Why People Need to See Where They’re Going

At A2B, we were building great software.

The team was talented.

Execution was strong.

People cared deeply about doing good work.

Yet beneath the surface, I kept noticing something.

The company was the result of two different histories coming together.

One side of the business was deeply focused on payments.

The other was focused on moving people.

In many ways, that same tension appeared throughout the organisation.

Payments were easier to measure.

Easier to report.

Easier to connect to revenue.

The feedback loop was short.

Moving people was different.

The feedback loop was longer.

The outcomes were harder to quantify.

The more time I spent at A2B, the more I noticed a subtle question sitting underneath many of our discussions.

Were we in the business of payments?

Or were we in the business of moving people?

The answer mattered.

Because where you think you’re going shapes every decision you make along the way.

The products you build.

The problems you prioritise.

The opportunities you pursue.

The trade-offs you make.

The more I reflected on that question, the more I kept coming back to something simple.

We weren’t fundamentally in the business of payments.

We were in the business of moving people.

That’s what our brand represented.

Moving people from A to B.

Only then helping them pay for the ride.

My team was responsible for the in-vehicle experience.

We owned software that powered more than 90% of taxi journeys across Australia.

That was our moat.

That was our advantage.

That was what differentiated us.

Not payments.

Movement.

The challenge wasn’t capability.

The challenge was alignment.

I needed the team to see what mattered most.

Not because I wanted everyone to think the same way.

Because I wanted everyone moving in the same direction.

So instead of talking about features.

Roadmaps.

Milestones.

Or priorities.

I spent more time talking about the future.

The experience we wanted customers to have.

The industry we wanted to help create.

The role our products could play.

Something interesting happened.

The more clearly people could see the destination, the easier decisions became.

Priorities became clearer.

Trade-offs became easier.

Discussions improved.

Momentum increased.

The destination hadn’t changed.

The people hadn’t changed.

What changed was their understanding.

That’s when i realised something.

People need to see the destination before they can choose the direction.

Why Alignment Is Difficult

Many leaders assume alignment comes from direction.

Set the priorities.

Define the roadmap.

Assign the work.

Track the progress.

But people rarely align around instructions.

People align around understanding.

When the destination is unclear, every decision becomes harder.

Every trade-off becomes harder.

Every disagreement becomes harder.

Because people are trying to move in different directions at the same time.

Vision Creates Alignment

A clear vision does something powerful.

It creates a shared picture of the future.

People start seeing the same destination.

And once that happens, many decisions become easier.

Not because everyone thinks the same way.

Because everyone understands where they are trying to go.

The destination becomes shared.

The path remains open for discussion.

Direction Becomes Easier

Many people think vision and direction are the same thing.

I’m increasingly convinced they are different.

Vision answers:

Where are we going?

Direction answers:

How do we get there?

When people don’t understand the destination, direction often feels arbitrary.

When the destination is understood, direction becomes much easier to discuss.

Much easier to evaluate.

And much easier to commit to.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help leaders create alignment.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

When we understand, alignment begins to emerge.

And alignment helps people move in the same direction.

Vision becomes a source of cohesion rather than confusion.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I thought vision and direction were the same thing.

Now I’m not so sure.

Vision is about the destination.

Direction is about how we get there.

People need to see where they are going before they can decide how to get there.

And when people understand the destination, alignment becomes much easier to create.

Your Turn

How has having a clearer picture of the future changed the way you make decisions today?​‌

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

The Right Amount of Friction Helps Teams Grow

At Service NSW, one of our most senior engineers left the team.

For many of the engineers, he had been a technical anchor.

Someone they looked to for guidance.

Someone whose perspective helped shape decisions.

After he left, a different dynamic began to emerge.

The two most senior engineers who remained started expressing their own ways of thinking more visibly.

One was naturally more reflective.

Focused on getting the right thing done.

The other was naturally more action-oriented.

Focused on getting things done.

The differences created tension.

And over time, that tension began to express itself as friction.

Initially, I let it play out.

Partly because I wanted both engineers to develop their own identities.

Partly because I believed the differences could benefit the team.

Different perspectives often expose different blind spots.

But over time, I started noticing that the friction was becoming more visible.

Not enough to become destructive.

But enough that it needed attention.

Before discussing the friction, I wanted us to focus on something else.

What were we all trying to achieve?

A great experience for our customers.

A great team.

Work that mattered to the community we were serving.

It didn’t take long for us to realise something.

The goals were shared.

The perspectives were different.

Only then did we talk about the friction.

I shared a simple observation.

A team is a bit like a car.

With too much friction, it cannot move.

Without friction, it cannot move either.

The right amount of friction is what allows it to move forward.

The more I reflected on that idea, the more I realised something.

The right amount of friction isn’t determined by the leader.

It’s determined by the people experiencing it.

The same friction can feel energising to one person.

And limiting to another.

That’s why healthy friction is not a team property.

It’s a human experience.

The important question isn’t:

Is friction present?

The important question is:

Is the friction helping me grow?

As we continued talking, something changed.

The similarities became more visible than the differences.

The friction didn’t disappear.

But it became productive.

The reflective thinking helped us avoid mistakes.

The action-oriented thinking helped us maintain momentum.

The different perspectives challenged assumptions.

Exposed blind spots.

Considered alternatives.

And ultimately helped us make better decisions.

That’s when i realised something.

Healthy teams are not frictionless teams.

They are teams that know how to use friction productively.

Why Teams Drift Apart

Most teams don’t fragment overnight.

They fragment gradually.

One disagreement at a time.

One misunderstanding at a time.

One assumption at a time.

Over time, the differences become more visible than the similarities.

People start to identify with:

Their role.

Their discipline.

Their perspective.

Their priorities.

And slowly forget what brought them together in the first place.

Shared Purpose Creates Cohesion

When teams focus on similarities first, something interesting happens.

Understanding begins to emerge.

Trust begins to emerge.

Cohesion begins to emerge.

Not because everyone thinks the same way.

Because everyone understands what they are trying to achieve together.

A strong team does not require identical thinking.

A strong team requires shared purpose.

Productive Friction Creates Better Teams

Many leaders try to eliminate friction.

I’m increasingly convinced that’s the wrong goal.

Without friction:

• ideas go unchallenged.
• blind spots remain hidden.
• assumptions survive unquestioned.

Some friction is necessary.

The challenge is creating an environment where friction enables growth rather than limits it.

Where differences become a source of learning rather than division.

Where disagreement strengthens the team instead of fragmenting it.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES -
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help teams grow.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

When we then focus on differences, we learn.

And learning helps teams evolve.

Friction becomes a source of growth rather than fragmentation.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I assumed the best teams were the ones with the least friction.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think the best teams are the ones that learn how to use friction well.

Because with too much friction, teams struggle to move.

Without friction, teams struggle to move too.

With the right amount of friction, teams learn.

With enough learning, teams grow.

And with enough growth, teams move forward.

Your Turn

How has realising that friction was helping you grow changed the way you think about conflict?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

Why People Move Toward Some Futures And Not Others

For a long time, I thought friction was the biggest barrier to change.

The harder something felt, the less likely people were to do it.

The more complicated the process, the more resistance it created.

The more effort required, the less movement occurred.

It seemed obvious.

Reduce friction.

Increase progress.

At least, that’s what I thought.

Then I heard a story that made me question that assumption.

The Doctor Problem

During a conversation with a behavioral scientist, I heard about a group of patients who repeatedly described their doctors as poor, yet continued seeing the same doctors.

At first glance, the behaviour seemed irrational.

If your doctor is bad, why not find a better doctor?

Most people assume the answer is convenience.

Or habit.

Or inertia.

The real answer was more interesting.

Many of these patients had never experienced a good doctor.

Their experiences with healthcare had consistently been disappointing.

As a result, they were not choosing between a bad doctor and a good doctor.

They were choosing between one bad doctor and another bad doctor.

A good doctor did not exist within their frame of reference.

When they encountered a bad doctor, they didn’t think:

I should find a better one.

Instead, they thought:

Good doctors don’t exist.

The destination itself felt unimaginable.

That’s when i realised something.

People don’t move toward destinations they don’t believe exist.

Beyond Friction

Most discussions about learning and change focus on friction.

We assume people already believe the destination is real.

The challenge is simply helping them get there.

We talk about:

• effort,
• complexity,
• inconvenience,
• uncertainty.

In other words:

The destination exists. The path is difficult.

But the doctor story suggests something different.

Sometimes people don’t resist because the path is difficult.

Sometimes they don’t move because they don’t believe the destination exists at all.

The challenge is no longer effort.

The challenge is belief.

The Rubber Band

The same conversation introduced me to a concept that immediately resonated.

Imagine a rubber band.

If it sits completely relaxed, nothing moves.

There is no pull.

No tension.

No reason to change.

If it is stretched too far, it snaps back.

The tension becomes counterproductive.

Only within a certain range does tension produce useful movement.

Learning, growth, and change may work in much the same way.

Tension and Friction

The more I reflected on the doctor’s story, the more I began distinguishing between tension and friction.

Tension pulls.

Friction resists.

A person who believes a better future is possible experiences tension.

There is something drawing them forward.

A person who doesn’t believe that future exists experiences neither tension nor friction.

There is simply no reason to move.

Nothing is pulling them forward.

This led me to a simple idea.

Differences create tension.

Tension creates learning.

Without tension, there is no movement.

Without movement, friction is irrelevant.

Signal Distance

Learning 101 uses the concept of Signal Distance to describe the distance between a new idea and an existing frame of reference.

When Signal Distance is very low, everything feels familiar.

Understanding comes easily.

But there may be little reason to change.

The idea creates comfort rather than growth.

When Signal Distance is very high, the destination begins to feel unrealistic.

Unattainable.

Imaginary.

Again, movement disappears.

Not because the idea is difficult.

Because the idea is no longer believable.

The most productive learning may occur somewhere in between.

A place where the new idea is:

• familiar enough to feel attainable,
• different enough to create curiosity,
• close enough to feel possible,
• far enough to create growth.

A place where the destination feels believable.

And the differences feel meaningful.

A place where tension exists, but remains productive.

The Learning Framework

Learning 101 is built on a simple principle.

Similarities create understanding.

Differences create learning.

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

Similarities create understanding.

Understanding creates belief.

Belief allows us to engage with differences.

Differences create tension.

Tension creates learning.

Learning refines what we understand.

Too much similarity may create comfort without growth.

Too much difference may create distance without belief.

Growth may live somewhere in between.

A place where the differences are large enough to create tension.

But close enough to remain believable.

A Different Way To Think About Change

When introducing a new idea, a new behaviour, or a new way of working, perhaps the challenge is not simply to reduce friction.

Perhaps the challenge is first to create the right amount of tension.

Enough familiarity that people can imagine the destination.

Enough difference that they feel motivated to move toward it.

Not so little that nothing changes.

Not so much that the destination feels impossible.

Just enough tension to create movement.

Final Thought

For a long time, I thought friction was the key variable.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think tension may come before friction.

Differences create tension.

Tension creates movement.

Friction determines how difficult that movement becomes.

Without tension, nothing starts.

Without movement, friction is irrelevant.

If that’s true, then one of the most important responsibilities of a teacher, leader, coach, manager, parent, or product designer may not be removing friction.

It may be creating the right amount of tension.

Because before people move toward a destination, they must first believe it exists.

And before they believe it exists, they must first be able to imagine it.

Your Turn

When have you realised that something you were resisting was actually helping you grow?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

How to Disagree Productively

At ING, a major feature launch was approaching.

For the first time, customers would be able to open a bank account directly from the mobile app.

The feature wasn’t performing as well as we hoped.

The launch date was approaching.

The television advertising campaign had already been filmed.

The television spots had already been booked weeks in advance.

Delaying the launch would be difficult.

The pressure was real.

The team immediately started discussing solutions.

I believed preloading was the answer.

Some developers believed a different rendering engine would deliver greater improvements.

The disagreement was real.

But before discussing solutions, we agreed on something more important.

A fast customer experience.

A successful launch.

A feature customers would love using.

The goal was shared.

The approach was different.

Instead of arguing endlessly, we decided to experiment.

Part of the team explored preloading.

Part of the team explored the new rendering engine.

The results arrived quickly.

And they surprised me.

The rendering engine approach performed significantly better than my preferred solution.

Once we had the evidence, alignment happened naturally.

The entire team got behind the stronger solution.

We implemented it.

We tested it.

We refined it.

And we delivered the feature before the television campaign went live.

That’s when i realised something.

The best place to start a disagreement is with what you agree on.

Why Disagreements Become Difficult

Most disagreements begin with differences.

Different opinions.

Different priorities.

Different assumptions.

Different solutions.

Different conclusions.

The more we focus on the differences, the larger the disagreement often becomes.

Eventually, people stop discussing ideas.

And start defending positions.

Shared Understanding Changes Everything

When we begin with shared goals, something interesting happens.

Understanding appears.

Trust increases.

Curiosity grows.

People become more willing to listen.

More willing to explore alternatives.

More willing to be wrong.

Not because the disagreement disappears.

Because the disagreement now exists inside a shared context.

The goal is no longer:

Win the argument.

The goal becomes:

Find the best outcome.

Productive Disagreement Starts With Agreement

Many people assume agreement is the result of productive disagreement.

I’ve increasingly come to believe the opposite.

Productive disagreement often begins with agreement.

Agreement about:

• What we’re trying to achieve.
• Why it matters.
• What success looks like.
• Who we are trying to help.

Once those similarities are understood, differences become easier to explore.

And disagreements become far more productive.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help us disagree productively.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

When we then focus on differences, we learn.

And sometimes we discover better solutions.

Disagreement becomes a source of insight rather than conflict.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I assumed disagreement was something to overcome.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think disagreement can be incredibly valuable.

But only when it starts in the right place.

With shared goals.

With shared intent.

With shared understanding.

Because the best place to start a disagreement is often with what you already agree on.

Your Turn

How has discovering similarities changed the way you think about disagreement?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

Helping People Understand Before They Improve

At A2B Australia, we were working on a vision that had the potential to revolutionize the industry.

Every opportunity I had, I tried to communicate that vision and strategy to the team.

The Scrum Master would often ask questions.

Lots of questions.

Questions about assumptions.

Questions about priorities.

Questions about outcomes.

Questions about how the vision would work in practice.

Initially, I found it frustrating.

Every time I thought I had explained the vision clearly, another question appeared.

I started focusing on the difference.

I wanted the team to embrace the vision.

He kept questioning it.

At least, that’s how it seemed.

Over time, I started thinking about providing feedback.

I wanted to tell him to stop asking so many questions.

In my mind, the problem was obvious.

Then a transformation coach challenged us to see the situation through each other’s eyes.

At first, I thought that would be difficult.

I was focused on the questions.

He was focused on asking them.

But as we explored our perspectives, something interesting happened.

The similarities started to emerge.

We both believed in the vision.

We both wanted to revolutionize the industry.

We both wanted the team to do great work.

We both wanted people to understand why the work mattered.

The more similarities I discovered, the more my interpretation changed.

THAT’S WHEN I REALISED SOMETHING.

He wasn’t questioning the vision.

He believed in the vision.

He wasn’t challenging the strategy.

He was creating a platform to expand the discussion.

A platform to create even greater understanding.

For me.

And for the team.

His questions weren’t pulling people away from the vision.

They were helping people engage with it.

The feedback I thought I needed to give completely changed.

I no longer wanted to tell him to stop asking questions.

If anything, I thought there was an opportunity to make his intent more visible by first reinforcing the vision before expanding it through questions.

But by then, that wasn’t the most important lesson.

The most important lesson was this:

I had misunderstood his intent.

Why Feedback Often Fails

Most feedback begins with differences.

What needs to change.

What isn’t working.

What could be improved.

What someone should do differently.

The problem is that people rarely experience feedback the way we intend it.

When we focus exclusively on differences, people often hear criticism rather than support.

Correction rather than collaboration.

Judgment rather than understanding.

Similarities Before Differences

The best feedback experiences I’ve had started somewhere else.

Shared goals.

Shared intentions.

Shared aspirations.

Shared outcomes.

Before discussing what was different, we established what was already similar.

Once that understanding existed, improvement became much easier to discuss.

Not because the differences disappeared.

Because they were no longer the only thing we could see.

Shared Intent Changes Everything

When we discover shared intent, behaviour often looks different.

Resistance can become engagement.

Questioning can become curiosity.

Conflict can become collaboration.

What initially appears to be opposition is sometimes an attempt to achieve the very same outcome.

Just through a different approach.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help us give feedback.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

And when we understand one another, feedback becomes easier to receive.

The differences still matter.

They’re often where the learning happens.

But understanding arrives first.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I thought great feedback was mostly about identifying what needed to change.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think great feedback starts somewhere earlier.

With understanding.

Because once people feel understood, they become more willing to improve.

And sometimes, understanding reveals that what looked like disagreement was actually alignment all along.

Your Turn

When has understanding someone’s intent completely changed how you interpreted their behaviour?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

How Relationships Grow Faster Than We Expect

Long before I met my spouse, I dreamed about moving to Australia.

I imagined it.

I analysed it.

I planned for it.

I talked about it.

The dream became so well known among my friends that, when I graduated, they got together and gave me a set of luggage and a congratulatory message written on the back of a map of Australia.

It was a lifelong dream, but still just a dream.

Then I met the person who would become my spouse.

As we got to know each other, I shared that dream with her.

Where I tended to reflect and analyse, she tended to act.

Where I saw questions, she often saw possibilities.

Where I was inclined to keep refining the plan, she was inclined to start moving.

Then one day, the conversation changed.

Instead of discussing the dream, she challenged it.

Why don’t we just do it?

And then it became our dream.

A few months later, we were in Australia.

Nearly twenty years later, Australia is still home.

It’s where my wife and I built our life.

It’s where we started and raised our family.

It’s where many of our dreams became reality.

Looking back, it’s easy to focus on how different we were.

She was naturally a “go get it” person.

I was naturally a “let’s reflect and analyse” person.

Initially, I loved that difference.

In many ways, it was one of the things that attracted me to her.

She helped me move.

I helped her reflect.

We balanced each other.

Over time, however, that same difference started creating tension.

She wanted movement and results.

I wanted perfection and certainty.

The difference that once felt complementary sometimes felt frustrating.

For a while, I became increasingly focused on the difference.

And the tension gradually turned into conflict.

In doing so, I lost sight of what sat underneath it.

Then something changed.

I started focusing on our similarities again.

The values we shared.

The goals we shared.

The future we were trying to build together.

We both wanted adventure.

We both wanted opportunity.

We both wanted a meaningful life.

We both wanted the best possible future for our family.

The similarities were deeper than the differences.

The goal was shared.

The approach was different.

The difference didn’t disappear.

But I experienced it differently.

The difference that once created conflict eventually became our source of growth.

That’s when I realised something.

Relationships don’t grow because we eliminate differences.

They grow because we discover common ground.

Common Ground Creates Connection

For years, I assumed compatibility meant having fewer differences.

Lately, I’ve become increasingly convinced the opposite is true.

The strongest relationships I know aren’t built on identical personalities.

Or identical interests.

Or identical opinions.

They’re built on shared values.

Shared goals.

Shared commitments.

Shared meaning.

In other words:

Common ground.

When we discover similarities, something interesting happens.

Understanding begins to emerge.

Connection begins to emerge.

Trust begins to emerge.

Not because people become the same.

Because they begin to understand each other.

The differences don’t disappear.

They simply stop being the only thing we can see.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help us build relationships.

When we focus on similarities first, we connect and understand.

When we then focus on differences, we learn and grow.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I thought strong relationships were built by reducing differences.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think they begin somewhere else.

With common ground.

Because common ground creates connection.

And connection helps relationships grow.

Your Turn

What’s a relationship that became stronger once you discovered the common ground underneath your differences?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

Understanding Before Agreement

In 2019, shortly after joining A2B Australia, I was called into a meeting with a senior executive.

I still remember that meeting vividly.

At the time, it felt like we disagreed about everything.

Different priorities.

Different expectations.

Different conclusions.

The differences seemed overwhelming.

Initially, I kept replaying the conversation in my head.

Then I tried something different.

Every time I had the opportunity, I stopped by his office and said hello.

Sometimes the conversation lasted a few seconds.

Sometimes much longer.

But I deliberately avoided our disagreements.

Instead, we talked about the things we were both trying to achieve.

Satisfied customers.

Better outcomes.

A stronger business.

Teams performing well.

The more we talked, the more similarities I discovered.

And the more similarities I discovered, the easier our conversations became.

That’s when I realised something.

Great conversations don’t begin with agreement.

They begin with similarities.

And similarities create understanding.

Why Conversations Get Stuck

When conversations become difficult, our attention is naturally drawn to differences.

Different opinions.

Different priorities.

Different experiences.

Different beliefs.

Different conclusions.

The differences dominate the conversation.

And understanding becomes difficult.

Ironically, many of us try to create understanding by discussing our differences.

But understanding rarely starts there.

Great Conversations Start Somewhere Else

The best conversations I’ve experienced often began with common ground.

A shared goal.

A shared outcome.

A shared concern.

A shared aspiration.

A shared problem.

Once that understanding existed, the differences became much easier to discuss.

Not because the differences disappeared.

Because they were no longer the only thing we could see.

Common Ground Creates Great Conversations

For years, I assumed great conversations created common ground.

Lately, I’ve become increasingly convinced the opposite is true.

Common ground creates great conversations.

When we discover similarities, understanding begins to emerge.

Once understanding exists, people become more willing to listen.

More willing to explore.

More willing to learn.

The conversation changes.

Not because everyone agrees.

Because everyone understands.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The similarities create understanding.

The differences create learning.

The same principle that helps us learn also helps us communicate.

When we focus on similarities first, we connect and understand.

And understanding creates common ground.

When we then focus on differences, we learn and grow.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

A Practical Challenge

The next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, resist the temptation to start with your disagreement.

Instead ask:

• What are we both trying to achieve?
• What do we both care about?
• What outcome do we both want?
• Where is the common ground?

You may discover that productive conversations become much easier.

Final Thought

For years, I thought great conversations were mostly about communication skills.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think they start somewhere earlier.

They start with understanding.

And understanding often begins with common ground.

Because common ground is built on similarities.

And common ground creates great conversations.

The best relationships often start the same way.

Your Turn

What’s the most effective way you’ve found to create common ground with someone you disagree with?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

The Hidden Power of Shared Experiences

Over the course of my career, I’ve worked in consulting, banking, building automation, logistics, transport, real estate, pet food, and government.

Every move felt like entering a new world.

Different industries.

Different products.

Different customers.

Different terminology.

Different ways of working.

And, of course, different people.

I’ve worked with engineers, designers, bankers, drivers, developers, customer service agents, executives, pet lovers, government employees, and countless others.

Initially, I assumed the people would be just as different as everything else.

Then I started noticing something.

Regardless of industry, role, or background, most people wanted remarkably similar things.

To provide for their families.

To be respected.

To build a better future.

To do meaningful work.

To learn and grow.

To make a contribution.

The industries changed.

The people were far more similar than I expected.

In many ways, they were trying to achieve the same things I was.

That’s when i realised something.

People are often far more similar than they first appear.

Why Connection Often Feels Difficult

When we meet someone for the first time, the differences are usually obvious.

Different backgrounds.

Different experiences.

Different beliefs.

Different roles.

Different perspectives.

Different personalities.

The similarities are harder to see.

They usually need to be discovered.

As a result, many people assume connection is difficult.

Lately, I’ve become increasingly convinced the opposite is true.

Shared Experiences Are Everywhere

Most people have experienced:

Success.

Failure.

Uncertainty.

Disappointment.

Growth.

Change.

Hope.

Fear.

Not always in the same circumstances.

But often in surprisingly similar ways.

The stories may differ.

The human experience often does not.

The Hidden Power of Similarities

Connection rarely begins when we discover our differences.

It usually begins when we discover something familiar.

A shared challenge.

A shared goal.

A shared experience.

A shared aspiration.

Something that reminds us:

This person is not as different as I thought.

When that happens, understanding begins to emerge.

And understanding often creates connection.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The same principle that helps us learn can also help us connect.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

And when we understand one another, we connect.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Final Thought

For years, I assumed connection was something we created.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think connection is something we discover.

And it often begins by discovering something that was already there.

A shared experience.

A shared challenge.

A shared aspiration.

A shared humanity.

Because people are often far more similar than they first appear.

Your Turn

How has discovering similarities changed the way you see people who are different from you?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The first ten episodes explored how this principle applies to learning.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how it applies to communication, relationships, leadership, negotiation, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

The Most Important Distinction I Know

A few years ago, while trying to understand Agile, I made a mistake.

I thought I needed to learn Agile.

So I started with the differences.

Sprints.

Stand-ups.

Product Backlogs.

Story Points.

Retrospectives.

Scrum.

The more I explored those differences, the more confused I became.

I felt like everyone else had received a manual that I was missing.

Then I asked a different question:

How is Agile similar to Waterfall?

Suddenly things started making sense.

Both involved customers.

Both involved creating value.

Both involved planning.

Both involved building solutions.

The similarities created understanding.

Only then could I appreciate the differences.

Only then could I begin learning.

I thought I needed to learn Agile.

What I actually needed was to understand it first.

At the time, I didn’t realize there was a difference.

For years, I treated understanding and learning as though they were the same thing.

Now I’m no longer sure.

In fact, the more I’ve reflected on the ideas explored throughout Learning 101, the more I’ve come to believe that understanding and learning are distinct processes.

Related.

Connected.

Often inseparable.

But not the same.

And Agile wasn’t the only time I noticed this pattern.

I saw it when learning AI.

An analogy helped me understand AI agents long before I learned how they worked.

I saw it when changing industries.

Understanding the familiar patterns inside ING came before learning what made banking different.

I saw it in teaching.

Great teachers seemed to create understanding before introducing complexity.

I saw it in difficult conversations.

Common ground created understanding before differences became useful.

Different situations.

Different domains.

The same pattern.

Understanding the similarities first.

Learning the differences second.

And that pattern may be one of the most important discoveries I’ve made about learning.

Understanding and Learning Are Not The Same

Most people use the words interchangeably.

I know I did.

But the more I reflect on learning, the more I think they describe different things.

Understanding happens when we focus on the similarities and discover familiarity.

Learning happens when we focus on the differences and explore complexity.

Understanding helps us make sense of something.

Learning helps us expand it.

Understanding helps us see where things fit.

Learning helps us discover what is different.

Understanding gives us stability.

Learning gives us growth.

We need both.

But they don’t seem to happen at the same time.

First we understand the similarities.

Then we learn the differences.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The similarities create familiarity.

Familiarity drives understanding.

That is why the similarities create understanding.

The differences create complexity.

Complexity drives learning.

That is why the differences create learning.

Understanding prepares us to learn.

Learning helps us refine our understanding.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

When we then focus on differences, we learn.

Why We Often Confuse Them

Part of the reason understanding and learning feel identical is that they often happen close together.

So close together that it’s easy to miss the distinction.

But consider what happens when someone gives you a powerful analogy.

Nothing new has really been learned yet.

And yet something clicks.

You understand.

Or consider the opposite.

Sometimes we encounter a difference that challenges what we thought we knew.

Learning begins immediately.

But understanding temporarily decreases.

The old explanation stops working before a new one emerges.

Those moments suggest that understanding and learning are related.

But not identical.

A Different Way To Think About Learning

Before, I assumed the process looked something like this:

NEW THING
↓
LEARNING
↓
UNDERSTANDING

Now I think it looks more like this:

NEW THING
↓
SIMILARITIES
↓
UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
LEARNING

Understanding prepares us to learn.

Learning builds upon understanding.

Understanding reduces complexity.

Learning explores what remains.

The Hidden Theme of Learning 101

Looking back, every episode in this series has explored a different part of the same idea.

Questions help us discover similarities.

Great teachers start with similarities.

Analogies help us find similarities.

Common ground helps us discover similarities.

Complexity often hides similarities.

Experts often forget to start with similarities.

And similarities create understanding.

Everything seems to lead back to the same place.

Understanding.

Final Thought

Before, I thought understanding and learning were the same thing.

Now I think understanding comes first.

Understanding creates a foundation.

Learning builds upon it.

Understanding gives us stability.

Learning gives us growth.

We need both.

But when we reverse the order, we make both understanding and learning far harder than they need to be.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Your Turn

What is something you understood long before you truly learned it?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how this principle applies to learning, communication, relationships, leadership, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.

Why Knowing More Can Make Teaching Harder

When I first started learning Agile, I was struggling to make sense of it.

I read articles.

I attended training.

I spoke to people who had been doing Agile for years.

The more I tried to understand it, the more confused I became.

So I did what most people do when they want to learn something new.

I asked experts.

The problem was that the more they explained Agile, the less I understood it.

Sprint Planning.

Daily Stand-ups.

Product Backlogs.

Story Points.

Velocity.

Retrospectives.

Kanban.

Scrum.

The terminology seemed endless.

Every explanation introduced another concept.

Every concept introduced another difference.

The more I listened, the more Agile felt like a completely different world.

Initially, I assumed the problem was me.

Everyone else seemed to understand Agile.

I was the one struggling to connect the pieces.

I began wondering what everyone else could see that I couldn’t.

Then I stopped asking what made Agile different.

And started asking a different question.

How is Agile similar to Waterfall?

Suddenly everything started making sense.

Planning still existed.

Requirements still existed.

Design still existed.

Development still existed.

Testing still existed.

Delivery still existed.

The differences were real.

But so were the similarities.

And for the first time, I understood what Agile actually was.

Nothing had changed about Agile.

The only thing that had changed was where I started.

It wasn’t a completely new world.

It was a familiar world that was different in some important ways.

That’s when I realised something.

Experts often start with differences.

Beginners usually need similarities.

Why Experts Teach Backwards

The longer we spend learning something, the more differences we notice.

An expert sees distinctions.

Nuances.

Exceptions.

Edge cases.

Details.

That’s often what makes them an expert.

The problem is that beginners don’t see the world the same way.

They don’t have a frame of reference yet.

They don’t have enough familiarity to make sense of the differences.

When experts begin with differences, they unintentionally increase complexity.

When beginners begin with similarities, they create familiarity.

And familiarity drives understanding.

The Curse of Expertise

One of the challenges of becoming an expert is that it becomes harder to remember what it felt like to be a beginner.

The things that now seem obvious once felt unfamiliar.

The things that now seem simple once seemed complex.

Experts often forget the bridge they used to cross from confusion to understanding.

As a result, they sometimes explain the destination instead of showing the bridge.

Great Teachers Remember The Bridge

The best teachers do something different.

Before they explain how something is different, they explain how it is similar.

Before they introduce complexity, they create familiarity.

Before they ask people to learn, they help people understand.

They remember the bridge.

That is why analogies are so powerful.

That is why common ground matters.

That is why similarities matter.

That’s why I keep coming back to a simple principle:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

The Learning Framework

FOCUS ON
SIMILARITIES FIRST,
THEN DIFFERENCES
─────────────────

SIMILARITIES
↓
familiarity → UNDERSTANDING
↓
DIFFERENCES
↓
complexity → LEARNING
↓
REFINEMENT ↺

The similarities create familiarity.

Familiarity drives understanding.

That is why the similarities create understanding.

The differences create complexity.

Complexity drives learning.

That is why the differences create learning.

When we focus on similarities first, we understand.

When we then focus on differences, we learn.

A Practical Challenge

The next time someone explains something that feels complicated, try asking:

• What is this similar to?
• What do I already understand?
• What remains the same?
• What familiar pattern am I missing?

You may discover that understanding appears much faster than expected.

Final Thought

For years, I thought great teachers were great because they knew more.

Now I’m not so sure.

I think great teachers are great because they remember what it feels like to know less.

They remember the bridge between confusion and understanding.

And that bridge is often built from similarities.

Because experts see differences.

But beginners usually need similarities first.

Your Turn

What’s something an expert made harder than it needed to be?

I’d love to hear your examples in the comments.

Learning 101 is an exploration of a simple idea:

Focus on similarities first, then differences.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll explore how this principle applies to learning, communication, relationships, leadership, AI, innovation, and many other domains.

If you’d like to follow the Learning 101 journey, follow me on Medium.