2nd beta

2nd beta was 931 - a doubling of 44 hours.  I've never had drama free betas before...not sure what to do with this ;)

One more on Monday and then schedule the ultrasound.

I think this is really happening!

1st beta is in

444.  This is awesome news because the other times I've been pregnant the first beta is always really low and the doctors are "cautiously optimistic."  Here's hoping I have doubling on Friday :)

Ummm...I'm totally knocked up....

Holy crap!  I took a test last night with an internet cheapie just because I still tend to do that if I'm "late" (in quotes because my cycles are so effed up I don't even know what late is).  It was positive.  Unmistakably positive.  I sent S to the store to get a real test - of course he comes back with a dreaded blue dye test - and I took it first thing this morning.  Yep, still positive.

I'm kinda freaking out.  I had started thinking maybe we could try one more IUI, so it's not like I'm unhappy, I think I'm just in shock.  I have also completely forgotten EVERYTHING about pregnancy.  I can't think straight at all.

And since I'm like a minute pregnant, if the 1 or 2 people who actually read this know me on Facebook, please don't post anything.

Why does the universe fuck with me?

Three months ago we decided to end our fight with infertility.  We were blessed with a happy, healthy little girl, and emotionally, I just could not handle everything that comes with trying (and failing) with "broken lady parts."  It was a tough decision, and one that was not made lightly.  Eventually, after a bit of a rough patch, I made peace with that decision.  I started working on myself.  I had 2 years of baby weight & infertility drug weight to lose.  After 3 months of eating healthy and exercising, it looks as though my period is returning.  WTF???  I know PCOS can be helped with weight loss, but I haven't ovulated on my own since my early 20's...long before I packed on an extra 15-20 lbs.   I don't know if I am actually ovulating, but will go back to temping this month to see.  If I am, it looks like we have another decision to make.

Like I said, I had made peace with not having another child.  Part of me was even relieved that I wouldn't have to go through the sleepless, anxiety ridden, tear filled nights again.  So what do we do now?  We haven't been using birth control and had said if it happens it happens, but I think I was only ok with that because I just didn't think it would happen.  I am being selfish and a little vain.  I am finally getting my body back.  Maddie can entertain herself some, and doesn't require constant attention.  I don't really want to have a kid at 35 or older.  I know these are stupid reasons, and maybe they are just things I invented to convince myself I was fine.

 I just hate that at the moment I was ok with the way things were, the universe decides to fuck with me some more.

Didn't even make it to test day

Thanks body, for the biggest "fuck you" ever.  It didn't even wait until my beta day (which is tomorrow) to let me know we are out of the game.  My period showed up Friday.  I'm not holding out for any miracles tomorrow morning.  That's it, it's over, and I'm done.  It really stings to write those words.  I feel sad for Maddie who won't have a sibling to grow up with.  I feel sad for my husband who won't get to have 2 kids running to the door to wrap him up in hugs.  I feel sad for me and my broken heart.  It looks like infertility won this time.

Last two week wait

After last month's BFN which I took surprisingly hard, we decided we'd give it one more shot, and that's it.  Originally we figured we had the money for 3 IUI attempts, but clearly it's not just about the money.  I was an absolute horrible person to be around for those 3-4 days I was testing at home up until my beta.  I felt so guilty for how short I was with everyone, especially Maddie.  So for everyone's well being, this is the last hurrah.  I triggered with 2 18mm follies on the right ovary.  DH's count was 43 million post-wash, so those seem like good odds.

Just like last month, I don't feel very good about this cycle, but we'll see.  Beta is 2 weeks from today, so I'm officially in what will likely be my last 2 week wait ever.

Growing up so fast

I realize it's been a long time since I wrote anything about Maddie. She is growing up so incredibly fast.  It is amazing to see how much she learns each day.  She says a new word almost every day.  Yesterday was "hat" when she sawher Woody (Toy Story) doll's cowboy hat in the backseat.  "Hat!  Hat! Hat!" she yelled, plain as day.  I handed it to her and she tried to put the 2 inch hat on her head.  Clearly a genius.  She knows a handful of animal sounds, but my absolute favorite is they way she says "Bah" for a sheep...it is kind of a throaty, demonic sound.  It cracks me up every time.  She also knows most body parts names, and when we cuddle in the rocker at night before going to bed, she will touch my face naming all the different parts with a big smile on her face.  She is so loving and affectionate, but also stubborn fiercely independent.  She loves to help mommy and daddy by throwing things in the trash or carrying a bag.  She hates not being able to walk freely and WILL NOT hold our hand.  Which means she usually ends up getting put in the stroller or being picked up, which makes her furious.  She is easily frustrated by her inability to communicate her feelings, but seems to be better when we acknowledge that she is mad (this works most of the time, but not always).  She is so proud of herself when she does something on her own or makes us laugh.  Sometimes she laughs a little like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas...it's a little unsettling.  She loves her dogs and gives them a hug everyday.  Just before she goes to bed, I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her...she responds with an enthusiastic "night night" and "wub woo" which melts my heart.  She's not a baby anymore, but she will always be my baby and I love her more than anything.