One thing they don't tell you is that Chemo's pretty shite If they did no one would do it and there'd never be the fight at least not one where poison is pumped into your body followed by three weeks of drugs insidious and shoddy
And yet still here with cancer it's a choice which must remain as you're always in the driving seat and the most to lose or gain I made the choice to leave it two infusions; six weeks in as it took away the best of me stopped me being; stopped my grin
That was right and right for me the opposite for others such is hindsight's privilege and the knowledge that it smothers Ten days followed, painful, long and the allegory of that choice from the car crash of withdrawal I now embrace and yes, rejoice
For though still a work in progress another change has taken place and one that's for the better as you can see from gait and face The CT scan at end of month will go ahead as planned But for the moment chemotherapy in this body is now banned.
[When, five months ago I was faced with two choices – three months, or chemotherapy and the chance of more, that’s kind of a no brainer. But, there’s also quality of life to think about. That might mean a shorter time. But a qualitative life has so much added value and is absolutely the only choice for me. So that’s the path I’ve now taken. ‘Joie de vivre!’]
I believe Belinda may have got it right and heaven IS a place on earth not that I'm planning on going there anytime soon For those of us who live in rebellious hope (sic. Dame Deborah Jones R.I.P.) stand up to adversity no matter how bleak it sometimes gets. Heaven is a long time coming but when my time comes I'll be off to the place Belinda sees Right here, in perfection as God intended. Meantime rebellious hope prevails.
I now know the meaning of all skin and bone and it's not something I would choose to condone for I've lost so much weight it's now bothering me and as part of this illness scarce solution I see
I've not been this light since I was a lad and that in itself is making me sad The answer of course is to eat more but there is the rub and the root I'll gladly here share
For though I'm still eating I've poor appetite which I think is the drugs and other such shite and combined together with all that ensues boils down to the problem and catch twenty-two
They'll tell you of course it's mind over matter But I can attest right here that illusion to shatter for it's one of the hardest things to get started when you've been kicked and your life has been shafted
Last Sunday, not a good day thoughts were swirling, caught me up needed rest and got it but this remains a bitter cup Some days it just gets like that comes in from the left field and though I do my best to counter it's hard to stand and not to yield
So when it comes I do my best to think of other things Play music, write a poem remember my heart sings Most days these are unusual thank goodness, not the norm as most days like today of course I'm me and in good form
I wish I didn't have to and that I didn't have the need but I do and am quite chuffed with my shiny new blue steed A self-propelled and comfy wheelchair to get around and though legs are getting better means I can get to town And yes I hope it's temporary of course I do, but hey it's all about my comfort to make the most of every day
Another shock to the system a few days just gone when second visit to chemo it came along In our understanding this block was the last then a rest for my body to recover, but - blast...
That wasn't it and not it at all at least twenty weeks (I felt I would fall) off of the teetering tower I was on It was a bitter pill swallowed when that came along
Oncology meantime will be monitoring me and this cancer that's growing insidiously But these first chemo sessions to the summer will go before I'll see respite and a rest then to show
The saving grace is if there's one there at all is the level of drugs is now rather small So the side effects which have taken me out have stopped doing that to give 'normal' a shout
Let me tell you a tale of importance and then you can make up your mind of what to spend time to think about and what to do to unwind You see it's all to do with values and comparisons at the end of the day some will be imperative some can go by the way
But when faced with a life changer so big it shifts its course Importance takes on new meaning and needs no encouraging force Because then all the things that once mattered no longer do that's the thing Yes they still carry their value but longer with passion to bring
The life-changer takes a precedence everything else second place by its side and that truly is cathartic with a feeling of peace deep inside Yes, I've the privilege of knowing and not everyone's getting that But if you could grasp just a facet you would benefit, that's a known fact
Importance is all about value what matters, what makes you tick and when coupled with a life passion there's benefit in all of it For causality sometimes is brutal and brings one down to the ground But precedent to the important is there if there's light to be found
Mohican equipped I am ready to face once more again now the old human race Have had it in mind for a very long time but finally now I have one that's mine And no the grey hair won't often be here colours instead to bring lots of cheer Yes I'm in my sixties and have cancer to boot but none of that stops me from having a hoot Cock-a-hoop to the world, this is the new me Flipping the finger with a loud tee tee hee
I long for the chance just to sit down and say as evening falls swift 'that was a good day' But at present that thing is often denied almost as if life had something to hide
I know it's not like that but that's how it feels as my body lies wasted and struggles to heal but it hits me daily like a slap in the face A cruel imposition like falling from grace
I long to be normal for an average day not one lying prone with little to say But one which has pride Just to be as you are living life as it should be that close or afar
It is not much to ask so I hope and I pray that soon in my future an average day I will see and embrace and call it my life instead of this struggle that still cuts like a knife
I wish I could say I'm well but I'm not something to do with the cancer I've got and it may be better when this gets to print but at time of writing I'm afraid there's no hint
Once again early hours and I'm wide awake Tempted to say 'well, for goodness sake'! Yet I must be brave they tell me but I am scared in these moments and just want to cry
...all about me and my life in words. I write most days, carrying an ideas book around in which I capture a word snapshot of life around me. So there's a lot here about Sussex and the sea and anything else I see that inspires.
The pictures are mine too. Some taken to match a poem; some poems written to match a pic; others chosen because they work well with words written.
Jemverse is life in words. Hope you enjoy the reading as much as I enjoy the writing...
Jemverse 