24dpo

So I think I jinxed myself last post. At least a little bit. That night, after I put in my Crinone suppository, I noticed the tiniest bit of pink on the tip. I burst into tears, convinced it was over, or would be soon. After all, that's how my chemical started last month.

I cried myself to sleep.

But there was nothing else all the next day whenever I wiped, and the next night, when I put in the Crinone, nothing. Or the night after.

So I have (hopefully) now convinced myself that it was due to the applicator brushing an otherwise very sensitive cervix, or that my cervix was engorged with blood after DTD with DH earlier that night.

I'm still checking obsessively every time I go to the bathroom though. I'm not 100% sure about this yet. I was having pretty decent cramps around that time as well, though thank goodness they've gotten a lot better. In fact, I even had a couple of days when I was feeling confident about things. Not so much today, though.

In other news, today is the equivalent of 24dpo. If I can get through tomorrow without spotting it will be officially the longest I've ever been pregnant. Fingers crossed.

5 weeks, 0 days

That is where I am today. I think. Well, I have had no bleeding or spotting yet, so hopefully I still am.

I am crying every single night about it. WTF is wrong with me? I think I need some anti-depressant meds just to deal with myself. I am so so worried about losing this pregnancy that I am making myself so upset about something that hasn't even happened yet. It's like I'm in pre-mourning.

Intellectually, I know I should be enjoying this as long as I have it. But at night, when I feel cramping and get scared that I'm miscarrying *right now*, it's hard to enjoy it.

I emailed my friend K last night, who did IVF last year and got PG on her second round. She also put in two (ended up with a singleton) and had a few chemicals/MCs before that pregnancy, which ended in the birth of her son this January. She's the only IRL person I know who gets how I'm feeling. And her response, as usual, helped so much.

You take it literally one day (or one bathroom trip) at a time. I talked to the baby(ies) when I got scared bc I had long since decided that no matter how bad it hurt, I was going to love whomever I was carrying for as long as I carried them. For me, not doing so wasn't going to make it hurt any less.

This is a different way of thinking of enjoying being PG as long as you have it. I can love my baby(ies) more than I can "enjoy" the feeling of being PG. I can so easily LOVE THEM. I can't so easily walk around going "Yay, I'm pregnant! (I think)"

Leave your expectations at the door. You're not going to be the joyous pregnant woman who loves every minute of it. Or maybe you are but not until later. All that matters is that you aren't right now. Ok. "Just be." What you feel in this very moment is all that matters. You're not going to feel this way forever, and tomorrow is always a chance at a better day. Some moments, if the fear is too much, it's worth it to fight it. Others, if it's bearable, just let it be with you and go
about your day. Your feelings, no matter what they are or how all over the place they are, are completely valid.

One day at a time.

Beta Day

I was praying for over 50.

I was ok with over 25.

It's 177.

Progesterone is 37, E2 is 750 (I'm not sure how much E2 really matters).

Beta #2 is scheduled for Friday. I need to double. Please let me double. This is where the real fear lies.

If it doubles on Friday I may start to believe that this is real.

Getting Darker

Beta is tomorrow. I have to be there at 7:05am. Ugh. Then I will wait anxiously for the next bajillion hours because they don't seem to call me until around 4-4:30pm, ugh.

I took another FRER this morning in keeping with my every 2 days rule. I was so nervous, but today's looks really good.

Compare the last three sticks (each two days apart):

We saw our infertility counselor for the first time in 3 weeks tonight. She's been in China with her husband or something. Boy was there a lot of catching her up on the craziness that was this past cycle. I also talked a lot about my fear of having another miscarriage. Se made me feel a lot better about my anxiety, telling me she's seen so many women who've been so upset about GETTING pregnant, not wanting the baby, etc., and getting upset and anxious didn't make them lose the baby (even though they probably would have preferred it) so I didn't need to worry that my anxiety over KEEPING this baby would cause any problems either. Perhaps that's a weird thing to tell an infertile, but it actually made me feel better. She gave me the serenity prayer to read over and over again.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I need to work on the first two lines.

Pics

I had a little bit more cramping today, which scared the bejeezus out of me. I am freaking out about every.little.thing. I just can't stop. I am having a hard time believing in this pregnancy. I need beta day to come, and a good beta as well. Not that I'll relax even then, but I at least need that. I am so pessimistic about this, even though as of right now, I have no reason to be. Why can't I just be happy?

Here are some pics of my HPTs. You can see at 2dp5dt it was negative; no more trigger. At 4dp5dt you can just see the faintest of lines. The CBE on 5dp5dt was obviously positive.

Here are comparisons of my two FRERs. I actually made a mistake on the bottom one - that was from 4dpt, not 5dpt. The one on top is correct - 6dp5dt.

I also took an Accuclear test today, just because I wanted to be reassured. Yep, still positive.

Positives

I have positives. Positives that are getting darker. (I want to share pictures, but they are huge and ruin my whole blog design).

I have sore boobs.

I'm either coming down with something (totally possible since my coworker, whom I share an office with, was out last week sick one day) or I have morning sickness, because I'm having trouble with certain smells and feel sick at times. (I'm leaning towards being sick because I don't think morning sickness happens that quickly.

I have had very little cramping. I don't know why, when I have HPTs that are +. It worries me.

I am ecstatically happy, yet very very nervous. I've had two chemicals and 1 M/C. I still have SO far to go. But today I am pregnant. Yesterday I was pregnant. If nothing else, I had this whole weekend pregnant - and I enjoyed every second of it.

Beta is not till Weds. Man, you hear about not wanting to POAS because you might not get a positive because it's too early, but now I feel like there's forever to go before beta. Will I make it to beta? Will my beta be any good? Will I make it to a first U/S? I've never gotten past 6 weeks before. Is this my time?