Tag: love

Phantasm

Published on by Lavender10 Comments

Shivering, tingling, tiny vibrations radiate deep within

Lethargic appetite provokes

Perplexes the inner physical sensations

The allure of the Promised Land

Ecstasy is the ultimate sanctuary

Likewise the elixir of fine aged wine

A poised, poisoned sweet pleasure, release

A fiery Halo glows transparently

Soft, sensual, seductive gaze

Captivates, intrigues, binds

Dusty, sweet pink hued, rose-colored pebbled raised mounds

Silky, smooth, unyielding, unwavering rod

Saccharine, deceitful tales cloaked, stowed away

Crystal frosted whip cream gently sprinkles

Gliding down to the salted, melted, caramel ecstasy

Creamy alabaster latte foams overflowing

Saturated puddle of sticky moisture lies between

Parched, withered stark dreams

Barricaded, fuzzy mirage appears

Remotely over the light weighted clouds, snow capped mountains,

The succulent siren beckons

Enticingly, breathlessly, chants,

“Come hither…”

A low, indistinctive melody murmurs,

“I’m coming.”

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Overflowing Eggs and Babies

Published on by Lavender7 Comments

Dream

I am cracking eggs onto a silver plated flat bowl. I cracked three eggs, but I had not noticed it overfilled and spilled. I tried to “sweep” the egg mixture onto the bowl where it just spilled everywhere and created more mess. I turned by head to the left and saw it flowed onto the floor in a straight line, like a path.

::

My friend (who used bully and beat me up as child, we have since forgiven one another) brought her son over for me to babysit. I thought that was very kinds and generous of her to do so given our previous situation.

::

What’s up with these dreams of babies lately? Maybe I want a new beginning, a new start in life, to start over again. Even with a new start, the past clings onto you.

Cluttered Thoughts

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

I am letting my emotions get the best of me. My mind is cluttered with thoughts of being held responsible for my husband’s life. Our conversation made it seem as thought I had ruined his life, destroyed his career, that he had “sacrificed” his entire youth for me and the family. He had succeeded into guilt tripping me, pulling at the invisible threads of fear, obligation, and self-pity.

I am still conflicted between being responsible as a wife; to what extend is a wife/husband responsible for the other person’s well being. I feel as if I’m on a see saw, I’m constantly being slid back and forth. How far does my obligation extend to? As far as this culture goes, I’m torn in half; one foot is out the door while one foot is still hanging in there.

My friends ask why I am allowing my husband to manipulate and control the way I feel; that my feelings can only be controlled neither myself; that I should not allow anyone else nor do they have any right to do so.

Currently, I feel immobilized. I can feel my anger escalating. I can feel myself just giving a though to anyone and just packing up and leaving. My kids. My kids keep me from doing anything drastic. Besides packing up and leaving is a childish action is it not? I believe it’s an immature act.

I feel mentally defeated, shot down, whatever you call it. He managed to bring me into his pit of “fire.” He pretty much killed my spirit and I think that was what he wanted to achieve to bring me back into this life. Apparently, my kids and I do not fit into his model. We are way too westernized, self absorbed, selfish, you name it. Okay, I admit my kids are little preoccupied with themselves, but they are learning how to protect themselves.

It’s extremely difficult to keep my emotions in check. I cannot “release” them anywhere. My emotions are kept in check at work, at home. I worry one day and it will “explode.”  I am also careful and I have to keep in check especially with what I say to my husband as he will twist my words to serve his own benefits and needs. The moments I do have, such as now, I try to balance myself by writing this out.

At the moment, I feel defeated. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. Without them, I really do not know what else there is for me. Sometimes the fight last for so long, you lose track of time and motivation. You begin to lose yourself, who you are as a person.

::
On a side note, I can finally listen to “Possession” without tears running down my eyes. I can listen and think of the good times we had. It was a turning point in my life and as with everything I took a risk.

As with most risks, the bad always outweigh the good, right?

And good times eventually come to an end, don’t they?

Relief or Grief?

Published on by Lavender23 Comments

Conversations:

You were actually being amicable. However, I still believe deep inside you have wronged me. Will we ever go back to the innocent, young, gullible girl? I don’t know.

I wished for a separation. You said how you thought about us? the kids? I said I’m not going anywhere. My kids are my priority.

I asked why did you grabbed my comforter this morning and spanked my ass as if we were “joking”? You said because I wanted to “touch” my wife. I said I had asked you not to “touch” me. I said you cannot even listen to such a simple thing,

Then you kept asking me when was your next therapy session. That we should go together. I said I don’t know as the therapist had not contacted me and my timing was not working for her.

I said to you it does not matter what I plan to do after the separation. You said it does because I believe you acting very foolish. I said whatever I do it will be for the kids. Besides that what is wrong with being single?

He said don’t you want someone to care for you, love you?

I said No, I don’t need ANYONE.

::

The only person I will ever need is the one I WANT.

 

 

 

A Boy and A Girl

Published on by Lavender11 Comments

​Dream:

I’m heavily pregnant I’m having a daughter. I should be having the child within a month. 

I can feel the baby kicking me. I’m thinking to myself if I should get my tubes tied so I won’t have this issue again. I sit down in a classroom setting.

I sit down next to the boy I’ve always had a crush on. I ask if he will be able to visit me when I have the baby he said he will try. Then he hands me a flyer of an art gallery exhibit I ask if it’s at University he said no at College and then asks if I would like to go then remembers it’s for invitees only. As we were talking, a woman tells me get up and move over as her stuff is in her desk. I am shocked she asked me as I’m heavily pregnant. But I don’t look very pregnant.

After that we part ways….

I jump into another dream

Vessel

Published on by Lavender24 Comments

My experiences in life have rendered me incapable of feeling.

The damage you inflicted upon me is what you see

We all tolerate pain, misery, sadness

Suffering in silence

Love

What exactly is love?

I know when I love

I will give my all

My Soul

My Mind

My Body

And when it’s not requited?

The pain is unimaginable

Soul wrenching

Nauseous 

Your physical being turned inside out

As if you’re experiencing metamorphosis 

I was left in the darkness

Guideless

Trying futilely to find my way

To the light

Where all is good and peaceful

When will I ever find my peace?

Vessel

My body is only but a vessel

A Vessel that contains the supposed physical intimate connection

But what happens when trauma damages the vessel?

Physically the vessel will eventually heal

Emotional scars are invisible, appearing as YOU wish them to. 

You can push them aside, shovel them elsewhere

They are not visible after all

However the tricky part is that it can always resurface

Resurface in the worst of times

You can never run away from your past

But you can never let your past catch up to you

Nor can you ever forget your past

But do not let your past immerse you, define you

Your past serves to continue on this journey you have taken

The struggles

The hurt

The pain

The suffering

The temporary relief

Of

Happiness

At the end of the journey, there is only you and no one else onboard

Written in reflection to my friend’s short stories, Love- A Haunting Unpeace

A Void

Published on by Lavender10 Comments

I can no longer feel.

I feel a tinge of numbness which has all but faded into oblivion.

I have faint memories of a distant car ride.

Leaves blowing about in a playground.

Sounds of multiple snapshots, taken of multiple frames.

A lovely forest filled with lavender wheat-like stalks, covering a shimmery pond overlooking a sunrise.

A wooden swing designed for a couple.

–

Walking over to the dock during this afternoon, I remember distinctly the meaningless friendly chat, my mind retains the memory.

But the memory no longer has a hold on me.

Because my mind has finally recognize the reality.

It was all a fantasy.

Nothing was ever real.

(Except the void)

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

Hummingbirds and a Beautiful City Skyline

Published on by Lavender24 Comments

Dream: 

I’m over at my mom’s house. I know myself that I’m in a dream. My mom, kids, and I are visiting. I ask my kids which city in comparison do they like better. My son answered and said it’s the same thing. I replied, yes it’s the same thing as they are both cities.

We are walking around the city skyline, probably in the downtown area. We all sit down in the lucious, green lawn. I keep walking ahead of them as I tell then I need to get something from the car. I know my kids are safe as my mom is with them. They brought a book bag and some clothes. My daughter’s stuff nearly flew into the crisp, blue sky. 

Suddenly, I get knocked down, where I’m in the crawling position. I watch as a something is out of focus as its fluttering so quickly my eyes are unable to adjust. Then slowly the object comes into focus and I see a huge hummingbird swallowing a whole live butterfly ? Or some bug. The hummingbird wing’s flaps profusely and turns it’s head over to my direction. I’m frightened it will attack me so I instinctively cover my face with my hands. I then open them to see it smiling at me. I pet it gently and say you are a strong bird. The hummingbird smiles back at me saying no you are, and proceeds to fly away. 

Spread Your Wings, Butterfly

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Does anyone remember this song when it first came out?

I remember the lyrics and melody touching me internally, yet I wasn’t able to relate. I had not gone through the hardships of life.

Yet, it seems when you have hardships tumbling down you find yourself surrounded in meaning.

So I understand if things were meant to be, eventually, it will return to me.

If not, then you were never meant to be mine.

I feel much better now, thinking about this.

So spread your wings, butterfly, and let go.

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It’s easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you’re
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were ment to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly, butterfly

I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t over flowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly, oh
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly