Tag Archives: reality

today: being a grown-up is hard sometimes.

So my dad had a stroke. He will be okay, and we are thankful that this is the case. We are also thankful for the community that is in our lives, who showed up at the hospital and with meals and to pray and to take boys swimming. That was two weeks ago (only two weeks?!?), and where life seemed to be a bit crazy before, it is all out crazy after. I want to tell the story of my dad’s stroke so you can know the incredible ways God showed up and people loved well. But I feel (like so often this year) like first I need to catch my breath.

My business is running in full force. And I’m amazed and feel like I’m living a dream I didn’t know could be real. That said, I’m all-the-time busy, with phone calls and emails and taxes and all the day-in, day-out running a business stuff. The days I take photos are amazing. The other days, my learning curve is high. I’m tired, and I’m tired of being tired. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to do creative work that tells stories and captures beauty. But it didn’t slow down when my dad had a stroke, so I’m running behind.

I’m not running behind on work stuff. My bills need to be paid, so I get that done. I’m running behind on the-rest-of-life stuff.

There are no groceries in my fridge- not even milk for my morning coffee (but don’t worry, I still have blueberries).
I have not finished a book in weeks.
My journal is mostly blank.
I talk to God in passing in the morning, and sometimes that is it.
My house is messy.
My bathroom needs cleaning.
My dog needs bathing.
My feet need to run.
I want to go on vacation, but I went on vacation in June.
Fall is going to start, and I’m excited about the prospects. But I would like to stop and catch my breath.
Insomnia has crept back into my nights.
I miss writing words.
I miss nannying babies.
In some ways I feel like I’m dropping a lot of balls- the relationship kind more than the responsibilities kinds.
That said, I know I’m loved. And I know joy comes in the morning.
I’m sorry if you’re one of the balls I’ve dropped.

Being a grown-up is hard sometimes.

tonight: like this

‎”Faith, then, is the long parenthesis between the undeniable appearances of God’s glory.”
-R.T. Kendall

the whisper, “like this,”
as steady hands guided wobbly steps
until a pounding heart
resolved faith as recourse for fumbling around in the dark
each “like this” not an eradication of fear
rather a revision of focus guided by hope of historic proportion
funneled into feeble efforts until
these wobbly steps pound a steady rhythm,
a tune familiar hummed is trustworthy
hummed, it leads somewhere, like this
response always, ever heard prayer

tonight: these dead things, they live

“…An artist is a nourisher and a creator who knows that during the act of creation there is collaboration. We do not create alone.”
-p44 Walking on Water, Madeleine L’Engle

Palms up we hold these stories past rather lightly
and when they fell to the ground the crush seemed insurmountable
sure death. sure ache. surely never ending.
The kernels fell hard and the cracked earth swallowed them
eager and hungry while the wholeness of the gone-ness consumed
ever, ever, ever tears raining down and softening these harsh lines.
And then with an air of anti-climatic but real resolve
a sprout becomes a root becomes a bud becomes
something wholly other. something longed for. something good,
if different, and yes, maybe better.
These stories held rather lightly in the aftermath
with one look back over shoulder
reveals a different story, a better one indeed.
The ever-repeating metaphor: from death, life because
all these dark hues always laid bare by the light,
a role never, never reversed, from this we cannot hide
and so we stand with open hands but utterly sure-footed,
anticipating.

today: what I know to do

“Happiness is a mystery like religion, and it should never be rationalized.”
-G.K. Chesterton (He was a genius. Enough said.)

Eat well and sleep well and get outside every day. Work hard and play hard and hope the lines between the two blur most days. Love, God and people, relentlessly. Run. Read. Smile. Write. See. Choose to be fully present. Give: time, money, grace. Forgive. Believe the best about people.

I know these are the things I should do. And I try. And some days are successful. And some days I don’t do so well. When I get away, though, for a few days, it seems like life in a reality that looks like these things is possible. And hope stirs when I let little people guide me through their days and spend evenings with friends who are like family, talking or not. If nothing else, for these days I am grateful today. And what I know to do is say thanks, only thanks.

tonight: drenched

I’ve seen you shine in your way
go on, go on, go on

Vampire Weekend (cannot get enough of ’em…)

drenched.
as the color of reality
sparkles and shines
lived to the point of life
without regret (not
one single one)
as hope heals
life to the point of redemption
and soaking wet soul
shakes the excess
so deep is the well
grinning for want of nothing (but)
more.

tonight: wide-eyed, she recognized

“…and as they laughed and drank their wine, I wondered how much it costs to be rich in friends and how many years and stories and scenes it takes to make a rich life happen.”
-Donald Miller

wide-eyed, she recognized
the shape and contour and color
without understanding
the lack of words to be uttered
as the expectancy raised and lowered
chest breathing in air and out tension
as if story could be manicured
as if acceptance were ascension
wide-eyed, she recognized
this would cost everything
but without this resolve,
there would be no gain
this road, wide and now juxtaposes
a narrow gate, change

tonight: the stuff of life

Our hammers beating hard against that old facade
Some other air to breathe
That we might break these molds and free our restless souls
Start to believe

David Gray

we sunk our hands deep into the stuff of life
(unaware of the reality at the time)
unconcerned with the persistence of some of the grime
we found that what did not brush off would scrub off eventually
mistakes were bound to get made
and hearts would definitely break how
ever to avoid the mess of it all
would have been to avoid the joy of it all
and that simply would not do
we danced solidly in the living room
in the aftermath (which was a continuation)
youth and experience stepping on each others toes
neither realizing what we didn’t know
both clinging to each other conceding this:
we must go. still we must go
sinking our hands into the good stuff of life
risky at times, full-faced and bold in the way we are alive