Monthly Archives: January 2025

Conversations From the Road – None

Leave a reply

The day before yesterday, I asked a question here on my blog (click to read here):

How many people have to suffer for you and why?

Today, I’m going to answer my own question with just one word:

None.

Yes, I said ‘none’, meaning not one single person on this planet has to suffer for me. Why?

Because even those who are evil, people without conscience, empathy, compassion, people who are not kind nor able to love and be loved in return, people who lie, cheat, steal, people who embrace lies and hatred, would not be changed by suffering. Suffering does NOT make a bad person good, or redeem them for the pain and suffering they inflicted on others. If it makes them feel shame, guilt, or remorse, they still failed the initial assignment which was to do NO HARM.

Pain and suffering do not exist to enhance your knowledge of the human condition, and pain and suffering don’t exist to create empathy and compassion inside of you. I’m beginning to think too many people have to actually work at having empathy and compassion, that they embrace hatred and cruelty, and most of all, are just dumber than dogshit and fall for anything that’s loud, crude, and obnoxious.

I feel like my internal default emotional settings are empathy and compassion, love and kindness. Yes, I’ve got a temper and a sarcastic streak ten miles wide, but I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else. But, I don’t believe in inflicting pain and suffering on people, or deliberately cutting them down and telling them their thoughts and feelings don’t matter, or they don’t have a right to exist in any space at all. Most of all, I feel that empathy and compassion are strengths, not weaknesses, and certainly not any form of sin whatsoever.

So why do people still feel pain and suffering is justified?

My first response to that is ask them but for the most part, if you nail them on the spot with those questions, you’ll get one of the following responses:

They’ll get their backs up and get all defensive and shit. They’ll try to justify their ugly shit and even blame YOU for bringing it up.

They’ll say you make them ‘uncomfortable’ and therefore they have to respond by making you more ‘uncomfortable’ than them.

They’ll say you’re lying to them, or making them out to be something they’re not even though their words and actions tell the truth.

They’ll say you’re being mean to them, and try to manipulate you into comforting them instead of standing up to their bullshit.

In plain English, take your pick but in the end, most people who are called out on their insensitivity, their cruelty, and their hurtful behavior will not take responsibility for it. They may go silent, or even walk away. A lot of times, they’ll retreat like spoiled, petulant children who get called out for shitty behavior and who respond by just packing up their toys and going home instead of apologizing and not doing awful shit.

They’ll also rationalize and justify evil and pain and suffering, try to spin it, put a shit-ton of perfume on it to try and hide the awful stench, or worst of all, accuse you of panicking, blowing things out of proportion. Or in the end, they’ll just own their fucking awful shit once and for all.

So what do you do in the face of all this?

Stand up to it. Don’t back down. Call their fucking bluff.

Because they’ll tell you that people who care about you will reject you for standing up to them, that if you don’t shut up and give in to them that you will be left all alone in this world, and worst of all, that no one will ever love you.

But I still will not let awful people suffer hunger, cold, sickness, or alienation. Because none of that will change them for the better. As I always say, my job in life is NOT to pull someone’s head out of their ass, and neither is it anyone else’s. We are endowed with ‘free will’, the ability to make our own decisions. But it also means we have to live with the consequences of those decisions, too.

So no, no one has to suffer for me. But I will not stay silent in the face of pain and suffering. I will stand up to people once and for all for this shit.

Finally, if you’ve got something to say to me, say it to my face.

Conversations From the Road – An Existential Moment

Leave a reply

Selfish, self-centered, cold, unemotional bitch

When it comes to insults and lies about me, I’ve pretty much heard it all in my fifty years on this floating blue rock of a planet. And yet I’m still standing. Why?

Because in the end, my life is for me. My work, my writing, my very existence is determined by me and only me. Most of all, I don’t make people ‘uncomfortable’. Anyone who has ever said to me is not willing to deal with their own feelings that I make them aware of and therefore they project that back onto me. Or as I like to say, I’m not responsible for pulling someone’s head out of their ass and neither is anyone else.

I’m writing this because I’ve been having what I’ll call an ‘existential moment’, meaning I’ve been asking myself why I’m doing things in my life, or why I want to do things I haven’t put into motion yet. The reason I’m asking myself this is because I know my work isn’t going to change people who really need to learn how to do better in life. These are people who have swallowed so much bullshit and hateful rhetoric that they just make excuses for it or worse, try to make the person calling them out on it the bad guy.

It’s about me, I realized. It’s about me making a statement for the future:

If you’re reading this from the smoking ruins, this is who we were, and what we did, and how it all went down.

Or,

If you’re reading this from the ashes of a reborn life, this is who we were, and what we did, and how we rose from the ashes to make something better.

The future isn’t set, and yes, it is what we make of it. I mean, I could just shut my fucking mouth and go off and live a life without words. I’m sure there are a few people who would love for me to do that. In reality, those people moved on from me a long time ago and trust me, they ain’t coming back.

So why do this? Why do anything? Why say anything out loud?

First, to prove to myself I’m not fucking crazy, or wrong about shit, and most of all, I’m not that selfish, self-centered, cold unemotional bitch I’ve been accused of being simply because I was silent for so damn long.

Second, to reach anyone who has felt like I have, lived through things like I have, and most of all, who is still standing after all that. I want them to know they’re not crazy, or selfish, or self-centered, or cold and unemotional since they’ve been silent, or are still silent on the outside.

Third, my silence, and the silence of others and the fact they tried to be compliant and people-pleasing doesn’t mean that I or anyone else was trying to ‘game the system’ or just being good when we didn’t want to be. That is a complete and total fucking bullshit lie projected by the very people who want to be mean and cruel and sooner or later, show the world exactly that.

Most of all, it’s not about revenge, settling scores, getting even, or just making a point. It’s about making a statement of truth, but also of courage, and hope, and of wanting to come out of the darkness into the light.

So yes, my work isn’t going to change someone’s mind or guilt-trip them into leading a better life because as my mother used to say, if they’ve done it once (meaning they’ve done something awful), what makes you think they won’t do it again? Because as she used to say, people like that very rarely, if evet, change.

I’ve changed yes, like so many people who have gone through emotional recovery. We’ve changed in that we’ve worked to live to our truth and not appease other people who don’t have their fucking shit together and in all likelihood never will.

So yes, my writing is for me. My life is for me first, because if I can’t take care of myself first, I sure as hell can’t help anyone else.

But yes, this is for me.

And anyone else who is like me now, walking wounded.

Conversations From the Road – Wild Cards

Leave a reply

A ‘wild card’ comes from the game of poker when a card, such a two of hearts for example, is called out as a ‘wild card’, meaning that card can be used to substitute for another card if needed to play a hand. It’s like if you used your wild card to fill out a straight, or a flush, or a full house in a hand of poker.

In life, wild cards are what I call things that are in play but we don’t know how they’re going to be used and how they’ll figure into world events. An example for me would be Russia, and what could happen if Russia truly falls on its’ ass and the Russian economy collapses. In 1991, when the former Soviet Union was dissolved, it didn’t break up and change names simply because Ronald Reagan told Soviet Premier Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. The former Soviet Union collapsed because it was flat broke after decades of economic mismanagement and a lack of rock ‘n’ roll music, blue jeans, and America fast food (okay, maybe not the last three but the Russian people went nuts once they could get all three and not get chunked into a Siberian gulag).

Reports have suggested that the Russian economy may be closer to collapse than anyone realizes and mainly because of two things: the fall of the Assad regime in Syria and the war in Ukraine. Syria being free of the Assad regime means that Russia has lost a crucial part of the Middle East and is on the run from there. And Ukraine… well they continue to kick the shit out of the Russians every damn time they can and have held out and fought back harder than anyone realizes. In turn, they’ve drained the Russian economy very badly. At this point, the Russians are starting to use North Korean soldiers to fight their battles and these poor bastards are dying for another dictator that doesn’t give a damn about them.

So what could happen if Russia goes on its’ ass again? Well, in all likelihood another bastard will replace Putin but if that bastard inherits an empty bank account and an empty vault… well that bastard, whoever the hell he might be, might have to figure out a way to stop hemorrhaging what little is left and make some serious concessions in the process, such as possibly withdrawing from Ukraine and trying to make nice with Europe and sell them shit that Europe cut them off from (such as natural gas). In turn, this would put one big wild card into play here in the United States, and that is the dirty money that has flowed into this country into media disinformation, the Republican Party, and a shit-ton of dirty money that’s been laundered here in real estate and stuff.

If Russia goes on its’ ass, I think the Republican Party will shit their fucking pants and that might not go too well. But without the money to back it up, it might be just a lot of screaming shit-fits and breakdowns and capitulations. Maybe we’ll get the see the full Mueller Report, and watch the conservative establishment in this country devour itself. Sounds pretty good but shit-heads inevitably get innocent people involved in their shit so hopefully if Russia falls on its’ ass, the Resistance here will be in place ready to take up the slack.

It’s these ‘wild cards’ as I’ll call them, these possibilities along with other shit happening like it always does that give me hope in a slightly irreverent, sarcastic way because I think a lot of people won’t know what to do when this shit happens. And the people I’m talking about here are the seventy million people that voted for Trump and his Republican moron squad. Because Trump and the Republican moron squad will descend into chaos if Russia goes on its’ ass and maybe just maybe, they’ll capitulate and back down from some of their worst shit-plans like the mass deportations.

If there is anything I’ve learned in the last eight years it’s that life itself is very unpredictable. Because when I start thinking about things in my inevitable, deep-dive, what-if way, I see wild cards still in play on the table. And in turn, I don’t know how those cards will play out. But I do know this, if Russia goes on its’ ass, I think the Republican party and the conservative media-disinformation machine will start to break down and fail. And inevitably, the rest of us, aka the Resistance, will have to pick up the pieces and repair the damage.

And yes, when shit comes down the pike, or is narrowly averted, there will be a lot of ‘I told you so’s’ before everything is all said and done. My version of it will be ‘Now You Know’ followed by ‘What Are You Going To Do About It?’.

So whenever I start to feel that slide into the pit of despair, I tell myself one thing now:

There are more than a few wild cards in play in our world. And no one knows when and how they will be played, and how things will go after that.

Though I will always wonder if one wild card is Godzilla coming out of the ocean to stomp the shit out of everything.

Conversations From the Road – Where Do We Go From Here?

Leave a reply

News just came down this afternoon that Special Counsel Jack Smith has resigned from the United States Department of Justice. He turned in his final reports last week and his resignation was effective yesterday. One report should see the light of day but whether or not the other one will remains to be seen. But in reality, these reports could be leaked online in full, Mr. Smith could sit down for a three-hour interview, and nothing would change. The outcries are gone, drowned in eight years of bullshit and lies, hatred and cruelty.

So where do we go from here?

I’m asking this question because my reaction to this afternoon’s news is hitting me in a way that really makes me realize that nothing will change the minds of the seventy-million people who voted for a convicted felon for President (Yes, in the eyes of the laws of New York state, Donald Trump is a convicted felon).

Eight years ago, my faith in the American people was shattered into a million pieces. I thought I’d picked up those pieces and learned how to glue them back together, especially last summer and fall when for one hundred days I had hope like I hadn’t had in a very long time. But then in one night, my faith was shattered yet again.

How many times can we go through this shit?

In my lifetime, to me American politics has been lather, rinse, repeat. I was born three months before Richard Nixon resigned and the first President I remembered was Jimmy Carter (RIP), a good man but then I saw a man elected who was NOT a good man. Reagan was a bastard of a President who started off with letting fifty-two American hostages remain in captivity for over a year simply to get elected. He gutted the American middle-class and gave birth to the monster that is right-wing media. And maybe he stood up to the Soviet Union but he sure as hell didn’t bring it or the Berlin Wall down.

Then there was Bush, Senior and his thousand-points-of-light, compassionate conservative bullshit and a war that he started to try to get elected again.

Then I was old enough to vote and a funny guy and his not-so-funny buddy ran for President and I got my first taste of hope with the Bill and Al show, and saw Hillary Clinton as anything but the stand-by-your-man woman. But eight years later, I saw how hypocrites in Congress and a President who listened to all the wrong advice led to a borderline-idiot getting into the White House. Then I got to see a war started on false pretenses, more trickle-down economic bullshit, and the right-wing hate machine come into full afterburn going after women.

I love Mr. Obama and think the world of him but for me, it was too little too late. Frankly, I was surprised he got a second term but I think that was because the Russian misinformation campaign hadn’t fully taken off yet.

Then there was Trump, a blowhard lying, cheating sack of human crap who managed to create a cult of personality full of idiots and Nazis and backed by the dirtiest of Russian money. 2020 was a damn fluke in my opinion but again, too little too late though Joe Biden did his absolute best (thanks, Mr. Biden).

So, where do we go from here?

I don’t know. The future sure as hell isn’t set but whether there will be one remains to be seen. So far, someone has kept the nuclear football far away from the incoming President but the slow and very painful demise of our planet may be a worse way to die than in a flash of blinding light.

I write now to leave something behind, something that may survive the slow burn of the planet, or maybe deep in the vaults somewhere after the mushroom cloud rains down its’ last bits of ash and human remains. My ‘Now You Know’ is a worthy project but I feel it is too little, too late, but since there is time, I might as well do something with it. Because I don’t know what will pull it out unless a lot more people have to die, or suffer, or if we reach people one at a time.

I will say one last thing here: my fears of being hated and shit on are totally gone. If someone does have something to say to me, they can sure as hell find their tits or balls and say it to my face. I know I’ve pretty much heard it all and I’m still here.

So as long as I’ve got breathe to draw into my body that doesn’t burn my lungs to a crisp, a keyboard, and light in the darkness, I’ll still write, and maybe someday, we’ll truly pull it out of our asses. Or somewhere in the distant future, the remnants of humanity will start over and find records of the past, and maybe just maybe, learn from them once and for all.

Conversations From the Road – Working With, Not Against

Leave a reply

Yesterday, I saw this response to the question, how did you know your partner was ‘the one’?:

When you have a partner who works with you, and not against you, the whole world opens up.

I feel this applies not just to romantic relationships, but to all relationships in life. Because why would you want to be with someone who works against you and not with you? And working with someone isn’t just blithely going along with them but actively talking and working things through and supporting each other at the same time which yes, is possible.

Yet why do people stay with people who work against them? There are more than a few answers to that but I’ll address some here.

First, I think we make too many excuses for shitty behavior instead of directly confronting it. Why? Because most people who do shitty things don’t like being called out for it. They’ve rationalized their bad behavior and in reality, I don’t think anything you say or do to them will stop it. They have to make that change and as my mother always used to say, people like that very rarely, if ever, change.

Second, well, they didn’t used to be like that. Yes, people change and sometimes not for the better. That’s not a valid reason to put up with someone’s shit thinking they’ll suddenly realize the error of their ways and change back. No, they made the decision to change for the worse and it’s their decision whether or not to change for the better.

Third, a threat to you that if you leave or end the relationship you won’t find anyone else to care for you or who will love you like they do. I call ‘bullshit’ on that because if you care about someone, you don’t treat them like shit. And despite these assholes telling you that you’re a worthless human being no one will love, that’s a lie, too. I do believe there are people in this world who will love and care about you without treating you like shit in the process. In the meantime, being on your own isn’t a bad thing, either.

So, how would you know someone is working with you and not against you?

First, I think it would be that you don’t feel like shit around them, or worry about them treating you like shit or blowing up at you for some stupid little thing. People who work with you work on keeping their shit together and dealing with it instead of bottling it up then crapping it out of their mouths when they can’t do that anymore.

Second, they support you in every way they can. They work out an equitable way of doing things together and don’t trash your efforts as less than theirs. They don’t see themselves in competition with you at all.

Third, they don’t leave you all alone to deal with shit. They’re by your side no matter how bad things get, and they comfort you without being asked to.

Now, I’m going to confess here that I’ve been terrified of trying to be a true working-for partner because I’ve been afraid of rejection, of making someone ‘uncomfortable’, of mis-reading them and the situation. I’ve wanted to be there for people and I think I’ve been an awful failure in doing that, and in turn I put out a vibe that I didn’t want that for myself, either. But in explanation, not defense, I will say that I didn’t want someone to feel ‘uncomfortable’ in reaching out to me because they didn’t want to or worse, they took pity on me and really didn’t think I deserved any real comfort or support, and that I should have just done things on my own all along.

So this is a new goal in life: find people who work with me, not against me. I think that’s the key to any successful relationship because when I think about it, that idea of working with, not against, makes perfect sense.

I’m at the point in my life where I won’t make excuses for someone’s bad behavior, or feel like I’m a terrible person for not being able to ‘read’ a situation or a person absolutely perfectly every single time I’m with them. If someone can’t listen to me and think before they speak, then why should I want to be with them? Because I have promised myself to do my absolute best to listen and think before speaking.

But to wrap this up, find someone to work with you, not against you.

Conversations From the Road – A Commitment to Myself

Leave a reply

Yesterday I said I’d committed myself to yet another writing project and I’m going to fulfill that commitment. But I asked myself why I still feel fear at doing something like that and the answer came to me today:

Fear of humiliating myself.

Which I then told myself is a fear I really don’t have anymore. Yes, I used to be completely and totally scared shitless about doing something because if I somehow attracted attention for it, I’d be humiliated for it because I’d fuck it up in some way.

In reality, humiliation isn’t about fucking up in public. It’s not about being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or saying or doing the wrong thing. It’s about people reacting badly to you when you’re not doing anything wrong. Maybe you’re not perfect in how you say or do things but then no one is, even if they say they are or worse, act like they are and have dumb-ass minions bowing down and kissing their asses telling them they’re the smartest people in the room.

Humiliation is about trying to silence someone or get them to bow their heads in shame and submission. And it’s done by people who can’t really put into words why they’re doing that shit past a certain point. Because once I made stand against that kind of shit by asking people, “And your point is?”, I didn’t get a straight answer and in turn, they backed off.

This has got me thinking and wondering how many people hold themselves back because they don’t want to deal with someone’s bullshit attempt at humiliating them into silence or submission?

First, I will respect anyone’s decision not to do something even if it is out of fear. Because everyone has to figure things out for themselves and work things out in their own way. And most of all, I understand this fear and silence all too well.

But, I will always say that if you learn how to stand up for yourself, even in subtle ways, you’ll make your point and call people out on their bullshit.

Case in point: over the last few weeks I’ve had several little comments from passengers about the speed I sometimes drive at. Sometimes, I do take it slow because of driving conditions such as pitch-darkness where there are deer running around and I don’t want to hit Bambi. Or when it’s wet and slick, like it will be tomorrow morning. Or I’m coming up to multiple stoplights and I sure as hell don’t need to speed up then slam on the brakes. Most of the time, I don’t say anything and eventually I do speed up when I have the room and the road conditions to do so. Occasionally, I do get an opportunity to say one thing, “Yep.”, or “Nope.”, and let it go at that. Because I don’t have time for someone’s bullshit and if someone is running late, that’s not my fault because they could have called or scheduled the ride earlier.

The point of this is to try to work through fear of committing to something even if you don’t know the outcome, and also work through your fears and learn how to stand up for yourself in your own way. I haven’t had the pleasure of using, “And your fucking point is?”, yet in my life but someday I’m sure I will. But I’m finding that although my messed-up brain likes to play out scenarios in my head where I am hit by a barrage of shit for doing something, I know I won’t react like I used to long ago: I won’t freeze up. I’ll stand my ground and measure my words out before speaking.

This new project, “Now You Know”, seems daunting to me but I feel like it’s not about me really. It’s not about me facing my fears or anything like that. It’s about me making a stand and maybe being one of the last ones left standing, a feeling I know all too well from my past. But unlike my past, it won’t be a stand in silence, but one where the people know why I’m standing, and what I stand for. Because I’m not trying to change minds because I can’t pull people’s heads out of their asses. I just want people to think before they shoot their mouths off, or before they vote. And I really want people to find their tits or balls and stand up for what’s right, and quit shitting all over everything that’s good in this world.

It’s okay to commit yourself to something even if you don’t know the potential outcome. And it’s okay to walk away from that commitment if circumstances prove that’s the right decision. But please, don’t walk away from a commitment out of a fear of being humiliated because you don’t have to take that kind of shit. Because as my daddy always used to say, you don’t have to take shit if you’re not giving anyone shit to begin with.

Make a commit to yourself because you want to, and follow through on it as best as you can.

Conversations From the Road – The Thrill of a Good Book

Leave a reply

I was feeling like crap for a while today- gray and chilly-icky outside which made my joints hurt, allergies still kicking my ass as they always do, and I started my period today. But once my head cleared, I sat in front of my laptop as it did a file cleanup (yeah, it slows down and then does this file clean-up thing that can take a while). So I pulled out my charged-up Kindle and finished the book I’d started and here I am.

I love it when I finish a really good book. And I just finished one I started before the end of the year but was finally able to get a clear head and some time to finish today. The book is “The Most Wonderful Crime of the Year” by Ally Carter. It’s the first book I’ve read from this author but trust me, I’ll be reading more by her. It’s a very clever, very well-written mystery and romance with more twists and turns than a massive maze on a massive English country estate (if you read the book, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Link to buy here.

Over the last few years, my reading has slacked off considerably. A lot of it is due to problems I have with concentrating due to what I will mental and emotional bullshit, physical issues like massive sinus problems and exhaustion due to my perimenopausal journey from Hell, and a brain that works way too hard sometimes. Needless to say, I’ve told myself I want to read more this year and I’ve started off on the right page here with this book.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how my parents kept me in books when I was a kid. I was an insatiable reader when I was young, reading everything I could get my hands on and if I didn’t have new stuff to read, I re-read what I had till the books literally fell apart and I had to tape them back together. Thank goodness for libraries and parents who bought me books both new and used. Later on when I began to earn my own money, most of it went for books. Books were always something I had and I’ve had tons of them over the years.

But in the last eight years or so, my reading really began to slack off. I haven’t binged-read as I’ll call it here for years and I miss that. Binge-reading was where I’d read a book by someone and love it then search out their entire catalog and read that, too. It was where I always had a book to read in my purse and by my bedside and always would be pulling books off my shelves to read over and over. Heck, I read so many books so many times I can practically quote them from memory. I also do this binging with movies, tv shows, and music so that’s why I can quote stuff from memory.

Sometimes with books, movies and music, I would get story ideas and have to run with those for awhile and that’s gotten so bad from time to time that I’ve cut back on my movie and tv watching. I think I did that because maybe it was easier for me to generate ideas than it was just to get caught up in something. I mean, I always got ideas from stuff like movies and tv and songs, but to use it as an excuse not to watch or really listen to anything was an over-reaction. But my anxiety and accompanying crap can take something good and twist it into something I feel like I have to avoid.

I know this probably sounds weird to a lot of people but us neurodivergent folk like me are weird to begin with so how we consume things can be very different than most people. Us neurodivergent folks can become totally obsessed with things to where we have to seek out every last detail we can find, and in my case, I can recall it fast. I have a lot of what I think would be called ‘eras’ now, times when I got into this or that then got away from them. My dad was the same way and I have a lot of friends like me so for the longest time, I didn’t think it was all that weird to go all-in on something then set aside for the next-best thing.

But the thrill of a good book has never gone away for me and in the last few years there have been some really good books that have given me this thrill. And it’s not just the thrill from a really good story but it’s also the inspiration for me to continue working on my own stuff. Because I’ve always felt my writing was a way to pay it forward in gratitude for all the authors I’ve loved in appreciation for all their hard work and dedication in sharing their stories. I hope someday someone says they get a thrill from my work and want to dive deeply into it (once I have a body of work, that is). And hopefully…. It won’t be an obsession for someone a la Stephen King’s ‘Misery’ (great story but a bit scary to think about, so I won’t).

So this year, in addition to continuing to get my shit together once and for all, I plan to put the pedal to the metal and read more, and watch more, too. Maybe at some point I’ll start a review-weekly wrap-up kind of feature and I will say my tastes can go in a lot of very different directions. But when I read a good book, I want everyone to know that because I love recommending good books and supporting authors.

Conversations From the Road – On the Road Again

Leave a reply

This morning I was on the road a little after three a.m. (yes, I do up that early most days, and have now for the last couple of years or so) and by daybreak, I had been from one end of the city, and county. Best of all though, and best of every morning I’m on the road, is I got to see the sunrise. I love the way the sky changes color from jet-black, to dark blue, then the colors of light, red, orange, yellow, and sky-blue. Then if there’s not heavy cloud cover, I get to see the sun itself slowly rise up over the horizon and into the sky. And when I see that, I say a little prayer of thanks to God for giving me another day.

I’m not a church-goer or adherent to any one religious faith or creed as I believe the Universe is seen, heard, and felt by each person in their own way. But when I ‘pray’, I’m sending my thoughts and feelings out into the Universe. I say ‘thanks’ for my own life, and I say prayers for those who are hurting, sad, lonely, or in need. A few years ago, I had a young man in the car one night and he said he was a Divinity student and asked if he could pray for me. I told him I was okay and thankful for what I had, and that I pray for others in need.

I don’t do ‘resolutions’ because I don’t feel like I need to focus on ‘improving’ myself because I’ve done the work as the saying goes now, and I will always continue to do the work of treating and healing my wounds and doing my best to learn how to face things head-on. I’m not perfect, and I sure as hell won’t let anyone hold me to that perfection-shit either. This is why I think people should focus on learning about how and why they think and feel the way they do and to learn from that. That’s a lifelong process and not something that someone just needs to ‘get over’. Being on the road every day shows me this because I do a lot of my best thinking in the darkness before the dawn when everything is quiet and still and I’m all alone with my thoughts.

Instead, I have goals. My primary goal is to get my van up and running to where I can live and work on the road. Another goal is to work to generate income to live on from my creative work like my blog and website here and other things. Yet another goal is to try and improve my health one step at a time because I don’t do the ‘exercise-eat healthy-weight loss’ thing for some aesthetic bullshit and no one else should either.

Another big thing I want to work on this year is managing my neurodivergent-ADHD tendencies better. I don’t want sticky notes and phone numbers to be places where good intentions go to die, like they seem to do so now. I want stuff like this to be ways for me focus and concentrate and do things and not let ADHD-bullshit as I will now call it, make me immobile. Because most of all, I know it’s my ADHD-bullshit that says ‘someone’ will be pissed off at me if I do something and if that ever happens I’ll just freeze up and go silent like I did in the past. I won’t go silent ever again and in the last eight years, no one has ever come at me for this and if somehow that ever does happen, I’m more than ready.

I also want to find ways to reach out and help people, small ways because I need to take things in small steps. I want to learn how to give back because I think we need to do this now more than ever. And yet again, I have to learn how to overcome the thought that ‘someone’ will come at me for this (yes, my brain is that fucked up to where this thought comes up way too often).

I think if I didn’t have the road, I would have gone clear around the bend years ago. I think I would have ended up under a bridge somewhere lost and out of my mind if I hadn’t been able to get on the road every day and drive. I know when my Uber days I’ll end, I’ll miss it. But I know that I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life and the road of that chapter will be wide-open and ready for me.

I know the road can be hard sometimes, very hard indeed with monster traffic, gobs of idiots and assholes, and sometimes it’s like life itself. My father used to say sometimes life hands you a big bucket of steaming shit that you have to carry around for a while despite the stench that times will make you want to puke. But you have to carry it until you can find a place to put it down.

On the road, in the middle of the night, or on an early morning like today, it’s not bad at all.

So as I said this morning, from the old song ‘Signs’:

Thank you Lord, for thinking about me

I’m alive and doing fine

Songwriters: Les Emmerson

Signs lyrics © Sony/atv Acuff Rose Music, Unichappell Music Inc., Galeneye Music