Tag: disappointment

Streaked Grey-Azure Horizons

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Cloud streaked deep blue grey skies
Cover skyscrapers in the horizon.

This is my view afforded each morning during my commute to work.

Each time I see the view I am reminded over again I need to take a DSLR camera and take that magnificent skyline.

However, my camera is broken and I’ve yet to fix or replaced it.

It’s certainly a tough job being a public service worker. You understand in your heart, you are servicing the people who are in need of your services. Yet you also know and think something must have happened in their life to lead them to their dire circumstances.

You can’t help but think if only, if only they had it within their willpower, their strength. Yet the very thing I’m thinking of, I’m actually referring to is myself.

If I only did this, did that, we’ll that most certainly would never happen.

It’s useless crying over spilled milk, I’ve only begun to accept this as fact.

Expending my energy towards work I have no passion for only burns me up. Yet I’ve started to notice my current life circumstances are a continuous line which leads into my work.

It also seems as if im doomed to a life of repentance. I absolutely refuse to believe my existence as a woman is the sole sexual object of a man’s desire. Obviously, it’s nice to think and accept you’re attractive to the male species. It’s the unwarranted advances and continuous objections that flat out wear you down. The cycle continues on and on. You realize it will never stop. Yet you are trying to figure out what you life’s mission is.

Each day my mind is set on working to the best of my ability. Rinse, dry, repeat. I want so much to just leave. I’ve tried so many times. Mentally I’ve left for the past 6 years, physically I’m still here.

It’s not easy certainly. Yet it’s not impossible I understand. Sometimes I feel every I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back.

The vulnerability I feel deeply at times, I burst into tears. The tears wet the corners of my eyes falling onto my cheeks. I’m crying for the hurt I’ve encountered, the pain I’ve endured, the struggle I’m still trying to overcome, the loneliness in companionship, my infrequent attempts at finding my own inner strength and passion.

Random Thoughts of the Day

Published on by Lavender5 Comments

Each time you ruminate

Your mind time travels back to a place frozen in memories whether it might be sad or happy. It brings forth emotions otherwise hidden in the present.

Once upon a time, there was a couple far, far away… Melancholy feelings, nostalgia.

Sometimes they are best kept hidden away in a dusty shelf only to be revisited by future descendants. Because revisiting your own stories create chaos and fantasy not intrigue.

Cluttered Thoughts

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

I am letting my emotions get the best of me. My mind is cluttered with thoughts of being held responsible for my husband’s life. Our conversation made it seem as thought I had ruined his life, destroyed his career, that he had “sacrificed” his entire youth for me and the family. He had succeeded into guilt tripping me, pulling at the invisible threads of fear, obligation, and self-pity.

I am still conflicted between being responsible as a wife; to what extend is a wife/husband responsible for the other person’s well being. I feel as if I’m on a see saw, I’m constantly being slid back and forth. How far does my obligation extend to? As far as this culture goes, I’m torn in half; one foot is out the door while one foot is still hanging in there.

My friends ask why I am allowing my husband to manipulate and control the way I feel; that my feelings can only be controlled neither myself; that I should not allow anyone else nor do they have any right to do so.

Currently, I feel immobilized. I can feel my anger escalating. I can feel myself just giving a though to anyone and just packing up and leaving. My kids. My kids keep me from doing anything drastic. Besides packing up and leaving is a childish action is it not? I believe it’s an immature act.

I feel mentally defeated, shot down, whatever you call it. He managed to bring me into his pit of “fire.” He pretty much killed my spirit and I think that was what he wanted to achieve to bring me back into this life. Apparently, my kids and I do not fit into his model. We are way too westernized, self absorbed, selfish, you name it. Okay, I admit my kids are little preoccupied with themselves, but they are learning how to protect themselves.

It’s extremely difficult to keep my emotions in check. I cannot “release” them anywhere. My emotions are kept in check at work, at home. I worry one day and it will “explode.”  I am also careful and I have to keep in check especially with what I say to my husband as he will twist my words to serve his own benefits and needs. The moments I do have, such as now, I try to balance myself by writing this out.

At the moment, I feel defeated. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. Without them, I really do not know what else there is for me. Sometimes the fight last for so long, you lose track of time and motivation. You begin to lose yourself, who you are as a person.

::
On a side note, I can finally listen to “Possession” without tears running down my eyes. I can listen and think of the good times we had. It was a turning point in my life and as with everything I took a risk.

As with most risks, the bad always outweigh the good, right?

And good times eventually come to an end, don’t they?

Relief or Grief?

Published on by Lavender23 Comments

Conversations:

You were actually being amicable. However, I still believe deep inside you have wronged me. Will we ever go back to the innocent, young, gullible girl? I don’t know.

I wished for a separation. You said how you thought about us? the kids? I said I’m not going anywhere. My kids are my priority.

I asked why did you grabbed my comforter this morning and spanked my ass as if we were “joking”? You said because I wanted to “touch” my wife. I said I had asked you not to “touch” me. I said you cannot even listen to such a simple thing,

Then you kept asking me when was your next therapy session. That we should go together. I said I don’t know as the therapist had not contacted me and my timing was not working for her.

I said to you it does not matter what I plan to do after the separation. You said it does because I believe you acting very foolish. I said whatever I do it will be for the kids. Besides that what is wrong with being single?

He said don’t you want someone to care for you, love you?

I said No, I don’t need ANYONE.

::

The only person I will ever need is the one I WANT.

 

 

 

Vessel

Published on by Lavender24 Comments

My experiences in life have rendered me incapable of feeling.

The damage you inflicted upon me is what you see

We all tolerate pain, misery, sadness

Suffering in silence

Love

What exactly is love?

I know when I love

I will give my all

My Soul

My Mind

My Body

And when it’s not requited?

The pain is unimaginable

Soul wrenching

Nauseous 

Your physical being turned inside out

As if you’re experiencing metamorphosis 

I was left in the darkness

Guideless

Trying futilely to find my way

To the light

Where all is good and peaceful

When will I ever find my peace?

Vessel

My body is only but a vessel

A Vessel that contains the supposed physical intimate connection

But what happens when trauma damages the vessel?

Physically the vessel will eventually heal

Emotional scars are invisible, appearing as YOU wish them to. 

You can push them aside, shovel them elsewhere

They are not visible after all

However the tricky part is that it can always resurface

Resurface in the worst of times

You can never run away from your past

But you can never let your past catch up to you

Nor can you ever forget your past

But do not let your past immerse you, define you

Your past serves to continue on this journey you have taken

The struggles

The hurt

The pain

The suffering

The temporary relief

Of

Happiness

At the end of the journey, there is only you and no one else onboard

Written in reflection to my friend’s short stories, Love- A Haunting Unpeace

A Void

Published on by Lavender10 Comments

I can no longer feel.

I feel a tinge of numbness which has all but faded into oblivion.

I have faint memories of a distant car ride.

Leaves blowing about in a playground.

Sounds of multiple snapshots, taken of multiple frames.

A lovely forest filled with lavender wheat-like stalks, covering a shimmery pond overlooking a sunrise.

A wooden swing designed for a couple.

–

Walking over to the dock during this afternoon, I remember distinctly the meaningless friendly chat, my mind retains the memory.

But the memory no longer has a hold on me.

Because my mind has finally recognize the reality.

It was all a fantasy.

Nothing was ever real.

(Except the void)

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

Spread Your Wings, Butterfly

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Does anyone remember this song when it first came out?

I remember the lyrics and melody touching me internally, yet I wasn’t able to relate. I had not gone through the hardships of life.

Yet, it seems when you have hardships tumbling down you find yourself surrounded in meaning.

So I understand if things were meant to be, eventually, it will return to me.

If not, then you were never meant to be mine.

I feel much better now, thinking about this.

So spread your wings, butterfly, and let go.

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It’s easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you’re
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were ment to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly, butterfly

I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t over flowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Once and for all…

Published on by Lavender12 Comments

I am trying to leave you behind just as you chose to do with me.

It’s so difficult to do because the fact remains you wish for me to wait for you.

This I know. Because you repeat this pattern every SINGLE time.

You expect me to wait for you while you go on about your life.

Sometimes I wish for you to feel the extent of my emotions.

Perhaps feeling them will make you feel something.

In the past, you stated pain was not what you wished for me to feel.

This was the main reason stopping me from telling you what I REALLY feel.

You ask me to tell you everything including my feelings for you.

Yet I always stopped short for fear of how you would react.

Losing you was my greatest fear.

So I bottled them up.

I pretended nothing had occurred and we resumed how we normally always do.

Your disappearance only served to plunge me deeper into the mysteries of your mind.

I binged on TV shows you gave me recommendations on.

I remember you telling me watching them will give me a better understanding of you.

Watching them only made me sad because I said why would he disappear on her since he loved her so?

You responded, “Because he knew she would never leave his side and he did not want her to waste her life with a man who would never die. He wanted her to have a normal, happy life with someone who would not disappear at a moment’s notice never to return.”

And I should have known better, right?

Yet I stuck by you, because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in the impossible. I wanted to believe your words.

Do you still remember your words?

“I wish for this to last for years and years. Many years.”

We lasted. Not many years, but many heartbreaking moments.

Moments that you and I both know will remain.

I don’t even know how long we lasted.

I haven’t officially cut the cord.

Nor did you.

But Silence did.

 

 

Your Enemy

Published on by Lavender5 Comments

Dream:

Someone is chasing me virtually sending anonymous messages where I reply as truthfully as I am able to.

Soon I figure out through a couple of emails, you’re using me as bait to track your enemy.

You tell me through email I have to continue so you will have “proof.” You say you no longer wish to extend the olive branch.

–

As Omtatjuan3 says, “This soon will pass.”