Tag: decisions

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

My Personal Bucketlist

Published on by Lavender22 Comments

Tomorrow will be a new day for me. I will challenge myself to complete one activity on my bucket list.

I won’t say what is it, but I believe it should be fun and it will push my limits. If I decide it’s not for me, I can always leave. No harm done.

–

I’m beginning to better understand my emotions. When I receive bad news, I tend to overreact, meaning I just beat the crap out of myself and believe that I’m a failure. It’s difficult for me to see the bright side. I believe this is due to the conditioned behavior I have acquired with my upbringing. I know its destructive and I am my worse enemy. The only one that can stop me is myself. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards fixing them. You can’t run away from emotions, but you can at least nurture and learn to care for them.

Being an abandoned child only served to seek more “neglectful” people. I’m starting to notice the patterns in my life. My friendships consisted of the push and pull and I admit I was prey to their ways. I only knew from experience that it was a sort of give and take with regards to people’s behaviors. With this ingrained into me, I thought it was normal behavior. I began to think if people acted or reacted towards me in a certain way, it was because of my “actions.” I unconsciously took cues from people, molding my behavior to fit each individual. Which in turn meant people lay boundaries for me, not the other way around.

My beliefs and principles revolved around whoever I was with. Currently, it lays with my family. Slowly, I am beginning to take Lavender, looking at her as an outsider and think what is she? who is she? how is she?

I have many questions and hopefully tomorrow’s journey will provide not answers, but a path. Not just any path, but Lavender’s path.

–

I’ve also realize the world is a much better place when you have loving and caring friends who are there to support you – no matter where they are.

You know who you are.

Thank you so much, ❤

~Lavender

Observations, Part 2

Published on by Lavender16 Comments

Conversations with myself: 

My friends ask me why. 

Why do I choose to stay, listen, and absorb. 

They tell me I’ve been soaking up the conditioned behavior and reflecting it back to them. 

They say it’s the same thing every single time, aren’t you smart enough to know by now. Why do you continue to doubt yourself. 

You need to stay positive, detached from any statements he makes as they are used as a manipulative tool to rattle your brain. Causing you to not believe in yourself, your words. 

Yet I think to myself is my husband really capable of such malicious behavior? 

Is he really that evil of a person? 

I know he only wants control and my submission. 

Why am I unable to attend to his needs any longer ? 

Why do I refuse to back down even though I can see his pain. 

He claims I’m torturing him.

Why? 

Just why. 

Trust 

Published on by Lavender9 Comments

Dreams: 

I am sitting across from you. I tell you we need to let go and trust one another. Honesty is one the many issues we have. I said im being as rational and level headed as I possibly could give the events that has occurred. At this point we are hugging as I’m talking to you. 

I also made an additional point and your response was another explanation on top of another explanation. I only hope one day you will free yourself. I know not in this life, but the next. 
Peace be with you. 

Dragonflies Dining with Butterflies

Published on by Lavender21 Comments

image

I know I make much nonsense

But apples are apples

And oranges are oranges

Who are you to judge what is what

I do realize you’ve sacrificed your money for the family

But…so have I

My earnings have no comparison against yours

But I deserve respect

And equality

Something I’ll continue to fight

Since you’re a

Racist

Homophobic

Bigot

Womanizer

And the list goes on…

You’ve taught me one important lesson

I’ll never marry EVER

Not in this lifetime nor the next one.

Marriage is just full of treacherous paths

Compromises leading to resentment

Frustrations turns into indifference

Life becomes monotony

Perhaps dragonflies should dine with butterflies…

I love you 😘, Part 9

Published on by LavenderLeave a comment

The leaves are angered

Surrounded you pick and choose

At your own leisure

The one who

Stays on your side

Loves you unconditionally

Pleases your desires

Understands your needs

Empathizes your thoughts

Never waivers in their devotion

Falters in their faith for you

Questions your love

Wants for anything

Severs the connection

Second Chances

Published on by Lavender16 Comments

I’ve been pondering about this topic for the longest time.

Do you believe in second chances ?

I use to think if I give people the benefit of a doubt; mistakes and miscommunication will be forgiven and life goes on.

So far this has worked out for me for the most part. At times it did not.

I believe this mainly lies with the person at hand.

Does that person actually want to be given a second chance or do they want the underlying problems swept under the rug?

Where do you draw the line ? The first or second cut ? Or none at all.

~

Recently, I’ve noticed occurrences that has happened in my life. I’ve noticed how my mind would register for example, oh that’s just a rock, I’m sure I can find that rock later I don’t need to worry about gathering that up for my collection. That’s how my mind use to function. Nowadays, I would observe something and my mind goes oh I better do something about it before it goes away because the next time I probably won’t get the chance.

Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something to take the leap over fear.

I’m fearful of many things.

What I’m most fearful of?

Failure.

I understand without failure, success cannot be achieved. However, consistent failure is not a recipe for success either.

Perhaps my notion of second chances will bring me faith from failure. 

~Lavender