Hey, how are you?

I am doing fine.

Still wading through depression but it’s going OK now that anti-depressiva have dampened the worst pitfalls of it. I am free each day to try and relax and use new neural path ways until they are grained in. My doctor explains it like a carriage path I am forging through the woods. Keep at it until it is an automatic path. The pills just help to deal with side winds but they won’t forge the path for you, that is a cognitive exercise.

So I try and relax all day. I have now shed the unbelief that it is ALLOWED to rest and do nothing. This belief was heavy during the past Winter. I bugged my husband numerous times per day, asking: “is it really allowed? I can just sit and knit for another hour??”

Yeah because when I knit I am doing “nothing”. 🙄Tss. Oh to de-learn that there is a world of “something” between being visibly productive to society and doing really nothing.

Also shedding a bit of perfectionism. Sticky little bugger it is.

Shedding onion layers of guilt that never seem to run out. (why? wherefrom? I’m not crying, you’re crying)

I am surrounding myself with easy fitting clothes, good food, happy cat, pet spam from friends, nice yarns and, this week, spinning floofs. Tour de France has started!

You recognize ofcourse that I am surrounding myself with colour. I am tickling those neurons!

I would also like to draw and paint and enjoy colours that way but drawing is a bit hard to get to these days. Don’t know why, probably perfectionism, but I won’t psycho analyse it because I don’t want to give it validation with language or energy. I do look at art most evenings and that’s being genuinely arty farty enough for me.

There is one other piece of news I want to share, it is about losing my mum. She died last week, on (her own) demand, because she was getting very ill with ALS, a deadly disease.

In my country it is possible to ask doctors to end your life when you are very ill and there will be no relief and you are of sound mind. It is civilized, I think. The doctors see it as helping the patient and forfiling a last wish.

It is also very much wrapped in law as to make absolutely sure it happens neutral, with impartial opinions.

In our case my mother got diagnosed with ALS this Spring and things went downhill fast. In a few months she lost the use of her legs. In the last two weeks she had lost the joy in life. She didn’t want to wait another few months while she would lose controle over the muscles that govern eating, swallowing and eventually breathing.

We knew she wanted to die before that but suddenly things went fast. She gave us one week notice. But it was harmonious. Knowing the suffering would end brought her peace. We visited with her, remembering fun things such as holidays and cat mishaps. She told a messy story about a kitten she had in the ‘50s when cats were fed from the dinner table resulting in digestive issues. She laughed so hard when telling the story that we gad to guess and feed her words to which she could only nod while wheezing with laughter, about how the poor cat tried to warn her but she cuddled it anyway and suddenly her dress got “all warm”.

Yeah, cat poop and laughter features heavily in my family.

She was a singer all her life and I sung for her the last weekend. She loved it.

We had no things left unsaid and the parting on the actual day, the day of her death, was lovingly and in harmony. I am alright at the moment. It is very weird to not have a mother. It hurts, I cry. But I am doing alright with it. It did set me back into the depression a bit but it’s ok.

I mainly wanted to tell you about this euthanasia-for-humans that is possible in my country and how grateful we are for it. It is well thought out too, anything you can wonder about is been provided for. Patient dement? No end for them. Patient doesn’t utter the request themselves? No procedure. Second opinion doctor thinks suffering can be relieved? No procedure. GP can not morally do it? He doesn’t have to. And so on. There really is barely any misconduct possible.

Also it doesn’t occur often in the Netherlands, probably because it is freely available and freely discussed as an option? About 6.000 people annually get their requested euthanasia, on a population of 17.280.000 souls. The same with abortions and anti-conception to the young, which are also free of charge over here and can be freely discussed with health providers. We have the lowest rates in the world. About 1700 teen pregnancies and about 28.000 abortions per year. On a population of 17,28 million people. That is about 17,25 million people who do not need these kind of solutions to their problems which makes their life pretty darn good. Being educated about and knowing there are options gives peace of mind. Take care.

all metal, perhaps made by bicycle maker in the Netherlands. I have a clue from a German man who loves Steel and Wool.

Yeah it’s the one! The expert from Germany calls it The Dude. Here it is in his herd.

I recognized it from its description: “

Die sog. “Holländerin” oder Der Dude

In den 1970ern von einem Fahrradhersteller in Holland gebaut. Pragmatisch, funktional und mit allem ausgestattet, was das Spinnerherz begehrt – inklusive kleiner Feinheiten wie der Schwenkbarkeit der Spulenhalter.”

“The Dutch Lady or The Dide

In the 1970’s build by a bicycle repair man/builder in the Netherlands. Pragmatic, functional and with all all the thing a spinner’s heart desires- including the little subtleties such as the bobbin holder that can be tilted.”

words from Stahl und Wolle, translation poorly by MarvelKnits.

I hope he can tell me more about it. I have now located three of these wheels. One has just sold on out national “craigs-list” but that lady didn’t know anything about it. It shows it name clearly, the one that sold.

A Dutch bicycle builder, what a hoot!

The students at the technical university I attended where all called bicycle-builders. I now remember! when I just started spinning, I was eager to design one myself, based on a metal wheel. For momentum. I love the materials steel, wool, wood, glass, ceramic and silk.

The German site is very interesting! A man who loves Steel and Wool and knows how to build spinning wheels. He has a nice traveling wheel in his collection:

Oef, 1400 euro. Most probably worth every cent. Smooth spinning. Lots of smarts and subtleties. Engineer heart beats.

A little miracle happened, the plans for a manure fermenting plant that I’ve been fighting against for years were canceled this week.

Years of technical analyses, court cases, political meetings and press interactions have come to an end. We won!

It is an amazing feeling but I am also very, very tired. I’ve been spending the last few days on my day bed and I expect to be here a little while longer while processing this thing.

In the mean while I am knitting round two of Sock Madness which is madness with all capital B’s: beads, bubbles, brioche, riBBing, diamonbs:

pattern
All the B’s by KnitJoyz

A 1073 people are knitting this pattern right now!

This is how I imagine KnitJoyz thought up the pattern:

I am working in a nice green, with purple beads. This is how I strung my beads, once I got my head around the fact that the sock yarn does not need to go through a threading needle and through the bead:

At the knitting itself the bead is placed on the stitch and then the stitch is knitted. As these are 8/0 beads which are smaller than 6/0 I have difficulty getting the yarn through the bead with a crochet hook. The hook is so small that it only catches strands of the yarn, not all of them. Splitty yarn.

Again, a little tool, made of thin wire:

It is a lovely pattern and I like knitting it very precise.

Also, the anti-depressants stuck. I am having not-bad days consistently now. This is good! But I am also tired from the past year…. how to leave behind past days? I have no clue.

Meanwhile I am exploring what it means to have Asperger’s Syndrome and I allow myself a break, from all the things and from all the thinking.

Pretty soon I will have to do something though. I have gained a little belly from all the taking a break (which involves chocolate obv.) and also I think my jogging pants are wearing thin from a year of constant wear now. I think I’ll have to sew some pants soon.

But first I rest a little more from all the winning. No manure plant near the cabin, yay! Pass the chocolate.

I drew this dragon for people who are also a little bruised these days. Rest your little fingers in a warm bowl of beads:

Oh, I finished the sock for round one, taking especially care to knit them with happy coloured yarn. It is a factory handdyed yarn by Lana Grossa Meilenweit Merino hand-dyed in the colour Asam.

I went and bought myself another skein, at the local yarn shop. OK two. I brought the socks to show them, they liked that. I felt so socially engaged.

Here’s a drawing I made of which I am proud and in which I again shyly propose that green and purple are complementary colours, instead of green/red or yellow/purple:

Yes I am crawling out of the depression. I am learning about Asperger’s Syndrom and how to live with it. And I am suspecting that making happy drawings might be my (autistic) superpower and that it is OK to devote time to that, instead of fighting manure plants who destroy nature.

I don’t know. It’s all a matter of the little grey cells, ma chère amie. The little grey cells and a warm heart.

I had my first good day yesterday!

Was it the nice weather? the anti-depressants? vit B12 and folate supplements? A new outlook on human existence that I am practicing? All of the above?

I don’t know. Carry on softly.

Here’s some news:

• my garden paths have now been robbed from all wool!

• Sockmadness qualifier sock pattern has just run for two weeks. The pattern is
  Senbonzakura by Natalia Vasilieva

my socks:

It was a funny ride for me. I was toe enthousiastic:

Here is why I had two different socks. One leg was longer and then I compensated with a shorter foot and then nothing fit and then I did a fast fix which has an awful fit. Too fast a fix won’t help in the end.

• I knit another two handspun sweaters. There is one more on the needles. But I think I need to stop now. It has been a bit… manic. Fighting depression I guess.

And I’ve been drawing for Sockmadness. Wilma keeps them together on Ravelry

People have taken the effort to let me personally know how they appreciate my doodles. This boosts my new outlook on life and I am floating on their love and kind words. It is amazing how personal a virtual touch can be 🙂

Check them out on Ravelry . Wilma keeps them together on Ravelry

There’s loose bits of wool everywhere in the garden for him/her! But oooh no, squirrel has to wreck my garden path 😠

And I let it. 😍

Did you know woodpeckers sleep like this?

This was yesterday. My garden is full of things to see, even though I mostly explore it from inside, with binoculars. I’ve been inside for months now. Twice we had a stroll in the woods and yesterday a walk around the garden. But today is a new day and I have new plans.

Just to update you: I fell into the dangerous kind of depression on the day of the American election. I couldn’t believe how narrow the margin of sanity and “lets care for each other” was!

The very next day, the 4th of November, I started anti-depressants for the first time in my life but they haven’t worked. For a few weeks I held on to sanity by reading all the post-election court documents. There was entertainment there (spelling errors, filing at the patent court instead of state court etc.) and delightfully worded orders by judges who were both Republican and Democrat appointed.

It gave confidence to see that the USA is still a country of law and firmly based on the constitution. And the evidence of vote fraud was examined and ruled ridiculous. By Trump appointed judges. But citizens didn’t seem to learn this?

Then the storming of the Capitol happened. Crazy January 2021 Wednesdays: the storming of the Capitol, Impeachment, Inauguration, the storming of capital.

And then the stupid, stupid political games of Republicans didn’t stop. House. Senate. Gerrymandering. It’s just the same old same old and it’s no different from the ‘80s, the ‘90s, the ‘30s, the 1920’s.

I didn’t get better. I got myself through the weeks by surrounding myself with colours and knitting like a madwoman. Five handspun sweaters. That’s not normal…

But it kept me busy and warm. Basically I sat on the couch, knitted and watched stories on my laptop. With the cat. Ignore the weird thoughts and feelings, wait for the pills to work. They didn’t. Not even when the dose was upped.

So now I am nearing the end of my rope again. I can’t sit and just let time pass much longer. So I have made a new plan to get me through the next couple of weeks. Remember that colourful piece of paper I stuck to my wall, with all the nice/important diversions for me to do? I am making a new one today. To name my solutions in no particular order: I am referred to a psychiatrist who can diagnose autisme and help me with the depression, it will take a couple of weeks before I actually speak to someone. I will stop reading about politics both here in Europe and in the US. I will ignore all stupid people over here who rile against covid measures. I will start 49 days of colour, where I am “allowed” to just play with colour, do some painting playful exploration (Pierre Lesieur is an inspiration, as is Bonnard as always). I have bought myself a nice, friendly ring to wear. I will take a breath of fresh air outside each day, my husband will chase me outside if he has to, per doctor’s order 😜

Sockmadness is starting up and I’ve been drawing for it and it’s fun and lovely. I will not think anymore about the human species, civilization or how to live life. Not until I’ve spoken to a professional who can put my autism into perspective regarding these kinds of thoughts. I will “check out” of the “be a responsible human being, be a caring member of society” for a couple of weeks and just play with colours and my brush pen. And wool.

I just have to show you:

The main path has a plastic stabilator, honeycomb shaped plastic, so people with wheel chairs can use it. With the surplus gravel I am making smaller paths and I didn’t want more plastic.

I think I am genius. Wool doesn’t compost and I have found a use for those washed fleeces that I cannot bring myself to trash, even though they are not nice enough to spin or felt.

The birds think I am genius too, they have been picking at the batts I laid out for trial.

Anyway, wanted to show you. I hope you are well. I am hanging in there, just making it through each day. It will get better. Take care. Touch wool.

Wool instead of landscape cloth. antiworteldoek.