because reading books is too mainstream

Dear Blog,



It kinda blows when you try to be nice to someone, but instead they treat you like crap. Makes me realize that some people really, really suck in this world.

But why do I care? Why do I even feel this way? I mean, it's not like I wanted anything in return. Is having a nice, friendly friendship asking for too much?

Did I not receive the "Modern Day Friendship" rule book by mistake?

What I hate the most is that I care too much about what other people think. I have this curse where I am able to put myself in other people's shoes and am able to predict their thoughts or actions and even feel their emotions. So, most of the time I would like to prevent anyone from feeling any kind of pain or hurt.

Taking care of other people's feelings is messy business, coz I can feel what they're feeling and kinda know what they're thinking of...sometimes, not always...and to have that ability I am sometimes dumbfounded, not knowing what to do or how to react.

You can totally read people by their facial expressions and body language. Not to mention eye contact and voice projections. No, I did not learn this from that show 'Lie To Me', more like...born with this 'gift'.

When I'm in a group of people...you know, just hanging out... you shouldn't wonder why sometimes I keep quiet and listen. What you should be wondering about is what it is I'm thinking of and who it is that I'm reading.

Because silently...I am reading you. Just by looking and listening to you, I can pretty much guess what kinda person you are.

You can call me judgemental, coz superficially that's what this is...I'm 'judging' you. But, no...I don't criticize. Wow, is there even a difference? Whatever. I call it reading people.

So what does one do with this sorta 'super power'?

I stay away from people. As far away as possible. Coz it is mentally exhausting. And people most often mistaken you for a very judgemental person.

It's just as bad as having their thoughts project into your own thoughts, having to hear many voices at one time. It's just as bad as you having so many mixed up feelings all jumbled up inside of you, leaving you all confused.

.so, which X-Men am I? l e n a.

dodge this

Dear Blog,

I am such a picky person when it comes to finding that 'right' guy. So, I told myself "let's just leave it to Mommy. She'll help me out while I go about my business".

It's so much easier that way. And the best part about this arrangement is, I wouldn't really have to worry about getting the family's approval since he'd have to go through all that 'filtration' process before anything real happens.

Last weekend, Mommy bumped into our old neighbour (from our house in SS18, which was ages, ages ago!). And she was saying how hard it was for her son (who is now 31 years old) to settle down because nowadays most girls (in the city of course) just wanna have fun and not wanting to tie the knot yet.

So the nuts and bolts were cranking, and Mommy had this brilliant idea to set both her son and I up. She seems excited, and I really don't mind coz my social circle pretty much shrunk lately.

Mommy has yet to contact the lady, but wants to get to know the mom first and sorta dig-up on their family background before doing anything really...which is good. You do yo thang momsies! :)

Anyway, I still haven't received that induction letter yet. Mael, a friend from Manipal-Melaka college will be going to his next week. Too bad, thought it would be interesting if we got the same time. Oh well, hope he gets the hospital he wanted :) Good Luck dude!

I recently finished Max Payne 3, which is like one of my must-do things before I start work and I must say...I really, really loved the game. Even though Rockstar got rid of that film noir feel that I so loved (and the comic strip. God, why didn't they keep that??) I really enjoyed it.

No, it was not dark and snowy. It was hot, sunny and sweaty. I guess they wanted Max lovers to experience something different since it had been 9 years after the fall of Max Payne. They wanted to portray an older, haggard, messed-up ex-cop who lost EVERYTHING and resulted to drugs and alcohol. The graphics were nice and to be expected by Rockstar games if you've played LA Noire, RDR and GTA. Not quite MGS4 but it's a great improvement from the first Max Payne where everyone had boxes as heads and a very constipated lead character. It's too bad Mona Sax got killed in the second game, it would've been nice to have her around for Max to finally get that happy ending.

But, it wouldn't have been a film noir love story if she lived back then.

In this third game, you can actually see and feel Max as an old man, and kinda feel his pain too because he had, as he had mentioned in the game, "lost his loves"...plural, not singular. It sucks that he had to become a 'bodyguard' to some rich family in Sao Paolo, but the killings still remained. I didn't like him shaving his head bald (because I love his hair, which is now glistened by a few strands of gray), but again...Rockstar wanting something different. I also liked the idea of how he changes his clothes after a few chapters and how his clothings would be drenched in sweat towards the end of a few stages. I love the golden guns, made the guns look more sexy. The fluidity in Max's movements are better as compared to the previous ones but there were glitches here and there because Maxy's too old now he can't even JUMP! gahhh! It also sucked that we're unable to throw grenades and molotov cocktails in the storymode.

I've played the Multiplayer and it was great fun! It's awesome that you can shootdodge and go bullet-time while other players are also in real time. How the game and server syncs all the players at that exact moment is very, very cool.

The control setting is different though. Why is the shoot button R2 and not R1? That kinda needed a few rounds of gameplay to get used to. But, it's a small matter really. If you're a gamer, you'll be able to get used to all kinds of different control settings.

In a nutshell, I feel bad that this game didn't get it's much deserved audience because it was released after the much anticipated Diablo III. But, who knows, people might get around to playing it after awhile.

Two thumbs up! :) l e n a.

that chance encounter

Dear Blog,



I've always imagined myself meeting a guy at a coffee shop. Both he and I have had always been to the same place but never really noticed each other until one day, he approaches me and says hello. The thing that triggered his interest would be the book I was reading, nothing specific...just a book he had read years ago and I happened to stumble upon it then.

Romantic, no? Well, prolly not really romantic but not even a Malay guy can pull this off. Why? Because they've got egos the size of Mount Everest, and they've got guts (or nuts, you decide) the size of a peanut. And...most of them don't read books/novels. So, a bit far fetch I might say for the population of this side of the world. Nonetheless, a dream is only a dream...one cannot confuse with reality.

So when a guy approaches me on a certain blue-white, socializing network and starts to ask me out without even getting to know me first...I find it disappointing yet amusing. Hiding behind the virtual world? What folly is this?

This is definitely not the way to win a girl's heart.

I do give him credit for being brave enough to approach the virtual me, God knows guys only approach girls with vain, duck-faced profile pictures. But, would he have dared to approach the real me? Lol, most guys would not of course. I intimidate guys, I get that a lot. That's because most Malay guys are easy to scare. So if you're afraid of me or the things I can do, you certainly do not deserve me. Only the bravest shall succeed Ha Ha.

Anyway, so this guy befriended me and we started to chat. I don't know what gave him the impression that I was "oh-so interesting" he suddenly out of nowhere asked to have dinner with me. I was like, dude, we only chatted for a few minutes and you're already asking me out? Of course I turned him down, in a nice way...I hoped. The conversation got even more awkward towards the end. I just had to say good bye afterwards. Poor guy.

He's an architect by the way. I don't know why I seem to be attracting architects. Knowing this little information reminded me about a guy I used to date. He was great fun. Introduced me to alotta different places to eat. We shared mutual interests in sports, music and food. He was such a smart guy and I loved how well he could play the keyboard and he told me how he was attracted to my all-roundedness, sense of humour and...good intuition? Whatever that was. Another thing we shared? A bad temper. We fought as much as we had fun. So, in the end, we aren't even friends anymore. How sad, eyh? Owh well, some things are just not meant to be.

So, bottom-line is...guys think girls are complicated? Yes, we are :) And I applaud those who are able to figure us out coz even we don't know what it is we want most of the time.

.l e n a, over and out!.

the thing they call trust

Dear Blog,

“Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble." - Mikael Blomkvist

Here are my 2 cents about you. I respected you, and I trusted you. Now I realized, it was never mutual. I don't know what it is about me that appals you so. But know this, every relationship has it's geometry. Mine, was a very small circle. You were once in that circle. Now, refer to the map at the information centre coz I think you're lost. Look for "you're here!" on my map coz you're currently nowhere near the circle. In fact, you're so off-target I think I'm taking you off the grid completely.

The best part is, I'ma be a bitching hypocrite about it and be all nice to you still so no one will ever find out who you really are. Since you can do that to me, well, I guess...like the saying goes, "if you can't beat 'em...you join 'em". In this case however, I would really love to BEAT the crap out of you first, then I'd join you...bitch.

All i've ever been was nice to you. I guess that's not what people look for in "friends" anymore. Nope, nowadays, you gotta call each other "bitches", be so fake with all that "i miss you", "love you" and shit.

So, trust? friends? These are just stupid words that mean jack shit!

Family is what matters. Family is all I got then, now and forever. Kalau ada yang terasa tu, sorry...I could be talking about you...or...you actually did this to me for you to even think that I'm talking about you...perasan. Coz F all of you.

Gila lah. My whole friggin' life had been based on occasional, stupid, fruitless "friendships"...why did I think it would have been any different?

Some of you may think, "gila loner budak ni". So F-ing what? People come and go, I'll just make new "friends".

I hate people. I hate socializing. I hate dating.

I just wanna live in a world with my family and...cats! Coz, God, I love cats.

Pergi mampussssss!

ftw

Dear Blog,

I have a short fuse. So when I say I don't give a shit, it means you can F off. And when I say I don't like your attitude, it means I think you're a horrible person and you deserve to die. And when I don't speak to you, it means I hate you, your voice and your face annoys me.

Comprende?

There are alotta ungrateful son-of-a-b*tches in this world. And to have this type of people in my life really, really brings out the worst in me.

I feel like ignoring you completely. That would make me feel soooooo much better.

i am hem

Dear Blog,

As the days go by, I have had alotta time for myself...I have been thinking a lot about the past, present and future. About family, friends and the career I am about to dive into.

I am currently 24 years old, and if I were the old secondary school me I would totally comment that I am "tuanya!". But the truth is, age is nothing but numbers. What defines your true age is experience, maturity, and attitude.

24 years have passed, and I still feel the same. In the real world, some, if not most of us, would have found somebody special and begin to settle down with him/her. Attitude-wise, to respect one another, both young and old, defines how one was raised and how one would raise their own. Maturity, how we face the problems and unforeseen circumstances that might sway our initial plan in life and the decisions we make.

24. A number after 23, a number before 25.

However, one of the effects of the age number I have seen would be the decreasing endurance and motivation of the body and mind. As years go by, we get more and more tired. I for one, realized this during my occasional jog. My body lacks the athleticism it once harboured and my mind is not as proficient as it used to be. Other than that, my love for food (once upon a time), they are nothing but stomach-stretchers. I have difficulty in deciding what to eat everyday and often result to those "makanan orang bujang" (maggi, bread, cereal). Prolly because I am tired of deciding what to eat everyday. Something as simple as bread, or something as exclusive as a steak at Tony Romas? Well, money could be one of the main factors as well. My theory, the dynamics of money and gastric size are proportionate to one another. The smaller the wallet, the smaller the stomach. So, my wallet's almost always empty...and...well, i'll let you figure out what my stomach's like yourselves.

In life, yeah, there are ups and downs...but people often forget the plateau phase we go through. This plateau phase is what I call...the comfort zone. You can apply this in relationships, attitude, infections or whatever. I am sure all of you know how to apply this to relationships, and those in the medical field would definitely know what it is like in terms of infection. Attitude...is when we are not willing to change. Despite being told to change, or going through experiences that warrant us to change...being in the comfort zone means...not wanting to change, or the excuse we often use...being unable to change. Humans are wonderful creatures, and God has given them a brain to perceive, interpret and react internally and to their surroundings.

To initiate change is hard, but once initiated, you will find the wonders and perks about experiencing something new or seeing things differently. A very good book I've read recently was given to me from my brother-like cousin, "Who Moved My Cheese?". When I read it, initially I felt that the book was too simple, like a child's nursery rhyme or a bedtime story even. But, that's just it. I only READ it. I did not INTERNALIZE it. After, finishing the book, it took me awhile to actually apply it. And surprisingly, it did change me. If something does not go according to plan...at the back of my mind, I tell myself "someone moved my cheese". To those whom have read the book, you know what I'm talking about. I recommend it to the rest :)

by Dr Spencer Johnson



Anyway, so back to the whole point of my entry.

Why do I still feel the same?

It is because I have not changed.

Why have I not changed?

Because I do not want to change?

Why do I not want to change?

.Fear.

To Yearn and To Earn

Dear Blog,

Happy Birthday! Yeah, keep forgetting that I actually share my birth date with my twin lol. But, we are 2 very different beings. For instance, I am right now at home enjoying my anti-social life whereas she is now hanging out with her friends BBQ-ing and Karaoke-ing at one of their houses.

It's been awhile since my last entry (I keep saying this, don't I?). I have no more muse. I get writers' block often and always decide to not write and for that, I'm sorry.

Let's see.

Hmmmm...Alhamdulillah, He gave me many presents this year :

1. For my family to be around for my birthday

2. For giving me an opportunity to have Arwah Tok Mum in my dreams during those tough times

3. For letting my friends and I pass our final exam (though my thoughts and prayers are with my 14 other friends. be strong. i know you guys can do it!)

Those are just some of the things I can dig up superficially, but I am very grateful to Him for He is the Most Gracious and Giving.

Thank you to Mommy, for treating me to a very expensive meal at Coffee Bean as a graduation present. I loved the Smoked Salmon sandwich and Pure Vanilla!

Thank you to Tok Wan, Mommy, the siblings and Shafiq for treating us to the Secret Recipe lunch and mouthwatering desserts at Swensen's for our birthday. AND the very awesome Nike Shoes that I sooooo enjoyed using. So light, felt like wearing nothing but feet haha. Now I can practice my smashes for badminton heheh. My Power running shoes were loooong overdue, when it rains I can actually feel water seeping in because of them damn holes on 'em soles, lol.

And thank you Ridzy for the delicious cakes from Dr. Cafe! They sure were expensive, you didn't have to but thank you nonetheless.

Finally, thank you to everyone who wished us on our birthday! What is life without family and friends? As anti-social as I am, I do know how to appreciate the people in my life (...sometimes...)

.love my family to bits, l e n a.

as vivid as it gets

Dear Blog,

I was afraid I might forget how she would look like. It's been so long since she left, with only pictures and memories to reflect upon.


But, I dreamed of you last night. I felt both emotions of joy and sorrow, for in that dream, I did not know I was in deep slumber. It felt so real. And it had been so long since any of us had a dream about you.

You did not speak nor did you reply when I asked you questions. You were just there, with Tok Wan, looking oh-so happy. I only vaguely remember what happened in the dream, but all I know is when you did not say anything, I knew something was wrong. And in that dream, I cried.

Then, I was awaken by the sound of my alarm clock *5.30am*

I opened my eyes, and real tears came out...gushing like nobody's business.

Rindunya Tok Mum. We wished you were there with us to celebrate Intan and Shafiq's wedding *great, now i'm in tears. bongok betul*


Mommy said both she and Mak Lang were talking about Tok Mum the night I got the dream. Coincidence?

I pray that you're ok and that you're happy, wherever you are. Always.

.Love you. l e n a.

walk the walk

Dear Blog,

For the past 5 years, I have been called a medical student. And years before that, I have always been 'a' student.

Our finals is getting owh-so-near. Usually when my colleagues start counting the days, the reactions I gave were..."what?" or "heh?" and the occasional "owh...shit".

But when a friend of mine actually said "51 days til professionals", I sucked in all the air around me I could muster til my lungs couldn't take it anymore.

51? Really? (btw, starting today it's 49)

So, I did what every normal human being does when reality bites him/her in the ass.

I cried.

But the tears were welled up inside for weeks, trying to get out, trying to find it's trigger...the right moment to erupt like a volcano it has learned to become.

I was finally able to cry when I had a talk with the Dancing Doc.

And right after, I was able to think, I was able to see, and InsyaAllah I will be able to do what I am supposed to do.

It's time Farah, time to use your 5 years of knowledge cause it's almost the end of your Student-life. You will have to work sooner or later. And know that mistakes are unforgivable, not when it's a matter of life and death. You're almost at the finishing-line. You can hear the crowd cheering for you, though none visible yet. You should start feeling the adrenaline rush now or even later if it's not there yet.

Just know...

You NEED that adrenaline rush to finish the race. Cause I know that you are tired, we all are. That's why you have to push yourself with every ounce of energy you've got left in that body of yours.

.you've talk the talk, it's time to...(refer the title of this blog) XD l e n a.

not alarmed by this alarm

Dear Blog,

I have no trouble waking up from slumber coz I'm a light sleeper. But to those of you whom are able to sleep through a bomb explosion or even an earthquake...I suggest you find this kind of alarm clock :



(picture obtained by a friend from FB)

Hmmm...I don't know about you, but I might end up throwing this thing at the nearest wall ^_^
(unless it's an app from an iPad or any Apple product, I would have to refrain myself from doing so)

But an innovative idea nonetheless. Kudos! l e n a.

medic schmedic

Dear Blog,

When your boss/specialist adds you on FB or Twitter...

...aw-kward.

I'm sorry, but I really mind my privacy. Medic life is medic life. Outside, there's nothing 'medical' about it.



.apologies, l e n a.

i smell greenery

Dear Blog,

I was able to eat rice for lunch today, thanks to my dad for the extra financial support. It's been awhile since i had a heavy lunch. It had been bread, crackers + jam and cereal for the past few weeks.

Alhamdulillah.

.thanks daddy! ^_^ l e n a.

the guy in the green uniform

Dear Blog,

Just when the day felt like it can't get any worse, guess what? It can get worse.

I was actually being followed by a PK (Penolong..something? Ward Assistant?) I don't know. But they're the ones in green in HUKM.

It all happened so fast, I still can't believe what really went on.

It started like this:

I was coming down the elevator from the 8th floor where the Internal Medicine Department is situated. I was accompanied by a Matron and a few Head Nurses, going down. Slowly, one by one everyone went to their respective floors, so I was left alone. Then, a PK in the green uniform with a backpack entered the elevator. This didn't alarm me of course, everyone uses the elevator. I've never been afraid of being in an elevator alone with a man before coz it never crossed my mind that ANYTHING could or would happen.

So, this guy was standing beside me and even though I was staring at the elevator door I could "feel" his eyes looking at me.

Then, he started to create a conversation with me.

PK : Balik?
Me : Mm-hmm.
PK : Balik mana? Rumah?
Me : Owh tak, balik kampus.

*ting* and the elevator door slid open.

A swarm of human beings started for the elevator as I was making my way out. I didn't even realize I was being followed at first.

So, on the way, I passed the emergency department. He walked behind me at first, then he started to walk beside me. And, I tried changing my pace to fast, slow, fast and slow again. He mimicked my every move. When I went in between 2 parked motorcycles, he too squeezed between them (padahal, the friggin road besar gila kot! nak jugak menyempit kat celah2 tuh). I did that intentionally of course, to see if I really was being followed.

I usually use the back way (behind TopSpot cafe) to get to my dorm coz it's nearer and faster (and it's got a steep hill that's good for my thighs) but that way's very, very, secluded. So, I had to think fast and chose the long BUT safer route (the Academic Building route), the route where people are always walking to and fro the car park and the hospital.

On the way, a lady PK was walking by and asked him "balik?" and he answered "ye". At the back of my mind I thought, "ok, so he is a legit PK staff coz that lady PK talked to him as though she knew him".

So, maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe he parked his car at the car park near our dorm. I don't know.

No. I was NOT paranoid.

While he was walking beside me, following my pace he asked,

PK : Awak orang mana?
Me : errr...uh.....Selangor.
PK : Owh Selangor. Selangor mana?
Me : owhh adalah. Sana, sini. Saya selalu pindah-pindah. (no way in hell would I tell him where I live)
PK : yelah, saya tau lah dekat Selangor. Saya pun orang Selangor. (he started to sound angry)

so to cool both me and him down, i started to keep his mind busy.

Me : Selangor mana?
PK : Bandar Baru Bangi
Me : Owh
PK : Awak dari mana? (already irritated)
Me : (to save my neck, I answered...) KJ, Subang, Shah Alam. Sana sini. Saya pindah-pindah.
PK :Owh, banyak tempat tu.

Shit got quiet.

PK : Apa nama awak?
Me : errr...nama?
PK : ye
Me : errrr...ummmm...Farah
PK : Owh, Farah. Nama Saya..................(i don't remember his name. didn't even care to listen. i just wanted to run away)

He started to take his phone out and asked

PK : nak number awak.
Me: huh? number saya?
PK : ye number awak.
Me : Owh, saya tak bagi number saya dekat orang
PK : alah, number je
Me : tapi saya memang tak bagi number saya dekat orang.
PK : bagi je, nanti saya bagi balik
Me : saya tak bagi number kat orang
PK : bagi jelah
Me : errrr...nak pergi mana ni? (tried to get him off track)
PK : Owh, saya nak...pergi ambik...kasut dekat....pentadbiran

(wtf? kasut? pentadbiran?? this is a campus.)

Me : pentadbiran? mana? bukan kat hospital ke?
PK : owh, tak saya guna jalan ni sebab lagi dekat. (my ass lah lagi dekat. you just made one frickin round from the hospital)
Me : owh

by that time, I was near Mak Yong already (our campus cafe). I quickly went up the hill towards the cafe not wanting to lead him to my dorm block which was only a few meters away. He went straight to "only-God-knows-where".

And that was the last I saw of him...I hope.

I hung around the cafe for a bit, hoping he would get bored waiting...IF he was waiting outside. When I left the cafe, I made sure I looked left, right, scan the whole area for any "freak in green" and proceeded to my block.

What the hell was he doing on our students' campus? If there were a "pentadbiran" it would've been at the floor below Mak Yong, and he didn't even go there.

All the while, I had palpitations, and I was sweating profusely beneath my white coat (and it was definitely not the sun) and my imaginations were not helping for I imagined he had a knife in his bag and that he was going to stab me in the back. So, in a way, I was glad he walked beside me so I could monitor his every move.

You know what else was freaky? I got a weird vibe from him. I felt like he wasn't right in the head. Not to the level of retardation, but it was just....something. I don't know how to explain. The way he talked, and especially the way he looked at me...it was not normal.

Well, that's the end of my "exciting" story for today. You can either believe me or you don't. I don't give a damn, but this really happened and I cannot tell you how freakishly scared I was at that moment. Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say and what to answer his questions with. And kebetulan, not alotta people were walking by. It was just me, him and the empty road. Anything could've happened, and Alhamdulillah, nothing happened.

.ladies, watch out. l e n a.