Doce días de mis Krismas - Day 2

the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 2nd día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
2 mortal loves ...

"The presents are all wrapped, tamales are done, frijoles are cookin', we made enough dulces y pan to make chingos of dentistas very rich, and everything else is on its way. Cabrón! I think we're ready."
"Where is everybody?"
"All the cuña'os are down the street throwing snowballs at the burros."
"Qué bueno! You know, the peace sign came out pretty suave. We even got compliments from los vecinos."
"Yeah, that was a good idea, better than your alien elves one."
"How many Krismases will this be?"
"Counting this one, two thousand seven."
"No, that we been together, Esa."
"I don't know, I don't remember."
"That's my line."
"Okay, it's been a lot of Krismases."
" 'Member the one when the kids were little?"
"They were always little, 'til they got big. Which one you mean?"
"When they figured out there was no Santa."
"There isn't?"
"I used to call them 'my little pork butts'. 'Member the year the boy learned to read, saw it on a grocery sign and read it to the girl. They went bien locos!"
"Yeah, that was cute. After that Krismas, they always wanted to help make tamales and open presents early."
"How come they didn't help this year?"
"They moved out, remember? But they'll be here later tonight."
"Oh, yeah, ... moved out."
"I want to open your present while everybody's gone."
"Nah, you gotta wait. Santa's list, 'member?"
"But you peeked at yours!"
"Moi? What makes you think that?"
"The mugre job you did taping it up again."
"But I couldn't wait, mi amor!"
"Neither can I. What's say we check 'em out, rewrap 'em, and act surprised when we open 'em up later?"
"Doesn't that count as naughty? Won't Santa get p-o'd?"
"After all my time en la cocina, I deserve naughty, and I don't know no vato Santa. Quick--I'll get the tape."
"I'll get some cervezas and wait for you ... maybe."

(To be completed Christmas Day.)

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

Doce días de mis Krismas - Day 3

the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 3rd día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
3 grinchy friends ...

"Where we gonna get gifts this late? You shoulda told me earlier you drew names at work. "
"I forgot. I need something for 3 of 'em. "
"Three white elephants. Why do they call 'em that, anyway?"
"Can't 'member. Elephant? 'Cause you don't really need one?"
"We could use an elephant--to eat up Rinócero's plastic needles that're droppin' like moscas."
"I wish you wouldn't call ..."
"What'd these so-called friends give you last year?"
"Let's see: a cheap Aztec church key, a plastic mono, a used utility knife."
"No tamale openers, huh?"
"Not unless you count the knife."
"What'd you give them?"
"Nothing; I forgot. Actually, I was sick the year before so we gotta make up for three."
"Chingaus! And what's this mierda about WE? ... Could one of them use a big Krismas tree?"
"Not time for joking. What about that cosa your mom gave you you said sucked?"
"It was a miniature vacuum; it was supposed to suck."
"Oh. ... Let's see--three presents, three ... wise men. Got any gold, frankin--?"
"No time for jokes.
"Three, three ... three dozen tamales!"
"They're your friends, not mine."
"Well then, three subscriptions to ..."
"Chichi magazines--great, the perfect Krismas gift! So they think they're the muy macho types?"
"One's more macho than the others. She's Real Butch."
"Una lesbiana?"
"No, that's just her nickname: Real Butch."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I forgot."
"Well, anyway, I guess that would take care of your elephants, qué no?"
"Actually, no. I forgot the ..."

(Continued on Day 2.)

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

Doce días de mis Krismas - Day 6

the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 6th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
6 misas' crying ...

"Vas conmigo a la misa?"
"You know I hate goin' to church. It's always so somber."
"It wouldn't kill ya to go the rest of these days. You only went once this year. Real Catholics are supposed to go more.".
"Nah, I'm thinking of converting, like maybe to Muslim, or Druid."
"Por qué?"
"Because maybe they let you have more no-shows than the Church."
"Bobo, that's not how you're supposed to decide."
"What--I'm supposed to decide rationally?"
"Course not. It's a matter of faith."
"But I got no faith."
"That's why you need to go, Ese--to find some."
"But, I do have a different kind o' faith."
"Like what?"
"I got faith that ... that ..."
"See what I mean?"
"I got faith that this is gonna be a great Krismas!"
"We got bills coming out the yin-yang, I got pressured into making 12 dozen tamales, your sobrino Pepito's stinkin' up the curtains and Rinócero's shedding like a Persian-gone-leper. Tell me what's so great."
"I wish you wouldn't call him that."
"Rinócero, Rinócero, Rinócero."
"No, I meant my sobrino. His name's Pepe."
"Pepito, Pepe--una rosa by any other name would smell as Pepito. So what about mass?"
"I'm thinkin'."
"Tell you what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinking you'd better go pray Pepito and Rinócero don't wind up out in the alley."
"So, what time's that mass start?"
"It starts right after you sweep up after Rinócero."
"I wish you wouldn't--."
"Rinó--."

(Continued on Day 5.)

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

Doce días de mis Krismas - Day 7

the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 7th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
7 bods a-lying ...

"You didn't tell me your cuña'os were coming over for Krismas."
"I forgot."
"You forgot seven extra mouths to feed? I gotta make an extra pot of everything just for them!"
"Ah, but everything you make is so sabroso, mi amante."
"What we'll need is loaves and fishes, sabroso or not. And they're probably gonna wanna stay over the week, too. Where we gonna put 'em? Oh, I know. There's probably enuf room in Rinócero, your new Krismas tree."
"I thought you liked the tree?"
"I'll put up with Rinócero, but do I like it? Yo creo que no."
"Do you have to call it that?"
"Rinócero, Rinócero, Rinócero."
"That's not even the proper term for rhinoceros."
"I guess I'm not feeling very proper…. So, where are they gonna sleep?"
"How 'bout my new workshed?"
"The one that doesn't have any lights or heat? What're they gonna use at night, the chimenea?"
"That's not a bad idea. ... On second thought, chale, it wouldn't work. They'd just come in smellin' like a campfire."
"That'd be an improvement for your sobrino Pepito, the reborn hippie."
"He's just going thru a stage."
"Es cierto--the stage of a ripe 21."
"I never complain about your cuña'os."
"That's 'cause they bathe."
"There's an idea! Why don't we have them put 'em up?"
"Cuña'os with the cuña'os? Huh... Cariño, now you're using your cabeza."
"Exactly why you married me, que no, Esa?"

(Continued on Day 6.)

© Rudy Ch. Garcia