One thing they don't tell you is that Chemo's pretty shite If they did no one would do it and there'd never be the fight at least not one where poison is pumped into your body followed by three weeks of drugs insidious and shoddy
And yet still here with cancer it's a choice which must remain as you're always in the driving seat and the most to lose or gain I made the choice to leave it two infusions; six weeks in as it took away the best of me stopped me being; stopped my grin
That was right and right for me the opposite for others such is hindsight's privilege and the knowledge that it smothers Ten days followed, painful, long and the allegory of that choice from the car crash of withdrawal I now embrace and yes, rejoice
For though still a work in progress another change has taken place and one that's for the better as you can see from gait and face The CT scan at end of month will go ahead as planned But for the moment chemotherapy in this body is now banned.
[When, five months ago I was faced with two choices – three months, or chemotherapy and the chance of more, that’s kind of a no brainer. But, there’s also quality of life to think about. That might mean a shorter time. But a qualitative life has so much added value and is absolutely the only choice for me. So that’s the path I’ve now taken. ‘Joie de vivre!’]
I now know the meaning of all skin and bone and it's not something I would choose to condone for I've lost so much weight it's now bothering me and as part of this illness scarce solution I see
I've not been this light since I was a lad and that in itself is making me sad The answer of course is to eat more but there is the rub and the root I'll gladly here share
For though I'm still eating I've poor appetite which I think is the drugs and other such shite and combined together with all that ensues boils down to the problem and catch twenty-two
They'll tell you of course it's mind over matter But I can attest right here that illusion to shatter for it's one of the hardest things to get started when you've been kicked and your life has been shafted
Outside my window the scaffolding blight is getting annoying and hiding the light It's been up too long and there in our sight and long overdue to be gone
The roof and the leading weeks ago done yet still it is here to block out the sun It's time for the scaffolding people to come as it's long overdue to be gone
So we had a pop, played the old access card told them quite clear that it made it hard to have scaffolding up to manoeuvre when marred so it's long overdue to be gone
Last Sunday, not a good day thoughts were swirling, caught me up needed rest and got it but this remains a bitter cup Some days it just gets like that comes in from the left field and though I do my best to counter it's hard to stand and not to yield
So when it comes I do my best to think of other things Play music, write a poem remember my heart sings Most days these are unusual thank goodness, not the norm as most days like today of course I'm me and in good form
Been through all my vinyl got them into plastic sleeves protection from the dust and grime that passing time it leaves Cathartic, it was wholesome remembering the time when I purchased each and brought them home when they were all then mine
And now I have a flight case with a selection waiting there to play on my turntable and with some others share Music, the great healer it is a remedy to cure or at very least bring respite as its purpose is so pure
If it wasn't for my wife and children I am not sure where I would be as it's purely for their devotion that I'm anywhere now actually
It's unreserved and complete and boundless given freely, born fully of grace and I have no words that would carry the thanks I'd like to embrace
I've accepted (though it's taken a while) that I'm ill and in need of their care but the spades by which that's been given is way beyond all to compare
So these few words by very small token I just had to write down today to express in inadequate measure my gratitude here in some way
When gifted with new wheels self-propelled - it's best go slow for you never really know for sure what's waiting down below
Wheelchairs are fantastic for getting one around but slopes and any gradient out there that I have found Do not mix well. Momentum tends to carry one away and it's best to not find out the outcome of that one foray
But it almost did when parking when I thought I'd have a go and suddenly was whizzing down a slope and far from slow Caught it with the handbrake thank goodness; won't do that again in any hurry Learnt my lesson. That's a fact
Another shock to the system a few days just gone when second visit to chemo it came along In our understanding this block was the last then a rest for my body to recover, but - blast...
That wasn't it and not it at all at least twenty weeks (I felt I would fall) off of the teetering tower I was on It was a bitter pill swallowed when that came along
Oncology meantime will be monitoring me and this cancer that's growing insidiously But these first chemo sessions to the summer will go before I'll see respite and a rest then to show
The saving grace is if there's one there at all is the level of drugs is now rather small So the side effects which have taken me out have stopped doing that to give 'normal' a shout
The view here is a belter it always takes the breath away particularly on a bright and sunny late January day Up here high up in Sussex Devil's Dyke across the Weald Low cloud and haze not quite enough with Chanctonbury revealed
I'm sitting in the van of course driven here by good friends Too early for a walkabout on which my health depends Yet I feel that time will not be long before more like this I'll see as I'm getting better by the day and soon will be quite free
...all about me and my life in words. I write most days, carrying an ideas book around in which I capture a word snapshot of life around me. So there's a lot here about Sussex and the sea and anything else I see that inspires.
The pictures are mine too. Some taken to match a poem; some poems written to match a pic; others chosen because they work well with words written.
Jemverse is life in words. Hope you enjoy the reading as much as I enjoy the writing...
Jemverse 