Category Archives: satire

Yes, They’re Waking Up. But Is Our Obots Learning?

Posted on September 7, 2009 | 5 comments

Hillary's Alleged Multiple Personalities

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?”
President George W. Bush, January 11, 2000

I think it’s fairly clear that our “progressive” brethren and sistren of the Obotic persuasion have begun to awaken to the fact that Barack Obama is, well, just not that into them. The utter ridiculousness and unnecessary clusterfuckiness of the health care “debate” combined with the pointless, rightwing-appeasing ousting of “progressive” appointee Van Jones has, in the words of a friend of mine, shown Obama’s ass. It’s now totally obvious to any but the most blinded by Obama worship that Obama never intended to do anything except funnel more money to his corporate and fundiegelical masters. His entire Presidency begins and ends with this goal. That’s really all there is to him, and there’s nothing we can do to change that fact. Why else would the Powers That Be have spent $800 million to force him down America’s throat? They expect a very high return on their investment, you know.

The chagrin and pain of ObamaNation would be cause for vengeful celebration if (a) we didn’t care that Obama is on the verge of completely and irretrievably screwing the possibility of universal health care for the foreseeable future, and (b) we thought that our Obots was (were? it’s so hard to get the Bushspeak context correct, isn’t it?) learning the right lessons.

We racist, bitter, bible-thumping dried-up old ladies were right, weren’t we? So why didn’t they listen to us and back Hillary Clinton? Why did the left blogosphere, for the most part, go so gaga over Obama? Was it merely the excitement of the first black President of the United States? Was it the superior marketing capabilities of Axelrod & Co., hand in glove with the corporate media who, not suspiciously AT ALL (insert eyeroll here) had suddenly discovered a hithertofore hidden lurv of liberal, anti-corporatist policies?

I believe Obama’s skin color, coupled with the media’s relentless coverups of his total and complete unsuitability for the job of POTUS, were two important factors. But two other factors were even stronger: Clinton Derangement Syndrome, and unrepentant misogyny. And I’m afraid our Obot “friends” have not chosen to understand how their own hatreds and prejudices led them to be hoodwinked, bamboozled and made to look like total and complete morons for believing Obama’s lies.

The Horror! The Horror!

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5 Comments

Posted in 2008 election, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, racism, satire

Our Post-Racial Paradise: A Play in One Dreamy Act.

Posted on August 5, 2008 | 1 comment

(H/T to Garychapelhill for the title)

THE SCENE: President Barack Obama’s Oval Office. A wall with a computerized panel and a door occupies center stage left, and the office occupies the remainder of the stage.

The decor of the office has totally changed. The drapes around the room are now printed with the Obama faux-presidential seal. Everywhere are pictures of President Obama, looking saintly and generous. There is also a picture of Michelle and the kids, but it is much smaller and less prominently placed. The American Flag has been redesigned; in the center of the field where the stars were is now a picture of Our Dear Leader.

The man himself sits behind the desk in the Oval Office, garbed in spotless white robes. Above his head, a sign reads “President Barack Obama” in large, elegant letters. He is in deep meditation, or perhaps, is sleeping off the effects of too much “holy water” the night before.

BILL BURTON, Barack Obama’s now Chief of Staff, appears at the door. The door speaks in a pleasant, female, robotic voice.

DOOR: Please enter your permanent password.

(BURTON enters a few numbers on the keypad.)

DOOR: Please speak your name.

BURTON: William Burton.

DOOR: Voiceprint authorized. Please state today’s password.

BURTON: Ummmmm…Obama is the greatest president that was, is, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen?

DOOR: Password expired. Please state today’s password.

BURTON: Ummmmm…(pulls out an iPhone, checks it, smiles) All hail Barack Obama, President Extraordinaire and really awesomely cool dude?

DOOR: Password accepted. (BURTON enters the Oval Office. OBAMA opens his eyes calmly.)

OBAMA: Good morning, Bill.

BURTON: Morning, Mr. President!

OBAMA: Please, sit down. (BURTON does so.) Now, what’s on your mind, Bill?

BURTON: Well, it’s this “New Racism Handbook” we published last week. Even though our NBC affiliates are over the moon about it, I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints in the (using air quotes) “blogosphere.”

OBAMA (frowning): Really? I thought those guys loved me.

BURTON: Oh, most of them do, sir! But some of them are saying that 10,000 forbidden words are too hard to remember. Words like “arrogant” and “presumptuous” are easy, but some of the scientists are protesting about changing the term “black hole” to “lightwardly challenged hole.” And making public racism a crime! They are really not on board with that one.

OBAMA (smiling): Oh, that’s okay, Bill. Let me tell you a bit more about my master plan. (getting up and striding commandingly around the room) You see, I wanted to take the troops out of Iraq and transfer them directly to Afghanistan to continue fighting there. But, it turns out, they’re already so exhausted from their fourth and fifth tours, they were useless to us. Our mission in Afghanistan, whatever it is, cannot succeed this way. We need more bodies, but Blackwater keeps raising its prices. It’s a tough situation.

BURTON: Sounds tough, Mr. President!

OBAMA: So, here’s what I’m thinking: No one can possibly remember all 10,000 words. We’ll use the warrantless wiretapping George and Dick set up to spy on people and catch them for the crime of public racism. Then, I’ll offer them a choice: do prison time, or join the Army. We’ll be up to quota in no time, and we can keep sending soldiers over to Afghanistan for 8-10 years, or whenever our mission is completed, whichever comes first! And best of all, no draft! (OBAMA smiles triumphantly, waiting for BURTON’s praise)

BURTON (a little late): That’s brilliant, Mr. President!

OBAMA: Isn’t it? It was all my idea, of course. Now, why don’t you go work with Axelrod and Plouffe today. They’re hiring a bunch of racism-spotters, and they could use some help.

BURTON: Yessir, Mr. President! (bustles off importantly)

(From behind a curtain, NANCY PELOSI, HOWARD DEAN and DONNA BRAZILE step forward.)

PELOSI: Oh, Barack. You told him this was your idea?

(OBAMA sits down, a bit petulantly.)

OBAMA: Well, shit, Nancy, I can’t let my people know you guys are telling me what to do. They believe in me! I am The One!

BRAZILE (soothingly): Of course you are, Barack honey. You just keep doing what you’re doing.

DEAN: That’s right, Barack. Everything’s going exactly the way we planned it.

(Suddenly, the scene dissolves. We see HILLARY and BILL CLINTON in their bedroom in New York. It’s decorated in traditional American style, with rich colors and fabrics. HILLARY is sitting up in bed, terrified and breathing hard. She is wearing silk pajamas. BILL is wearing a matching pair of pajamas. He stirs awake.)

BILL: Hillary – what’s the matter?

HILLARY: Oh, Bill – I had the most awful dream!

BILL (sighing): President Obama again?

HILLARY: Bill, this one was really terrible. It was about –

BILL (impatiently): Honey, if you’re ever going to get a good night’s sleep again, you know what you have to do.

HILLARY (coming to a decision): Dammit Bill, you’re right. I’m putting my name in nomination at the Convention. Screw the Party and screw their staged withdrawal. I’m in it to win it!

BILL: Attagirl! (They hug.) Now, about my Supreme Court nomination…

(HILLARY laughs her trademark belly laugh.

LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at The Confluence

1 Comment

Posted in 2008 election, plays by madamab, PUMA, racism, satire

Dear PUMAs, Stop Paying Attention! A Letter from the DNC/Obama Conglomerate to Over-Informed PUMA Voters

Posted on July 24, 2008 | 4 comments

Dear PUMAs,

Please, please, please stop paying attention to what we are doing. Our nerves are shot, thinking that our pre-planned installation of Barack Obama might not go through! Seriously, kitties – you think Howard Dean screamed in Iowa? You should hear him now!

We honestly thought everyone would unify behind Obama! Um, well, okay, we didn’t really think that, since we’ve repeatedly told you we don’t need you to win. But, ha ha, we were just kidding when we said you usually voted Republican! Can’t you all take a joke?

Okay, maybe you all think Obama himself is a joke. Fair enough. He certainly has made a lot of gaffes lately. Tee-hee – he even claimed credit for legislation created by the Senate Banking Committee, calling it “my committee!” We thought it was hilarious that he pretended to head up a committee of which he is not even a member. Gotta love that Obama chutzpah! Ooooh-weeee!

Shouldn’t you all be on vacation or something? Why have you been noticing how much Obama’s positions are starting to resemble a rightwing Republican’s? On everything from abortion to the Fourth Amendment to the war in Iraq, he’s been throwing mainstream Democratic positions out the window, or as you would say, “under the bus.” But if we tell you he’s a Democrat, he’s a Democrat! Why are you questioning our authoriteh?

Another thing. What is with this ridiculous insistence on Hillary’s name being placed into the nomination at the Convention? Just because it’s always been done that way is no reason to steal the nomination, which he has not yet earned, away from Obama! What’s the matter, are you all racists or something?

In conclusion, just get over it. Acknowledge that we own your vote. And after the election, we don’t expect to hear a peep out of you ever again, because we are the ones you’ve been waiting for.

Yours In Obama For America,

The DNC

4 Comments

Posted in Democratic Party, propaganda, satire

The Mother Of Us All: A Play In One Condescending Act.

Posted on July 22, 2008 | 5 comments

THE SCENE: NANCY PELOSI’s office. Like her home, it is tastefully furnished in pastels. Comfy chairs are placed strategically around her desk. PELOSI is sitting behind it, looking at her computer screen and humming slightly.

A knock is heard at the door.

PELOSI: Come in!

[HOWARD DEAN, HARRY REID and DONNA BRAZILE enter.]

PELOSI [smiling]: Hi, everyone! How’s everything going? Is all well with Obama for America?

DEAN: Oh, absolutely, Nancy! That trip to Europe and the Middle East has the media creaming its collective pants.

BRAZILE: Oh, HELL yeah. Man, you should see the photo-ops our future President has been getting!

REID [muttering]: Yeah – too bad we can’t tape his mouth shut.

PELOSI [sweetly]: What was that, Harry dear?

REID [sighing]: Nothing, Nancy. Anyway, the reason we’re here –

PELOSI: Let me guess – PUMA?

[ALL FOUR SIGH SIMULTANEOUSLY. REID, DEAN AND BRAZILE sit down dispiritedly.]

DEAN: Nancy, we just don’t know what to do.

BRAZILE: We’ve tried telling them we don’t need them and to get over it –

REID: We’ve tried ignoring them –

DEAN: Nothing is working! They STILL say they won’t vote for President Obama!

PELOSI [soothingly]: Now, now, everyone calm down. All they’re looking for is a little reassurance that we respect and honor them. [rising] No offense, but I think what you need is a more motherly approach.

BRAZILE: I KNEW we came to the right place! Harry, I can’t believe you didn’t want to ask her.

REID [exasperated]: Jesus, Donna! The important thing is, we’re here now. So, Nancy, what do you suggest?

PELOSI [sitting back down behind her desk]: Come back in 15 minutes. I promise you won’t be disappointed. [PELOSI, BRAZILE AND REID file out of the office.]

[FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS. Another knock at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in, everyone!

[BRAZILE, DEAN AND REID come in and sit down expectantly.]

DEAN: Well, Nancy, what have you got for us?

PELOSI: Check it out! [rising, clearing her throat, pacing while reading]

“Dearest PUMAs,

Please do not worry about a thing. All your concerns will be addressed once President Obama has taken office. You should emulate that paragon of patriotism, Britney Spears, and just trust us with the future of your country. After all, we have done such a great job with our majority since 2006!

As for the Vice Presidentship, that is President Obama’s decision, not yours. I hate to be stern with you, because we really value your unquestioning support, but you realize that we are in charge and not you, don’t you? I mean, it’s not like it would really matter anyway. Hillary is yesterday’s news. We are moving forward into a new, post-partisan, unicorn-filled future with our young, handsome, charming rockstar candidate!

So why don’t you all just give up and let us do whatever we want? Resistance is futile, and you will be assimilated.

Love and kisses,

Grandma Pelosi”

[PELOSI stops, and waits expectantly. DEAN, BRAZILE and REID sit in stunned silence. Then, happy, relieved smiles break over their faces.]

BRAZILE: Damn, Nancy, that was fantastic!

DEAN: Wow. Great, great job, Madame Speaker. The iron fist in the velvet glove.

REID: Yeah – even I’ve gotta admit, that was a stellar performance. Brava!

PELOSI [preening]: Well, this oughta fix their wagon. Nothing can stop Obama now!

[ALL FOUR LAUGH. The Princess phone on PELOSI’s desk rings.]

PELOSI: Hello? Oh, Hillary, is that you? [EVERYONE stops laughing.] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-HUH. Well…um…of course that’s your decision…uh…yes, yes, of course. I understand. [PELOSI hangs up the phone, shell-shocked.]

[brief pause while EVERYONE looks at PELOSI.]

REID [who can’t take the tension any more]: Damnit, Nancy! What happened!

PELOSI: Well, um…it appears that Hillary has been getting an earful from her supporters. She has decided to place her name in nomination at the Convention, so that means…she could actually win instead of Barack.

[EVERYONE is mute with consternation.]

BRAZILE [breaking the silence]: Well, well, well. Looks like it’s gonna be a very interesting summer.

[LIGHTS OUT]

5 Comments

Posted in 2008 election, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, PUMA, satire

Obama’s Runway – A Play In One Terrifying Act.

Posted on July 15, 2008 | 4 comments

[photo of Barack Obama, Getty Images; Project Runway logo, website]

[THE SCENE: A theatre with a long runway extending from the stage area. Seated beside the runway in three directors’ chairs are BARACK OBAMA, MICHELLE OBAMA and DAVID AXELROD, Obama’s right-hand man. On the proscenium arch above the stage, a sign reads: “Election Runway – You’re Either In, or You’re Out!” Written below it are the words, “DEMOCRATS ENTER HERE.”

DEMOCRATIC VOTERS enter through the stage curtains and wander onto the runway, a veritable Rainbow Coalition of races, ages, etc. Whenever a single voter is intended to represent a group of people, that voter will have a sign or a label indicating as much. All are chattering excitedly.]

YOUNG VOTER #1: OMG, I am like so excited about this election! I can’t believe we get to choose among so many great candidates. Finally, good-bye to Bush and those horrible Republicans!

MIDDLE-AGED VOTER #2: Yeah. God, the Republicans suck. Some of them actually said they didn’t believe in evolution? What century are they living in?

[ALL THE VOTERS LAUGH DERISIVELY.]

OLDER VOTER #3: Look at us. We represent the best of this country. We’ve got a woman, an African American AND a Hispanic! Those Republicans are so boring. Nothing but white men as far as the eye can see!

[AXELROD clears his throat.]

AXELROD: Okay, people, let’s get this show on the road!

VOTERS [muttering to themselves]: Who’s that guy? What’s going on? Where are the other candidates?

OBAMA [clapping his hands together]: People, please! Can we have a little quiet so we can start the show?

[THE VOTERS quiet down, but look confused. A woman raises her hand.]

WOMAN: Uh, Senator Obama? Where are the other candidates? I thought this was Election Runway!

[While the voters and the judges talk, HOWARD DEAN enters through the stage curtains and switches the sign from “Election Runway” to “Obama’s Runway.” He then bows and exits the same way he came.]

MICHELLE [smiling]: Tell ’em, Barack.

OBAMA: Democratic Voters, this – is Obama’s Runway! As you know, in politics, one day you’re in – and the next day, you’re out!

[THE VOTERS mutter amongst themselves.]

VOTER #1: Wait a minute. I don’t get it. I signed up for Election Runway. Is this a different show?

AXELROD [snickering]: Yeah, we just said that so you’d all show up. Fact is, this show is about US choosing YOU. [As Axelrod speaks, DONNA BRAZILE slinks in through the stage curtains. She has a big label on the lapel of her suit which reads “BOUNCER.”]

OBAMA: All right, folks, let’s get started. Let’s see. David, who are our contestants this time?

AXELROD: First up: rural voters. What have you got to say for yourselves? You voted for Hillary in the primaries. What makes you think you deserve to be part of Obama for America?

RURAL VOTER #1: Obama for America? I thought this show was for Democrats! I don’t know what Obama for America means. [The other rural voters nod and loudly agree.]

OBAMA: I’m sorry, rural voters. You don’t belong with Obama for America. You’re out. Auf wiedersehn! [BRAZILE steps forward and ushers them off the stage.]

AXELROD: Next up: the voters of Michigan and Florida. Listen, people, we’d really like to include you, but as you know, your elections were illegitimate, so –

FLORIDA VOTER [interrupting]: Now wait just a damn minute. It’s not our fault our legislature monkeyed with our primary dates. Why are you blaming us?

MICHIGAN VOTER: Yeah! And Senator Obama, why did you and John Edwards remove yourselves from the ballot in my state? You really messed things up for us out here with that “Uncommitted” nonsense.

BLOGGER: And what about the other states that moved their primaries? Why weren’t they penalized like Michigan and Florida? Could it be because you thought Obama would win them?

BRAZILE [stepping forward]: What the hell are these people talking about? Who do they think they are? We make the rules here – did you not see that my committee is called the RULES Committee? Sheesh! Just face it, you’re not getting into Obama for America. You don’t deserve it because you preferred that pandering triangulator to my guy. You’re out! Auf freaking wiedersehn! Howard, give me a hand here!

[HOWARD DEAN comes back in and he and BRAZILE usher the Michigan and Florida voters and the inconvenient blogger out. HOWARD DEAN disappears again behind the curtain.]

OBAMA: This stage is looking better and better. Now, how about African-American voters? What do they have to say for themselves! [aside] As if I didn’t know the answer to THAT one.

AA VOTER #1: We are behind you 93 percent!

AA VOTER #2: We love you, Barack!

AXELROD [satisfied]: Well, I think they’re in, don’t you, Michelle?

MICHELLE: Oh, absoLUTEly. You all are privileged to join Obama for America! Don’t mind Barack’s lectures on how you need to take more personal responsibility and all that crap. You know liberal white folks eat that shit up. Am I right? Anyway, you’re in. You can go stand over there.

[BRAZILE, smiling, ushers them over to a spot on the other side of the runway. A sign hangs over it reading “Obama for America. Yes, We Can!”]

OBAMA [rubbing his hands]: Okay, we’re really making progress now. Hey, what about this group – the, um, blogosphere?

AXELROD: Oh, they’re definitely in – all except those bitter, delusional, racist, menopausal PUMAs. Go take your places, folks, you earned it!

[Two BLOGGERS go over to the Obama for America sign and stand next to the AA voters].

[A female Clinton voter steps forward.]

CLINTON VOTER: Excuse me, but this is crazy. Are you saying that you don’t want us Democrats in the Democratic coalition? You don’t want us to vote for you? You don’t care if we stay home or vote for McCain in protest?

OBAMA [smiling]: You got it, sweetie! You’re out. Auf wiedersehn!

[BRAZILE tries to usher the CLINTON VOTER out.]

CLINTON VOTER: Don’t worry, Donna, I’ll see MYSELF out – and I’ll take my friends with me. [she stalks off the stage, taking all but two voters with her.]

AXELROD AND MICHELLE: Finally! [The bloggers in the Obama for America area cheer exuberantly.]

OBAMA [looking quizzically at the two voters left]: So, uh – who are you two?

NEW VOTER: I’m a new voter! A lot of my friends said they were coming, but they decided to buy the new iPhone instead. Oh well!

WEALTHY LIBERAL: I’m a, well, how do I put this without offending you poor people?

AXELROD: Hahahahaha! We know who you are. Okay, you and New Voter there, you are in. Welcome to Obama for America! [BRAZILE ushers them over to the Obama for America space. There are only six people there – NEW VOTER, TWO AA VOTERS, TWO BLOGGERS and ONE WEALTHY LIBERAL.]

[Awkward silence, as the successful contestants and the judges evaluate each other.]

MICHELLE [a little uncomfortable, aside]: Um, Barack, I thought you said there’d be a lot more of them.

OBAMA: [aside] Don’t worry, Michelle. The rest of them will come around before Election Day. After all, who’s gonna vote for that assclown McCain? Those polls are a bunch of bull. [Aloud] Congratulations, everyone! You are now part of the New Democratic Coalition. You are the ones you’ve been waiting for!

NEW VOTER: Omigod, I’ve never won anything before! I’m so excited! I’ll bet we win a full withdrawal from Iraq!

AA VOTER: You think so? That would be fantastic! I hope it’s universal health care. I’m a working mother and I sure could use it.

WEALTHY LIBERAL: Oooh, is it a serious commitment to countering the effects of climate change? I am really looking forward to that!

BLOGGER: I can’t WAIT to get our Constitution back. I’ll bet we’re going to get a filibuster of that stupid FISA bill! No more spying on Americans!

[They all start talking at once. Unnoticed, OBAMA, MICHELLE, AXELROD and BRAZILE shrug, and start walking out a side door.]

BRAZILE: Jeez. What a bunch of whiners. If they wanted all that stuff, they should have voted for Kucinich, Edwards, or God forbid, Hillary.

AXELROD: Really. I mean, Barack might have promised some of those things, but those people should have known they were just best-case scenarios. Who keeps campaign promises anyway? Why don’t they just ask for a pony or something?

OBAMA: I sure hope they don’t think it’s my job to do what THEY want. I don’t even let the Party Leaders tell me what to do!

MICHELLE: Hey Barack? What exactly ARE you planning to do once you get into the Oval Office?

[All judges stop their exits. Brief pause while all look at Obama. He is stumped for a second, then grins.]

OBAMA: No one knows! That’s the beauty of how David has run my campaign. All things to all people!

AXELROD: You got it, Barack. Let’s hope those contestants over there don’t figure it out before the election, though.

BRAZILE: You said it. Let’s get out of here, people! [EXEUNT ALL JUDGES.]

[LIGHTS OUT]

4 Comments

Posted in 2008 election, Barack Obama, blogosphere, PUMA, satire