First I want to say sorry to all my followers that I pretty much fell of the face of the blogging planet.  I was still here but I think I was trying to stay involved in my “nonocd” life.  I kept so very busy in “normal” everyday life (working, taking classes, complaining about not having time to do what I want, cooking dinner (sometimes…lol), etc.) that I “almost” felt “normal”.  Feeling normal doesn’t just mean that I felt like I fit in, but for me it means the majority of my life/activities is on the outside of my brain “doing” things.  When OCD/Anxiety/Depression comes back in I feel enveloped/trapped back in my own mind. It almost feels as if during “normal” periods my brain functions at a surface level, I go about everyday life, think about things in the current time frame, get things done that is needed in that time frame. Nothing feels SO IMMINENT that i get it done right away which means I also slip at taking care of myself correctly.  I do take me medication but I slip at staying on top of taking my vitamins, supplements.  I know they help me and I have even been instructed by my psychiatrist that I need these vitamins (vitamin D, and Fish Oil). But life being busy as it is..I forget..and it doesn’t’ feel crushingly important.  In fact, in my ‘normal” medicated times nothing really feels crushingly important.

At my “non-normal” (OCD, anxiety, Depression) times so many things are going on in my brain, so many feelings are racking my body, everything feels immensely important. I have many of what I call “thought bursts” some good, some neutral, some unpleasant.  It feels hard to think in a proper line.  I am going in one way and something pops up and I follow that line of thinking, then something else pops up in the middle of that so I follow that line of thinking.  Never really getting anywhere.. no conclusion.  If I get to a conclusion on something I then find 15 other reasons for that to not be the conclusion to the issue and then follow those 15 reasons and their subsequent bursts and come to another different conclusion.  Then I am confused and scared because I have two different conclusions with equally good arguments as to why each conclusion should be the end of the story. Once in the heat of an argument my husband called me “very fickle”…while it was not a cutting or horrible remark it has stuck with me and hurts to know that is the way I appear to others. I am not upset at him for the statement because it is probably an accurate assessment of how I sound and look to the outside world.  I can’t make my mind up… I swing towards one decision and then look at the other side and decide to swing there and then say no maybe the first was the “best” go back to the first and the question again.  I “know” it is ridiculous… I guess it is that constant looking for “perfection” and “what feels right” and I can’t find it so I keep looking.****Wow Moment…writing does really help me see somethings in myself from a different light…perfection and feels right OCD is back at it****

You might wonder where am I in my life? What am trying to figure out? Well long story short…I am in school full time for a health related career.  My basis for choosing to enter school for this particular subject was once I got all my prerequisites done I could take a program that would only take 2 years and graduate with a degree in something that I could do PRN (as needed) and make enough money to take the pressure off my husband who works extremely hard and multiple jobs.  It would have allowed me to theoretically only work a few days a week and be home with my kids…or just doing something that made me happy and feel good.  This subject is not something that I felt I would love to do but I thought I would love the end results of making good money, working in the healthcare industry with my husband, and having some freedom with my scheduling.  However,  I am now in this school program (after a few years of working full-time while taking pre-requisites) and my OCD/Anxiety/Depression has all ramped up to becoming an intolerable level.  I feel like this profession is not for me and I want to quit the program because of multiple reasons. 1. I have always been anxious in a hospital setting 2. Working with sick people is depressing (and I have depression problems) 3. Spending my whole day dealing with people’s health in a move them in and move them out type of way adds no meaning to my life. (I also deal with Health obsessions so I begin to worry about their problem and I enjoy people, so not making meaningful encounters with people bothers me) 4. I want to do something that makes me happy, important, and useful.  5. I want to do something that inspires me.  6. I want to be around people that are generally happy (do you see most people going to have a medical procedure done as happy) 7. I want to do something that feels like me… not something that I feel like I am “trying” to see the positives so that I can make it through to get my “perfect” end result of working less, having more money, and time.  8. I feel like my mental health is slipping in the wrong direction and I need to quit and make myself a priority again.

My reasons for wanting to stay in the program are: 1. I worked SO hard to get into it. 2. I’m not a quitter, I’m a fighter 3. I don’t want to prove anyone right that thought because of my OCD I couldn’t do it. 4. I want to make my husband and kids proud of me 5. I want my husband to not work so hard and be home with me more. 6. I’m very competitive and I feel like if I quit I am weak and everyone is better than me. 7. I am SCARED of the horrible things my mind will tell me and I will be prone to believe…you are weak, you are a quitter, you are worthless, you messed everything up, it’s all your fault you can’t have what you want, you wasted time in the years you took those prerequisites that you could have been spending time with your family and kids that you can never get back, you are a burden to people especially your husband, you have messed everything up AGAIN, you will never be strong enough to do something without ocd/anxiety/depression, you are a great big liar you said you would do something and now you are backing out of it, everyone is looking at you and talking about you, why can’t you women-up and just do it, you can’t handle not having a big goal to keep you getting up and out of bed, if you give up on this your depression will completely suck you to the bottom of the barrel and your kids will have to see you institutionalized. (I guess to be honest my mind is already telling me all these things and more, but I feel like I can tell them I am proving them wrong by forcing myself to continue even though I really don’t want to)

I ended up in the Emergency Department yesterday because of gallbladder spasms due to stress and basically a large panic attack. There is no more denying I need help AGAIN. I hate it… I hate feeling helpless… I hate feeling like I have to depend on others….I hate being the source of others pain (watching me this way)… I hate that I can’t be who I want to be… I HATE OCD/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION!!!!