Mountain Musings of a Lunatic Chick

In addition to the anxiety attacks, I’m now experiencing heart arrhythmia when I exercise and I’ve become pre-diabetic as well. All of these things have their roots in stress. Thinking about the possible health consequences of all of these things, just stresses me out more.  I’ve been thinking “How do I deal with this? Something’s gotta give. My current practices aren’t working for me. What do I need to change?”

In thinking back to doing a “Perfect Day” exercise, I wonder “what if I did the exercise again? This time from the perspective of how I feel during that day, instead of what I have and what I do”. So here goes!

Every morning I wake up feeling rested and happy, looking forward to a new day. This is because I‘m part of a community of people as dedicated to opening their hearts, serving others and helping alleviate suffering as I am. I feel safe, loved, appreciated, and supported.

My surroundings are filled with natural beauty, helping me feel grateful for all that I have – which is enough to meet my needs and my most important wants. I feel excited about working with others on projects intended to help bring peace and beauty to others. I know I will be encouraged in my efforts to make peace within myself and walk a path contentment and harmony. I have time for solitude and reflection as well as time for personal projects and socializing.

My days are filled with laughter, creative energy and harmonious relationships. I fall asleep at night at peace with myself as well as with the world at large.

Writing this leaves me feeling peaceful – as if I’ve finally got it right.

At least for a while.

When infused with happiness and energy on a blue-grey stormy morning, then I know – I’m making real progress. Progress in being aware of the influence my thoughts have on how I feel. Progress in learning to change those thoughts when they sabotage my mood. Progress with understanding why spiritual journeys must be undertaken alone. And maybe a glimmer of insight into the Tao.

One cannot effectively help another until we deeply understand and know ourselves. Why? Because we need the awareness of our own experiences and how they influence how we see and respond to the world and the people in it, in order to understand how the actions and feelings of others arise from those same sources. We will also be far less reactive to what others say and do, so we can better act on reality and necessity rather than out of habit, emotion or ego needs. Making us better able to judge when we can be helpful, and not hurtful, and when things should be left alone and allowed to unfold without interference.  There’s a reason for the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” or “no good deed goes unpunished”, reacting to another’s suffering, without deep understanding, makes it likely we’ll hurt more than we help.

In understanding how much I have grown and changed, becoming less afraid and more able to feel joy in my life just as it is – all due to immense suffering, I understand how unhelpful and generally useless it is to try to help another person.  All we can do is listen and acknowledge the pain another is feeling. We each need our own special brand of suffering in order to feel the push toward growth. Short of being able to live inside of another’s head, we can’t possibly know what another is feeling and what experiences generated those feelings. It takes lots of time alone to figure these things out for ourselves. Even a supportive spouse will keep you from having the time alone necessary for deep spiritual growth because of their needs and desires.  Spiritual growth demands all your attention and focus all of the time – or at least as much as one is capable of giving.

I’m realizing that in getting to know myself I find my desire to spend large amounts of time with anyone else is declining. I like my own company, more than that of most other people. I still enjoy socializing, in fact I enjoy it more because I no longer feel the need to try to “help”, nor do I think that anything anyone says or does has anything to do with me. If someone says or does something that irritates me or strikes me as “wrong”, I remind myself that what they do is really none of my business. In learning to be more aware of my inner roommates voice I am able to avoid feeling annoyed (or at least nip it in the bud) and more able to enjoy the company of anyone, whether I agree with their way of seeing the world or not.

I’m starting to really understand the teachings that say, if you are with someone who is your everything, then you have a lot more spiritual growing to do. That it’s ego needs that fuel our desire for intimate relationships.  Once we know ourselves well, the ego no longer needs the things provided by others and we are able to feel deeply content and peaceful alone.

And so, here I am, just Feelin’ Groovy!   (It’s a lovely little earworm I’ve been singing all day).

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)

I have begun transcribing the tapes of the interviews with Native American Healers done in the 1980’s at the University of Arizona.  One is with Professor Phil Lane, aka Chief Phil Lane Jr, a member of the Dakota and  Chickasaw Nations.  The other is Dr J.T. Garrett, of the eastern band of Cherokees (he’s also part French and Irish).

I find their words utterly fascinating.  I wish I could share some of the wisdom, but since these words will be wending their way into a book of their own, I cannot.  I feel like the spirit work I’ve done so far, was all in the shallow end of the pool.  This new job has plunged me into the deep end where you not only can’t touch the bottom, you can’t even see it.  I expect to spend this winter hibernating with their words, hoping that if I soak in them long enough some few bits might just seep into my puny brain long enough to warm my soul.

No matter how often it happens, I’m still ever amazed at how quickly I’m led to the knowledge I’m looking for.  I now know why I was led to volunteer at the Literacy Center, even though it didn’t work out.  It was through the Literacy Center that I connected with Gail, who needs the help with getting these tapes transcribed, (she is losing her eye sight to macular degeneration, so will soon be unable to do much of this work).

I am one lucky Lunatic Chick.

Sunday morning – dark clouds billow up from behind the Mountain. It’s my designated day of leisure, to do only that which I’m moved to do, a day without plan or goal, or so I tell myself. My ingrained impulse to move and accomplish is hard to defeat for even a day. I run out to the Farmers Market downtown to pick up eggs, honey and whatever produce calls to me. The wind becomes a terror, so being outside doing much more than watering my garden isn’t appealing – a good thing, because otherwise I might be tempted to continue cleaning out my pond, a project I started yesterday – I’ve found it best to give myself a days’ rest between days of hard labor, but frequently don’t, with dire results.

I decide to catch up on some reading, then decide I may as well do some laundry at the same time, filling my need to multi-task. I put on a CD of classical guitar played by friends of mine, read an article in High Country News by one of my favorite writers, Craig Childs. He writes about his love affair with the Canyonlands, transporting me back to my trip last fall to

Just before the storm in Colorado

Comb Ridge. That trip has been on my mind as Comb Ridge called to me last week as I drove past where it first rises near Monument Valley. I took a quick trip to my property in Colorado, to empty the water collection tank there and see what was going on with the CO2 exploration. The private road in was filled with signs warning that explosives were in use, and lots of heavy equipment. The rain spirits were kind enough to visit as soon as I had camp set-up and a short walk-about done. They stuck around until the morning I left, ensuring no dynamite was used while I was there – though making the drive out exciting, nothing like slick mud coating all four tires to test driving skills.

Reading Craig’s article made me long for the Ridge and its fins, to feel the warmth from the sun drenched red rock seep into my skin as I lay flat on slick rock. I also felt envy of his talent for conveying his feelings for this landscape in writing. In reading his writing I feel not so strange, that there are others in this world who feel as deeply as I do for land and all things that live on it. I so wish I could write as poetically. And so here I am, writing instead of reading, while listening to the wind and waiting for the rain.

Since doing the “perfect day” exercise my life seems to have shifted gears considerably. I’ve been able to sustain the change in how I view my daily activities, from so many “have to do’s” to entire days filled with “want to do’s”. I feel like I’m cruising down the California coast on Highway 1, in a convertible on a sunny day!

My laundry room tile project.

I sleep through the night, every night, the weight I gained after my house flooded is dropping off relatively effortlessly, finally! Projects are slowly getting done – the tiling of my laundry room is finished, my small backyard pond is cleaned out and ready for winter, the big pond nearly ready for winter and the pegboard for my garage organization project is painted, though I may try stenciling flowers and butterflies on it before hanging. When I start to feel overwhelmed or frustrated, I take a deep breath and remember no one cares how long it takes to get these things done. I can stop and do something else more appealing any time I feel like it.

Such as this past Friday, when I found out, last-minute, that the Lake Havasu rock club was in Flag and going out to collect agate and petrified wood at Gray Mountain. I signed up to go and wound up driving. Now that turned out to be an exciting drive. The last time I was out that road it was washboardy, but otherwise a good road. Not so this time! I’m driving my Subaru and everyone else is in 4-wheel Jeeps and high clearance trucks. Lots of deep ruts and even deeper sand on the road. I was so scared I’d either break an axle jumping a rut or sink into the sand. But, with so many vehicles behind I couldn’t chicken out as there was no way of getting out. Thankfully we arrived at our rock collecting spot without incident. As I got out my bucket, I was surprised by several of the jeep drivers coming over to tell me how impressed they were with my driving skills. Guess they were worried they’d have to pull me out of the sand. (I had no idea I had “driving skills”).

Getting out turned out to be even more exciting. I wanted to follow a Jeep out, but Linda, my 80 yr old passenger, didn’t want to wait and kept saying, “you drove in OK, you can drive out OK”. So I relented and we left first. At the end of the last long stretch of deep sand was a foot high embankment. Going down a drop like that is pretty easy, especially since I drove off it, on the way in, from solid ground. So I didn’t remember it. When driving in sand you must keep your speed up so as not to sink, (but not go too fast and spin your wheels and then sink). So I’m going at a fairly fast clip and BOOM there’s the foot high embankment and no time to think and find a way around it. I told Linda, “Hang On!” and we went up and came down on top HARD, but in one piece. And now I know my Subaru can fly.  At the highway, the Jeep driver behind me stopped to say, “that’s why I wanted to follow you out”. (I do have an appt. this coming week to get the car’s alignment checked, probably ought to get my alignment checked too). Our rock club meeting was that night and Linda asked if I was going on this weekend’s trip, I said no, but have fun. She said, “my husband’s driving so it won’t be nearly as much fun as riding with you”. I can still feel the adrenaline rush – And a lesson learned – just cuz the road was fine last trip…

I also now have a project to work on this winter that I’m really excited about. I was contacted by a woman who needs help transcribing tapes of interviews with Native American healers made in the 1980’s at the University of Arizona. She is the former director of U of A’s Native American Center for Learning and is writing a book from these teachings.  This project will also include a children’s book of stories from one of the healers, which he is going to also illustrate. Just being privileged to hear, first hand, these interviews – WOW!

Today I feel like I’m snuggled into this awesome life of mine, as I would into a soft, warm blanket on a cool evening. I know it will change, but I’ve learned enough to be able to enjoy this luxurious feeling for as long as it lasts, while waiting for the rain.

After homework and chores with Katya are done, I make another tour of the gardens checking that all is well.  Winding up at the Wildlife Garden where I get comfortable and relax watching the birds come to the pond for one last drink before heading to their favorite evening roost. As the sun sinks lower, the bird chorus subsides as the crickets’ rises, eventually joined by a chorus of frogs. I watch the bats emerge, swooping and diving at insects with the swallows.  As the last light lingers, I say my evening prayers.

At 7:00 p.m. everyone, family, friends & guests, gather in our communal kitchen/dining area for dinner.  We rotate responsibility for dinner planning and prep weekly and everyone helps with clean-up afterwards.  Our menus always include lots of fresh, in season produce – or in winter frozen or canned from the previous summer, a main dish that’s healthy and made from fresh/homemade ingredients, for dessert we usually indulge in fruits and homemade cheese.

After dinner some head home while others stay and socialize, read, play board games, listen to music or watch a video – laughter reigns. (We do not have commercial television or radio available in our effort to provide a sanctuary away from the world for our guests.  Those living on the farm may choose to be connected in their own homes). Eventually, everyone heads for their own bed.  I climb into mine – tired to the bone – feeling happy and content, I fall asleep immediately and sleep soundly through the night – waking rested and looking forward to doing it all again.

If you’d like to do this exercise, click here.

Doing this exercise was quite enlightening!  I encourage all of my readers to make the time to do it for themselves – I think you’ll find it time well spent.  Where I began and where I ended up was interesting.  I started out simply answering each question, without connecting them – then realized how dis-jointed it all was.  I then started over, using the questions as guide posts, and simply wrote. 

My brother Steve and I have discussed our “fantasy” of having communal property and our families living together on that land.  Our fantasy included having space for others needing to heal, to live in as well.  However, this was not on my mind when I started the exercise, it simply came out on its own – revealing just how important this idea is to me.  Part of me started wishing we had this idea 20 years ago.  But, it took all the life experiences we’ve had up until now for us to arrive at this place where our spirit paths intersect.

Will we ever have the material where-with-all to make this fantasy a reality- who knows?  It makes me feel good just thinking about it. Steve and I agree that if it’s right for us, the means to make it happen will be provided.

Meantime, I realize now that many of the things I would do in my perfect day are things I do now.  I just need to stop thinking of so much as being “have to do’s” and start thinking of them as “want to do’s”.  Through this exercise I see clearly that I want to meditate, hike, work on my gardens and find recipes to make from fresh, in season ingredients, even if not completely obtained from my garden or locally produced.  I now have a far greater appreciation of how close my days are, or could be, to my ideal.  All I’m missing is the sharing with family and guests.  Perhaps now, with a clear and detailed vision, it will manifest for me.

This is the first part of my answer to the questions asked in Ben Greenfield’s blog about how a perfect typical day would be for me.  (I made a couple of false starts, but once I really spent some time thinking about it, I could feel exactly what this day would be like).

I awake before dawn, stretch and then follow my cats to the kitchen.  After feeding them, I head out onto my enclosed deck to meditate.  I finish my meditation just as a wee glow in the east hints at the rising of the sun.  I punch the brew button on my coffee maker and step outside to say my morning prayers.  If the weather is nice, I sip my coffee outside watching the sunrise, enjoying the chatter of the birds and tossing a few peanuts to the jays.

Once the sun is up and the jays are satisfied, I grab a piece of fruit, pull on my hiking boots and take off into the adjacent forest. Upon my return I do a few yoga stretches, play with my cats a bit, then join my siblings, nieces & nephew for breakfast in our communal outdoor patio.  My breakfast is plain greek yogurt, with honey and fresh berries mixed in – all either produced on our small farm or a neighboring one.

This farm is owned and operated by myself, two brothers, their wives, my sister and her young adopted daughter.  My brother’s kids are all grown and on their own, but spend as much time as they can on the farm as well.  We each have our own home here.  Mine resembles a Tree House, built on stilts, in the midst of Oak and Sycamore Trees.  It has a wrap-around deck, which is partially enclosed on the east side, so I can enjoy relaxing and watching the sunrise with the birds even during inclement weather. My bedroom has a huge sliding door that allows me to roll my bed out onto the deck and sleep under the stars, weather permitting.

My siblings and I work together raising chickens, goats, vegetables and fruit – enough to feed ourselves, sell at the farmers market and barter for things we need but don’t produce ourselves.  We also have several tiny guest houses (500 sq ft – 750 sq ft), which are available to anyone needing a sanctuary and time for healing or spiritual journeying.  In return for room and board guest help out on the farm in a capacity of their choosing.

Our common rooms include a library – filled with books on philosophy and religions as well as books that inspire and uplift the spirit, movies, music and board games; A room equipped for weight lifting and yoga; Another designed for meditation, and a huge communal kitchen.

Our grounds include many “theme” gardens in addition to the veggie garden.  One has a pond and is designed to attract wildlife, surrounded by native plants that birds use as well as a few bird feeders.  In another we grow herbs for cooking and healing.  Yet another is designed to attract pollinators such as bees, butterflies, moths and hummingbirds.  All of the gardens have nooks where people can sit and meditate or simply enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of the earth.  Our farm is surrounded by forest and there are paths leading from the farm into the forest for hiking or horseback riding.

At breakfast we discuss our priorities for the day and who will take responsibility for handling anything that’s come up outside of our regular chores.  My regular chores include checking on all of the gardens and making note of anything needing to be done in them – such as mulching, weeding, harvesting, etc.   If we have guests who have chosen to help with these chores, then I’ll talk with them and work out what they’ll be responsible for today.  If we have other visitors I’ll stop and chat with them as I do my chores.

Once the gardens are cared for, I’ll break for lunch – a bowl of homemade soup and perhaps a muffin or slice of sourdough bread on the side.  After lunch I take care of any paperwork or bookkeeping needing to be done – my cats are in their sunny spots on my desk doing supervisory duty and making sure I take frequent petting breaks.  Mid-afternoon my youngest niece gets home from school and we make ourselves a snack from whatever I harvested that morning, perhaps a peach or a bowl of berries.  Then we head to her house and see what her Mom is up to, then I help her get her homework done in time for her to do her chores before dinner – she takes care of the chickens and collects the eggs and puts them in cartons for selling at the farmers market.

Stay tuned – don’t touch that dial – part two will be posted soon 🙂

After writing my last post I thought it would be interesting to see if I can be more specific about the changes in my thinking that has brought greater happiness into my life.

The first thing that comes to mind is how my desire for companionship has changed. I’m probably thinking about this because I just came home from celebrating a friends’ retirement. Six of us drove to Winslow for dinner at La Posada, the best restaurant in N. Arizona, at least in our humble estimation. La Posada also has amazing gardens that are at their peak now. The fun we had, the oo’s and ah’s as we wandered the gardens, it felt so good to spend time with truly kindred spirits. Now as I sit here, on my deck, looking up at the huge silhouettes of the pines against the stunningly background of the Milky Way, I feel certain that friends like these are the only companions I want or need.

One of La Posada’s Gardens

I no longer feel the desire to have a full-time partner. I like having my house just the way I want it, with no one else to accommodate regularly. What a feeling of luxury it is to stretch out in any direction in my bed, to even sleep with my head at the foot of the bed – the better to see the stars through the window. Most nights I don’t even sleep in my bed, instead choosing to sleep under the stars on a cot on my deck. Not wishing I had a full-time lover or that I could somehow make things work full-time with either of the men I love with all my heart is a huge change in my thinking! Instead, when those thoughts come up, I focus on fully appreciating that I have two men that love me as much as I love them, in my life forever. That our relationships may not be conventional, but they work for us. I’m even slowly learning not to try to explain our relationships when acquaintances ask why I’m not married to one or the other.

Decoupage Table

I’m also getting pretty good at finding enthusiasm for my home and garden projects. Instead of dwelling on the frustration of not being physically able to work all day on a single project, I think about which three or four projects I can rotate between that don’t place the same demand on my body. I also give myself permission to not work on any of them if I’m not in the mood – no self-recrimination about all the things I could have gotten done, if I hadn’t spent the day watching it rain, or hiking out to see my rock clan, or on the phone catching up with a friend. When the habitual recriminations arise, I ask myself, who cares if those things ever get done? Do I care? If so, why? Certainly no one else cares! (Which takes me back to the wonderfulness of not sharing a home with someone else full-time). My agenda is mine alone and I can change it any time and in any way I want, and any consequences will be only mine as well.

When my inner roommate starts in on me about why I’m not out looking for something I can passionately throw myself into as a volunteer, I simply remember the effortless flight of my Golden Eagle and her message that whatever I do should be as effortless as her flight. My work on the gardens at Willow Bend is that effortless, as is planning the restoration of Leroux Springs. Both allow me to do what I enjoy without any time pressures or dealing with difficult people.

Sandhill Cranes at Bosque del Apache

It’s my best friend who is retiring, she and her husband moved to my side of town a year ago. So now the best part of being more aware of the rantings of my inner roommate is that I’ll be better able to just go out and play with her, and our other friends, and simply have fun. Truly a second childhood with the possibility of being so much better than the first. A childhood with less fear and more freedom. We’re already planning a girls trip to Albuquerque on the train, then renting a car to go visit Bosque del Apache!

Is my life getting better since I’ve started paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings and moved meditation time to the top of my priorities list?

It seems better, I’m feeling happier and more settled than I have in years. I’m getting pretty good at noticing when my thoughts turn to wishes and wants and letting them go as I become aware of them. I’ve been thinking about the fact that it is still all about ME! – despite my aspiration to help others in some way. I wonder if perhaps that’s the way it will always be, because if  I’m not fully aware of myself,  my motives, needs and desires then when I put someone else’s needs before my own there will always be unintended consequences, such as hurts and resentments caused by my unawareness of my own expectations. At least if I start from a place of knowing my own motives, then expectations are more likely to be realistic and, hopefully, out in the open, minimizing the potential for misunderstanding and the attendant negative energy they generate.

It seems to me that the better I know myself and how my life experiences have shaped who I am, the more compassion and understanding I will have for others, especially those who aren’t particularly self-aware. I feel I’m beginning to really like who I am. That I’m so unlike most of the people I know bothers me less, especially when I think of what I’d have to give up in order to fit in. There have been times when I’ve wished I hadn’t learned so much about the world, the environment, etc. I felt that ignorance was more blissful. Now I feel that I just needed to learn more…the things I’m learning now. Those other things no longer weigh me down but instead prompt me to become a better, more centered & grounded person. To be able to celebrate my ability to appreciate and thoroughly enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. That it may not exist fifty years from now is not for me to deal with. That people bring harm to one another and other living things is also not for me to resolve. The only way I can make the world better is by learning to live harmoniously, first with myself, then within my community – only doing those things that leave me feeling happy and satisfied. Making the world better by having one more better balanced human being in it, or one less person creating needless stress.  When I give I will be able to do so in a way that benefits all concerned.

Figuring out what those things are, now that’s a whole other issue. Perhaps the beginning of another petal of my Sunflower path. I recently ran across Ben Greenfields’ fitness blog while looking for information on exercises to strengthen my lower back. One of his recent blogs was titled, “The single most important exercise that will change your life forever”.  Now how could I not read about that! The article isn’t about physical exercise at all, but about figuring out how your ideal “normal” day would unfold. What would it look like? Feel like? Smell like? He recommends taking large blocks of time, in a place where you’re comfortable and free from distractions, and write out, long hand, the answers to a series of questions about how this ideal, typical day would be for you. To do this exercise and read the questions Ben posted click here.

I started doing this exercise this morning and plan to continue doing it every morning until I feel it’s brought me to a place where I’ve found out what my bliss looks, feels and smells like. I’ll post a blog about it when I’m done with this exercise. Ben invites people to post their answers on his website and I invite you to post yours as a comment on this blog.

I’ve been thinking about why I have a hard time letting go of “to do’s” and just doing whatever strikes my fancy at a given time.

Why can’t I get up, have my coffee and go, or stay; read, hike, pray or meditate? Instead I answer email, workout and if I remember, meditate and eat breakfast, (yes, I frequently forget to eat in the morning), water my garden, walk Lacey, shower, then run errands or work on one of my many projects. By mid-afternoon I’m mentally exhausted from constantly trying to figure out how to get done everything on my mental list of “to do’s”.

Washed out section of Schultz Pass Rd

Friday I dropped my list and just headed out into the forest with a daypack and snacks. My original plan was to hike out and visit my rock clan, as they had been calling to me for several days. As I meditated with them I thought about wanting to find a large patch of Vervain to meditate with. (Vervain seems to have been calling to me for a few years now. I noticed it on my first hikes into the Peaks. I knew immediately what it was, even though I had no recollection of ever having seen Vervain before. I felt such a strong connection with this plant that I began inviting it to come live in my yard every time I chanced on it somewhere. Directly after the flooding several patches of Vervain appeared in my yard). As I focused on Vervain, I heard, what I think, is it’s song. I sang the song over and over hoping to fix it in my head so I wouldn’t forget it.

View from my meditation spot

After finishing my meditation I ate my cheese and crackers, then started down the hill, intending to go home. But at the bottom I crossed a Forest Service road and decided to follow it up into the mountain for a while. I hadn’t gone far when I found myself surrounded by a huge patch of Vervain, and a few yards further another patch, and another patch a few yards beyond that one, and on and on…and soon the old tracks were covered and the road impassable other than on foot, due to deep water cuts and fallen burned trees. Just above me were seven unburned pines, the only unburned trees to be seen anywhere.

First big patch of Vervain

I sat with the Vervain for a long time, singing and praying, then reluctantly headed home, promising I’d return soon. Which is what prompted my thoughts about why I don’t hike up and spend time with the Vervain every day. Sure it’s a long hike, (seven miles round trip), but what else do I have to do that’s more important? I tell myself I want to find balance and harmony within myself and perhaps become a conduit for spiritual healing in others. If this is a true aspiration, then even spending all my time with Vervain and the mountain would be the right, and only thing, “TO DO”.

Close look at Vervain

“Held in high regard by many religions and ancient cultures, Vervain is considered a sacred herb and has often been associated with enchantment. Ancient Romans used Vervain to cleanse temples and altars and spread it about their homes and gardens to incur prosperity. Celtic Druids mixed Vervain with other sacred herbs to create a prophetic drink that allowed them clarity and the ability to commune with spirits.Vervain is also known as “Herb of the Cross” as it is believed by Christians that it helped stop Jesus Christ’s bleeding wounds after crucifixion.”

Click to learn more

My Rock Clan

More of my Rock Clan

Asters & Pinecone
(just struck me as pretty)

Variegated Frittalary on Aster

Look closely – there’s a deer in those burned trees

On my morning forest walk I became aware of a fear that has been dogging me for a few years now. This is the fear of being injured and not being able to care for myself.

It’s seemed the past few years I have been injured more frequently than ever before and these injuries have been taking months and sometimes years to heal. These aren’t injuries due to accidents, but things that happen during the ordinary course of my day, doing things I’ve always done – such as weeding, working in my garden, exercising, and even tying a shoelace.

The shoelace incident happened yesterday morning. I hike once a week with several friends, (we call ourselves the Hiker Chicks). Yesterday morning I bent to loosen a shoelace as I headed out the door to meet the girls for our hike. As I tied the lace I was hit by an excruciating muscle spasm in my upper back between my shoulder blades. It hurt so much I couldn’t drive and had to skip the hike. This morning, as I reached to put a can of cat food on the top shelf of my fridge, the same muscle started to spasm again. It frightened me so much I decided I should not hike this morning either. I took several anti-inflammatory pills and settled in with my coffee outside.

Feeling better after finishing my coffee I decided to go for a walk anyway, and just go slow and easy and see how I felt. As I walked back, having made it to my usual turn around spot without noticing any additional discomfort, I realized how often I’ve been altering the things I do, or not doing things I want to do, out of fear of experiencing a debilitating injury. That I was actually feeling better at the end of this mornings’ hike, both physically and emotionally, than I felt when I left tells me that to have stayed home out of fear of possibly further injuring myself, which I almost did, would have been a terrible decision.  The soreness in my back was nearly gone and my spirits were soaring.

It’s interesting to me, though I’ve no idea of its relevance, that the day before yesterday I had my first appointment with a physical therapist to see why I still had lingering pain in my gluts from injuring my lower back in May while turning the dirt in one of my raised garden beds. The lower back injury resolved itself in a matter of days (I tweaked an old injury from lifting 50 lb bags of birdseed when I owned my Wild Birds Unlimited store), but the subsequent pain in my right glut and hip remain. The therapist couldn’t find anything more than super tight muscles that could be causing that pain.

So now I’m afraid of using a shovel, of lifting anything the least bit heavy, or bending over for any length of time. I do bits and pieces of projects, not working for longer than an hour at a time, for fear of hurting myself and not being able to do anything for days or weeks while I recover. Which is why I decided to seek out a physical therapist, so I could learn what I can do to strengthen my back so I can do the things I want without hurting myself. Apparently I was aware, on some level, of how much this fear was affecting my life, but now I can be more mindful when it comes up and influences my choices. I will be working with the therapist later today and am looking forward to what I learn. I want to be one of those people who age without ever slowing down, able to hike and backpack until it’s my time to walk on.

Interestingly, as I walked down a wash heading home this morning, three deer stopped above me and we made eye contact. They watched me without fear, just curious, then continued on their way. Perhaps a little deer medicine was all I really needed. Once home I found something really curious…I had left a couple of peanuts on my deck railing for the Jays – in the exact spot where I had left the peanuts was a small pile of sunflower seeds. A thank you gift? Or a bird with a crop filled with sunflower deciding it would rather have a peanut and exchanging one for the other? Either way it left me with a smile of contentment.