Tag: past

Streaked Grey-Azure Horizons

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Cloud streaked deep blue grey skies
Cover skyscrapers in the horizon.

This is my view afforded each morning during my commute to work.

Each time I see the view I am reminded over again I need to take a DSLR camera and take that magnificent skyline.

However, my camera is broken and I’ve yet to fix or replaced it.

It’s certainly a tough job being a public service worker. You understand in your heart, you are servicing the people who are in need of your services. Yet you also know and think something must have happened in their life to lead them to their dire circumstances.

You can’t help but think if only, if only they had it within their willpower, their strength. Yet the very thing I’m thinking of, I’m actually referring to is myself.

If I only did this, did that, we’ll that most certainly would never happen.

It’s useless crying over spilled milk, I’ve only begun to accept this as fact.

Expending my energy towards work I have no passion for only burns me up. Yet I’ve started to notice my current life circumstances are a continuous line which leads into my work.

It also seems as if im doomed to a life of repentance. I absolutely refuse to believe my existence as a woman is the sole sexual object of a man’s desire. Obviously, it’s nice to think and accept you’re attractive to the male species. It’s the unwarranted advances and continuous objections that flat out wear you down. The cycle continues on and on. You realize it will never stop. Yet you are trying to figure out what you life’s mission is.

Each day my mind is set on working to the best of my ability. Rinse, dry, repeat. I want so much to just leave. I’ve tried so many times. Mentally I’ve left for the past 6 years, physically I’m still here.

It’s not easy certainly. Yet it’s not impossible I understand. Sometimes I feel every I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back.

The vulnerability I feel deeply at times, I burst into tears. The tears wet the corners of my eyes falling onto my cheeks. I’m crying for the hurt I’ve encountered, the pain I’ve endured, the struggle I’m still trying to overcome, the loneliness in companionship, my infrequent attempts at finding my own inner strength and passion.

Random Thoughts of the Day

Published on by Lavender5 Comments

Each time you ruminate

Your mind time travels back to a place frozen in memories whether it might be sad or happy. It brings forth emotions otherwise hidden in the present.

Once upon a time, there was a couple far, far away… Melancholy feelings, nostalgia.

Sometimes they are best kept hidden away in a dusty shelf only to be revisited by future descendants. Because revisiting your own stories create chaos and fantasy not intrigue.

September

Published on by Lavender27 Comments

More than half the year has gone by and yet I felt I’ve accomplished nada.

At least one burden has been emptied out (mostly).

I know better than to go where I should not.

For the times I’ve been tempted to do so, I stopped myself.

It helps me to move on from the past.

Although I am still deeply broken and vulnerable, I have stopped caring.

I no longer care who, what, when, where and why.

The closure I wished to have; are answered in my dreams.

Indifference is the magical state I wish to be.

The state where you once wrote was the worse lot in life.

This is the state I WILL be at (eventually).

Reaching Deep into My Subconscious 

Published on by Lavender20 Comments

Dreams: 

Not sure what prompted me but I was carrying a flip phone. I turned it on and after a few tries I see the message from her. She’s found out about me and has found a creative way to correspond with me. There’s a photo of dirty laundry, towels, undergarments. I notice the waistbands of the woman’s undergarments have words written. She talked about her life, what she had to put up with. The photographs were a glimpse into her family life.

Next scene, I am at a friend’s house. She wants to sell her apartment and we are in discussion. I notice her laptop is the same as my son’s. I tell her that. She asks if I would like to stay watch a movie. She only has one pair of headphones. I ask if she has earphones; I see a light purple one her favorite color. I don’t know why but she insists on wearing heas phones instead of earphones because the sound would be better. 

Following scene, I am running in a hurry to catch a boat. I am almost out of breath, I manage to get on but I’m on the wrong side. The water is underneath my feet while I am holding on. I pray and hope I don’t drown. I glance over and see its a distance to get on the other side. 

–

All these weird dreams! Whatever is my subconscience thinking…
~Lavender

Your Enemy

Published on by Lavender5 Comments

Dream:

Someone is chasing me virtually sending anonymous messages where I reply as truthfully as I am able to.

Soon I figure out through a couple of emails, you’re using me as bait to track your enemy.

You tell me through email I have to continue so you will have “proof.” You say you no longer wish to extend the olive branch.

–

As Omtatjuan3 says, “This soon will pass.”

I love you, 😘 Part 4

Published on by LavenderLeave a comment

A love such as ours

Only blossoms within the rose garden

You take special care to trim the bushes

Pull out the weeds

Yet thorns still prickle

Absentmindly I glance down

Your affection stares straight past me

Your reflection tells me the past

Crystallized, blue tinted mason jar

Twisted grape vines and luscious  blueberries.

Stone paved pathways and rich woodland trails.

Past Memories

Published on by Lavender7 Comments

Dream:

I am at my former residence. No one is at home, the house is vastly different in real life. In this dream, it’s a huge old house with many rooms and straight staircases both inside and out. I walk up the stairs and find the back door open. I quickly shut the door, closing all the locks. The multi-colored door curtains are flowing freely with the fresh breeze.

I hear a siren. The cops have arrived and I believe its due to the loud shutting of the back door. I hurry down the stairs, slowly open the front door and raise my hands up, surrendering.

The scene switches over to a gathering of people. One woman said she was a writer/journalist and knew the original owners of the house. She was adamant about knowing the people who lived in this particular house….

Changes again to a nice, small boutique. On the display table, there is pair of purple crochet bejeweled hand mittens. Each square purple gem was sewed onto the finger tips. The mittens are crocheted in a spiderweb type pattern and they are see through. My daughter purchases the bejeweled ballet flats. The jewels are clear and attached to the back side of the shoe.

Dream jumps again.

At the spa, there is a woman who is there for a rejuvenation facial. I do not recognize her. She walked right past me, turned and I saw her face. She was as pale as a ghost. On the right side of her face, there was a distinct line which is raised up like a scar.

~

I know my dreams are kinda wacky but it helps me to analyze them on a conscious level.

~Lavender