Life – Back Country Thoughts

The humanity of being human and the horse that could Go. Part one.

As that big fellow hit the ground, I knew he was going to hurt for a week… if he hadn’t just broke something. My partner and I, who had working real hard to make sure that horse didn’t do THAT, couldn’t help but grow a big smile. If hadn’t been who it was, we’d having laughed out loud, (It’s a strange thing about cowboy humor, not all people appreciate it, and this fellow would have been one).

It’s kinda a considered courtesy out west, when a fellow falls off his horse, to wait a bit. It’s seems best to let a fellow catch his breath, find his hat and dust himself off before you ride over and ask the question “what happened?, trying to seem ignorant to the foolishness you just witnessed .

It slowly became apparent that no medical attention would be needed immediately. My partner pulled it together enough to ride off after that Arab horse, that was still circling the arena dragging this man’s saddle.

I just pulled my hat down a bit and moved my horse to intercept his wife and daughter (in hopes of keeping them from being run down by their traumatized horse), who were trotting afoot across the dust to the seen of wreck.

I personally hate these times. We work so hard to created a relaxed and willing horse that a person can take home and have a great relationship with for a long time. Having to ride up there and seem empathetic, and come up with something other than “I tried to tell you…”, always goes against my being human.

It’s always a bit awkward to set there and not look smug, when you just spent forty-five minutes showing your clients what we do and don’t do at this stage of training. And why we do and don’t do with your horse. And even ride the horse in front of you, in relaxed and willing way.

This is where we find a great conflict between the reality of our created humanity, and our being human.

Seeing that I’m very good at making a short story long, I will endeavor to not to fall in any proverbial gopher holes in this conversation.

I got a call one evening from a lady that was wanting my services in starting a five-year old Arabian gelding, it was a normal visit with the usual, “never been rode… didn’t know much about him…. Seems like a nice enough horse…Her daughter and her were hoping to take up competitive trail riding.

I listened and quoted a price for the first month, which she replied with a hint of excitement, was a fair deal. She said that she lived on very large cattle ranch, that I was quite familiar with, some three hours north and would be there by noon cash in hand.

(Now let us just look in this conversational gopher hole for just a minute without stepping in.)

This ranch that she said she lived on was a big rough outfit. They had more cattle, land and horses than most people will see in a lifetime. Those boys that made their living there, were born with spurs on. They ate their breakfast on a the back of a bucken horse, and ate suppers on a back of a gentle one. So I quickly surmised that they were “horse people“.

She and her daughter arrived the next day in a timely manner. And commenced to unload this tall, narrow, bay Arabian gelding. Bigger than life itself and feeling he was worth it. Not surprisingly they called him “King”.

They were both very nice and eager for me to work with their horse. It was rather apparent that there were somewhat fearful of this thousand bounds of uncontrolled energy, and justifiably so. I did make such to explain to them that 30 days of working with him, may not be enough time to create the confidence in him to be rode safely. But they were welcome to come out and see what we were working on. And we could asses where he was at mentally, and if they wanted me to keep working with him.

As a trainer I try to find out what the horse is interested in and begin teaching off of that talent. It was not hard to find out what King was good at. He wanted to GO. He was created to GO, GO everywhere, anywhere, fast and furiously, with complete confidence. Where he was, was where he was supposed to be. He rocked his world and everybody needed to know that.

This youngest was living the dream, and having a person on his back had nothing to do with it. And to boot you could not wear him out. He was going to be an awesome endurance competitor, if you could ever get on his back and point him in the right direction.

And so with hope of creating awareness of the existence of a human being, sneak in some relationship through leadership, we went to doing what he did best GO. You could sneak a rope halter on his if you distracted him with an apple, but that was it.

So just on foot with a rope halter and the longest long line on the place we had we to work. We went in huge circles very fast in one direction and then huge circles to the other. When he realized I wasn’t going to stop his god given gift to GO, but only ask that him for a certain direction. He began to notice me some.

Little by little the circles got slower and small. And after about three day he realized that he could walk if he wants to. He figured out that he could go back and go sideways. And before a week was done he could go outside the arena with another horse, I riding said other horse. I ponied him with catching cattle water and fence , we went over hills and river, brush and rocks. He figured out that his gift to GO, was even better than he thought.

He began to look for my leadership because when we went somewhere it was awesome. He even realized that his gift to GO could made cows go. And that where he went made the cows go where he wanted them to go. All of this before I even thought about putting a saddle and myself on his back.

Having a relaxed relationship is what we are created to want, and the big ship we are naturally created to use is, compassion.

As the first thirty days came close, I was aware that most people won’t take the time I was having to take, to have a relaxed ride. Young King and I were still working on controlling speed by direction. The smaller circle the slower the pace, until the feet “stopped on the bend”. Pulling straight back on the reigns just made his head to come up, his body tense and his feet go faster. We didn’t have a lot whow in our Go.

Sadly nobody had come out in a whole month to see the problems and progress that King was making. I called with in the last week of training as I always do, to give them an honest assessment of were their horse is in training and asked what they would like to do.

I’ve always been very straightforward with clients about their horses. After the first thirty days they can consent to more training or pay the bill and take him home. I always want make sure they are confident and have gotten their moneys worth.

With a bit of reluctance she agreed to letting me continue training and promised to come out and see how comfortable she and her daughter in riding him. But within an hour the phone rang and a very gruff male voice informed me that they would be out in the morning to get “that horse.”

(Now given the fact that they lived on this big cowboy outfit. I was expecting for some tough cowpuncher who was half horse to step out of the truck and show me how it done. )

I informed my training partner of the next days event, because we had a very refined system for riding king that included Tom being on another good saddle horse ride when I rode me. There were still some relationship issues and it was good to have another horse for King, and Tom for moral support, even if it was just to call 911. If he wanted me to ride “that horse” I had no plans to ride him alone.

Tom and I saddled up a couple of good horses but left old King alone so that these folks could see him fresh out of the stall, and what it requires to set him up for success.

All three jumped out of the worn out Ford truck, and this tall, lean forty something, fellow came striding up and shuck may hand in a hard cold manner. It was one of those moments when I knew this was no church social we were about to commence with.

I brought old King out and began to let him drift out at his own pace with not so long line but gave him some slack to see how he was feeling. I was talking to them about letting him pick the speed me picking the direction.

I was two minutes of working with King. When this gentleman interrupted me forcefully. “we don’t need to see all that. Just get on and ride it”…

Now folks, like always say, if you can’t say it in 1500 words say the rest in part two. Hope you will come along for the rest of the story.

Leave a comment and tell them when to publish part two.

“Are we there yet !?”

I awoke to just a hint of gray sky and ability to see my own breath, because of all the cracks in 100 year-old door. Which in keeping with old cowboy line cabin decor needs to be tied shut to keep the bear from taking advantage of my hospitality.

But even so, I light a match to the wood I put in the stove last night without leaving my bedroll. And lay there feeling cold get pushed away and smell a fresh pot of coffee heating to a boil. I always set a big basin of water on the flat top wood stove the night before so as to have some hot water to clean up with.

At the age of fifty-two, I’m kinda amazed that I’m still able to live this kinda life. I’ve been in my share of jackpots, and it takes a bit of time to unfold in the morning, it feels good to be doing what I love.

There’s frost on widow, but in hour that sun will do its job. Early October is full of cold night and warm days here on the divide. After a cup strong hot coffee, I untie the old door, and step out to greet the day, dog, and call in the horses, all standing on a little hill catching the first rays of sunlight.

They all pop their heads up when I break the silence of the valley with call they all know well. I always hate breaking that wonderful silence of a new day. But those partners of mine will sit there in the sun all morning and then hunt some shade by noon, without a care in the world for me or cattle that need gathered.

Banging a coffee can on fence post gets them to drop their heads and start drifting to the catch pen, which nothing more than a pile of stacked up lodge pines, that a butterfly could knock over just flying by. Five cans of grain gets them ready for the day after a night of grazing on the rich fall grasses. They’ve had a good summer on good pasture, but they have earned it.

As I sip one more cup of coffee, not only am I happy that can still do work, but I really enjoy it. I’ve learned all the tricks to making by alone in the high country or desert with a string of good horses and a couple of dogs. There are a lot of simple comforts to be created working out of a line camp, when you’re done learning the hard way.

Working a big allotment on summer grazing lease is simple enough, but not that easily done with success. Knowing the country, the cattle and your horses is the best start to winning at this game. Water wasn’t a problem is this country, there are creeks and beaver ponds everywhere.

Once you know how your cattle travel and what they are grazing on at any given season, it’s best to get some good mineral blocks out in front of them to slow them down and graze the country evenly. Once you get them settled and moving at an easy pace. It just a matter packing the salt, and check for sickness and runaways.

It’s a horseback job all day every day. You best like riding and your horses best like being rode, because that’s what it takes. You best be able to enjoy your own company seeing how are you only one to talk to.

This country we tough because it just seemed to go up and up and up and when you got up there it became down and down. Though we all ate well nobody was packing any extra bounds, it was all muscle and tendon that is left on this crew. Not mention that the trail have a lot of dead fall trees all over and picking your way through or around can take some effort. (But I have a couple of older war horses that are master of finding their way through).

I was behind the eight ball on this endeavor. I came in midseason to help a well-established ranching family that had grazed 300 head of pairs on this fifty thousand acre allotment for over 60 years.

It seems that the fellow that was hired to run the show up here had just saddled up and rode off over the back side of the divide, with nothing more than a note on the old cabin cook table, that simply said “Have a great summer “It was the oddest thing this ranching family had seen in a long time.

Now to give you a better idea of what l was into. This job was remote. It was a three plus hour ride just to get your horses and groceries in and once you where in there you best stay put. I could resupply with a small pick up, it took every bit as long to drive in and out, on that hundred year old wagon trail.

There’s was no cell service, electricity, and the only running water was me with a bucket. These fine folks expected for good hand to stay up there and look after their million dollars investment. It was ten days before they realized this dude had left out.

It took another ten days to run me down, and me to get horses and gear gathered up, pack in and settled in. The cabin I camped in was a small one and half room affair. It was built with huge pine logs, cured by a wild fire in the 1890s, cut and stacked in 1901. That cabin was still as solid as the day it was built (except for the door course, which needed help).

After thirty some years of riding the big lonesome ranches from Montana to New Mexico, I’d gotten a knack for what cattle do and a quick learner of the lay of the land. Now it had been more than thirty days since anyone had been in here tending to those cows. So I knew l had my work cut out for us.

But like I said, line camp work is simple enough. I went to riding, hunting tracks and packing salt. Once got those mama cows located, I went to moving back the ones that were ahead of the rotation, and spending up the ones that are behind. They were scattered bad, but we sure put things in better order than they were. (Did I mention that the 50,000 acres had no fences. Those cattle could walk to Wyoming, and some did).

It was a good two months for all of us, but one to be the most disappointed when we pull up stakes, is my 7 year old border collie Kati. She has been in heaven working cattle and swimming sometimes, at the same time, everyday. I’ve raised border collies for twenty years and she is one of the best. She often sleeps with the horses to make sure we get early start.

Since a pup she been confident in her ability to gather and move the world and she diligently works at it every day . I’m no sheep man, but I’m pretty sure she would scatter a herd of them to hell gone. But she’s got her PhD in cattle and runs a real tight ship. That dog will not put up with any wondering off or lagging behind.

I sit there with another one more cup of coffee and let the warm sun soften my bones and contemplate one last circle to ride for strays. Then button up this line camp and take the remnant of cows and calves down to winter pastures, load my partners and gear, and head into the valley of confusion. I was consumed by that dark feel again.

I’d known something was wrong in me and with me for more than a year. I didn’t just come up to help out a ranch but to meet with my maker. In all reality l had laid myself on the altar of life, and waited for my body to stop. I was done with life, any life, all life. My only feeling was stop existing.

I couldn’t kill myself yet, but I did want for whatever god there might be to just blow my life away, like it was blown it was into me. I had no energy to live but no power to stop living. I know that there a many reading can relate to what I write.

The incompetence of human reason wants to label it as depression, anxiety, addictions, compulsive behaviours. Religion labels it as selfish, self centered, pride, sin and judgment for wrong choices. But I am confident that it something so much more in spiritual places. Maybe it is the reality of Hell, alive but dead, dead but alive. A continuing experience of feeling of being in an state for existence in which you do not belong.

Ciniching up a young colt that needed a little more one on one time with me before the winter set in and he’d be on a vacation. I realized that I was no longer equipped to deal with life. The power of free will and choice was dead, nothing more than a foolish idea human speculation.

Stepping into the strup and slipping into the saddle like I’ve been doing it for awhile. I know like so many times in my life that there nothing left to do but the next thing. I ease my horse to north, with a black and white dog drifting out in front.

Like the creek that riddled it way over the rocks, past that little cabin. The journey of true life never ends, it moves ways forward. We are so much more than our individual self awareness. Yet it is not for us to choose, but simply except.

The 7,10,12 Steps to a better…

Several years ago I was asked to work with a cute red and white paint horse pony. In Norman Rockwell picturesque concept, a father and his 7-year-old pigtail blond daughter, had gone partners on a dream of equestrian bliss.

I have always had a passion for sharing my love for horses and the magical experience of riding people, especially with eager “youngens“. And so I had no issues with taking on this project. Seeing that this miniature Annie Ocklie had not been “ahorseback” that much, I worked out a plan with the dynamic duel in which I would work with her little horse on the weekdays and she promised to come out and learn about how to create a partnership with Strawberry .

While talking to the father on the phone before this little mare arrived. He related to me that Strawberry’s former purpose in life was as a carnival pony. Which entailed being tied to a metal bar walking in a circle with other carnival ponies, while little children, lathered in sunscreen and hyped on cotton candy, wiggled ,whining and screamed on her back in five-minute increments. With that same carnival music, and flashing cameras.

Needless to say, after relating this information to a cowboy friend who helped me work with the tough ones, I was given a good share of cowboy humor about the type of rough stock I was having to take in just to pay his wages.

Now Strawberry was around 13 hands high, and round as a pickle barrel, not so short as to have my feet dragging the ground, but still a humorous site for onlookers. She was about eight to ten years old, with kinda “what ever ” disposition, and as gentle as a professional carnival pony can get. There was just nothing the could scare this horse.

Sitting on her back wasn’t a training issue. That little girl could have moved into that saddle till she was twenty, and old Strawberry wouldn’t have cared less. But it became rather apparent that going somewhere was the challenge in this relationship.

She would walk for you, but only in a circle to the left. Everything moved in a circle to the left. And only for four to six minutes. Always and I mean always walking. never trotting or looping. Once you put a saddle on her back. She moved in a slow consistent walk, in a convenient circle to the left, for a short period of time.

I earned my fee and then some opening the door to the right. And little by little it became a straight line. Amazingly enough, she started going to places and become a real horse who wanted to see what was over the hill with someone on her back . Her “horsenality” came up and although we had to “relationship” our way though some insecurities, she became a lot of fun to be with, and in the end a wonderful partner to share in the dreams of a little girl.

It is always an amazingly rewarding feeling when you have the opportunity to help someone with their dream. I believe it the motivation of life to connect in our humanity. See the impossible become reality. It is un-natural of our created humanity to discourage the dreams in others, and only is accomplished by our reaction to our individual disappointments.

We are all dream makers or dream takers.

I have a feeling that about now you’re waiting for me to give you a bunch of clichés about getting out of a route, because I feel the influence of taken the easy road and just say what others said. But I have come to realize that if all we do is quote someone else, it is not real in our lives.

Being created to feel creative, but thinking we must have ordered constancy, leaves us conflicted in our existence.

A few months ago I needed to replace the internet router in our house. I went to the nearest convenient box store. Which conveniently had several different kinds, all conveniently in the same place with in the building itself.

I love *quick and easy,* so that I can quickly and easily get to more important things, that I hope will be quick and easy also. (I like to call this mentality: the horse race with no finish line).

I am a price shopper, and the prices of the different types routers are conventionally located right there below the idem. I never buy the cheapest one, nor the most expensive one. I quickly find the midrange router and simply look at the easy to read institutions. The big selling point for me was when it said, “1,2,3 easy setup”.

Life is so good when we have convenience. We need convenient order and consistency. Getting back to the house. I quickly begin to set it up. (knowing how much of a need there is for the power of WiFi, which magical allows the family to sit in the living room,watch t.v. and Utub at the same time).

Opening up the little set up instruction book, I soon realized that three steps had become seven, and the seventh one opened up to another five steps, and in the end was right back with step zero: having no Wi Fi.

(Now folks by the time I was done, I could have conveniently built my own router with a curling iron, old horse shoes, and extra lawn mower parts in barn).

I have come to see that there is a great conflict between what we believe we need in the physical, and what we were created to want in the spiritual.

We are created to want a spiritual connection with our Creator and His creation of humanity, through feeling. Our lack of response to this reality causes a need for ordered steps of convenience.

Now that l have WiFi again, l can get my steady dose of emails that are intended to help me feel better by meeting a need. I get most that say: Five ways to build your retirement. Three things to know about your credit. Four steps to a stress free life. Two ways to a better relationships with your spouse. One secret you need to know to help you poop.

I’ve noticed also that the bigger of a “hot mess” we are the more steps are involved and the more time must be invested. It take 30 days to love Jesus more. 60 days to lose the weight you wanted and keep it off. 90 days to the yard you’ve always wanted. (And all for only the cost of a cup of coffee a day).

And when your life really sucks, we need the circle steps. 12 steps to sobriety, that brings you back to step 1. There 15 step approach to getting out of debt. Which seems to be headed in a straight line until you actually spent some of the money. Not to mention all programs, meeting and gatherings that must be attended for life, in order to see any improvements to the issues of choice.

The humor in all this is that we have to be taught to live like this. Our physical beings are trained to live in a circle. Our individual circle may cross my cross the path of another’s, but the very idea of the circle is that they quickly go in different directions again. All because of a manufactured need of convenience and simplicity.

It seems that we believe our personal human being powers are most useful when used in the direction of the circle.

(Evidently l was offensive to someone the other day for making a comment that “roundabouts” at traffic intersections are “stupid”.)

I find it intriguing that, for the sake of the presumption of needed convenience, that a straight line with signal lights, which would require interaction with other people in a patient and caring way, is not as safe as controlled chaos of the circle. Apparently other people are an inconvenience.

Watching that little red and white paint pony out in the pasture one evening, I noticed that she did naturally walked and run in straight lines, turn to the right with ease, while grazing and relating to other horses.

It wasn’t that she was created to walk in a circle for five to seven minutes, it was created in her that this was her job/purpose, and as noble of profession as it was, it was a shallow existence.

Perhaps, for the sake of convenience and simplicity and most importantly safety, I should have just convenience that little girl that: “this is what good horses always do. This what good riding is. This is how all horse people ride. We real cowboys/girls always ride in a slow circles, to the left, for six minutes. Isn’t this a wonderful life, just liven the dream! “

I’m often reminded of old Strawberry, when I confuse my job/work, with my the reality of who our Creator is, and what He breathed into our spiritual humanity.

We are created with the DNA of relationship, and recognize that it functions best in a straight lines, at different speeds. (Sometimes with signal lights that turn red.) Always with twists and turns, in all kinds of adverse conditions, inherently dangerous: this is who we are.

It is the spiritual that influences our humanity and motivates our being human.

Creative consistency and consistently creative. Or Controlled confusion and confused control.

My wife and I have a small outfit on a mesa with a beautiful view of the mountains to the north. Every day, all day, and even at night, the view is there. It is a constant reality. Yet depending on the time of day, week or month, the view is different. It i a created reality. Which I am confident is intended to create feelings (spiritual influence that is intended to motivate a physical response).

Every morning as I’m out doing chores. Filling water tanks feeding horses, doctoring on something sick or hurt. Not to mention it may be in the snow or cold, wind or rain, mud or dust and heat. (Often all at the same time! ).

And on any different time day or season, the reality of a leaky water tank, a hay tarp frozen to the ground or blown away, no gain and or the wrong kind of medicine. (Oh and the dogs got into trash, and we had chickens for a while, but that a whole nether story). This reality I am also confident it is intended to create feeling.

You may be wondering why I am confident that difficult physical views on life create feelings. Because: and this may come as a shock to some people (mostly *christians *) , we are created to feel spiritual influences . This is who our Creator is. He is the spiritual reality that we are created in the likeness and image of. We are therefore spiritual being first.

It is no different from physical feeling. Touch your spouse on the shoulder is something she feels, that will create an emotion (motivation of a physical response). Our feelings are our spiritual connection to our Creator and our created humanity.

Like it or not we are in a world of spiritual existence. Living in this reality (truth), opens us, not into a simpler way of living, but in a more full way. It’s a lot like coming to my house. When first entire you come in through the closed in porch. It has roof and walls some rugs, a bunch to sit on and even some places to hang coats or other clothing. We appreciate our the porch, it is a very useful room of house.

But now if you were to come to our house to for “acoupleadays” ( a couple of days). And we ate and slept on the porch, you’d not take long to find this is wrong. There is something wrong with the house or me and my bride. We could feed you the finest food ever cooked, and give you silk pillow cases to sleep on. You might even stay, you may even have a good time us while you’re here. But you will ways have an uneasy feeling about that visit. And it will change how you feel about me.

Why? You may ask. Because it’s a part of our physical nature to know that is not what the porch was created for. My wife simply told a carpenter she want a simple porch a certain size and he built us porch. We did not come home one evening and open the screen door to a living room .

It is just wrong to deny, devalue or simply reason way the feeling (environmental influences) that exist in our existence. And honestly it doesn’t work. We are spiritual being, and many of us are sleeping on the spiritual porch. Some of us as good human beings are trying to choose by reason (of insanity) only the good ones. But this like sleeping on the porch with the door to the main house open but not going in.

By now you might be wondering what about the chores? Just get them done. Doesn’t matter how you feel, you wanted a place with some land and livestock, just get the fences fixed. (Have you ever been on fence line with a person sleeping on this spiritual porch? )

I lived a long long time believing that this was the way we as individuals were created to exist . It was a fight to get things done. A struggle to choose the right attitude. Life just becomes a world of conflicting emotions, actions and choices from with in our selves and other human beings.

Life is exhausting and become a world of controlled confusion when we are sleeping on the spiritual porch. The sad reality of this way of living, is that we believe our human being character, of mental reason and choices will is created for us to navigate through a spiritual existence. And live in a waste land of need.

This mentality of the choice *free will * is a lot like playing a game of rock, paper, scissors. No matter how smart you are you have a 66.66666666 % of losing ever time. The mind and the body were not created to be the controller of our spiritual existence.

When we live in our true nature, as a spiritual being first, we find a greater reality of who our Creator is. We see that He is energetic excited and pleased with what He creates. That He is a constant Creator. And the creative constant in our existence. It is the ship in how He relates to us. Because we were created in His likeness, to respond to the nature that is our DNA to create and be creative constantly. The energy to respond is natural to our total existence, because it is His nature to respond to His creation.

Let me comment here, before we run off down another religious rabbit hole, that this not some magical truth for the sake of simplicity and ease. There is a huge difference between physical compilation and spiritual complexity. (But that is for another blog)

Two nights ago I came to this little place of our, and saw the dark sky filled with bright red and orange smoke, at a very close distance. My personal existence was overwhelmed with feeling. Fear and anxiety and anger were the big ones. To simply over ride those feels and started making choices was my physical desire. Yet living in a deeper reality allows me recognize that those where not the only feeling influencing me.

The energy to respond to what is created in me by our Creator, allows me to do more than just suppress the feeling of panic. It allowed me to be creative in putting a plan of action to work. I simply gathered all livestock to the pens where a fast-moving grass fire would burn around them, if I didn’t have time to get them hauled out. Hooked up the tuck to the trailer and maybe the greatest feeling to respond to was wait.

It allowed me to feel confident in our humanity, knowing that the people fighting the fire had the same creative desire in them. Live that reality I was able get my place in order and then seek to help others, knowing that it would be easier for others if I needed help.

It all worked out and no porches were lost to fires while writing this blog.

The richness and fullness of life is in the experience of feeling. Our Creator’s nature is of constant creativity that may seem to us, in our individuality, as complete chaos. It may feel like He doesn’t care or even exist. But that is not reality. Our humanity was created for change to new and fresh experiences.

Our mental capacity to reason through and choose the right and wrong, good and bad is a shallow existence that we where never created to experience. We where created to feel, recognize and respond. You may think I’m just playing with somatics. But there is a huge difference between choice and response as to the type of ship we create to relate with.

My wife and I where on the couch watching tv and she said to me, “I’m cold can you get me a blanket.” To recognize her feeling of desire for comfort, and my feelings wanting her comfortable, I naturally respond to her request. I am relating to her humanity through feel. I’m not cold but I have been, and l know what it feels like for someone to care about my comfort and the feeling of a soft blanket. (And yes l do this every time because I super husband).

Sometimes I feel tired stiff and sore from the day, and will respond with irritation thinking “I’m not cold, why am I getting a blanket, if I was cold I’d get one, but I’m not… it’s not even cold in here . Boy just wait till January… she will know what cold feels like. I remember last winter fix the tractor in ten below weather. Now that was cold and I still got my own blanket “. But then over ride my feelings and choose to get all the way up from the couch, walk all the way over to the blanket, pick it up, and walk all the way back to the couch and hand it to her. I have chosen to do this task out of *love and sacrifice*. Right? Not!

Now she may the value of my choice of sacrificial love and just be happy she didn’t have to go through all that just to be comfortable, but this ship in our marriage of relating (which is designed to be big and able the sail over deep and stormy waters), is a shallow, leaky row boat, with a broken ore. The action of choice don’t add anything to design of the beauty of marriage.

In the end our personalities are more often drawn to the superficial and shallow things of life to created a sense of self worth and purpose. Much like walking on the beach as the waves roll in and say “I’m swimming “. Our desire to control the perceived confusion of earthly living is not what our humanity was created for. Our humanity was created for the feeling of experience of change.

The ship of relating.

From the moment I saw this tall, young, handsome bay gelding. Who had good dark feet, strong cannon bones, great muscle in the shoulder and hip, and not to short in back, I sure was I hoping I had enough money to buy him.

I was A young wannabe horse trainer, looking for something to train and do my cowboy work off of. In hopes of making a profit in the fall or next spring. And this good-looking son of a gun was going to fit the bill just right.

As I watched him being rode out back my hopes rose, he wasn’t very broke at all. This should keep his price down, because the big money was in finished horses that you could do days work on and still trot back to the pens in the evening and still be in one piece.

By the time he came in the auction ring my heart was pounding. I stood close to the rail and looked hard at his legs and feet as he moved around to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. I just watched that horse and listened to the biding.

Now at this stage of my life and for a long time, I just lived on my dreams and not on a lot of money. I had what I needed and not much more, so with only a the little extra cash I had in my shirt pocket, I was going to need some Devine intervention, if I had any thoughts of taking this colt home.

My idea was a simple enough one: buy a good horse cheap and with some time and hard work sell high. Just simple American capitalism. I’d had a bit of success with this business model to this point. (Until I got to the part where you are supposed to save the profit to grow the business)

In any case, I was a prayen man at the time, and standing there at the time, I did a bit of it. When the biding slowed down and he was still fordable, I waved my hand. He went up another 50, (and biding again for me would empty my shirt pocket) I waved my hand again. And in thirty seconds I was the owner that colt.

I will never really know how I got this vision of being horseman. But by the time I was 15, I just wanted to be around them and on them. There was this fascination with the concept that you sit on their backs and they would go places with you up there. And even go places that you wanted to go, if you communicated with them in the right way. (Which of has become a life long obsession).

The fact that with their size, power and intelligence, they could just as easily bucked a person off and stomped you 6 feet under, (which of course has been an obsession to avoid this situation from occurring), and don’t is amazing.

Now I’ve come to learn over these many years that the ultimate goal of a good riding horse, no matter what you do with them , is to create a relaxed and willing disposition. When you have that, you have a pattern. And having a pattern helps a lot when tough times come at you.

At twenty-five, I had worked with and for several good horsemen and a few not so good, and had learned from them all. But the truth is: where knowledge stops, frustration starts. And after a week of working with my new horse/partner, I became frustrated. This big handsome bay, just wouldn’t relax. He was fearful at very thing. He would jump, buck or run away from anything I tried to do with him. And when I tied or hobbled him to limit his extreme reactions, he pull back, bit and kick.

I couldn’t even saddle him with out a huge wreck every time. All my hopes and dreams of becoming a high dollar horse trainer where on the top of his back and he had no interest in me being up there. Needless to say I began to feel insecure about by human/being powers (my physical abilities), and become impatient and angry.

So one cool spring morning, I drew my line in what I assumed was a battle of wills, put on my “bronc stompen” hat, and set to ride this horse. I’d rigged myself a set of hobbles to immobilize his front his feet so that when I get on I could jerk them lose and we could have at it,

(Now to set this scene, and to be in compliance with full disclosure mandates of camp fire story telling requirements. Let me add, that I was working on an outfit all by myself, there just wasn’t any one else there but me my dog and a string of saddle horses. All I had to train in was a large pipe corral, which didn’t matter to me much at this point, because I’d have ridden him out side if wasn’t for all the trees.)

I’d rode some bareback and saddle boncs in rodeos and I was petty confident that he couldn’t buck as hard as those horses. And so with angry determination I slipped myself in the saddle. To this day I do not remember if I jerked those hobbles lose or not, but I do recall seeing the curvature of the earth, because him took off like a rocket ship and landed harder.

Being the professional that I know myself to be in my mind, I stayed with him more jumps than most cowboys I knew would have. It’s interesting how quickly my angry determination turned into a determination to survives, or that best minimize the hurt coming my way. Just as I was prayen he would level out he took a hard jump to the right and crashed into the ground.

To make long story short… He broke his leg and never got up. The feeling of that experience has never left me to this day. The sadness, grief, disappointment, and overwhelming longing to have time go back 5 minutes, is still very real in my memory.

The timeless truth of all this, is fear is a destructive feeling. Creating fear in others will not ever… give any individual a relaxed and willing disposition. This young colt didn’t want to be insecure, which in turn created fear and fighting, no more than I wanted to feel frustration, which likewise created angry. Forcing that colt to be willing, relaxed and respond to my leadership with greater fear was never going to work.

We all live with insecurities and we all find ways to cope, adjust and escape. We all feel pressures of life with in use as individual human beings. Yet the spiritual reality is that we were not created to be fearful, nor were we created to create fear in others.

We were created with limitations which when viewed from the reality of my personal human being, will in fact cause insecurities. But the desire to challenge the insecurities of another person, instead of being connected to the limitations of our created humanity, is not who we were created to be.

We as created humanity were made (fashioned) to feel and be secure, at peace, relaxed. why? because we were created in His likeness and image. He breathed His life into our humanity. God’s nature is that He is restful, so it is in our spiritual DNA as well. This reality never changes.

Fear in all reality, is felt in absence or disconnect with our Creator and our created humanity’s true nature. It is not naturally what is in our created spiritually DNA. That is why we feel uncomfortable when we are influenced by the fear.

The conflict of our naturel humanity and our individual human being character, have everything to do with relationship. Our Creator’s nature is one of relationship. In all reality God created us not because He needed to, but because He wanted to. It is who He is, right now in this time and space. To often we focus on forcing our personal human character to do what our humanity was created to do naturally. Nether I nor that bay colt, were created naturally for that moment. We were created to be at peace, but in my unnatural response to the feeling of fear which emoted (emotion), cause me to act in anger… to the inevitability destruction.

Now I’m not a linguistic expert, nor am I very knowledgeable about water craft and nautical navigation, but I do find it interesting that the word ship is connected to the concept of relating. I am confident that the whole idea behind the boat is the desire of not drowning. Our bodies were not created to be in water for long, so we created the boat. The more water the bigger the boat and soon you have the ship.

The nature of the ship is to coexist with the water that then allows us to survive. It is by its very existence ment for a fluid on going experience. I not nuclear physicist but I believe that is why rocks don’t flout.

I think we can all agree that there is a big difference between relating and relationship. And that most coexistence breaks down, when we simply relate. And just like taking a trip on the water, and though there are risks and dangers, there is a natural desire to take care of the boat, knowing that it is up to forces out of our control that will determine the length of the journey.

The experience of horsemanship is even more blessed than sailing, in that it is another living creature, that you relate with. Horses like us, were created for relationship. Given the right ship in relating, they will carry a person though any challenge in the journey. I’ve ridden good horses through blizzards, floods, and fire, over mountains and through deserts just because we had the right ship in relating to each other.

In truth the horse man relationship is created for both of us because without each other, neither of us is as good as we were created to be. We are filled with negativity, fear and ultimately destruction, when we respond to a different reality.

We will not know our individual personality, until we realize our created humanity. We will never live in the experience of our created humanity, without responding to the nature of our Creator who has created the same nature in our humanity.

Where it starts…

Have you ever had a moment in time when you learned something that changed your existence? We may call it a moment of enlightenment, clarity, revelation or vision, something that changes the reality of being. I have had two different moments in my life time.

I’m not talking about negative situations that influence use to pull back or find “escape” or hounds our past to determine our future. Instead I’m talking about a moment of realisation that you can respond to that helps come adversity, and negative influences.

My first time rocked my world. I mean it changed my existence on this planet never to be the same. I was six years old and I learned to… RIDE A BICYCLE. I know right, it was an enlightenment that bought man and machine together and I never looked back. ( I’m not a professional cyclist, never have been, although I once rode my bike in a parade couple times. To be truthful, I have not rode a bicycle in 10 years.

It’s never really about the physical thing, but about what that knowledge allows us to experience and feel. Until that moment in time when my mind changed what my body could do, my world was very small. My world was a ten by ten foot sand box, a table with food brought to me, and a back seat of a car with windows that I couldn’t see out of.

My whole life existence was about looking down as an individual human being at little things. Even the mechanical mobility of a tricycle was inefficient and limited me to a small driveway full of cracks that I got stuck in all time with my little wheels.

Now the day when my mind convinced my body I could balance on two wheels while going forward, created for me a new vision of life . I could go places, places I never know existed. It allowed me to look up and see where I could go, and not crash into stuff. It allowed me to experience and feel a whole new universe.

This magical revelation made a huge difference in who I was and what l was capable of, as an individual human being. And truth be told, l’ve never regretted that moment of clarity. I’ve been a lot places, seen and done many thing, living a life to fullest extent of the law.

With this enlightenment my whole existence was motivated by the power of being a human individual. It shaped my education, my financial stability, my emotions gratification and even my sense of spiritual connection to the “christian god”. It all depend on my power as a human being. The ability of the mind and body to make the right choices to receive good circumstances or the responsibility of consequences of bad circumstances.

Now I intend to go much deeper on this revelation of human being power concept in blogs to come. But for now lets just say that there are many limitation and confusion about this kind of “power”, and until this path of enlightenment runs its course, I needed nothing else to function as a normal being of a human, in normal human life.

In time these limitations and the emotional stress of mental confusion, over my *choices*, began to add up and created a feeling of uselessness, worthlessness. The harder I tried the less feel of worth I felt.

In response to the many conflicting confusions with in my person. Like many people, I turned to my religion for answers from a higher power. There are many riddles to this human power. Yet the doctrine of those that claim to be talking for Him, were just speaking in even bigger riddles. I began to realize that the “christian god” of the “bible” was not really going to help much. This “christian god and his son” spent more time talking about me and my power than about His power.

My second moment of clear enlightened revelation was truly super natural. I wasn’t really searching at the time, but simply drifting with the statics quo. I know honestly that it was a spiritual awakening that did not come from my sense of reason. I had come to the end of myself in the ability to figure the riddle of life out.

This moment of reality came randomly as I read the first few chapters of God’s words . And it was simply this: This book is not about me, but in reality it is about Who my Creator is . It is about how He feels, thinks and what He does or doesn’t do. This book is not about us as individuals, but in fact about His character and nature. It is about God as a Creator and us as a whole (our humanity) of His creation.

I intend to go much deeper into the reality of this truth, but for now I will just say that it has had a profound impact on the way I view life and interact with my fellow creatures. The regular moments in time and space have greater meaning. With that reality, I realized that I am created in my Creator’s image and likeness. I am a spiritual being first. The feeling of experience and the experience of feeling, is what humanity was created for.

We can no more disconnect from feeling of spiritual existence, than we can the wind in our face, when you ride a bike. In truth our whole existence is motivated the by influences of spiritual connection with our Creator and His creation of humanity. We were created for relationship with Him and each other through the experience of feeling .