A friend of mine thinks she’s some slick shit posting a conversation she had with her mother. Fuck that. I’m posting the conversation I had with her. XXXXXXXX is a buddy of mine who would kill us both if we said who he really was in the book.

HER: I’ve got an idea for a book I want to write.

ME: Really? What’s it about?

HER: It’s about guys (and girls) who grew up like we did. I’ve already got most of it written and one of the characters is XXXXXXXX. There’s another character I want to base on you. But don’t worry, it’ll only be a little bit. So…can I use your name?

ME: My name? But my name sucks.

HER: That’s why.

ME: Fuck you.

HER: Come on. I’ll make you awesome!!!

ME: Oh yeah? How?

HER: I’ll make the hot girl from the book fall in love with you.

ME: Do I get laid? Because no deal if I don’t get laid.

HER: I promise you’ll get laid in my book. Just trust me on this.

ME: Can you swear this book will get me some pussy?

HER: FUCK YEAH IT WILL!

So…I said yes. Cut to six months and about 200 Kinkos made novels later:

RANDOM CAMPUS HOTTIE: Are you the Jeb from that book?

ME: Why yes I am.

RANDOM CAMPUS HOTTIE: Oh…ok. Hey, is that guy River real too? Me and my friends think he’s hot. So if he is can you hook me up?

ME: Uh…did you read the book?

RANDOM CAMPUS HOTTIE: Sure, why?

ME: So you know River’s a dick.

RANDOM CAMPUS HOTTIE: No he’s not. He’s just misunderstood.

ME: Yeah, River’s real. He works over at the Rathskellar. But River’s not his real name. Ask for Doug (Doug is the jacked up drunk who sleeps on a cot out back and earns his keep cleaning the toilets).

Cut to me two years later with blue balls and a bunch of numbers for River.