Tag: grief

Relief or Grief?

Published on by Lavender23 Comments

Conversations:

You were actually being amicable. However, I still believe deep inside you have wronged me. Will we ever go back to the innocent, young, gullible girl? I don’t know.

I wished for a separation. You said how you thought about us? the kids? I said I’m not going anywhere. My kids are my priority.

I asked why did you grabbed my comforter this morning and spanked my ass as if we were “joking”? You said because I wanted to “touch” my wife. I said I had asked you not to “touch” me. I said you cannot even listen to such a simple thing,

Then you kept asking me when was your next therapy session. That we should go together. I said I don’t know as the therapist had not contacted me and my timing was not working for her.

I said to you it does not matter what I plan to do after the separation. You said it does because I believe you acting very foolish. I said whatever I do it will be for the kids. Besides that what is wrong with being single?

He said don’t you want someone to care for you, love you?

I said No, I don’t need ANYONE.

::

The only person I will ever need is the one I WANT.

 

 

 

Vessel

Published on by Lavender24 Comments

My experiences in life have rendered me incapable of feeling.

The damage you inflicted upon me is what you see

We all tolerate pain, misery, sadness

Suffering in silence

Love

What exactly is love?

I know when I love

I will give my all

My Soul

My Mind

My Body

And when it’s not requited?

The pain is unimaginable

Soul wrenching

Nauseous 

Your physical being turned inside out

As if you’re experiencing metamorphosis 

I was left in the darkness

Guideless

Trying futilely to find my way

To the light

Where all is good and peaceful

When will I ever find my peace?

Vessel

My body is only but a vessel

A Vessel that contains the supposed physical intimate connection

But what happens when trauma damages the vessel?

Physically the vessel will eventually heal

Emotional scars are invisible, appearing as YOU wish them to. 

You can push them aside, shovel them elsewhere

They are not visible after all

However the tricky part is that it can always resurface

Resurface in the worst of times

You can never run away from your past

But you can never let your past catch up to you

Nor can you ever forget your past

But do not let your past immerse you, define you

Your past serves to continue on this journey you have taken

The struggles

The hurt

The pain

The suffering

The temporary relief

Of

Happiness

At the end of the journey, there is only you and no one else onboard

Written in reflection to my friend’s short stories, Love- A Haunting Unpeace

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

Once and for all…

Published on by Lavender12 Comments

I am trying to leave you behind just as you chose to do with me.

It’s so difficult to do because the fact remains you wish for me to wait for you.

This I know. Because you repeat this pattern every SINGLE time.

You expect me to wait for you while you go on about your life.

Sometimes I wish for you to feel the extent of my emotions.

Perhaps feeling them will make you feel something.

In the past, you stated pain was not what you wished for me to feel.

This was the main reason stopping me from telling you what I REALLY feel.

You ask me to tell you everything including my feelings for you.

Yet I always stopped short for fear of how you would react.

Losing you was my greatest fear.

So I bottled them up.

I pretended nothing had occurred and we resumed how we normally always do.

Your disappearance only served to plunge me deeper into the mysteries of your mind.

I binged on TV shows you gave me recommendations on.

I remember you telling me watching them will give me a better understanding of you.

Watching them only made me sad because I said why would he disappear on her since he loved her so?

You responded, “Because he knew she would never leave his side and he did not want her to waste her life with a man who would never die. He wanted her to have a normal, happy life with someone who would not disappear at a moment’s notice never to return.”

And I should have known better, right?

Yet I stuck by you, because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in the impossible. I wanted to believe your words.

Do you still remember your words?

“I wish for this to last for years and years. Many years.”

We lasted. Not many years, but many heartbreaking moments.

Moments that you and I both know will remain.

I don’t even know how long we lasted.

I haven’t officially cut the cord.

Nor did you.

But Silence did.

 

 

Your Enemy

Published on by Lavender5 Comments

Dream:

Someone is chasing me virtually sending anonymous messages where I reply as truthfully as I am able to.

Soon I figure out through a couple of emails, you’re using me as bait to track your enemy.

You tell me through email I have to continue so you will have “proof.” You say you no longer wish to extend the olive branch.

–

As Omtatjuan3 says, “This soon will pass.”

Butterfiles

Published on by Lavender22 Comments

My tears of laughter turned to tears of sadness. 

Luckily the darkness hid the droplets of water falling upon my face. 

After composing myself a few minutes later, the image of you remained in my mind. 

And remained it did.

A few nights ago, I dreamt of us. We were having a baby only to hear it was gone.

Perhaps that was the best. Best to connect our memories as dreams. 

However, I do wonder why butterflies kept fluttering about me the day I went on a trail.

Was that a signal from you ? 

Or the Universe?

I Choose

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

I choose to no longer think about the past.

I choose to think of the future.

I choose to think of myself.

I choose to handle things on my own.

I choose my own life.

I choose to do what I want to do.

I choose and accept responsibility for my own actions.

I choose to love you and I accept it.

I chose love because it gave me hope.

Yet choosing hope only left me with disappointment.

And disappointment gave me abandonment.

 

~Lavender

Visions of My Father

Published on by Lavender13 Comments

Dream:

We are sitting together at a dinner table. My father is present at the table holding onto my daughter, while he is eating. She is only but a few months old. I quickly pick up her and hold her so he can eat in peace. I hold onto her lovingly, as I stare into her eyes, the image slowly changes. I begin to see my father in her soulful eyes.

Suddenly, it hits me that I miss him dearly. Tears fill my eyes and I sob uncontrollably.

~

I wake up crying, feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that I was not able to live up to his expectations.

 

~Lavender