Keith's Ramblings

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The regulars at The Baaamy Inn were somewhat quieter than usual, probably something to do with the excessive alcohol consumption of the night before when Landlord Len hosted his famous New Year celebration; Arthur had his head in his hands, and George appeared to be asleep!

“We should all make some New Year resolutions”, said Babs, clearly echoing the thoughts of several others as they nodded in agreement, “I’m going to exercise more, save money, and give my liver a rest by going without alcohol during January even though this Coke tastes horrible”; “what a good idea” said Ken, “I’m going to keep fit by walking to and from the pub, save money by not using the taxi, and give liver a rest by giving up pate!”

 “We are going on holiday next month“, shouted Natalie over at the knitting circle, her shrill voice echoing around the bar causing cosiderable discomfort to those still suffering hangovers including Suzie at the next table who stuck her fingers in her ears, “we are flying away to somewhere warm”, she said; “last time I was on an aeroplane, someone shouted hijack”, said Polly, “everyone was terrified until a guy at the back shouted Hi John!”

Henpecked Henry from the chicken farm was telling the others about the Christmas present he had from his son Harry, “it’s a thing the size of a tin of beans and it’s called an Amazonian Echo or something like that, it plays music, tells me the time and even farts if I ask it to, it’s lovely having a woman in the house that does as I ask and never tells me what to do!”

Having a hangover wasn’t going to stop Colin telling a joke or two – “my joke about an echo keeps repeating itself – my daughter yelled, ‘Dad, you haven’t listened to a word I said, I thought that was an odd way to start a conversation – I shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is – the janitor jumped out of the closset and shouted ‘supplies!’ – a swimmer shouted ‘help, shark, help’, I just laughed, I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him – English speakers shout ‘yes’ when excited, Spanish speakers shout sí, French speakers sound like they’re coming down a slide…..” 

The Inn’s beer cellar down beneath the bar is very echoey, and whenever Len goes down to change a barrel he always shouts ‘hello’ or ‘hi’, and listens to it  echo back; this morning when he went down there he yelled ‘Happy New Year’, and a voice said ‘same to you my darling’ – it was Maggie’s voice.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories. This week’s given word is Echo.

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Len fancied taking up diving. He thought he’d practice in the park before braving the sea. 

He stood upright in a pedalo like a latter-day Christopher Columbus. ‘Fobble-ible-oble’ he said; speaking with a snorkel in your gob isn’t easy!

Wifey Laura started peddling. Unfortunately, the boat was still tied the bank. It jerked to a halt and Len toppled into the lake. Unperturbed, he clambered back aboard. Someone untethered them, and away they went, stopping in the middle. 

Len jumped into the water unaware that it was only two feet deep – or in his case, two knees deep!

He’s gone off the idea now!

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares!

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PHOTO PROMPT © Lisa Fox

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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I took a walk around a nearby retail park – there seemed to be some sales going on…

 

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…and I didn’t spend a penny!

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Every teenager has at some time stood stood before their bedroom mirror singing into their hair brush. Mike was no exception. However he was determined to take it to the next level and one day become a world-renowned performer!

As a young man, he looked the part, but oh dear, the sounds he produced upset every dog in the district! As the years passed by his dream became more and more distant.

One day, Mike was watching a comedian on television and  something suddenly occured to him. You don’t need to be a singer to use a microphone!

He started visiting local pubs on open mike nights. Would-be comics climbed onto the podium, grabbed the microphone, told a couple of poor jokes and got booed off again. Our Mike was no exception, but there was no way he was going to give up. Something inside told him over and over again that one day people would want to listen to him. It would just be a matter of time.

Fast forward three years. Mike has achieved his ambition; he is now the king of the microphone. Every day hundreds of folk eagerly await his voice and today is no exception. Unseen he checks the time on his watch, clears his throat, takes a sip of water then flicks the microphone’s switch to on and it crackles into life. The assembled hoard falls silent in fervent anticipation.

‘Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,’ shouts Mike, ‘the train now approaching platform three is the six forty-five service to London Waterloo.’

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Image Credit; Tobias Reich @ Unsplash

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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The locals at The Baaamy Inn were being unusually quiet whilst looking around at the Christmas decorations and listening to the carols playing in the background, until….the door flew open and in came turkey farmer Bob, Bobble to his colleagues, followed by six of his feather pluckers; he always treats them to a drink when they’ve finished the season’s plucking session!

Landlord Len never looks forward to this annual event, for despite reminding them to brush themselves down before coming in, they always forget and within minutes the floor is covered with feathers and people begin sneezing!

“I’ve had a record year for orders”, said Bob, “partly because I was invited along the the local radio channel to talk about my turkeys, this year the pluckers had to work harder then ever so I thought they deserved more than just a drink, and I’m treating them to some of those delicious mince pies that Len still has made to Maggie’s  special recipe!” 

“There was a comedian on that achoo channel the other day”, said Arthur, “and he told a tale about a British cat called achoo  One-Two-Three who challenged a French cat called Un-Deux-Trois to a swimming achoo race across the English Channel, One-Two-Three won because Un-Deux-Trois cat sank!”; it was met with more groans than giggles from his  fellow farmers, so Joker Colin thought he’d seize the opportunity and get punning!

“I told a joke about a turkey achoo but I got told off for using fowl language – my leg’s Favourite channel is the Dis-knee channel – I’ve started a YouTube channel achoo about viruses, I’m a real influenz-er – on the History Channel+1, history repeats itself – if it wasn’t for electricity we’d be watching TV by candlelight – you can cut the sea in half achoo with a sea-saw – Ireland is only one C away from Iceland – mermaids wear seashells because B shells are to small…”OY”, shouted Landlord Len, “you know I don’t ACHOO allow jokes  about ladie’s you-know-whats!”

Over at the knitting circle Natilie was telling them about her annual Christmas Eve tradition of leaving an old sock on the bedpost hoping that Santa Claus, aka her husband, will place something inside it; apparently last year Santa, sorry, hubby placed a can of deodorant in it,  “I told him that if he wants me to smell nicer achoo he should consider popping something fragrant inside it like a bottle of Chanel number five!” – and so the conversations, and sneezing continued until turning out time! 

…but not next week, because there’s something going on that’ll be keeping me busy! Seasons Greetings from all the The Baaamy Inn!

Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Channel

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🎄I’m extremely busy in the run up to Christmas so I’ll be dropping in and out quite a bit. Please don’t think I’ve forgotten you!🎄

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Little Joe was having a lovely holiday at the seaside with his Mummy and Daddy. He woke up early looking forward to another day at the beach, so early that he watched the the sun rise from his window.

‘When I get out of the water I’m dripping wet’, he thought to himself, ‘the sun’s been in the sea all night, it must be dripping wet too.’

Several things had crossed his mind in the last few days. Why don’t fish drown, and why do crabs walk sideways? That’s just silly! Where do sandcatles disappear to?’

The seaside’s so interesting!

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Prod the Frog to visit the squares!

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PHOTO PROMPT © Peter Abbey

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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I’ve posted some pictures of my local beach for today’s Wordless Wednesday  – if you’re interested they are HERE! 

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Arthur arrived at The Baaamy Inn looking a bit weary, “I’ve just had a shed load of cattle feed delivered, far more than I need”,  Babs gave him an odd look and asked him why he’d ordered it and he said, “cos my cattle eat it of course” – “that’s one very hungry cat you’ve got!”, she quipped!

“I’m always hungry”, said Ted, “which is why I’m a bit bulkier than I should be; I thought I’d weigh myself this morning so I stepped on the wife’s scales and I‘m so heavy that I broke the wretched things, she was not impressed and said I had to shed a stone or two, and from now on I’d be on a balanced diet – I said, ‘in that case instead of having just one piece of chocolate I’ll have a piece in each hand’,  you should have seen the look I got!”

George was a bit quieter than usual so Suzie at the next table asked if he was okay, “I had to demolish my shed this morning cos it’s rotting away, when my wife and I were teenagers we used to hide in there and get up to all kinds of stuff behind my parent’s backs, we have such happy memories of it, no wonder she shed a tear when I put the remains of it on the bonfire”, he said.

Babs was staring into her mirror and fiddling with her curls, “I’m beginning to shed some hair, I guess that’s what happens as you get older”, she said; Colin stroked is shiny bald head and said, “losing my my hair has had its advantages, for instance, I’ve saved a fortune on shampoo and trips to the barber’s!”

And he was off; “I know I’m overweight but people shouldn’t make jokes at my expanse –  the only thing to drink when losing weight is lighter fluid – I’m sticking with my citrus diet until June, cumquat May – I would start dieting, but I’ve got too much on my plate – I thought Friday was a sad day, but the next day was a sadder day – when you cross a sad fruit with a sad vegetable and a sad rose you get a meloncauliflower – when a cobra sheds its skin it gets sssss-naked – I found a box of dead batteries in my shed, I’m giving then away free of charge….”

Tomorrow, Landlord Len will climb of of bed at the crack of dawn and put up the Inn’s Christmas decorations, he’ll also decorate the tree which once again has been donated by Arthur who grows and sells them on his farm, there is always one trinklet hanging from a branch that has a special place in his heart, it was made many years ago by his dearly departed Maggie; he’s yet to shed light on why it means so much to him. 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Shed.

Last week I was very naughty and used 101 words. As promised, I’ve only used 99 today!

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Whilst walking down a breezy back-alley I met Stuart, leaning into the wind with his hand on his head. “Hi Stu”, I said sticking out my hand to give his a shake. 

He took his hand from his head in order to respond, and suddenly his hair took flight! 

We turned to see where it had gone and saw it darting down the alley with four scampering legs poking out of it!  

An old fellow tottered past shouting “Tinkerbelle, heel girl, heel”. Stu joined the chase in pursuit of his crowning glory. 

I wonder if he got it back!

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Click the wig to visit the squares! 

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

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