Real Life

I felt like what I wrote about yesterday was incomplete, and then my mom confirmed it when she texted me this morning saying, "I just read your blog which made every high sound so awesome. That is how it at night when they go to sleep." Which is so true! I said yesterday that right now, I am living my dream life in all of the most important aspects. But that doesn't mean it's very fun all the time or that I'm doing a very good job. To prove it, I made a list all of the not-amazing parenting moments I've had over the last day and a half (that I can remember):

- Dane came out of his room during naptime yesterday to go potty. I heard him running the water for at least five minutes, supposedly washing his hands. We have been trying for MONTHS to get him to not waste water and to wash his hand quickly, but I've been trying to not make a big deal out of it. I finally told him to turn off the water and go back to his room. He said, "But I haven't washed my hands!" I got really mad and made him go back into his room without washing his hands at all. Then he screamed at me for ten minutes from his bed, and I went in and took all his books away, and he screamed some more. I ended up shutting myself in my room with the bathroom fan on so I couldn't hear him screaming at me.

- Dane has started being really stubborn about obeying us. Even about the most innocuous things. He'll say, "I'm not going to do that" when he doesn't want to obey. He's really matter-of-fact about it, but he sticks to his guns and won't listen to reason. Two examples:
Me: Dane, we're going to go to the park! Go get your shoes and socks on and go potty.
Dane: I'm not going to do that.
Or,
Me: These avocados are going bad. Let's have them for lunch today.
Dane: I'm not going to do that.
He's said this to me at least six times in the last day, and I get mad every single time.

- Dane pooped in his underwear at the park yesterday. I did actually manage to stay happy and nice with him, but it was still stressful figuring out how to deal with it and clean everything up and get home.

- Graham woke up at 3:45 am and stayed awake in his crib talking for the next HOUR. I went in there and rocked him and he still kept talking. I was so mad that he was awake for no good reason at that ridiculous hour and I sat there cursing angrily to myself. I ended up just shutting his door so that I couldn't hear him and so I could sleep. (At least I didn't take it out on him.)

- Graham screams his way through every meal. If he doesn't want the food in front of him, he screams and screams until you figure out what random food he does want or until you take him out. It is really hard to do breakfast with him because we usually just make him some baby oatmeal (with applesauce) and he spends the whole time trying to swat it away. Today he smacked the spoon and threw oatmeal all over the carpet. I was really annoyed.

- We went on a walk yesterday. Dane wouldn't stay in the stroller and Graham started screaming because he wanted to get out. Our walk got cut short.

- We went to two different parks yesterday. Both times Graham spent the whole time writhing and screeching and trying to crawl through the wood chips so he could put every dirty, choke-hazardy wood chip into his mouth. I was exhausted just having to wrangle him around the playground.

- As we were leaving the park yesterday, Dane refused to leave. He yelled, "NO!" really angrily and ran away (with about six other moms looking on). I told him I was leaving and walked away. He didn't believe me and didn't even care. Darn it. I eventually coaxed him to leave but he kept telling me he was mad at me. He started yelling at me in the car, "JUST DO MY BUCKLE! JUST DO IT!" and I snapped at him to wait, and that we don't ask for things like that. He sulked the whole way home.

- We Skyped with Tommy (who was on a business trip) while I was making dinner and Dane refused to actually talk to him. So I took the computer to the kitchen to talk to Tommy myself and Dane threw a fit.

- Last night Dane was pretending to be Scar from the Lion King and saying, "Long live the king!" and pushing Graham over. I yelled at him to stop. (He'd pushed or hugged too tightly or smothered Graham at least thirteen times earlier in the day.)

I don't write these down because I think I was a terrible mom or made a billion mistakes. I think I am pretty normal and I know it was a long day yesterday. I don't think I even did half bad, because there were other moments where I held my cool and averted a disaster that I don't even remember (because the only moments that stick out are the ones that went bad). Mostly I think it's just funny that all of these things happened in one day (or a day and a half) and that yesterday was still a pretty good day. Dane was definitely more tired and naughty than usual, which made me more grumpy than usual--we don't normally have quite so many fights and he's usually much more compliant. But still--at the end of the day, I sat down to write a blog post and I could only think about how beautiful and amazing my life is. Isn't that the magic of having little kids? Their offenses are so minor that we can forgive and forget them and still want to spend all (or at least most) of our time with them.

I said yesterday in my blog post that I'm happy every day. I don't mean that I'm happy all day. Because obviously, if you look at the list above, I am NOT. I am pretty grumpy a lot of the day. But I am happy for at least part of every day. It's hard not to be when that screaming, screeching baby finally stops screaming and lays his head on your shoulder to snuggle when you're putting him to bed. And when they're finally IN bed and I get time to myself to reflect on the day and rejuvenate. That is what makes it a dream life, in spite of all of these real-life moments. Thank goodness for that.

Dream Life

I've got a great life. Right now, Tommy's not here, and I'm sitting on the couch, just finished a great book, eating a giant slice of angel food cake with my hands, and looking at pictures of my two boys who knock my heart out every day. Seriously. I've been trying very consciously to look at things with the big picture lately--to count my blessings and remember how wonderful we have it and how fleeting these stages are. And it really makes a difference. It helps me to not get mad when I want to and to calm down more quickly when I've lost it. I feel so deeply grateful when I reflect how lucky we are to have two boys who are healthy and growing. Full stop. I think of our friends whose son has cancer--and that's all I need to think about to help me remember that my small struggles, my moments of total frustration, are totally trivial compared to other potential trials that are out there.

I have felt like we have been in SUCH a good groove lately. Sure, there are long moments or hours, and it's so much more work, but as a whole, things have been running pretty smoothly around here. We have found our rhythm with two kids, and it's so much fun. I don't know if I've already said this on this blog, but two kids is way more FUN than one. Watching the two of them interact and laugh at each other is the best part of the day. They make each other laugh SO HARD. Dane gets the serious case of the giggles when Graham starts crawling on top of him and Graham can't stop laughing when Dane is making funny noises. I love, love, love it. We have been going out to the park a lot, since it's been in the sixties and seventies every day lately (what winter?), and it makes us all so happy and helps to pass the time so well when we can go outside so much. I need to remember this month when it's August and it's 105 every day.

This boy is a crawling machine! He is everywhere. He was so happy to crawl through this tent tunnel at Ikea.

Oh my gosh, this is so cute. I took him down the slide at our park (in my lap!) and he was absolutely terrified and couldn't stop screaming for so long afterwards. And for the next few weeks, he started screaming if we even walked over near the slides. I love how cute and scared he was. (He's already getting over it and will go on the slide now with just a few little fake cries.)

Dane learning how to throw a Frisbee.

Laughing at Daddy's feet holding him up.

I don't know if there's any activity so charming or picture-perfect as flying a kite. It's a little more stressful as the adult trying to get the kite in the air, but I love that moment of having the kite in the air so much that it's worth it.

Dane stopped napping, pretty much (the day I've dreaded for years!), but some days he still crashes and falls asleep in the afternoon. He's fallen asleep in the stroller on an afternoon walk a few times. And it's so cute.

Such a cute sight to see Graham crawling to find us in another room. Dane loves it and thinks that Graham is always chasing him. Which, he basically is.

A fun morning on the trampoline. 

Dane has started to insist on wearing one black sock and one white sock sometimes. It's fine because we somehow have actually lost one black sock and one white sock, so the two of them make up a pair now. I have given up any say in what Dane wears and my life is so much better for it. The people at the gym are always saying, "Oh, Dane, are your shoes on the wrong feet?" and I don't even notice any more.

Graham was up early one morning so I was lying on the couch while he crawled around in the family room and he eventually crawled over to the books and pulled out his favorite one and was looking through it all on his own.

Graham's ideal life would be if we would just stand and hold him in front of the windows so he could play with the blinds all. day. long.

Oh my gosh. So many hearts. I love this baby. I can't believe he is crawling up the stairs.

Best friends. They really are. 

Graham following big brother wherever he goes.

I came out from the shower yesterday and heard Dane humming like he does when he's eating. (He always hums when he's eating something he likes and it's adorable.) He had set out a picnic for him and his stuffed animals and got carrots and blueberries for them all to eat. He's never gotten food out of the fridge by himself before, so this was totally new. He had even given each of his stuffed animals their own carrot to eat.

My friend Libby wrote on her blog about how she realized that if she'd been 19 looking at her life now, she would have thought it was her dream life. And I think mine is the same way. I really do have my dream life. I probably wouldn't have ever said that without thinking about it, but look at me. I'm married to the best person ever. I have two great boys who I love and who are healthy, and we have plenty of time to have more. I am able to stay home with them, and I genuinely enjoy the challenge of staying home with them and figuring out how to do this parenting thing. I have time to exercise and read and do a little bit of work with my master's on the side to keep my foot in the door, a little bit. I'm happy, every day. It's an amazing, super privileged life--but it's also the life I would have said I was aiming for ten years ago. That makes me feel so grateful and blessed to recognize that.

Valentine's Day

Tommy and I went on our first (official) date on the day after Valentine's Day... eight years ago.

He called me to ask me out on Valentine's Day--very brave of him, if you ask me. And the best part is--I missed the call, so he left the world's longest, most awkward message asking me out for the next night. I WISH that I had that message still. I don't even remember what he said. I just remember playing it and laughing, and showing it to my roommates. And later, once we were actually dating, laughing it over with Tommy too.

We went and got pupusas for dinner together on Center Street. When I got in his car and he told me what he had planned, I laughed out loud. It sounds ridiculous, but I honestly thought it was almost too coincidental that this guy, on our first date, was taking me to eat pupusas, a food that has so much history to my family growing up. I didn't even want to tell my family that that's where we went on our date because I knew everyone would raise their eyebrows and say, "Oooooh!" I don't remember much about the date except that we had to walk around for a while until there was space in the restaurant. And I remember finding out that he had eight siblings, and that he was wearing his LAFD t-shirt and that he looked really cute. I really liked him but that meant I was all the more likely to pretend that it wasn't a big deal. I wish I had been better about that. We don't have a single picture of us from that whole winter semester when we were first dating--I just spent an hour looking through our computer and Facebook. So sad.

It's hard to believe that it's been eight years since that first, awkward phone exchange and date. And it's also hard to believe that it's ONLY been eight years--because it feels like we've had life together for a lot longer than that.

This year we had our most low-key V-day celebration to date. We had a heart-shaped pizza for dinner on Saturday (thank you Papa Murphy's). And then this morning we had crepes for brunch and fondue for dessert. How else do you celebrate Valentine's Day except with candy and food? I truly don't know. Tommy got the best Valentine's Day present: he drove the twenty-minute trek south to Trader Joe's and bought some flowers and some dark chocolate peanut butter cups for me. HE GETS ME.

I love my three Valentines. Especially Tommy. I couldn't ask for anything more.

(One of the earliest pictures that we have of the two of us together. From AUGUST 2008. Six whole months after our first date. So sad! But also, we were such babies. Love this.)