The Full Weight, Power and Authority of My Office

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White House Down takes the possible threat of an attack on the White House a lot less seriously. Which is exactly what I expect from mainstream disaster movie director Roland Emmerich. Unlike the very similar Olympus Has Fallen released 3 months apart, White House Down is PG-13 with a much lighter tone. Except 2013 era modern politics are now difficult to ignore with Jamie Foxx as the black President who isn’t Obama. Foxx is almost hard to take seriously in the role, but President James Sawyer does have a commanding presence. He plans to establish peace in the Middle East by signing a treaty. This time action star Channing Tatum is the only specially trained former war veteran capable of saving the President from terrorists.

Though U.S. Capitol police officer John Cole is assigned to protect Speaker of the House Eli Raphelson played by a respectable Richard Jenkins, more time is spent on Cole’s troubled personal life. Cole is divorced from his ex-wife Melanie played by Rachelle Lefevre. A young Joey King plays his emotionally distant daughter Emily who has an obsession with politics and runs a YouTube channel about it. Cole arranges a Secret Service interview and gets her a tour of the White House. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays Secret Service Presidential Detail Special Agent-in-Charge Carol Finnerty who happens to be a former college friend of Cole. She interviews him for the job that he’s proven unfit for. It seems like they might become love interests, but he mostly flirts with presidential aide Jenna Bydwell played by Jackie Geary. Nicolas Wright manages to be funny as nervous tour guide Donnie Donaldson who makes an on the nose joke about the White House being blown up in Independence Day.

That’s exactly what happens when terrorists plant a bomb inside the building. Carol and Raphelson head to the Pentagon where Lance Reddick holds control as Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Caulfield. Michael Murphy plays Vice President Alvin Hammond who stays safe onboard Air Force One. Die Hard similarities are obvious with Emily’s relationship to her father being exposed by the media after she records the terrorists, but it’s also similar to Air Force One with the President taking part in the action. Although Garcelle Beauvais plays First Lady Alison Sawyer, the First Family is completely safe. Sawyer makes sure to strap on his Jordan’s and join Cole when he leads him to safety. Unlike Olympus Has Fallen, the terrorists are all American. Most of them are white nationalists like Carl Killick, but Jason Clarke is unsurprisingly villainous former Delta Force captain Emil Stenz who holds a personal grudge against Cole for killing his friend.

SPOILER ALERT! Despite being a retiring Secret Service deputy, Martin Walker is the traitor and mastermind seeking vengeance for his son who was killed in Iran. James Woods playing a terrorist is ironic considering his experience during 9/11. Although Jimmi Simpson plays hacker Skip Tyler who launches a missile at Air Force One, Walker really needs President Sawyer to launch nukes at Middle Eastern countries. Even his wife Muriel is on his side. The action gets increasingly ridiculous with Cole driving the presidential limousine on the White House lawn while the President fires a rocket launcher at the front gate. Despite saving the day and rescuing his daughter, Raphelson ends up being another accomplice who orchestrated the attack to become president. White House Down manages to entertain in spite of its cliché approach.

John Cale leads President Sawyer to safety

When Our Flag Falls Our Nation Will Rise

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Olympus Has Fallen is what might happen if terrorists took over the White House. Somehow it was one of two movies released in 2013 with the exact same premise. Though White House Down was released 3 months later, Olympus Has Fallen is basically Die Hard in the White House. “Olympus” is simply a codename for the White House. Action star Gerard Butler plays Secret Service agent Mike Banning who has a close relationship with the First Family. Aaron Eckhart plays the likable President Benjamin Asher and Ashley Judd plays his loving wife and First Lady Margaret Asher. Banning has the strongest bond with their son Connor. The direction is devastating even before the attack when Banning fails to save the First Lady from a snowy car crash outside Camp David.

The guilt-ridden Banning is reassigned 18 months later when terrorists attack the White House on July 5. I expect a director like Antoine Fuqua to go for a harsh R rated tone, but the threat against innocent American lives can sometimes feel too real. Even though extensive CGI was used to recreate Washington D.C. along with a weaponized aircraft flown by North Koreans. Although President Asher is meeting with South Korean Prime Minister Lee Tae-Woo, the actual mastermind is an independent North Korean nationalist. Rick Yune is easy to hate as Kang Yeonsak who holds the President and his staff hostage in the secure White House bunker. Like John McClane, Banning is the only specially trained former war veteran capable of rescuing them when current Secret Service agent Roma played by Cole Hauser is killed. He communicates with Secret Service Director Lynne Jacobs played by the always commanding Angela Bassett.

Though it’s not quite to the point of Deep Impact, Morgan Freeman plays Speaker of the House Allan Trumbull who becomes acting president when the President and Vice President are out of commission. Robert Forster plays Chief of Staff Army General Edward Clegg who makes too many hasty decisions. Dylan McDermott plays traitor Dave Forbes who helps Kang extract codes for the Cerberus system capable of detonating nuclear missiles. The Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff doesn’t put up much of a fight, but Melissa Leo stands out as the strong-willed Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan. Banning manages to find and rescue Connor rather easily. Though Kang threatens Banning’s wife Leah played by Radha Mitchell, she’s completely safe as an overwhelmed nurse. Despite taking out most of the White House in an aerial attack, Banning executes the terrorists one by one until he forces them to come out of hiding. Olympus Has Fallen falls somewhere in the middle when it comes to political action thrillers.

The White House is attacked

Followed by: London Has Fallen

Always the Matchmaker, Never the Match

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Materialists is a strong sophomore effort from director Celine Song. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! It’s refreshing to see that a romantic drama can still be a good financial investment. After Song’s personal Past Lives, Materialists proved to be a much more commercial film. Especially when you consider the attractive A-list cast that includes Madame Web, Captain America, and Mr. Fantastic. It was a return to form for Dakota Johnson who believably plays a young matchmaker in New York City. It’s like Hello, Dolly! from a modern point of view. Even though it has an unusual opening with a caveman proposing to his mate. Song brings the same artistic filming techniques to a more flashy film.

Lucy is a good saleswoman who can match anyone that mathematically checks off the right boxes. Marin Ireland is her Adore boss Violet who hypes up what they do. Despite the old fashioned romantic setting and casual smoking, Lucy is more concerned with the business side of marriage than actually falling in love. She’s not always the most likable person, but she does care about her clients. Especially the 39 year old Sophie played by Zoë Winters, who proves to be difficult to match. The funniest material is all the high expectations that male and female clients have that I found relatable. Steven Spielberg’s son Sawyer is one of the expectant clients and Meryl Streep’s daughter Louisa Jacobson is one of the brides who questions her match.

Lucy meets tall, dark, and handsome millionaire Harry at his brother’s wedding. At this point I’d be more surprised if Pedro Pascal wasn’t in the movie, but he’s good at romance. Harry seems like the perfect match until struggling actor turned catering server John comes back into Lucy’s life. This might be the best role Chris Evans has gotten since the MCU. John and Lucy used to date, but she broke up with him for being poor. Materialism is a core theme that gets lost when one of Lucy’s clients is assaulted off-screen by one of her matches. Though it does get back on track when she realizes who she should be with. Harry has an unexpected secret that keeps them apart and John can only offer his love, but I’m just happy they didn’t go a non-traditional route. Materialists is worth loving when you accept it for what it is.

Lucy runs into John while talking with Harry

My Heart Skips a Beat 😍

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Heart Eyes is the best Valentine’s Day themed slasher by default. Between the more well known My Bloody Valentine, its 3D remake, and the 2001 Valentine, Heart Eyes is the only movie that gives love a chance. CollegeHumor director Josh Ruben is the latest comedian to make a surprisingly solid horror flick. Though I wasn’t surprised to learn Christopher Landon was one of the writers. Heart Eyes is a gory yet funny send-up of both rom-coms and slasher flicks. You’d think it would be difficult to market, but Heart Eyes did a lot better than Love Hurts released the exact same day. The difference is having a central couple that actually has chemistry.

Olivia Holt is the cynical advertisement executive Ally who has a frustrating opinion of romance. She has a coffee meet cute with Mason Gooding as her surprise consultant Jay who still believes in love. Michaela Watkins is overbearing boss Crystal and Gigi Zumbado is the supportive best friend Monica. Ally and Jay go out on what they claim isn’t a date, but she ends up passionately kissing him in front of her ex. Aside from the cringy modern way of thinking, the movie plays out like a traditional rom-com until the killer strikes. The Heart Eyes Killer (H-E-K) is a masked slasher with literal heart eye lenses that can glow red. Apart from the standard knives and machete, the Heart Eyes Killer fires arrows like Cupid.

His targets are young couples or anyone in his way on Valentine’s Day. The primary detectives on the case are Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster as Hobbs and Shaw. I know Brewster is in the Fast and Furious franchise, but it’s still a random joke. No more random than Yoson An getting attention as an IT guy that hits on Ally. Ally and Jay are forced to stay together when H-E-K mistakes them for a couple. Although they do end up falling in love and she even attempts a mad dash to the airport. Most kills are over-the-top up until the end when we’re given a Scream style twist with a sick couple as the killers. It’s far from perfect, but Heart Eyes doesn’t bury its heart completely.

The Heart Eyes Killer

Hiding Ain’t Living

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Love Hurts hurt a lot more than I was expecting. A David Leitch producing credit is usually a good sign, but it ended up being the directorial debut of fellow stunt coordinator Jonathan Eusebio. Though a John Wick inspired action comedy set during Valentine’s Day seemed promising, Love Hurts ended up being a complete mess. It bombed at the box office with a pathetic 18% on Rotten Tomatoes. Despite a surprisingly short 1 hour & 23 minute runtime, Love Hurts is padded out with several distracting subplots that constantly remind us that it’s Valentine’s Day. I think I’m more baffled that they never bother to use the song “Love Hurts” in a movie that literally has that title. It’s hard to believe Love Hurts stars 2 recent Oscar winning actors.

Ke Huy Quan has had better luck getting roles, but his martial arts skills are wasted in a lousy film. Marvin Gable is yet another former assassin trying to live a normal life. He’s a very enthusiastic realtor who loves his job. A heartfelt Goonies reunion is also wasted with Sean Astin as Marvin’s kind rich Texan boss Cliff Cussick who doesn’t know his past. Daniel Wu is Marvin’s coldhearted crime boss brother Knuckles who wants his former flame Rose Carlisle killed. Unlike Quan, Ariana DeBose’s acting seems to be getting worse with every bomb she stars in. Rose is either crazy or just weird as she sends love letters to Marvin asking for help. Marvin and Rose are supposed to be the central romantic couple, but they replace chemistry with constant narration telling you how they feel. I had little to no interest in why Rose was being pursued, and Cam Gigandet doesn’t make it anymore interesting as Knuckles’ right-hand man Renny Merlo.

The same goes for Rhys Darby as the accountant Kippy Betts that Rose tortures. The action can be unusually mean-spirited. The first random subplot is between Knuckles’ bumbling henchmen King and Otis played by Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch and André Eriksen respectively. King and Otis bickering about the latter’s love life is cringy to say the least. Then there’s the other subplot between Lio Tipton as Marvin’s cynical secretary Ashley and Mustafa Shakir as knife wielding assassin Raven who writes poetry that she falls in love with. It’s completely out of pocket, but they’re bizarrely the strongest couple in the movie. There’s also Drew Scott as a black belt realtor who gets killed immediately. Despite a trip to a strip club, language and violence are the only reason for the R rating. Fight scenes try to be creative, but most of them just feel silly. Love Hurts can’t seem to get any genre right.

Marvin dodges a knife

Every Minute Counts

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We Live in Time is not science fiction. The title refers to the time in our lives that we experience together. It’s a romantic drama with a nonlinear narrative that makes the story more interesting. If you already know where the film is headed, you have a better understanding of how people can change. Brooklyn director John Crowley made the right decision to return to romance after the failure of The Goldfinch. We Live in Time is fairly straightforward on its own, but Andrew Garfield and Florence Pugh have believable chemistry. They’re both Marvel actors that met when they presented 2 Oscars at the Academy Awards.

Garfield and Pugh are known for almost never using their natural British accents, but they’re finally given that chance in We Live in Time. The movie gained extra internet attention when a photo of the couple on a carousel became a meme thanks to an ugly horse. Tobias is a nice guy that works for the English Weetabix company. Almut is a determined former figure skater turned Bavarian chef. We see their lives at different relationship stages. They met when Almut accidentally ran Tobias over with her car. Although he was once married, his divorce leads to them having sex one of several times. We Live in Time is rated R mostly for language, but Pugh and Garfield are naked quite a few times.

Although we already know that they have a daughter named Ella, Almut not wanting to have children leads to their first fight. When she changes her mind, the real tragedy comes when Almut is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I had a feeling it would go in that direction since it’s the saddest outcome. Her procedure allows her to have a child that she humorously gives birth to in a petrol station. Despite having a loving family, a newly shaved Almut makes the life-threatening decision to focus her attention on a prestigious cooking competition. Tobias is understandably frustrated, but she justifies it by wanting her daughter to remember her for her accomplishments. Though it didn’t hit me as hard as I expected, We Live in Time will tug at the heartstrings.

Tobias and Almut on a date

Teenage Dream

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He’s All That is not all that. Although She’s All That is a 90’s cult favorite, I never thought anyone would make a gender-swapped remake of it. This time it’s an anti-social guy getting a makeover from a popular girl who made a bet. He’s All That looked bad from the trailer, and knowing it was a Netflix movie didn’t help. Director Mark Waters should’ve been a good sign, but this is no Mean Girls. It’s a teen movie for the TikTok generation that might think the original film is “problematic.” Though I was surprised that the overall story even in 2021 was mostly intact. Addison Rae is a major social media personality that I knew nothing about, but she plays influencer Padgett Sawyer who pretends to be rich on her live streams. I was at least happy to see an older Rachael Leigh Cook as her mother who struggles to make money as a nurse.

Though she doesn’t reprise her role as Laney Boggs, callbacks are the only thing I appreciated. Seeing Kourtney Kardashian as Padgett’s social media sponsor was enough to take me out of the movie. Since Padgett is an influencer, a trending meltdown ruins her reputation when she catches her wannabe hip hop influencer boyfriend Jordan Van Draanen cheating with a hot backup dancer that doesn’t get any attention. I don’t recognize Disney Channel star Peyton Meyer, but I do recognize Madison Pettis as her friend Alden who ends up being a mean girl. They make the bet with Cobra Kai star Tanner Buchanan as greasy haired rebel and photographer Cameron Kweller. Aside from a cringy karate scene, Buchanan was chosen because he can also hide how handsome he is underneath. I was prepared to hate him, but I’ve honestly known a lot of guys like him in school that hate everything mainstream.

He’s not a complete loner since the lesbian Nisha is his only friend. I only bring that up because Padgett’s nicer friend Quinn played by Myra Molloy is also lesbian. Isabella Crovetti plays Cameron’s younger sister Brin who idolizes the popular crowd. They live with their grandmother and have an absentee father like Padgett. Padgett and Cameron bond over horses and sing “Teenage Dream” together, but they lack natural chemistry. The makeover occurs before a Great Gatsby themed party where he gets angry before the official bet reveal. Dropping an F bomb is the only similarity. The prom has a different outcome with a joke that justifies the original movie’s choreographed dance number. Padgett makes a long-winded hypocritical speech about social media that can’t compete with Mean Girls. Matthew Lillard playing the principal and the song “Kiss Me” was the only highlight. He’s All That didn’t need to exist.

Padgett gives Cameron a makeover

Remake of: She’s All That

Girl Boss

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Little falls short. Though it holds an impressive record for the youngest executive producer of a Hollywood film. At 14 years old, Marsai Martin executive produced an idea that she pitched to Black·ish creator Kenya Barris when she was 10. Little is Big in reverse with a grown woman being transformed into her 13 year old self. 13 Going on 30 comes to mind for being gender-swapped, but it’s more like 17 Again with a much younger protagonist. It also has a predominantly black cast that deserved better material. The writing is cringe with too much modern dialogue and racial jokes that I expected in 2019. Regina Hall gets top-billing despite being replaced by Martin for most of the movie. Jordan Sanders is an unpleasant tech boss who chose to hurt people before they hurt her ever since she was bullied as a nerdy child.

Issa Rae is her long-suffering assistant April who’s too afraid to stand up to her. A magic loving girl from a donut truck wishes for Jordan to be little just for being mean. She wakes up with big natural hair and has to wear glasses again. The situation is inherently funny, but most of the jokes don’t land. Despite looking like a kids film with bright colors, the PG-13 innuendos made everything uncomfortable. Martin has the maturity to pull off the role, but not when it involves grown men that Jordan likes. Luke James plays Trevor who likes the idea of being a father when he mistakes Jordan for her daughter. April pretends to be Jordan’s auntie to cover for her when Rachel Dratch shows up as a Social Services agent demanding she attend school.

Jordan being forced to relive middle school almost made me laugh when April gives her a whoopin’ in public. Along with an underutilized Justin Hartley as her handsome teacher Mr. Marshall. She’s once again bullied by the popular girl, but a group of misfits befriend her. Devon is played by an unknown, but Thalia Tran and JD McCrary have bigger credits as Raina and Isaac respectively. Isaac is a good singer despite his stutter. Jordan grows by giving them self-confidence while April becomes the temporary boss at work. Tone Bell plays Preston who encourages her, but Mikey Day is overly critical as potential investor Connor. When Jordan finally learns her lesson, it takes longer than it should to wrap everything up. Little has little to offer outside of a breakout child star.

April and her boss Jordan

His Thoughts

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What Men Want is not what I want. A gender-swapped remake of What Women Want actually had promise when I first heard about it. As a man, I know our thoughts can be just as funny. Although What Men Want did well financially, reviews were more negative than mixed. I knew a 2019 comedy about a woman in a male dominated workplace would lean in a PC direction. What Men Want is also race-swapped, but they don’t lean into that as much as I thought they would. My biggest complaint is the R rating that relies on raunchy jokes and F bombs. Like the opposite of What Women Want, Adam Shankman is the white male director with two men and one black woman as screenwriters. Taraji P. Henson is perfectly cast as an aggressive sports agent who works harder than everyone else to get a promotion. Ali is surrounded by guys at Summit Worldwide Management that think she can’t connect to men.

Her friends throw her a ladies night with Tamala Jones as Mari who’s getting married, Phoebe Robinson as the already married Ciarra, and her white friend Wendi McLendon-Covey as Olivia who likes to remind everyone that she’s a born-again Christian. Even though she invites a weed dealing psychic named Sister played by a very unfunny Erykah Badu. Exotic tea and a bonk on the head at the club give her the power to hear men’s thoughts. Sometimes it’s amusing, but their often sexual or idiotic thoughts get old after awhile. Ali making the first move with a hunky guy in the elevator played by Kellan Lutz is funny until it takes an overly crude turn. Josh Brener is her overworked gay assistant Brandon who discovers her secret and wants to be an agent. An uncredited Pete Davidson is more annoying as the profane Danny who secretly likes Brandon. Brian Bosworth is her boss Nick who doesn’t really believe in her. Jason Jones has the same thoughts as Ethan, but Max Greenfield ends up actually supporting her as Kevin.

When she invites herself over to a men’s only poker night, she gets through to a potential draft pick. Tracy Morgan is exactly what you expect as Joe “Dolla” Barry who wants to sign his basketball playing son Jamal played by the mostly quiet Shane Paul McGhie. Several professional basketball players have cameos, but I only recognized Shaquille O’Neal. In order to appeal to Joe, she pretends to have a family with her one-night stand. Aldis Hodge is easily the most likable character as single father and bartender Will. A humorous psychic sex scene is one of the few similarities to the original. Will’s kid son Ben is a little weird, but we never hear his thoughts for some reason. Shaft himself Richard Roundtree brings the emotion as Ali’s widowed father Skip who opens up in his head. It’s ruined by an over-the-top wedding where Ali exposes multiple cheating partners. When she loses the power, she apologizes to the people she hurt, but decides to be her own boss. What Men Want isn’t completely off-base, but it lost me too many times.

Ali catches the football

Remake of: What Women Want

Her Thoughts

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What Women Want is what I want from a Nancy Meyers rom-com. Making it the 4th highest grossing film of 2000. What Women Want asks the question, what if a man suddenly gained the ability to hear a woman’s thoughts? I could certainly use that power to understand women better, but I knew the concept had plenty of comedic potential. Although I found What Women Want to be hilarious, I can imagine some women being offended by it. Reviews were mixed even though Nancy Meyers is the director. Though she didn’t write the screenplay, it was still written by two women and one man. Mel Gibson is perfectly cast as a male chauvinist pig who flirts with any woman he comes across. The same year he played his son in The Patriot, Logan Lerman played the young Nick who was raised by his Las Vegas showgirl mother, the half-naked dancers who loved him, and sexist male gamblers.

Nick encounters tons of women in his daily life and workplace as an ad executive at Sloane Curtis. Mark Feuerstein is Nick’s equally sleazy co-worker Morgan and Alan Alda is his boss Dan Wanamaker who hires a woman in his place to appeal to the growing female demographic. Darcy Maguire is built up like a difficult boss, but Helen Hunt proves to be fun when she challenges everyone to create an ad for a box of women’s products. Gibson proves to be up for anything when Nick makes the weird decision to try on every product. Getting electrocuted in a bathtub is what gives him the power to hear the thoughts of all women. Including a French Poodle for some reason. Nick is understandably overwhelmed at first, but his therapist played by an uncredited Bette Midler tells him to take advantage of the situation.

The cast of women is impressive for 2000. Marisa Tomei is the attractive yet eccentric aspiring actress Lola who works at a coffee shop and turns down Nick’s advances, but secretly thinks about hooking up with him. Sarah Paulson is Nick’s secretary Annie who hates him as much as most of the women he works with. Lisa Edelstein and Ana Gasteyer are a few of his female co-workers that think that. Aside from Delta Burke and Valerie Perrine as his yes-women Eve and Margo who have no thoughts. Diana-Maria Riva is Nick’s housekeeper Stella who makes her thoughts clear in the beginning, while Loretta Devine is sexually aggressive as his doorwoman Flo. Darcy is a lot nicer when Nick hears her thoughts of uncertainty that he makes the mistake of taking advantage of to further his own career with an important Nike advertisement.

Of course they fall in love when Nick becomes a lot more sensitive. As funny as it is, Judy Greer plays suicidal copy girl Erin that Nick helps out. His power also gives him a chance to bond with his estranged teenage daughter. Lauren Holly is Nick’s ex-wife Gigi that he never hears the thoughts of since she’s on a honeymoon with her new husband. A young Ashley Johnson plays Alex who hates her father until he offers to buy her a prom dress. He tries to convince her not to hook up with her older boyfriend Cameron played by Eric Balfour, but she doesn’t listen until he loses the power to read thoughts. His reconciliation with Darcy is a bit messy since the movie is about 2 hours too long. What Women Want succeeds thanks to a fun concept with more depth than it’s given credit for.

Nick listens to a woman’s thoughts