Movie Madness: Fun Films for the Fourth of July

The Cine-Sibling and I offer these options for your viewing pleasure if you're whiling away the hours before fireworks tonight!

In the interest of full disclosure: I vetoed with extreme prejudice his suggestion of the first Transformers movie. As for Saving Private Ryan ... Well, my list only has room for one movie rescuing Matt Damon, and I wanted something fun and less bloody for a summer holiday.

Here are our picks in alphabetical order:

• 1776 (1972)
• Air Force One (1997)
• Apollo 13 (1995)
• Argo (2012)
• Armageddon (1998)
• Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
• Die Hard (1988)
• Glory (1989)
• The Hunt for Red October (1990)
• Independence Day (1996)
• The Martian (2015)
• Miracle (2004)
• The Patriot (2000)
• Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)

Friday Fun: The Big Apple in the Movies

Here's a fun compilation of clips from movies set in New York. How many do you recognize?


  (Don't fret: Here is the list of all the movies.)

Movie Review: "Wonder Woman" (2017)

New Girl.

Maybe I should have subtitled this review "I believe in miracles since you came along" since - contrary to all past experience and every expectation - DC finally managed to make a superhero movie that isn't awful! In fact, the "miracles" part comes from the stunning realization that this movie not only doesn't make you hate yourself for watching it (à la predecessor 1 and 2 whose titles I shall not type again to defile my keyboard), but it is by any practical Hollywood mea$urement an unqualified $ucce$$ (currently sitting pretty on a global box office figure of $650 million and climbing still). Even more shocking given DC's track record, Wonder Woman works as an engaging story in itself: it is a masterful blend of action, character development, charm, and actual human connection directed by Patty Jenkins and anchored by Gal Gadot (Gisele from the Fast and Furious franchise) as Diana of Themyscira and by Chris Pine (Captain Kirk of the new Star Trek) in his supporting role as WWI pilot Steve Trevor.

Hello Wonder!

I'm working on my movie review for Wonder Woman, so here is some related entertainment in the meanwhile: the official Japanese ad campaign for the film includes Hello Kitty. Well, of course it does.  Take a look at the official Japanese website after you click away from the trailer that pops up. Here's a closer look:

Movie Madness: Title Drops

Ah, yes, that hit-you-over-the-head meta game from moviemakers who think they're more clever than they actually are!  Title-dropping happens far too often, and it always jolts me right out of the movie-watching experience.

Movie Review: "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" (2017)

Family Matters.

2014's Guardians of the Galaxy was a delightful surprise, and even though its inevitable sequel can't quite recapture that initial thrill of discovery, it still delivers plenty of the same kind of zany personality, irreverent zingers, nostalgic pop culture awareness, colorful CGI eye candy scenery, and retro soundtrack shenanigans that made the first Guardians so much fun. To be perfectly honest, I went to see this for 2 main reasons: Rocket and Baby Groot (still adorably tiny and twiggy but now out of his flowerpot and capable of locomotion), and on that front the movie delivers in spades.

The gang's all here again, along with some new characters, including an alien who looks like an Oscar statuette come to life, Chibs from Sons of Anarchy trading in his leather jacket for Ravager gear, a girl with antennae, and a figure named Ego who really, really, really lives up (or down) to his name.

The plot has its up and downs, and there is one detail arriving late in the film that is as unnecessary as it is horrifying and jarring. Still, the whole movie looks so darn pretty with bright, eye-popping fantasy CGI that its flaws are forgotten in a second. Besides, all it took was the next shot of Baby Groot to make me forget my complaints. Seriously, though, keep an eye on the film's overarching meditation on the meaning of family and loyalty.

As always, sit through all the credits.

Mad Minerva gives Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 a grade of B+.

RottenTomatoes gives the movie the bona fide Fresh rating of 81%.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 runs 136 minutes and is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action/violence and some language.

Here's the trailer: 

Movie Madness: Ranking Tom Cruise Movies

I thought this was hilarious not only because ranking movies is always an exercise in amusing subjectivity but because the writer flat out announces with endearingly brutal honesty:

"Anyway, with news of a coming Top Gun sequel, it hit me that, although I’m not a particularly big fan of Cruise, from that day until this one, I’ve seen virtually every movie he’s appeared in. I’m sure I’m not alone. And because I will do virtually anything to avoid writing about Donald Trump or Russia or Congressional Budget Office scores, I correctly ranked them for you."

Since I too have been refusing to engage in political blogging because the quality of ostensibly professional journalistic coverage has been utterly absymal, I would much rather talk about movies!  Here's the (very entertaining) ranking of every Tom Cruise movie.

Let's point out a few recent personal favorites, shall we? Here are my grades with links to reviews.

• Edge of Tomorrow (2014): A
• Almost all the Mission: Impossible movies. I gave 2011's Ghost Protocol an A-. I didn't get around to writing a full review of 2015's Rogue Nation, but that's an A (with a huge shoutout to Rebecca Ferguson and a nod to Simon Pegg and the great Ving Rhames).
• Tropic Thunder (2008). The flick itself gets a B overall, but Cruise's turn is amazing.

Nerdworld Soundtrack: Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro"

It's what I have playing right now, and it's fantastic, no?  Before you start thinking that I'm all fancy and sophisticated and cultured and whatever, let me tell you that I had completely forgotten about this piece until I heard it in Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation that I was watching earlier (excellent flick, by the way, and how The Marriage of Figaro shows up in it is absolutely in keeping with my irreverent sense of humor!).

Movie Review: "Suicide Squad" (2016)

Prison Break.

Well, against my better judgment I finally saw Suicide Squad over the holiday break, and let me tell you I shouldn't have.  That miserable vomitous mass is an insult to the very idea of movies as a pleasant enterprise.  It's 2 hours of trash. No, really, I mean actual, literal trash, as one of the major plot points - I kid you not - involves a swirling tower of flying rubbish propelled by the sorcery of a shimmying witch wearing a skimpy, spangled Las Vegas showgirl outfit. The whole thing is as silly as it sounds.

I watched Suicide Squad with Alessandra. I suppose I should clarify and say that we hate-watched it. We knew it would stink like a heap of dead sewer rats - New York City-sized ones at that - but even we connoisseurs of crap entertainment were frankly astonished by the sheer incompetence we saw on screen.  The basic premise - getting a bunch of convicted, imprisoned criminals to carry out dangerous government missions - isn't bad in itself, but the execution was shockingly shoddy.  From an entire phalanx of characters we don't care about at all to a plot that - as Alessandra said - isn't even a plot, so much is wrong with the movie that my head is spinning. In fact, let me make it easier on us all. There are 2 - and only 2 - good things about this movie, and they are Will Smith as Deadshot and Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn (though her exaggerated accent started to grate as time went on). Everybody and everything else is a complete failure. Of those crashing ruins, Jared Leto's Joker just might be the worst offender of all. The less said about him, the better. He is to this movie what Jesse Eisenberg's Luthor was to Batman v. Superman.

What the hell is wrong with DC Comics?  No, wait, don't answer that.  I haven't got the time or the inclination for a dissertation, though I suspect that a big part of it can be summed up in 2 words: Zack Snyder, the Michael Bay of comic book movies.

Look, this review is turning into a rambling, incoherent rant, and it's not even an entertaining one. Here's a better:

Mad Minerva gives Suicide Squad a grade of D- because it's somehow even worse than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, a movie that I savaged.  

RottenTomatoes gives Suicide Squad the miserable Rotten rating of 26%.

Suicide Squad runs 123 minutes and is rated PG-13 for violence, some language, suggestive content, and total narrative idiocy.

Concluding Thought 1: I have to say too: I am now completely pessimistic about this summer's Wonder Woman movie. DC is going to screw it up. They're going to screw up one of the best comic book characters in existence.

Concluding Thought 2: Go watch 1967's The Dirty Dozen instead. That film's a classic, and the cast is full of stars. 

Two Law Professors Watch "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story"

Professors of law are among the hordes who have stampeded to the movie theaters this holiday season for their Star Wars fix. You may find their ruminations of some interest: law prof the first and law prof the second.

As for me ... No, I haven't gone yet. No, and however heretical this may sound to some people, I'm not all rarin' to go either. It feels like an obligation. I'm thinking that I'd rather go see La La Land, actually, because the combination of Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone was so charming in 2011's Crazy, Stupid, Love.

But! As long as we're on the topic of Star Wars (I've always been more of a Trekkie myself), take a look at this fan's detailed obituary of Leia Organa. Not Carrie Fisher, mind you. Leia Organa.

Quote of the Day: A Tribute to Toshiro Mifune

Check out this review of Mifune: The Last Samurai, a new documentary of the great Japanese actor, and then go check out the film itself. If you don't know who Toshiro Mifune was, you'll certainly want to. Just take a look at this wonderfully mad description:

Mifune was a one-man kamikaze burlesque show, as elegantly savage as his future inheritor Bruce Lee, as dextrous as Errol Flynn, as insanely comic as Curly from the Three Stooges, with a bombs-away ego all his own. 

... He was a hurricane who blew away the landscape that had come before him. He was really the first samurai of action cinema, the one who cast his cross-cultural shadow over everything from the evolution of the martial-arts genre to Eastwood and Bronson.  

He also turned down the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi!

Mifune got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame not too long ago.

Comfort Viewing: "The Karate Kid, Part Two" (1986)

Had enough of the never-ending drumbeat of negativity, identity politics, and divisive rhetoric from all fronts?  Let me recommend one of my favorite movies, now celebrating its 30th anniversary (!).  I assume that you - as properly educated humans - have already seen 1984's original The Karate Kid, yes?  Of course you have.

There is a lot of good stuff in the sequel that it manages to engage without being prissy or preachy - eternally resonant themes like honor, justice, standing up for yourself, respect, mercy, love, friendship, family (both of blood and of choice), forgiveness, and reconciliation across divides of age, race, culture, geography, and time - and I'll leave it to you to enjoy the story, along with a gloriously bombastic, cheesy soundtrack. Hey, it's the 80s! It's OK!

 

By the way, don't bother with the rebooted Karate Kid from 2010.  Look, I love Jackie Chan as much as anybody, but there's only one Mr. Miyagi, and he is the late, great Pat Morita.  Go rewatch the original Karate Kid.

Mini-Movie Reviews: 2 to See, 1 to DVD

Sorry, darlings, I've been busy with the Olympics and getting ready for school, but very quickly, since it's Friday and you might be heading off to the movies ...

Here are some micro-reviews:

• The Secret Life of Pets: Animated fluff that's diverting enough but also disposable. The premise gets old fast, and so do some of the jokes. If you want animated critters in a much smarter tale, get Zootopia. I'll give Secret Life of Pets a B. (74% on RT)  Don't bother paying movie theatre prices. Catch it on DVD if you like, especially if you have little ones running around.
• Star Trek Beyond: Director Justin Lin takes us on an action-packed adventure with loads of great visuals, an intriguing new character in Sofia Boutella's Jaylah, a few really good lines, and even a good bit of heart. It really is more than just Fast and Furious in Spaaaaaaaace. Grade: A- because (a) parts of the often-predictable plot are messy and not a little silly (come on, now, it's movie #3, and I'm expecting much more) and (b) people keep hiding Idris Elba under a mountain of alien prosthetics and dubious motivations, and that's no way to treat him! (83% on RT)  Still, see this flick on the biggest screen you can, because the scenes of space station Yorktown alone will blow your mind.
• Kubo and the Two Strings: Astounding animation that flawlessly combines stop-motion and CGI to tell a poignant original (for Hollywood) story that will have you weeping into your popcorn Pixar-style. Grade: A. (96% on RT) Here's a flick that might actually be worth seeing in 3-D.

Monday Therapy: Take a Chance

Lawd, another Monday.  Here's a little Shakira to help get you ready to face another work week.   The song is featured in the animated movie Zootopia, so that's why the Colombian songbird appears as a gazelle with hips that don't lie.


By the way, Zootopia is probably the best movie I've seen this entire disappointing year of films.  No, really!  I'll try to write a full review, but it's an A+ movie.  It's also now on DVD, so hop to it!

Movie Madness: DC Fans vs. Rotten Tomatoes

HAHAHAHA - Apparently this is for real!  DC fans have started a petition to shut down movie review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes because the collected reviews for Suicide Squad stink.  Isn't that like shooting the messenger?

Personally, I've about had enough of DC movies. The idiotic and grimly pretentious Batman-Superman smackdown was stupid and awful, and I said so at the time.  After that mess (how did you screw up both Superman and Batman so badly at the same time? AND Lex?) I lost all hope that Suicide Squad could be any good.  After this latest kerfuffle I think I'll just save my money ... and maybe go see the new Jason Bourne flick instead. (Here's just one review out of hundreds.  The phrase that caught my eye: "Suicide Squad amounts to an all-out attack on the whole idea of entertainment.")  The DC movie universe is a joyless, grayscale cesspool where fun goes to die be brutally murdered.  In the rain.

Besides, this little temper tantrum by fans about reviews is pretty indicative about how DC as a wider community can't get its priorities straight.  Usually I'm slamming the studio and execs, but today my target is DC fans, and my accusation is the same.  Your priorities are all screwed up, dude.  How about you take your rage out on DC for making a crappy movie that reviewers hate instead of on reviewers for hating a crappy movie?  DC bigwigs:  How about you quit making crappy movies? 

Here's something relevant that made me laugh out loud:

Anyway, the only thing the DC moviemakers are doing with any effectiveness is driving me into the arms of Marvel.  Ah, Marvel, fun, colorful, freewheeling, quippy, whose problems and peccadillos now seem like mere nitpicking trivia after the sort of total self-immolation DC keeps performing.  How's this for a conspiracy theory: DC's movie division is run by a cabal of Marvel undercover agents who have managed to infiltrate DC at the highest levels and who have been tasked with destroying DC root and branch.  Seriously, DC couldn't be doing a better job of alienating its fans and destroying itself if it were trying.

Friday Fun: Korean Movie Theaters!

Feel like seeing a flick this weekend?

True Confessions: Instead of Watching the RNC or the DNC ...

Seriously! Instead of watching the GOP's and the Dems' dueling dumpster fires (*insert banjo music here*), I did just about anything else.  Sure, some people will complain that I'm not doing my civic duty or whatever by not watching ... to which I say, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY OWN EYES.

On one night (I forget which), I actually watched the following flick on Syfy instead. The thing is laugh-out-loud horrible, but hey, at least (a) it was entertaining and (b) I know for a fact that neither Sharktopus nor Whalewolf is going to be the next president.

   

Yup, that was the dude from Starship Troopers, another laughably awful flick. (The Robert A. Heinlein book on which it's based is much better. Trust me on this, will ya?)

 

Then I proceeded to binge-watch a bunch of shows on Netflix.  I'm thinking of giving the coveted Mad Minerva endorsement to this candidate or possibly this one.

Star Trekkin' Across the Universe

I've had about all I take of political nonsense all around, so I'm just going to enjoy the fact that the new Star Trek movie is finally premiering.  Until I can get to the theatre and come back with a review for you lovelies, take a gander at this fan film:


And then watch this:

Movie Review: 3 Superhero Flicks (2016)

OK, darlings, let's do this in chronological order: Deadpool, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, and Captain America: Civil War.

                 

Short version for the impatient: 

• Deadpool:  Irreverent, gleefully meta-misbehaving R-rated romp. B+
• Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: As sleep-inducing as rhino tranquilizers and as vacuously pretentious as college freshmen. D
• Captain America: Civil War:  Imperfect but entertaining anyway!  A-  (Was there a teensy bit of grade inflation due to comparing this face-off with DC's?  You betcha.)

For those of you who want more details, read on!

Movie Madness: "Ben-Hur" (2016)

Here's the trailer for the remake of 1959's Oscar-winning epic Ben-Hur, and I am all kinds of unexcited about this project, even if it somehow got Morgan Freeman to bring some dignitas by sheer dint of his voice:


Maybe the remake will surprise me and actually not be a disgraceful insult to the splendor and substance of the real Ben-Hur (i.e., Heston's, obviously), but I have my doubts.  Heston won the Best Actor Oscar for his turn as the complicated lead character, and I am pretty darn sure nobody's winning anything for the action-filled mess that is the remake if the trailer is any indication.

"Remaking what?"

When I watch the new Ben-Hur and write a review, I might end up having to rehash my Exodus: Gods and Kings review where I said:

I seriously contemplated framing it all as a "I'm sorry, please take me back, I love you!" letter to Chuck Heston. 

... Come on, babe.  You know it's always been about you.

I should never have left Heston's Moses aside to watch Christian Bale's.  It was no contest, and the storytelling was garbage.  Seriously, how do you screw THAT up?  Well, in much the same way people are probably going to screw up the Ben-Hur narrative, I guess?  Come on, the story is supposed to be about the fractured ties between Ben-Hur and Messalla, and the all the trailer can do is have Messalla yell, "Are we having fun now, brother?" like a snippy teenager.  Is that really the best you can do?

Anyway, people tried remaking Ben-Hur as a TV mini-series back in 2010 (yes, this really did happen), and that project made no impact whatsoever.  

Dang it, stop remaking Charlton Heston classics already!  

Contemporary movies are getting to be so much sound-and-fury, CGI pixel insanity kinds of nonsense (with notable exceptions).  Maybe I should start doing reviews of more classic "old" movies to remind everyone, myself included, not to forget the great cinematic achievements of the past.  Sure, they were all made long, long before I was born, but I'm a history buff: we shouldn't become so engulfed in the present that we forget the things that went before and start thinking that the short-term, attention-deficit cult of Now is the only thing that matters.

Longing for a hero on a white horse?  How about four?