my stumbling block: Pride

My family and maybe some close friends know this about me. It's kinda been on my mind lately, so I'd thought I would share it.

I get really really stubborn and almost spiteful when people compel me to do stuff. Especially when it is something that I want to do, or feel I should be doing, or feel like I'm already an expert on how to do it. If someone brings it up and tells me to do it before I am able to do it myself, I can't do it any longer. (wow thats a lot of "do it" 's) Even when I know that the person is right, I have to find some other method or completely different way to do the same thing. Mostly I guess it's people telling me what to do, or how I should do things, when I feel pretty strongly about how to do it myself. For example, when I was a miamaid, all the young women went to stay at a ward member's cabin in Tahoe so that we could go sledding and tubing. For breakfast, I was given the task of cooking the bacon. I've always prided myself that my mom taught me how to cook. There was a lot of bacon to cook and we were at a high altitude. I knew that because of these factors, cooking the bacon in a griddle would take FOREVER! So I started to prepare to zap them in the microwave. Along came sister B. ( no clue how to spell her name) with "you need to cook it on the stove blah blah blah blah blah". I got very angry. I'm sure I told her my reasons for cooking it in the microwave. But she insisted, at which point, I became very angry. Since it was the Young Women's leader, I couldn't really argue with her. So I very spitefully cooked it her way, the whole time complaining to my friend how it was taking an hour to cook the bacon her way when I could have done it in a couple of minutes. This same type of story happened again as we were moving into our house. After describing how I wanted to arrange things in my kitchen, I was told by someone a "better" way to arrange the kitchen from a "home Ec.expert point of view". Instead of considering this point of view and kindly discussing it, I got so angry I broke down with tears and had to walk away really quick so that this person couldn't have another one-up on me by seeing me cry.
It's so bad, that it even happens with friendly advice.... Whats worse, is it happens with friendly advice that I've asked for. This is where I used to get frustrated with my parents when they would help me on my homework when I was younger. I would ask a simple question like, "how do you do this math problem" or if it was my mom "how should I finger this on the piano?" (now this part is just how I felt, not necessarily how the situation actually was) I would get sooo angry when they would give me the answer I wanted, and then explain it. I didn't ask for the explanation! I used to say a lot of "i'm not stupid Mom!".
I'd like to say that I've over come this, and maybe to some extent I have. But in a lot of ways I haven't. Mostly, this behavior is manifested toward my parents. But in reality, I think it's toward anyone I feel vulnerable to or who has some sort of imagined "power" over me. Good thing power is divided pretty equally between Russ and I in our marriage. And to all my friends, this really isn't something you should worry about since I don't feel i'm not in the middle of a power struggle with any of you. Part of overcoming you bad habits and problems is accepting that there is a problem in the first place. So by putting this out there for everyone, this is me accepting that this is something I need to work on, because you really can't scream "i'm not stupid" at everyone.

not at your beckon call

Yesterday something happened to my phone. It was fine all day. I left it home while we went to the lake, so it's not accidental water damage. I stuck it in my pocket before we went to dinner with friends at Rudy's. It was still working when we came home after dinner and picked up my organ gear. It worked when we drove over to the church to practice. When I finished practicing, I pushed lots of buttons, but the screen wouldn't light up. It works when I plug it in. But as soon as it is unplugged, it turns off. Russ figures it my battery since he traded our batteries and my phone worked fine while his stopped working. So there you have it. I am no longer taking phone calls. Just making calls. If you want to get a hold of me, leave a voice message or a text message. Otherwise I'll have no idea you called :)

Excuses

I thought maybe i'd list a lot of excuses for why I haven't been blogging lately. But then I decided not to. The biggest one is that I just haven't felt like it. I finally told Russell last Sunday that it was his job to do the next post. He said he tried yesterday then texted me with "i got nothin". So the task has fallen back into my lap.

So mostly this is a post just for the sake of posting. It's nothing exciting. No awesome news. No adventurous story. No travel documentary. Perhaps I'll do a list....

-I'm avoiding Breaking Dawn. I know that if I get started on it, I wont do anything else. And I have a few "anything elses" to do. Mostly the biggest thing standing in my way is that I have to trudge my way through The Fellowship of the Ring by Friday. Then I have a short 3-5 page paper due a week from today. Plus two finals next Tuesday and Wednesday. After that, my 2 week summer vacation will finally begin!!! I've found it really hard to motivate myself to do any schoolwork lately. It's just the end of summer school and I"m ready for a break. I just have to hold out for another week!! and then Breaking Dawn you are mine!!! .......i've developed a little guilty pleasure in sentence mapping. Who'd have ever thought I would enjoy a grammar class so much!!!!.....

I'm excited for my two week break in school. Hopefully it will be enough before I start another 18 credits in the fall. My first weekend off we're heading out to Austin to babysit our nieces and nephews for a few days. We're excited to spend time with those cute kids. We are kinda bummed about missing our stake conference with Russell M. Nelson (or is it M. Russell Ballard... it's Russell something!) coming to speak to us. We had to turn down our spots in the "special" stake choir. I think I'm a little more bummed about that than Russell is. But the kiddos will be fun too.

Next I'm flying out to Morgan Hill to visit my parents and sister. My older brother will be visiting too! I'm flying out on Aug. 18th, which is my mom's birthday. August is a fabulous month in California. I can't wait to hit up In-N-Out, Sunset Beach, the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, maybe go scuba diving with my dad and visiting cousins, maybe do a quick trip to hike in Yosemite, and so much more. I'm super excited because my good friend/ old roommate/ sister in-law is coming with me. I'll also of course be visiting with old friend and spending time with my family that I miss more and more while I live out here in distant Texas. I can't wait until I graduate so that we can vacation at the same time.

I fly back from California the day before I start classes again. I'm sort of dreading the fall semester. While I did really well my last 18 credit house semester, I barely came out alive. But i'm determined to do it so that my last and final semester of school (when i'll be absolutely sick of school) will be a breeze.


So thats whats going on.