Monthly Archives: May 2009

May 31, 2009 · 14:56

Sleep or something like it…

By some miracle, I went to sleep last night before 5am and woke up at precisely noon today.  I look at this as progress.  Skordo looks at this as necessary.  If anything, I need to adjust this sleep schedule for him.  The things we do for animals.

For years, I have been plagued by nightmares and night terrors.  I have been known to scream bloody murder while I am sound asleep.  Many neighbors have complained of this before.  For this, I apologize.  In addition to the standard of talking in my sleep and occasional wandering (yes, I walk around), my nightmares are incredibly horrid, vivid, and frequent.  I will generally have one every night and often wake up sitting straight up, gasping to catch an extra breath.  Many times, I will not remember these visions.  On occasion I will, and they are just strange.  Absolutely strange.

I have been meaning to consult someone to locate the main cause of my nightmares.  I have had these nightmares for the majority of my life, but they have become progressively worse over the past two years.  My doctor initially thought that I was suffering from alcohol withdrawals.  Yes, at the time (a year ago), this made sense.  It has now been over a year and a half and well, they’re still there.

In an effort of honesty, these nightmares do not bother me that much.  I tend to wake up from them, remind myself that nothing is real, and continue on with my day.  Truth be told, there is nothing realistic about being stranded off a barge with towering metal bridges crashing around me.  Enlighten me.  Please.

I’m sure there is some reasonable validity surrounding my nightmares.  I’m sure some red flags are raised around me for this, but truly, I am not bothered.  It’s rather bizarre.  I almost find a strange sense of belonging in them.  Yes, I take sleeping pills on a moderately consistent basis.  I have been a slave to them off and on for a few years.  The nightmares have been around since long before I discovered sleep in a bottle.  They have just leveled at this point.  I really cannot pinpoint it at all.  I am just a bit baffled.

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May 30, 2009 · 05:08

Birds of dawn…

I should be tired.  I have been awake for what feels like an eternity and my body is battered and bruised from work.  If I have not stated this before, allow me to introduce myself:  Hi, my name is Mary.  I’m an alcoholic, and also a complete klutz.  I will spill everything, break anything, and run into any inanimate object even remotely in my path.  Upon most recent inventory of the markings, I now have at least eight bruises on my legs (front and back…no small feat), one on my right arm, one on my pelvic bone, one on my hip, and one on my shoulder.  How I managed to get all of these?  I have only an answer for one:

I was in a very minor car accident today.  I was rear ended at a stop light.  I am fine, my car is fine, everyone is fine.  My left shoulder however, is bearing the mark of said incident and yes, I have a nice seat belt bruise.  The man that hit the girl behind me, who subsequently hit me, was rather concerned about whiplash.  I assured him that I am a far from litigious individual and unless he had rendered my ability to work tonight, or any night in the near future impossible, then all would be just fine and dandy.  I swear, you could see the relief pour over his face.  The irony surrounding this minor collision is that not only was he on his phone, we actually all were.  Oh, what awesome drivers we are.

The birds have already begun their morning chant and I am seriously considering an investment in ear plugs.  If they could just wait until day break, I would be a much happier person.  It is the best thing ever that my bedroom gets little to no sunlight.

What has kept me awake tonight (and by night, I really mean it is now 5am…I fail at life) is a multitude of thoughts and wanderings.   I am a bit confused about a few issues at hand and am at quite the turning point in my life.  Thankfully, this is one of the first times that I have been financially stable so any lack of sleep does not have a dollar sign attached to it.  I think I am just perplexed with a level of nerves and suddenly am feeling a bit afraid.  I want so many things, but as this checklist makes its view, I am beginning to realize that in order to attain these items, I am going to through what feels like hell in order to get there.

I have always found myself struggling over simple things.  By simple, I mean those that most can quickly achieve and I, for some reason, am lagging.  My ideals of normalcy, I believe, have impaired my judgement in many instances, but I don’t look at these moments as negative at all.  If anything, I like to think that in my 24 short years, I have accomplished more and have a better grasp on reality than many people I am presented with on a daily basis.  No, I am not trying to make myself out to be a perfect, amazing person.  I have quite the grip on my flaws and imperfections.  I just think that I have a very solid understanding of who I am.  I recognize who I am.  I know right well what I am capable of.  I have hurt people due to indiscretions.  One, that I know for sure, has been the demise of many a relationship.  Well, one can only learn from it.  And something great came out of it…

While I know that my view of the future is rather uncertain, I have a glimmer of an idea that is within the realm of certainty.  It is even within the realm of reason.  Shocking, I know.  I just find that as time passes, I am not going to get any of it back.  I have always lived incredibly in the present.  I plan to maintain that stance, but maybe with a bit of careful consideration for the future added.

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May 29, 2009 · 12:19

Oh water…

As reality came obtrusively crashing back into view, it made me realize that I need to begin taking better care of myself.  No, I am not quitting smoking or Sugar-Free Red Bull (there is no life without Red Bull), but maybe allow myself time and space to appropriately leave, relax, and entirely decompress.

Seattle was the perfect break.  Of course, I missed my animals, but they were well cared for here.  Aside from having two complete days off (and away) from work, it was refreshing just to be still.  I slept in.  I relaxed.  I wandered.  I went to places I would not normally have gone.  I had stimulating, interesting conversation (always refreshing…drunks = not so stimulating).  And most importantly, I was back on water.

It is often difficult for me to describe to people of my affinity with water.  I already know the next place I live will be on water.  That is non-negotiable.  I need to hear the sound of the waves.  I need to smell the saltwater.  I want the sound of seagulls to be the only obstruction of this perfect moment.  It is only entertaining that I have a mild fear of driving on bridges over water.  There is just something, at this point, that seems all too necessary about living on the water.  I can’t quite pinpoint the exact notion, but I know it’s there.  I just need water.  Simple as that.

As first mentioned though, reality came crashing back into view in a very unpleasant way.  It was one of those moments when you sit there, with a confused look on your face, scratching your head saying “I was just gone.  How did I get back here?”  Yes.  That moment happened.  To finish that sentence completely, I was caught asking myself “Why am I back here?”.

I cannot come up with a reasonable answer to that other than I have a lease to fulfill.  That’s all.  It is nice to know there is not anything else left here tying me down (then again, a piece of paper keeping me trapped is rather obnoxious).  The thought of leaving is beginning to sound all too sweet and quite frankly, I am about to jump ship only to say “I will go anywhere but here.”  Well, as long as there is water, of course.

Bainbridge Island

Bainbridge Island

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May 25, 2009 · 14:23

To venture north…

Sometimes, you just need to get out.  Sometimes, you need to venture elsewhere to allow the feeling of numb to thaw.  I was in dire need to do this, hence, I am now in Seattle for a visit.  I need to feel alive again.  I honestly feel as though I am beginning to thaw…

The past few months have been exceedingly difficult.  I have dealt with the loss of a relationship, and though it was mutual, the wedding dress in the closet is just a sore stomach to even view.  I know I have said this before, but I truly do feel as though I am only floating; just biding my time until life can actually begin.

As the years pass and life continues to shift and change with each given month, I find myself still looking for stability.  Not in an emotional sense or even stability in my ability to care for myself.  I think I would truly like to be somewhere for a while.  As a Burger, I am skilled in the art that is moving (there is even a packing technique named after this), and I do enjoy a move.  A change of scenery, neighborhood, and life is always appealing to me.  But at this point in my life, I would like something constant.  Not something that changes every six months.  I would like to be able to sign a lease knowing that yes, I will fulfill this lease because I want to.  Not because I feel that I am financially bound to this piece of paper.

Truly, the only constant in my life has been my family.  My mother, the rock of my life and my best friend, is without a doubt the woman I turn to for everything.  While I appreciate this relationship more than I could ever give the appropriate words of gratitude to, I would gladly welcome another presence in this life, other than my animals.

I think I have always lived in a bit of fear that I would end up like Jane Austen; writing the great stories of life and love, only to die alone.  Of course, every girl that has read Pride and Prejudice now lives in the eternal search of finding Mr. Darcy.  But yes, Mr. Darcy is my literary standard of men, and Jane nailed it on the head when writing the words of his love for Elizabeth.

“By you, I was properly humbled.  I came to you without a doubt of my reception.  You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.” – Jane Austen

I will end this by saying that I cannot remember that last time I truly felt relaxed.  It is a welcome vacation from my reality: dog, cat, work, home.  Just to wander through Queen Anne this morning and know that I had not a thing to do today other than to enjoy myself was perfection.  Even when I noticed my shampoo bottle had exploded all over my Elgar sheet music (and Lalo and Davidoff..), I took it with a grain of salt knowing that well, shampoo dries, and Elgar is now minty fresh.

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May 22, 2009 · 15:20

Just a moment…

As August draws near, I am finding the end of life here to be trickier than I had imagined.  Letting go of relationships, my job, even my life in Oregon; they all seem to be different than I had imagined.

I had not imagined to make a smooth, quiet, easy exit.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew it would make everything different.  I just never expected it to feel this strange and with this level of discomfort.  Even my living situation is different now.  It just feels like I am floating in some universe that isn’t quite real anymore, but I have to exist only for the sake of being.

The prospect of elsewhere.  I have wanted that more than anything.  I have had a vision of a life that seems all too perfect, and I want to experience it.  My idea of simplicity and calm, they have truly overcome my thoughts and are now on the forefront of my daily turns.  Maybe this makes everything a bit easier to let go of.  Maybe just knowing that there is light on the horizon gives calm to even the most irrational day.

I just don’t have any fight left here.  Portland was a disappointment.  I was so full of life when I moved up here.  I had this great plan and I was ready to conquer my next obstacle.  But I came, I saw, I conquered (in an unfulfilled manner), and now, I am leaving again.  It may very well be that with every move I am only running from something.  I know what I ran from when I left Corvallis, and I know without an ounce of certainty what I am running from when I leave here.

I don’t plan on living a life that is a constant battle, or a continual escape from reality.  I have let reality settle.  Yes, I am running, but I am running from a life that I know would not have been the best for me.  One that I would have only been settling for.

In this vision of perfection, passion is a word that is a large part of it.  Whether it be passion in a physical sense or even a life that I am surrounded by others with the same level of commitment to life that I possess, it’s something that I can now put on my list of requirements.  Belonging – what I know I have been looking for.  I will go forth with my search and take into account any opportunity that passes my way.

I will not leave here until every stone is unturned.  I wouldn’t be able to appropriately start over if I knew I had missed something here.  The thought of leaving something or someone behind is a thought that I will never get a full grasp on.  I know myself well enough and know that if I leave, with any level of unfinished business, that I will find myself right back here.  If an opportunity comes before August that changes my path, yes, I will take it.  My island will still be there, but an opportunity for the level of life I want to lead may not be.  Who would I be to pass a moment up?  If I know any part of myself well enough, I know that I have always lived for the perfection of just a simple moment.

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May 19, 2009 · 16:30

The simplicity of calm…

Pardon my lack of input over the past few days.  I have been a bit distracted by life, Skordo, the new X-Men movie (oh Hugh Jackman…), and the sun.  If I could write this blog while I am taking my daily drive, that would be ideal.  But as we know, this is not a perfect world.

Yesterday, I had words for you all.  I had the best of words.  I had a beacon of light moment and was so excited to share the joy with you.  I came home, walked through the door, and saw my poor puppy laying lethargic in his crate, and he had not touched his food.  Off to the vet we went.  Two hours (and $250 later), we were told that he has food poisoning of sorts and he is now on a plethora of medication and a very special diet.  Needless to say, the rest of my day was spent with my boy making sure he was feeling better.  Oddly enough, Olive wants to eat this special food as well and this morning was adorable watching the two of them eat out of the same bowl.  Typical Burger children – bonding over food.

As my sweet, sick, boy lays asleep with his head on my lap, I am now able to write again.  No distractions.  No sun (which I am missing dearly right now…we Oregonians were spoiled), and no Hugh.

I have learned a bit about myself over the past few days.  As I have mentioned before, I have found myself in situations before when my quick ability to let go has damaged relationships in my life.  I can come and go at will and will often not harbor too much of an attachment until a moment (often not a suitable moment) presents itself.  With this attachment, I often find that the void in life is only temporarily fulfilled and I am just biding my time until the next distraction comes along.  Call it A.D.D., call it picky, call it devoid of appropriate feelings, I consider this to be knowledge of what I truly want.

With every failed relationship, I have taken something with me that is a part of them.  Whether it be a moment, an action, a lesson on what not to do, or the capability to be wholly selfless; something is always learned.  To say I have the know how now is a far cry from perfection.  I am not perfect, and I don’t consider myself to be in the slightest bit.  I just feel that as the trials and tribulations pass, I am only completing myself further.  My continual quest for simplicity and calm, if you will.

I spent the past few days re-reading my previous entries and found those two words to be a common theme among my written banter:  simplicity and calm.  Maybe my struggle to fill that void (still holding firm to fighting for my life, though I have another feeling what it may be…a further blog) may also be as pure as I am just looking for a calm, simple life.  I have always had a vision of my life overlooking the ocean.  Whether that ocean be in Key West, or in Maine, I want a life over water.  I could break my day down into something as easy as traditional personal maintenance, walking the dog along the water, and writing with a calm, saltwater breeze to keep me with inspiration.

As by the dead we love to sit,
Become so wondrous dear,
As for the lost we grapple,
Though all the rest are here, –

In broken mathematics
We estimate our prize,
Vast, in its fading ratio,
To our penurious eyes!

Emily Dickinson

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May 15, 2009 · 13:53

An irreverent level of reproach…

After an exhausting night of tossing, turning, and going to bed far later than I should, I was pleased to wake up to Olive asleep on my stomach and the sun pouring in my bedroom.  This meant one thing:  Skordo gets a very long walk today.  He did.  And as I was gathering myself and his leash, you could see the sheer joy in this dog’s eyes.  If only it were truly that easy…

To find joy in all aspects of life; that is something I have searched for and will continue to fight for.  I have found joy in areas and places, but ever does it seem that joy in everything is unattainable.  Maybe I walk into certain situations with an irreverent level of reproach.  Maybe my idea of perfection is flat out impossible.  Or maybe, I have just been looking in all the wrong places.

Going back to my last post, I had left Corvallis for two simple reasons:  I wasn’t happy and I needed to try something new.  Well, happiness does not immediately show its bright eyes when you leave one town for another, and I think true and proper happiness has not found me here either.  This level of incomplete that I am experiencing is hard to get a full grasp on.  I know I am still looking for something to excite my day beyond the simplicity of mundane survival.  Whether it be a person, a job, an activity; just something to ignite a level of passion that I know I possess but have not been able to utilize in so long.  If anything, I fear Portland has drained me a bit.

Call it a level of understanding, but I simply feel that there is nothing stimulating here.  I am just being and living here.  I want to be pushed and challenged.  I am used to a struggle and while I am experiencing one here, it is not the struggle that I want to pursue.  This is an unnecessary struggle.  I want to fight with purpose.  And here, there is simply nothing left to fight for.

I look at my dog and see joy in his eyes over a new bone, an old bone that was lost under the sofa for a month, a daily walk, a fresh bowl of water, the feeling of trampling through a large patch of ivy.  I swear he smiles when he curls up on the sofa with his head on my lap.  He wants two simple things:  to be cared for and loved.  Truly, I am jealous of this dog because quite frankly, he may have it all.

Maybe I just want to absorb my life into something a bit more simplistic, where it can easily revolve around the passion that ignites me and absolute necessity.  A presence of excitement and challenge; something I fear that if I don’t hold onto enough, it may quickly fall away.  And that is a challenge worth fighting for.

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May 13, 2009 · 12:21

Finding home…

I moved away from Corvallis almost a year ago.  In this past year, I have been back maybe six or seven times.  It has been an ongoing battle to find home and where true happiness lies.  None the less, I went back to my dear Corvallis yesterday and I felt a pleasant change:  I was home.

I spent the day with my wife (my best friend for all that need an introduction to my monikers).  We ran errands, had tea at the coffee shop that I managed for five years, cooked dinner and watched American Idol (first time I have seen anything this season…).  Yes, we knew it was Pint Night and Dollar Beer Night.  I don’t drink and well, we’re old.  Cooking dinner and sitting on the kitchen counter, laughing as hard as we could was deemed to be a far more entertaining decision.

After I left her house, I took a drive through my familiar little town.  I drove by the (many) houses and apartments I had once called home.  I drove by old schools.  I saw my father and did not cry.  I parked my car in a park, opened my sunroof, set my seat back, and listened to the Elgar Cello Concerto (E Minor, Opus 85.  Listen.  Now.) as I watched the stars.  I felt at such peace.  I don’t have that feeling in Portland.  I miss the silence.  I miss the stars.  I miss being the only car on the road.  I miss my strange sense of belonging.  I miss knowing every house, every road.  I miss knowing how the timer of the stoplights downtown run.  And as much as I have fought to never say this again, I will:  I miss my home.

There is such a strange comfort there.  At any given moment, I can find the comfortable air of solitude to enjoy my Elgar.  Every park has a story for me, whether it be a first kiss, a last kiss, the swings my father once took me to, the small bridges over creeks I would hide on if I ever needed to be completely alone.  I have cried, loved, lost, gained, and forgotten, all in this dear town.

Of course, my move to Portland was necessary.  I do not see myself moving back to Corvallis, at least, not anytime in the near future.  I have always felt a battle with that town.  Maybe I blamed it for taking him from me, I don’t know.  It’s a bit hard to blame a town for the death of a father, but with parks, certain paths on campus, houses, even the smell of Kidder Hall – I still feel him.  Maybe that is why I held onto that town for so long.

With each move, I know I am only growing.  They are all stepping stones to somewhere.  I still haven’t the slightest idea what or where that somewhere is, but I’ll find it.  Someday this will all make sense and the light will turn on.  Until then, I will enjoy my boxes.

The road goes and I am finding home in it.   – Saosin

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May 11, 2009 · 23:22

Despite our differences…

Today was a day filled with odd accomplishments, marked by moments of some rather stimulating conversation.  I met with two friends throughout the day and while the conversation was very different between these two people, I was left smiling.  I reminisced with an old roommate (we actually lived down the hall from each other) about the joy of living in downtown Corvallis and how we turned our building that was initially designed as apartment living into a dorm.  Ah, the great college years.  Those were the days…

As my day traveled on, I felt a bit adventurous.  I’m sure I have mentioned this before, but I have bursitis in my hips.  I was diagnosed last November and ceased all exercise then.  I have since been paying for a gym membership that I have not been utilizing.  Oh yes my friends, that ended today.  I went back to the gym.  As I lay here in the couch, I am only in mild discomfort where my hips are concerned but I assure you, I spent all 30 minutes on the elliptical asking myself “Why am I a smoker?  I really should quit.  Want.  Air.  Now.”  But I went, I burned calories, and in my demented sort of thinking – I conquered.

I often receive feedback about my blog.  Most is from my mother or my best friend.  A is usually sending me corrections that need to be made or telling me that I made her cry, and the best friend is often laughing at my stupidity.  Yes, I may keep my spare tire absolutely inaccessible but there is still a brain in here.  Today I received some feedback from a source that I would have deemed the last person in the world to give words to my writing.  None the less, this person left me with a bit more than just a thank you.  And I, well, I was left with a smile.

Throughout my ongoing battle for personal fulfillment and my struggle to find whatever it is I am looking for (I am going to maintain my stance of fighting for my life for the time being…enough searching for one week), I often feel as though I am a bit alone in this struggle.  Of course, I have an excellent support system in my family and close friends, but I suppose I make myself out to be the more “suffer in silence” type.  I am not bothered by this and I often feel I cope a bit better.  I will let people in, and will certainly bring to light a serious dilemma, but when I am having a questionable or trying experience, I often find my pleasant silence of solitude to be a bit more appeasing.  But this was before the blog, and now, I have shared some of my greatest fears, joys, triumphs, and losses with all of you.  In an effort of honesty, I must say this – I am not afraid to share them either.

Within this, I find that these struggles are often fought as a battle with myself – that I am the only one that feels this way.  Maybe it is silly, maybe I have just been alone in my thoughts for too long, maybe I have never allowed someone appropriately ‘in’ before, maybe I don’t trust people to hold my emotions…I don’t know.  I just feel that after maintaining this life of mine for so long, that maybe I am the only one that knows how to do so.  Again, my first responsibility is to myself and I am the most important person in the room.

Today though, I was reminded of something:  I am not alone.  No matter what my fight may be, there is someone else out there saying “Mary, I get it.”  Despite all differences and setting whatever issue was at hand aside, I am not the only one to feel this way.  Yes, that light just turned on above my head today.  Call me slow.  I seem to presume that I just had not given the opportunity for allowing a person in.  I learned something from this, and I am thankful for it.  No matter what difference or issue may present its waring eye – I am never alone.  It seems my simple solitude is not always such a lonely road…

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May 10, 2009 · 12:17

Garlic and olive oil…

As I had shared with you all before, I took the weekend off work.  I have successfully spent the past two days doing all sorts of nothing.  I ran a few errands, mailed a gift to my mother (Happy Mother’s Day), spent all of yesterday at H of P’s family home watching Skordo run around in the back yard, basically being the happiest dog ever.  I swear he was smiling the whole time.  We barbecued cheeseburgers and hot dogs and ended up with some interesting tan lines.  I have watched a few hours of television.  I have gone to bed early and slept in late.  If someone had told me two years ago that my idea of a rocking Saturday night would now involved my pajamas, on my couch, watching season one of Rescue Me, I would not have believed you at all.  I’m officially getting old…

It was so refreshing to have the weekend off work.  I love my job, I really do.  There are many nights when I absolutely have a blast, but then there are nights that can completely drain the life out of me.  When I took the weekend off, my boss asked me why.  I explained to him that I just needed a weekend off before I found myself totally drained and without motivation.  He was understanding to that and thankfully, let me have the time off.  And my weekend in turn, was glorious.  A glorious weekend of doing nothing.

As today is Mother’s Day (call your mommas if you have not done so by now…), as soon as I woke up, I called A.  She was happy for my phone call.  I apologized for not mailing her Mother’s Day/birthday package sooner, but she understands.  At least I did not forget this year.  I did that two years ago and let me tell you, I will never hear the end of it…

At the end of our phone conversation, she reminded me that next Mother’s Day, I will be closer and may even be able to spend the whole day with her.  Of course I will.  I miss the ability to spend a day with her.  It has been years since a spontaneous meal was even possible to share with her without having to spend an entire day on a plane.  I miss being able to cook with her.

As long as I can remember, we have always spent the majority of our time together in the kitchen.  Whether we are preparing for a dinner party or just a small meal for the two of us, it is always an experience and will forever be some of the best memories I share with her.  Even if it is a disastrous experience with Phyllo.  I assure you, every swear word I know, I learned from my mother while she was making Spanikopita or Baklava.  I love you, A.  I really do.  And thank you for the additions to my vocabulary.

The majority of our conversations even revolve around food.  As two Greek women, this is not uncommon.  Also not surprising as my two pets are named after my two favorite ingredients: garlic (Skordo) and olives (Elia).  She often has friends over for dinner and will always share the menu with me before she begins preparations.  I have often asked her for a list of my favorite recipes, and to this day, do not have a single one.  A, please, will you share?

As the years go on, I have made attempts to emulate this woman in my own kitchen.  I can cook, but the way she can move throughout a kitchen is remarkable.  The quick working of cleaning, preparation, smiling, and even carrying on a conversation while doing all of this, is something I am not quite capable of yet.  I swear, my kitchen looks like a bomb went off every time I make Keftedes, and my mother’s kitchen will be spotless with the exception of one plate.  And no matter how many times I melt butter or saute onions and garlic, my home never quite smells like my mother’s.

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