When I became aware of “gay dating sites,” one was recommended to me and, yeah, it was that app and, at first, I was reluctant to check it out because being literal-minded, I thought that (a) I wasn’t gay and (b) I wasn’t looking to date guys so while it was recommended to me, I didn’t go onto the site to sign up for, oh, maybe a month or two.

In fact, I wouldn’t have remembered to check the site out except I’d written the URL down and, for a moment, I was perplexed – what kind of site is this and why do I have a URL for it? It wasn’t until I’d gotten a phone call from my son-in-law that I remembered, oh, yeah, that’s right – he recommended the site. So, while we’re talking about diagnosing hard drive problems, I plug the URL into a browser and went about the process of signing up for the site.

Then I forgot about it again. Between being on-call that week and having a hectic work week to begin with, I was surprised that I could remember who I was without looking at my license so when I’m doing a search for something, I see a bookmark that, again, took me a moment to remember why it was there and I forgot all about what I was searching for, clicked the bookmark and up came the site and… I had 136 messages. And while I sat there with my mouth hanging open, four more messages arrived and… should I look or should I ignore them? It wasn’t like I was hurting for dick but 140 – no, 143 – messages? I had to look at them.

Most of them said, “Wazzup?” and nothing else. Another bunch of them had no profile worth looking at and I had wondered how those dudes expected to get some action when their profile just gave their handle and maybe their age. Those messages, along with the “Wazzup” messages were deleted, leaving me with maybe thirty messages that had full profiles written and by the time I read through them, there were only five prospects that really got my attention.

To shorten this up a bit, I slept with all five of those guys over a period of three days. I had to give it to my son-in-law – this site was a jackpot of sorts and I can’t remember any time over the next couple of months that I wasn’t 69ing with some guy and guys who, thanks to that early geolocation thing a few sites were trying, shit – a lot of guys were within walking distance while many more were maybe ten minutes away by car.

I was inundated by a flood of very eager cocksuckers and so many that I almost got tired of sucking dick. Almost. Between the two women I had in bed with me every night and the plethora of cock-hungry dudes, I was getting my ass kicked but in a very nice way. As I seem to recall, there were a couple of other “gay dating sites” out there that I did take a look at but the only dicks they had probably belonged to the guys who created the site.

Then the well ran dry. Oh, there were guys galore and hundreds of them within five miles of, whew, wherever I happened to be! I could meet a guy “for lunch,” we’d suck each other off, and hustle back to our respective jobs and, yeah, there were fifteen guys who worked where I did who were looking for lunchtime hookups and the nice part was that they didn’t care that we worked for the same company. But the number of genuine guys were being swamped by fakes and flakes and I don’t want to think of how many times I waited for a guy to show up and like he said he would and he didn’t show, didn’t call, didn’t leave a note and, shit, his site profile was deleted.

Or the number of guys who just want to talk the talk but scared to death to walk the walk and I asked one guy, “If you don’t want to do anything, why are you here and bothering me?” Or the number of guys who had profiles that I personally found offensive and like the ones where the guy who wrote it ranted and raved about making me his bitch, I’d better have a house, a job, a car, credit cards, so on and so forth. Yeah, fuck that shit. Or the number of guys who said that if the price was right, I could get their dick and I’m thinking that, damn, dude, you must think guys are seriously desperate for cock that they’d want to pay you $200 to get with your sorry ass.

Or the number of guys who’d hit me up with chat and… wassup? Check their profile – no useful info. One guy who decided to actually say more than “wassup” went on a tirade about how he was going to make me suck his dick, suck his dirty feet, and then how he was going to bend me over and fuck me so I’d better get in my car and come and get him and do it right now. I was somewhere between being seriously pissed and seriously amused and I asked him a question: “Can you read?”

He said he could. I asked, “Did you see the parts where I wrote that I was oral only and how specific I was in what I wrote?”

He said he saw it but, “I didn’t read all that shit so wazzup? You coming to get this dick or what?”

I left the chat and ignored his attempts to get me to chat with him but I respond with this: “When you learn how to read, let me know.” I’m sure he didn’t appreciate what I said and even implied but I thought it was fair since I didn’t appreciate all that shit he said he was going to do to me. I fended off a lot of guys who were, in their words, looking for a guy to be their bitch and, nope, that ain’t me and never will be. There were the guys who hit me up and wanting to get blown but they didn’t suck dick and never would and I’d ask them, “So why are you bothering me? Did you happen to see the part of my profile that said that I wanted my dick sucked, too?”

Um, no, many of them didn’t even bother to read my profile. Some of them said that they read it but was hoping that I’d blow them anyway. Still getting guys blathering about fucking me silly but they’d vanish into the ether when I’d say something about plugging them in the ass and them getting pissy and saying that they ain’t no bitch and no man was gonna touch their hole and, yeah, I figured that so you motherfuckers need to go find someone who is very willing to do what you want to do… and that ain’t me.

If being on this site didn’t teach me anything, it taught me how to weed out the assholes, fakes, and flakes. I could be on the site every day and dealing with a lot of messages, propositions, and those annoying one word chats and the end result that I could find maybe one or two guys who wanted to do what I wanted to do. Interestingly enough, most of those, ah, mutually oral guys were gay and many of them made it clear that if, by chance, I wanted to fuck them, I was cordially being invited to do so and, er, ah, there were a couple of guys who resonated with me enough that we’d suck each other silly and the moment I could get hard enough to get in there, I was in there. Two of them said that if I ever wanted another boyfriend, they’d make themselves available and, believe me – I seriously thought about it but between the pressures and stressors of my job – and living with two very horny women – having another boyfriend would have been too much and I didn’t have the time nor the patience to deal with the guys who were already being clingy.

The sites, followed by apps for the sites, were getting worse. Out of seven days of being online, I could now only find maybe – maybe – one or two guys who were genuine and looking to suck cock as much as I wanted to. I’d hear other guys complaining about the sites and apps they were unhappy with and was the site I was on any better? Well, it used to be but not so much these days and I was having enough of some 19-year-old trying to sugar daddy me or he’s acting like a little whore and like I’d pay to have sex with him. Shit, I’d never paid a woman for sex so what made these dude think I’d pay for dick?

Things got so bad that I was down to being able to find one guy who was genuine and he could pass my third condition: Don’t be my idea of an asshole. The site was overwhelmed with guys making demands about their ideal guy not be feminine in any way, was man enough to take their big dick in the ass, willing to suck their dick anywhere and be willing to drop whatever they were doing to come service them and… I don’t have the time nor the patience for this shit.

One dude said, “You’d better come get me or else!” and I asked, “Or else what?”

“I’ll tell everybody I know that you’re a cocksucker!” he said.

“Tell them,” I said. “You act like I give a fuck. By the way, no one likes a snitch but, yeah, do what you gotta do.”

The other sites and apps were, in my opinion, not all that better. One guy wanted me to piss on and in him. Another guy wanted me to dress up like a woman and yet another guy had asked if I had a problem with him wearing panties and a bra. A guy who was in “baby mode” and wanting to wear a diaper that I’d have to change and, okay, look, I changed diapers for all of my children so I’m not of a mind to be changing his dirty diapers – I just wanted to 69 with him.

I got to one guy’s house and when the door opened and I saw a woman standing there, I thought I was at the wrong house but, nope – I had the right house but he had, ah, neglected to tell me that he’d be dressed to the nines in his finest womanly gear. The “funny part?” He was amazing to have sex with. Go figure. Then there was the guy who literally lived two doors away from me and I was thinking, “Ka-ching!” but, alas, he didn’t want to “shit where he ate” and, okay, I understood that until one Saturday he comes a-knocking at my door and he wants to suck my dick. So much for what he said the other day, huh?

I would occasionally find a guy via the app; I had more luck just being in the right place at the right time. I already knew that finding a guy to have any kind of sex with took a lot of work and while the sites, early on, made it stupidly easy to find a guy – or way too many guys – that degraded quickly and disappointingly so. Surprisingly enough, I would move forward in time and tell guys who are looking for an app with possibilities that the app I was on was… still the best option out there. My protege is on every “gay dating” app out there and he often regales me with the problems he runs into and, no thanks, man – I have enough problems as it is.