i have this bad habit of looking at things in my life from the perspective of outsiders. i don't know if that's a sign of a low self-esteem (i hope not?) or if it means i have multiple personalities or if it's normal, but it's become reasonably disturbing as of late. it happens mostly with my religion and with the really important choices and decisions in my life.
for example: sometimes i'll think about something another religion does, and about how weird and foreign it is. and then i'll think, "whoa, that's what other people think about mormons. THAT'S why they think we're so weird." this happens quite frequently. i think this process is good, because it stops me from taking my beliefs for granted, but i also think it is bad, because it sometimes challenges those ideas i was raised in and makes me question them in a disturbing way. disturbing because nobody really likes questioning the paradigm they grew up in, and although i do realize how important it is to progress, it doesn't make it any easier to reconcile and believe.
another example: i was talking with some people in my program and they asked me how old i was and when i got married. naturally, they were shocked and most likely disgusted when they heard i was 22, got married when i was 20, changed my name to my husband's, etc. etc. and on the one hand, i wanted to plead with them and tell them, "it was the right thing to do! i WANTED to do it! i am happy with that choice and i'm happy with my life now! you just don't understand!" but on the other hand, i totally, totally understood where they were coming from and wanted to say, "I KNOW, I KNOW, i totally agree with you. i was a child bride. i think it's crazy too!"
conversations like that make me question all the choices i've made and all the future choices i'm going to make. after having that conversation, i just kept thinking, "and think how much MORE crazy they would think me if i happened to get pregnant before we graduate!" (*not an announcement, don't freak out*) it's awkward keepin' on knowing that other people think i'm crazy, think that my opinions are offensive or my beliefs and choices are naive. you know what i mean? not that i'm not going to stop keepin' on, just that i now have their incredulous looks playing in the background as i do it.
and the real problem is--those conversations and encounters are never going to go away. i've put my life on this path that other people (generally non-lds people) ARE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND, and most likely will never agree with. i remember my mom had 4 kids by the time she was 30--and there are (many) girls in my program who are 30 and have no idea of having kids--much less 4 of them. they are great people, fun to work with and ambitious and hard-working, but they would NEVER understand the life choices we make, no matter how much i explain it to them. kind of like how i don't understand some of their choices (never having kids? that is completely foreign to me).
but you know what? i can't let that knowledge of their judgments and their ideals affect my future choices and decisions; those decisions have to be made based on MY judgments and MY ideals (and tommy's, of course). it's just so hard to remember . . . and sometimes it's hard enough to know what my judgments are.
my personal goal for the rest of the year: combine my multiple personalities and kick out the outsider in my brain.
