Tag Archives: prose

one for Megs

 

“Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays every day by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness and affection. These are ways of saying ‘it’s good that you are alive’; ‘it’s good that you are walking with me on this earth…'” Henri Nouwen

meghan

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog for almost everyone in my family but ran out of steam just before the end of the year. Meghan, my younger sister by 18 months, has reminded me from time to time that though we are quite close, I had stopped the birthday blogs before her birthday that year. She’s mentioned being unimpressed.

Never fear. Birthdays come annually, and Meghan’s is tomorrow. Here are some things you should know about Meghan. She loves fiercely. She gives generously. She communicates clearly. She works hard. She organizes our motley and over-sized crew for holidays and birthdays. She got on a plane the moment Betsy Claire’s birth happened so that she could hold our very first niece and be there for Bridget. That’s the way Meghan does life: giving of her whole self to those she loves.

Oh, and Meghan is really, really, really funny.

When we were kids Meghan and I shared a room for most of our growing up years. As adults we shared several apartments.

When Mom had cancer, Meghan and I took on nine of our younger siblings for one very long February while Mom and Dad were away seeking treatment. We had no idea how to handle the kiddos in the midst of everything going on, but somehow, together, we did it. And only one of us got bit by one frustrated tiny brother. Way to take one for Team Blinn, Megs! We even managed to keep the kids alive.

We live fifteen minutes apart now, and we talk on the phone most days. We don’t agree about everything, but I cannot, cannot, cannot imagine my life without my beautiful sister. Her birthday is cause to ponder God’s goodness to me, to our family and to the world. When you’re gifted someone as fantastic and beautiful as my sister is, you can’t help but uttering the best one-word prayer I know. Thanks.

Happy birthday, Meghan! Can’t wait to celebrate it up tomorrow night.

today: Sunday, saving me now

Sunday, and I wake, hitting the snooze button three times while I determine that my hair needs washing. Plans for an early morning run abandoned in favor of clean hair for church result in a longer-than-normal walk for the dog. We walk a loop of birds chirping and insects buzzing. Still, it’s relative silence. I shower, say prayers, plan the day. Tea brews while I stir oats and unload the dishwasher.

I take a moment to realize I’d awakened with time and space (after abandoning my run) for quiet. We need more quiet, I think, most of us. The television is off, no music plays, and I am home alone. Just these few minutes, they are saving me. Right now. God makes his presence known. He is here, has been here.

How often I miss him for the busy. How consistently he is willing to meet me where I am. And now, still and silent on a Sunday morning, Sabbath. Joy comes and oft craved peace joins it. Steady breaths and quiet heart beckoned to life, again and again.

Joining with the amazing Sarah Bessey, whose blog feeds my soul.

today: february

“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It’s February, and one year ago, North Texas sat still and silent, held captive by sleet. This afternoon, I ran ten miles in 70 degree weather, arriving home sweat-soaked and thirsty. Quite a contrast. It still feels like winter, if not in temperature. It feels like winter, because life moves slower for me this time of year. I find time to think and pray, to create for the sake of creating, to stop and reflect and be. I crave wonder.

It’s February, and I’m looking forward to this month of quiet before things steadily build momentum for the rest of the year. I’m hopeful. And I think there will be stories to share. Last night I sat with friends who were praying for me, and I realized that sometimes I forget to remember all the goodness and grace in my life. For months I’ve lamented the writer’s block that seems to strike whenever I sit down to blog or journal. “I have no stories to tell,” I moan to my audience of no one. But alas, that is untrue. I have stories that weave a beautiful story, a compelling story, a redemption story. I just forget to tell them sometimes.

It’s February, and this blog is written with one purpose: to say it’s time for me to write. So write I shall. And wonder shall ensue. What provokes wonder for you?

today: Potager

“The shared meal elevates eating from a mechanical process of fueling the body to a ritual of family and community, from the mere animal biology to an act of culture.”
-Michael Pollan

The year’s end arrives with unseasonably warm weather resulting in a respite of outdoor activity under a canopy of blue. Did Christmas really pass last week? The rush leading up to the holiday literally ended Christmas Eve, and I stood in church with a lit candle singing “Silent Night” trying to remember silence. My family gathered, we celebrated sans one brother and one sister, and by Boxing Day, all I wanted was my own heavenly peace to sleep in. I love the end of the year and the way it makes me want to reflect and daydream. I become a child awake to the wonder of possibility, infinite. It seems we are wired to ponder life on a grandiose scale when the first day of a new year stares us down.

I’ve never been the type to make resolutions, but tonight I sat around a dinner table with Collin, his sister and her beau, and I hoped for some things for 2012. We ate at a little place in Arlington that we love, Potager Cafe, an outside-the-box, hole-in-the-wall with real food and genuine community. You can eat as much as you like from the menu comprised of local fare. It changes based on what is available. You pay what you want to pay for your meal. Tonight a diner at another table offered Collin a glass of wine from the bottle on his table when Collin asked if it was good. Cynthia owns the place, and she hugged me when I left, wishing us a happy new year and promising to email me about an idea we’ve discussed the last few times I’ve eaten there. These things happen at Potager. We love it.

After dinner, we ran errands before Collin headed home so he could get to bed early, as a long ride owns the entirety of his Saturday morning. I kept thinking about Potager. The food is always good there (outstanding, really), but I’m not sure that’s all that keeps me going back. When I eat at Potager, I find myself invited to dinner at a place where conversation flows easy, and no one is a stranger. I don’t know how to explain the dynamic, but the uniqueness strikes me. And I hope to be the kind of person in 2012 who forgets the boxes that social norms create and who remembers that people matter and so does the way we interact with the world.

I think that’s the appeal of Potager. The business model isn’t the type to attract investors: no set prices and an environment that beckons patrons to want to stay long after they’ve finished eating. But I don’t think Cynthia measures the success of her business in profits (though I think she’s paying her bills). I suspect she understands something about the nature of community and the importance of stewarding the earth. She’s created a unique space in the middle of Arlington that resembles a hodge podge family dining room. When you’re at Potager, you’re in the midst of a better story than the typical American eatery.

Real food grown in a garden out back or procured from local farmers prepared simply with real ingredients? Do people eat like that any more? And while eating like that we slow down and learn the names of the people around us and rub shoulders with their stories, if only for a few minutes. We leave full and refreshed- every single time we eat there. Did I mention we love it?

“It feels like church,” I told Collin when we left tonight. He countered that it is better than church, because you don’t have to keep up an appearance to experience a good meal at Potager. Though that’s a post for another day, I say that to say this: in 2012, I hope to be the kind of person who imagines and creates unique spaces that allow genuine community to exist and thrive. I hope to take the kind of photographs that invoke emotion and start conversation. I hope to write the kind of words that provoke the telling of a better story. I hope to live in such a way that heavenly peace is never far off, because the reality of the presence of God holds my attention day in and day out, leaving me full and refreshed and able to fill and refresh others.

I am a child awake to possibility, infinite. Yes.

today: christmas

a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

O Holy Night

“…I do believe; help my unbelief…”

Mark 9:24

In the midst of anticipating Christmas this year, a funeral. She was an 18-year-old college freshman from Collin’s cycling community, struck by a car while riding her bike in North Carolina. She died ten days before Christmas. I met Megan only once, but Collin knew her. Attending a funeral for a girl just stepping into womanhood shocks the system with a forced focus on the aching fractures that exist in the world. The heart breaks, because what else is it to do? The heart breaks and the soul longs for a different story. We long for the world to be set right.

Reading the Scriptures and pondering the Christmas story following Megan’s death made me hunger for God who became man to meet me, to meet us here, now. In any untimely death the questions that come first are often why questions, but that’s not exactly where I landed. My questions arose from looking at the celebration of Christmas coming so soon after the funeral. How does this get set right?

My love of the Bible sometimes leads me, perhaps, to over-familiarity with the over-arching narrative. I forget to remember the significance of a God who came, of the word made flesh, of his life, of his death, of his resurrection. The Hebrew Scriptures foretold the story of a poor baby born to restore history, God swaddled in tattered rags, fully Himself in human skin. It’s a magnificent story, really, that God so loved, that God so gave. That we have life. The world left to it’s own devices is indeed weary. Without the Jesus story, our hope falters and fails.

Last night I prayed for grace and peace for Megan’s family and friends. May they know their loss and longings grieve God. I remembered the Jesus who wept before he raised his friend from the dead. Death wasn’t a part of the story when God made and called this world good. I feel wide awake to the reality that we need something, someone greater to come, to heal, to touch, to redeem.

And we have God, who humbled himself, who became like us, who came. And I don’t understand how it all works, but I do know this: we have great hope. And so I hope. Living that hope out here and now looks like grace and peace. It looks like food for the poor and wholeness for the hurting. It looks like love in the face of hatred, plenty in the hands of want. May we so live.

today: the wonder of it all

“Wonder is the basis of worship”
-Thomas Carlyle

No matter where, no matter where, no matter where my story- or your story- takes me or you, the deep breath yielded by a few minutes outside really looking at creation provokes wonder. It steadies me to see flowers and trees, sun and sky, and the cycle of life. Seasons shift and change. Transformation occurs. The world retains so much of the good God saw when he made it. In the midst of war and failing economies and broken relationships and sickness, even in the midst of death, a walk outside reveals new life. Some days that’s the grace to regroup and calm the heart and slow the pace.

God is here, everywhere. And we are his, loved and capable of loving. I’m captivated.

It’s outside that I most often find myself beckoned into his kingdom and story. I know I am small in the midst of a great grand scheme that is the world. That humbling reality- that very revelation- invites participation into the story of God’s great plan of redemption. I’m certain that truth ought to be taken literally and metaphorically.

today: month fifteen

It was fifteen months ago that Collin turned to me and said he didn’t want to leave things undefined. We didn’t have much of anything figured out. We did know we wanted to see if there was something there worth figuring out. And I suspected he meant business about pursuing me. Today I know that he did.

For this I am grateful. It’s been quite a year and a quarter. I see God’s handiwork in our story. I know that this is grace.

Yesterday Collin had flowers delivered to the house I’m staying at in Kentucky. I’ve been away for work for this past week. I love his thoughtfulness, ever looking for ways to make me feel beautiful, wanted, loved. I love that when I called to thank him I could hear the smile in his voice. I love that this is the page we are on.

Someday maybe I’ll write some thoughts on dating and love and how we’re walking things out. But that’s for another day. Today all I want to say is this: it’s a good story we are living, fifteen months in.

today: the treadmill

“The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
-Robert Frost

The photo doesn’t exactly fit, but it does make me smile.

You might as well call it the dreadmill, because I hate running on the treadmill. Texas in the summer though, particularly this summer, necessitates the occasional treadmill run. Most mornings I wake early enough to allow time to get outside before the heat suffocates resolve. Running outdoors in the summer is a study in perseverance; gone is the thrill of just being while running. My body can be coaxed to do the same work. The same prayers are uttered. The same miles yield beneath my feet. All that sameness costs in the summer. The efforts are harder, and the payoff most days feels like checking a block. If I find joy in running in the summer it’s in knowing that fall and winter and spring come next. It’s anticipation.

Still, the heat and scorched skin and guzzled water bottles and general misery are much preferred to the indoor run. I love to run, because I love to be outside. It frees me. It fills me. It reminds me that the world is bigger than me and my story. I connect with God. I hear him best when I run, and boy, do I need to hear him. The treadmill takes those things away. I hamster wheeled out a workout today, because my body requires it. I sleep poorly without some physical activity. Hours spent at a desk produce antsy limbs created for use. I ran in the gym at the apartment mid-afternoon. Poor sleep coupled with an early morning photo session closed the window of time designated for my morning run. I thought about skipping, but training picks up in the fall. Discipline about scheduled running days helps prepare for increased mileage and the accompanying busyness the extra minutes then hours logged produce. I run on running days.

And honestly, today’s run sucked. I ran thirty meager minutes at about the same pace as I do when I run outdoors this time of year- s l o w. It sucked, but I did it. I finished. The work got done; the miles got covered. It wasn’t a glamorous run. It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t far. But my body did what needed to be done, and some days that’s all you can ask of a person: that they do what needs to be done.

Striving for excellence is noteworthy. Great feats ought to be celebrated. Champions are cheered for accomplishing something amazing. That said, the hardest work and biggest efforts aren’t always race day PRs or big wins that get noticed. Sometimes the most is given in the nuanced choices to put one foot in front of the other on the days when anything else seems more appealing. Today I did the work. Today I finished. I did what needed to be done, and it was enough. That’s what I learn and relearn on the treadmill.

Not the most stunning anecdote, but what I’ve got for tonight.

today: new day

“Tell us a story from before we can remember.”

“The nuns taught us that no one who loves the way of grace ever comes to a bad end.”
Tree of Life

This day, the day that started brand new with breakfast and coffee? I ran miles and played with the dog minutes. I wrote words and worked on photos. I prayed and tried (a little) to listen to God. Words were read, clothes were folded, dishes were done. What is Jesus like? Conversations and emails and text messages exchanged: the stuff of life, relationships. Photographs and books and notes and screens. So much of the mundane lacks shine and yet life is beautiful. I go to bed every night and promise to get there earlier the next day, and tomorrow comes, a brand new day and the routine cycles on and on.

Some days I wonder if this is enough.

Some days I wonder. Period.

Most days grace awakens me to more. I hunger.

Today I’m tired and that’s why I need to remember the more, to remember that today started brand new, and tomorrow? It will too. And that newness seems like everything tonight, like the world gets clothed anew every day, and the pockets of redemption, they run deep. This I hope; this I believe.

(P.S. Thank you for journeying with me, and I promise to write something less cryptic soon).

today: these very small things

“…the robins are singing, you know the way they sing? like the world is a cathedral, and they, the only choir…”
Emily, my faraway friend

It’s in the simplest moments that I settle down and believe. And in these quiet moments, knowing love shows me how to love. Today, that looked like
ten commandments and coffee
sister’s wedding photos producing a medley of memory on the computer screen
feet pressing ground in spite of thick air
lunchtime conversation on a shaded patio, hidden from Dallas busy even in the midst of it
bright bangles just because
the dog and forced, needed time outside, away
hands absorbed by bread before baking (and it tasted good!)
avocados just right for guacamole, lemon in place of lime
mamas and babies more and more
forehead kisses and errands
when it rained, it poured, so he went in for both of us
swallowed by his hoodie at the end of day
hot tea. home. and contentment.

It seems so little, and I don’t know what the next page holds or the next. I felt God’s gentle leading all day long- in these very small things. And I know there are big dreams for changing the world. And that they matter. Today, though, he loved me here, in the midst of the mundane. I don’t have everything figured out at all, and yet his kindness turns my face to his time and again. Even after all these years, still I’m amazed. Even after all these years, he keeps changing me.

And maybe this post and the last are joining with amazing Ann, who teaches and teaches and teaches me to clean the lens through which I see. Thankfuly thank-full.