Tag: rant

Streaked Grey-Azure Horizons

Published on by Lavender2 Comments

Cloud streaked deep blue grey skies
Cover skyscrapers in the horizon.

This is my view afforded each morning during my commute to work.

Each time I see the view I am reminded over again I need to take a DSLR camera and take that magnificent skyline.

However, my camera is broken and I’ve yet to fix or replaced it.

It’s certainly a tough job being a public service worker. You understand in your heart, you are servicing the people who are in need of your services. Yet you also know and think something must have happened in their life to lead them to their dire circumstances.

You can’t help but think if only, if only they had it within their willpower, their strength. Yet the very thing I’m thinking of, I’m actually referring to is myself.

If I only did this, did that, we’ll that most certainly would never happen.

It’s useless crying over spilled milk, I’ve only begun to accept this as fact.

Expending my energy towards work I have no passion for only burns me up. Yet I’ve started to notice my current life circumstances are a continuous line which leads into my work.

It also seems as if im doomed to a life of repentance. I absolutely refuse to believe my existence as a woman is the sole sexual object of a man’s desire. Obviously, it’s nice to think and accept you’re attractive to the male species. It’s the unwarranted advances and continuous objections that flat out wear you down. The cycle continues on and on. You realize it will never stop. Yet you are trying to figure out what you life’s mission is.

Each day my mind is set on working to the best of my ability. Rinse, dry, repeat. I want so much to just leave. I’ve tried so many times. Mentally I’ve left for the past 6 years, physically I’m still here.

It’s not easy certainly. Yet it’s not impossible I understand. Sometimes I feel every I take 1 step forward, I fall 2 steps back.

The vulnerability I feel deeply at times, I burst into tears. The tears wet the corners of my eyes falling onto my cheeks. I’m crying for the hurt I’ve encountered, the pain I’ve endured, the struggle I’m still trying to overcome, the loneliness in companionship, my infrequent attempts at finding my own inner strength and passion.

Freedom of Speech

Published on by Lavender16 Comments

First Amendment to the United States Constitution, regarding freedom of speech, freedom of the press, religious freedom, freedom of assembly, and right to petition. Also used to describe related legal cases and issues (e.g. “first amendment argument”).

Warning: This is a vent. 

I’ve always thought of myself as a friendly person at times, sometimes humorous. Apparently, I was given a lesson today. 

I learned that sometimes people cannot or do not want to “take” a joke. I don’t take myself seriously. If I did, I would have been fired by now. Or just walked out. 

The past few months have been traumatizing for me. I lost my promotion, friendship, self esteem. 

You know what got me through? A sense of humor. I couldn’t tell you how many days, hours, nights I spent depressed, seeped into a mindless labyrinth of rumination. 

My mind was warped and couldn’t understand and accept my reality. The waiting game turned into the reappearing/disappearance game. 

– 

Back to my issue, my lesson here is not everyone can take “jokes.” She thought I made jokes at her suspense. She’s thinking I have the “1st Amendment right.” 

Everyone that knows me thinks of me as the most kindness, generous person. (Who sometimes crack jokes.) But no anymore I won’t. Not at the expense of being reported to HR..

From now on, I’ll make jokes here to my friends..
~Lavender