Warning: Yet another rant, please excuse my language and verbage. I apologize if this offends anyone. I’m not seeking sympathy only releasing of thoughts ruminating in my head.
I’m not sure how much longer I can tolerate before I break loose and lose my mind. I know it sounds worse than what it sounds like (but really isn’t).
Everything is working against me. I no longer have anything to look forward to.
People may term this condition as depression. I’m sure though it mostly has a lot to do with the situation in my present life.
I do not wish to submit to medication. I believe that’s just an excuse to relieve myself out of the misery by a temporary reprise.
I’ve realized over the course of this time period in regards to my “escapism”; I’ve bounced myself from here to there to this and that. Since I’ve gone cold turkey the “escapism,” I’m experienced a whole variety of emotions I’ve never allowed myself to feel before.
All I can say about this dilemma is that
1) I wish I was able to release every single element in my body, to surender to the pain (but I always held a part of myself for fear ie. wrong timing, felt too vulnerable, and just plain scared);
2) I wish I would be more honest with myself, yet I stepped backwards this time WAY backwards because I was being honest with my husband (in regards to our relationship but ultimately backfired to my own detriment) caused my current state to lose my own personal standing ground. So now I’ve become a pathetic piece of paper that drifts off into her daily automated message system.
My days consist something of this effect,
Beep, beep
Beep, beep
Beep, beep
Go Lavender
Go
(Like the Road Runner, right ? )
Now I do understand my behavior is passive aggressive in terms of blaming something that I’m not taking action for. I understand all that.
But my problem lies in what else could possibly be even worse for me (than what’s going on my current state) for me to take the torch ?
::
I know only I myself has the answers. What I’m seeking mostly is healing and forgiveness for myself.
If I’m unable to repair myself no one else can…
Lavender's Dream Web 