Tag Archives: #Books

How Hard Is It to Write a Happy Ending Right Now?

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It’s a hard time to be a romance novelist and writer happy endings. But then it’s been hard since 2016 with just a brief reprieve from 2021 to 2024. Why is that, you ask?

Well, if you’re not a raging MAGA, or pearl-clutching, hand-wringing, uptight conservative, it’s really hard unless you learn how to block out your news feed and all the emotions that come with it. Because yes, dear readers here, us liberal Democratic female romance writers have had a shit-ton of trouble writing our happy romance stories since 2016. And why does it go back to 2016?

Because in 2016, seventy-something million American voters chose a lying, cheating, racist, misogynistic pedophile for President and again in 2024. But in 2016, this ripped off the mask so many people had worn for so long that hid their support for this lying, cheating, racist, misogynistic pedophile man and all of his fellow monsters. It exposed a large group of people who supported this shit because they got high off it like a bunch of junkies, or were hardcore racists to begin with. And in the romance writing community I’ve been a part of for over thirty years, it exposed a terrible group of writers and supporters who had suppressed authors of color for decades and had the rest of us going along in silence.

Because dear readers, when I joined my first (and only) romance writers group in 1997, I was told NOT to discuss politics or any type of political or social issue online because it could alienate readers and editors and publishers.

This was complete and total fucking bullshit because if a reader or publishing professional can’t handle me speaking out against awful shit in this world like racism, misogyny, or doesn’t like that I’m an ally to the LGBTQ+ community, then that’s on them. And with stinking rank frankness, I don’t want to have anything to do with people like that. But it would take a decade to learn how to say that out loud and online. And you know what? I haven’t had a lot of push-back from it- no nasty emails or DM’s, just the occasional comment that I’ve usually deleted or blocked, which I will continue because there is NO debate when it comes to human rights for all people.

Also, in 2017, the romance writing community stood up when the Romance Writers of America’s annual contest hat year had NO finalists who were authors of color. The year after that, a committee was formed and the contest guidelines and judging criteria was overhauled to combat that racism and in turn, the contest then had three finalists who were authors of color. And dear readers, that’s when the shit hit the fan and the members of that committee were subjected to a shit-storm of hate which they still won’t talk about to this day (and I totally support that as it was traumatic as hell). In 2025, Romance Writers of America filed for bankruptcy reorganization and revealed they had less than three-thousand members down from an all-time high of almost eleven-thousand before 2017.

This fracture of the romance-writing community has yet to heal completely, and it never will. And it was because a group of writers refused to embrace diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI, to piss off any right-wing jerk reading this). And it was because so many of us faced our shame and guilt in our silence and have busted our asses to do better. Worst of all, it showed that despite the lies spewed by this racist group of assholes, they didn’t believe in the happy endings that are the core of the romance genre.

The rest of us had to ask ourselves some very hard questions as to why we thought and felt the way we did and most of all, we had to learn to break our silence. We’ve recovered but with scars, and a faith that is permanently scarred. We had to learn how to compartmentalize our feelings in order to write the stories we do, to find hope in people finding love. But yes, there are still days when the shit in this world kicks our asses in a lot of ways. And I’m burning that shit out here so I can write the stories I want to.

For over thirty years as a romance reader and writer, I’ve taken a lot of shit for believing in good over evil, love conquering hate, and love that heals. And in the last decade, I’ve learned to stand up for my beliefs and not take shit from anyone for it. It’s made me a stronger person, and a better writer. I’m proud of what I read and write, and I’m proud of myself for firing something like this off and not backing down from it.

So who would have thought a bunch of romance-loving writers and readers would be a part of the Resistance, especially on the days when the happy endings don’t always come easy? But a happy ending isn’t guaranteed. It’s written by people who work their asses off and believe in them no matter how awful this world is. Because as my father use to say, “The world needs happy endings.”

Behind the Story: My Complicated Relationship With Writing Along With Some Writing Advice, Too

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Yesterday and the day before, I came up with new subtitles for my non-fiction books (Breaking Radio Silence: As Done By An Eldest Daughter, Stand or Fall: Stand For Something, Or Fall For Anything). Today, I’m completing the trilogy with this one:

Behind the Story: My Complicated Relationship With Writing Along With Some Writing Advice, Too

When you read this book, you’ll understand my complicated relationship with writing as I started doing it at a young age, and for reasons I’m finally ready to start talking about. It’s also my story of coming of age as a writer from the tag end of the analog days when everything was done on paper and or primitive word processing software, and into the digital era. I’ll also include some advice because I’ve learned a few things. And I’ll include my opinions about what makes good writing, what it means to be a writer, and of course, my legendary tirades against AI-assisted writing and other assorted writing-related crap.

This book has been the one I’ve done the least amount of work on so I’m playing catch-up and that’s mostly because I’ve felt very self-conscious about talking about writing. I mean, what do I know about writing? Just as much as any other writer who has kept up with it as long as I have. But talking about writing has felt awkward because to people who don’t write, this kind of writing talk is alien at best, and seen as self-indulgent naval-gazing at its’ worst.

But this book is not being written for non-writers so they can try and understand writers and writing. A non-writer will come to this book with a perspective totally different from mine but in the end, I’m not writing for them. The audience for this book is for my fellow writers, from teenage newbies to middle-aged crank-butts like me who might be struggling. It’s not for wannabes, meaning if you’re just playing around with writing and treat it as a coffee-klatch kind of thing… don’t even think about coming at me with your ignorant self-righteous bullshit.

Yet I think I’ve hit on what the problem has been in that it is that this book is for writers and I’m going to aim directly for that audience. And dear readers, I’ve read a ton of writing books over the last forty years, taken classes and seminars both in person and online (though it’s been a long time since I’ve done that), and I’ve kept up on the business. And one big criticism is that writers today don’t seem to be taking it seriously, which is a crock of shit. Because there have always been people who play at writing, the coffee-klatchers as I like to call them and you know if they want to treat writing like a hobby and not make any effort to fine-tune it, that’s their prerogative. But I’ve taken it seriously since day one by writing, and rewriting, editing, learning the craft, learning the business, and feeling like I’ve had to fight like hell at times to be taken seriously. And that’s where my story is: my journey from the earliest pen-and-paper days to the days when I busted my ass to hit goals and submit and get rejected and pick myself up off the floor and keep writing. Now we’re in the digital self-published era and that’s a whole section of the story that’s been writing as I work through it.

With forty years of experience behind me, I realize I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. The writing business has changed from a gate-kept fortress you had to find a way into to a self-publishing cornucopia that’s so crowded you have to find a way out of the crowd. I’m amused by the change from a gate-kept fortress to a massively-crowded cornucopia of books and blogs and other mediums. But life is strange, and reality is always stranger than fiction and I will add, writing is anything but predictable.

In the end, I do hope I reach a writer (or two or three, or more, maybe) and give them something to work with, and help them believe in themselves. Nothing is guaranteed in life, especially writing success however you define that. But I also believe in possibilities and that you don’t know what those possibilities are until you go out and find them and see how they pay off, or don’t pay off. Most of all, I’m not perfect and I don’t strive for it for myself or for anyone else, either. Perfection only happens in the briefest moments in time, so the rest of the time we’re just trying to do the best we can with what we have to work with. My advice is just keep at it until you can’t anymore, but don’t give up on yourself either.

Stand or Fall: Take a Stand, Or Fall for Anything

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Image by Sang Hyun Cho from Pixabay

There’s an old saying that’s also a line in the song, ‘Take a Shot’ from the musical ‘Hamilton’:

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

Yesterday I wrote about how I came up with a subtitle for my book ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ (which was: As Done By An Eldest Daughter). Today I got the subtitle for my book ‘Stand or Fall’: Take a Stand, Or Fall For Anything. The origin of this subtitle comes from an old saying I first heard when I was a kid:

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

Now the origin of this quote is a bit murky as it’s usually attributed to either Malcom X or Alexander Hamilton (here’s a link to an article tracing known sources of it), but I think it’s something we all need to live by. Because staying on the sidelines, trying to be neutral, or saying both sides are the same doesn’t work anymore. And in reality, it never did. Instead it led to what we have in the world today: massive poverty, income inequality, raging wars, climate change, massive corruption, and fanaticism.

Being the neurodivergent weirdo kid I was, I’ve been into politics from a very young age. My first memories of politics were right-wing Republican assholes wanting to censor the rock music I loved, and ban the books I loved to read. That made me see conservatives as bullies. Then by the time I was about twelve years old and using my allowance and babysitting money to buy books and magazines, I started throwing in Time, Newsweek, and Rolling Stone  in along with my teen magazines. From a young age, I watched ABC World News Tonight with Peter Jennings and CNN whenever I could. And I read the newspaper every day, too. So I’ve been consuming news and history as it’s happened for over forty years. And no, I’m not claiming to be an expert but I do know how to research and also, what’s happened in the last forty years in American politics.

I’ve always seen conservative right-wing Republican ideology like the Dark Side of the Force. It’s always been driven by hatred, anger, and outrage. It was born from a rich white establishment that didn’t want to share anything at all and has now reached the point of no return. At this point, they’re running on vapor fumes and are in a last-ditch attempt to bring themselves out of a stall.

I first voted in 1992 when I turned eighteen and it was when Bill Clinton and Al Gore ran for President. Their campaign reached out to my generation through MTV and late-night talk shows (this was before social media) and it was quite a time. But by the end of the decade, it crashed and burned. Then in 2003, The Chicks were brutally canceled when they spoke out against the Bush administration’s lies in the runup to the invasion of Iraq. By then, I had silenced myself pretty hard but I NEVER stopped being a liberal progressive Democrat. I loved Barack Obama and I still think he is one of the best Presidents we’ve ever had. But I also saw how the rich white establishment lost its’ collective shit over a black man being elected President and I saw the storm building to what happened in 2016.

A lot of people like me, progressive liberal Democrats were in a state of shock after the election in 2016 and one big question was asked: was it all for nothing? Meaning did we believe in something that wasn’t real, and if so, how in the hell could we not see that? In reality, we hadn’t been loud enough, and we hadn’t stood as tall and proudly as we could. Most of all, we had NOT fought near as hard as we should have for the values we believed in. So in the last ten years, it’s been about breaking silence around things we were told not to talk about like racism, poverty, income inequality, climate change, and the fact that the conservative right-wing establishment had climbed into bed with white supremacist Russian-backed Nazis and fucked their brains out and loudly proclaimed how much they enjoyed it. This is why I say the right-wing Republican establishment has no bottom, but is just a black hole that will eventually collapse on itself.

So this book of mine here has been about trying to make sense of it all, but also making a stand, and making it completely clear what I stand for. Because if you do stand for something, and always have like me, you will never fall for anything wrong. You’ll stand alone sometimes, and you’ll piss people off though for all the right reasons as I like to say. You won’t be ‘uncomfortable’, but angry and determined to do something about it. And taking a stand isn’t being ‘divisive’. No, divisiveness is because of anger and outrage used as a distraction from the real issues that need to be addressed. And although the left-wing side of the house is big, diverse, and imperfect and sometimes kind of fucked up, too, deep down, the goals are the same, and mistakes are made but can be learned from and corrected.

Liberal ideology is not about perfection, but about changing things for the better, and that means standing on that.

So Many Words, So Little Time

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So many words, so little time

This phrase came into my mind a couple of days ago while I was on the road and it’s stayed with me since. It’s my play on a famous saying of the late Frank Zappa, “So many books, so little time.”

For me, it’s about having all these words flying around my head and nowhere near enough time to put them all down to where I can work on them. But I’ve also been in the throes of perimenopause these past two weeks so I also say my body hates my guts and because of that, my brain can’t handle more than the minimum requited daily responsibilities. Lucky for me, I found something that helps one crazy perimenopause symptom which is when monster cramps make me bloat up and gassy (and give me the runs at the worst possible time, like when I’m on the road): ginger ale.

But enough about my wonked-out perimenopausal body….

Right now, my first poetry book is just waiting for me to format it and get it out into the world. But my laptop here is on Windows 10 and couldn’t update to Windows 11 so I need a new laptop, which means scrimping and saving up for one. I want to take my time and get the formatting right on this book so it’s in a holding pattern right now.

Then I need to finish my first steamy, spicy, sexy short story collection. I want to do ten stories and I’ve got six already written so I just need to finish four more. Problem is, I have to be in the mood to write these kinds of stories because if I’m physically uncomfortable, I can’t write these kinds of stories.

Then there are the big books, the non-fiction triumvirate from Hell as I have lovingly referred to them: Breaking Radio Silence, Stand or Fall, and Behind the Story. I’m finally getting stuff into the ‘Behind the Story’ file though it’s still behind the other two in terms of overall material.

It’s not so much that I wish for more hours in a day, but better health to work in those hours. Less stress would be helpful, too though I just need to stabilize a couple of things in order to reduce that. I’ve lived on next to nothing for so long I’m used to it and can function quite well that way. I think once I get my stuff out into the world I’ll be on the road to the big goal, of course, which is still my van.

Years ago, when writers liked to hard-ass each other, any time someone mentioned how physically tired and stressed out they were, a chorus of biddies would come on and say to push through it and all that. But what did that do to those of us who did push through when we should have eased back? I think it fucked a lot of us up and burned more than a few of us out. I’m beginning to wonder if all those times I just physically couldn’t sit down long enough to focus and concentrate were due to the fact I was burned out from pushing through and making myself write when I should have taken care of myself instead. Because here’s the thing with me: I didn’t get anything published during those years I pushed myself like that, and after a while I had a lot of trouble finishing stuff because I felt like I burned myself out on the project in front of me (multiple times, too).

From now on, I’m going to tell myself that yes I have a shit-ton of words inside my head, but they don’t need to all come out at once or in a mad rush that I push myself through. Instead, I’ll tell myself the old-writers biddy club is no more, and if any  of those old biddies did crawl out of their sewer and spew their crap at me I’d tell them to fuck off. Thankfully, the writing community has evolved to where I don’t see this hard push very often these days. The words will be there if and when you’re ready to write them.

Now, I want to address the fact that if it doesn’t get written, it doesn’t get done. That’s true but unless you’re on a contracted deadline, you can be flexible on when they get done. I never thought I’d get my poetry book together but after working on it here and there, I got it together and ready to format. I am amazed that I’ve written six steamy, spicy, sexy stories and that I’ve just got four more to write. The great thing about these stories is that once I’m in the mood, so to speak, I can write them within a matter of days. And as for my other projects, I’m learning that I can work on them in pieces then put them all together later. Most of all, I’m learning how to treat myself better as a writer and not be such a hard-ass. In fact, I’ll tell you this:

Don’t hard-ass yourself with your writing. Or your life for that matter. Unless the shit is raining down on you like a storm from hell, take your time when you can. And don’t let anyone push you around otherwise. Because unless they’re willing to help you in some way, they can fuck all the way off.

So yes, there are so many words in me, and so little time, but my time is my own.

Why Does It Take Me So Long to Write Something?

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I’m writing this blog post today for myself first (as I always do) to get my words out onto the page where I can see them, and I’m also writing this as practice if I ever get asked this question by someone in the future:

Why has it taken me so long to get to the point I’m at on my various book projects?

First, I’m not on a contracted deadline nor have I put myself on a deadline on my own. I have a life to live, one that includes earning a living in order to survive, and one that includes taking care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. And there is NO timeline needed to figure things out.

So first up, my self-help/memoire book, ‘Breaking Radio Silence’. This one has been almost ten years in the making as the original concept first came to me about nine years ago. The memoire-part has been the part that’s probably kept me from diving into this because I know I will be reopening old wounds. So I’m stocking up on bandages and needles and assorted wound-care products (metaphorically, of course). But I realize that I also need to focus on the self-help aspect, which are the things I want to directly convey to readers. The self-help aspects will be backed up by the origin stories and my own experiences. I know in the last ten years or so, a lot of people have been doing this kind of work, and more are doing it now. And I want to contribute to that with my message of breaking radio silence.

Second, my political book as I’ve called it, ‘Stand or Fall’. Ten years ago, it was just a way of trying to document the total insanity at times of the last ten years politically and socially. It’s also become a project where I have had to delve into the history behind all this crazy-ass shit. And as of right now, it’s still a story without an ending. But I know what I want to talk about, the research that I need to compile, and the homework assignments I want to create so all the people who read this book and like to do their own ‘due diligence’ or their own research will have sources they can start with. Please note, these homework assignments won’t be graded by me and won’t be a part of anyone’s permanent record.

Third, Uber Tales has been an exercise in how to put eight years’ worth of experience in a book. Today I realized that it will be written in tandem with ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ because so much of my road-time contributed to ‘Breaking’ while so much of that book will be a part of ‘Uber Tales’. Hence the reason I’ve titled the book, ‘Uber Tales: Stories and Thoughts From the Road’.

Fourth, my writing book ‘Behind the Story’. This is the book I’ve actually done the least amount of work on because I’m still trying to figure out the structure on this one. Part memoire about me and writing, and part writing instruction it’s one I can come to after writing the first three books above along with my fiction and poetry.

And I’ve come to realize my fiction and poetry will keep sane throughout this whole crazy ride on the non-fiction writing train I feel like I’m finally getting ready to board. Because when I write fiction, I’m in my fictional worlds and that is a respite that is very-much needed. Poetry is when I need to let off steam on something or think things out in lines and stanzas, and blogging when I want to write whole paragraphs. And yes, there are more things I want to do but I tell myself those opportunities are just waiting for me to get to them.

But getting back to the question I started out with here, why has it taken me so long to reach the point I’m at now? Because for starters, all my stuff starts out as a very basic idea. Nothing comes out fully-formed and fully-functional, especially if I’ve never tried to do anything like it before. Second, I have to take care of myself first because I work for me, myself, and I and I will not run myself down and burn myself out for anyone or anything. Third, I have to deal with the fact that my wounds will be reopening and continue to reopen for the rest of my life, especially as I write. Somedays this is easier to deal with than others. Also, I’m not going to cobble together something that doesn’t work to the best of my ability, and I don’t know what the best of my ability is until I do the work and find out. But I’ll know what is my best when I see it and read it.

Finally, I’m not going to be silent about this and I sure as hell won’t take any shit from anyone about it either. I’m not too ambitious and or too full of myself or whatever bullshit some asshole might want to throw at me. Been there, done that, survived it. Now it’s my time to write about it.

Finding My Voice in Multiple Takes

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Yesterday afternoon, I wrote a brand-new introduction to my upcoming poetry book, ‘Full Circle’. I wrote the original introduction back in June but I wasn’t happy with it. It had a lot of anger in it because when I first started putting my poetry book together, I remembered when I started writing poetry again back in 2019 and the first emotion that surfaced was anger.

Why?

Because I was remembering the troll who crawled out of the slime back then to try and silence me simply because they could (no, I’m not going to identify them by gender just to piss them off on the off-chance they ever see this). It was ugly behavior but I didn’t react to it like I would today. Back then, I seriously thought about not writing poetry ever again and just silencing myself to save myself from the trouble of dealing with someone like that. And I will admit here, I was afraid if I continued they would try to stop me by trying to turn people against me. That was a fear I had just begun to deal with back then so that fear was what was trying to drive me back into silence.

Luckily, my dear friend Deborah stepped in and supported and encouraged me to keep writing my poetry. She stood by me strongly and gave me the confidence to continue writing. And that troll, like all bullies, eventually slithered back into the slime they crawled out of. They backed down like trolls and bullies do when people stand up to them and call them out on their bullshit.

But the introduction I wrote back in June had a lot of anger and sarcasm in it and that’s not the story I wanted to tell with my poetry book. This book almost feels like it could have been transcribed from a set of notebooks though in reality it was a bunch of Word doc files that I’ve managed to save from various laptops that have gone to the great recycling bucket. I will say copying Word doc files is a heck of a lot easier than transcribing my non-existent chicken-scratch handwriting.

So, how do I know when something isn’t working and needs to be tossed out completely?

Instinct.

Or better put, knowing the tone of what I’ve written isn’t what I want to convey. As I’ve worked on my poetry book, I see it as a record of a journey I’ve been on. For example, when I started writing poetry back in 2019, I felt happy and ready to explore my creativity. I’d ridden out storms of anger but not like I would after 2019 (trust me, I’ve had some vicious surges of anger that I’ve fought like hell to contain and not unleash on the world). And although there are poems that could be considered ‘angry’, that’s okay because that’s the tone of those poems and exactly what they are. The point here is this: write what you feel and not what you think ‘someone’ wants you to write. That ‘someone’ isn’t doing the writing and they sure as hell don’t have a say in the editing process either.

So how do you develop this ‘instinct’ as I call it?

In the immortal words of the late great violinist Isaac Stern, “Practice, practice, practice.”

In my words, write, edit, revise, and keep writing. This will take time, and in reality, a lot of time. Remember, I’ve been writing for about forty years and have grown up writing, matured with writing, and am now aging with writing. Writing is a huge part of my life and one that I have devoted thousands of hours to. And the most important skill I’ve learned with it is to listen to that ‘instinct’ as I call it and be willing to rewrite, or in some cases, toss something out completely and start over on a fresh page. There is NO single way, or one ‘right’ way to write. Don’t let anyone bullshit you and tell you otherwise.

I have found my voice with writing by putting in all this work. I found my true voice when I unleashed everything I was feeling onto the page, then let it sit for a while, then came back to it and made my decisions as to what to do with it. I’ve always felt like I’m not so much harder on myself than anyone could be, but that I know I’m willing to do the work, no matter how much and how hard it is, in order to get what I want with my writing.

So I would say my poetry book ‘Full Circle’ will read like a set of notebooks, starting with someone just learning how to write poetry again. It will be an evolution of style, and of voice. It will go from random thoughts, a tentative exploration of feelings, a development in words and rhythms, and then a deep dive into ‘difficult’ topics like politics and my deepest, darkest feelings (the ‘Poems of Broken Silence’ section).

In the end, I feel the most important thing in writing is voice. And for me, writing is what has always been the way for me to find my voice. Back then, now, always.

Dirty Thoughts and Stories – Hot Takes and More

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First, a brand-new story in what I am now calling ‘Steamy, Spicy, Sexy’ stories. It’s called ‘Fool in the Rain’ and it’s about a couple on the verge of separation but instead reunite in a passionate encounter in the rain.

You can read it here (link opens in new window)

The ‘Steamy, Spicy, Sexy’ banner is a way of getting around algorithms because it seems the internet overlords are afraid of the term ‘erotica’ as that will get content throttled eventually. Yes, my stories are sexy though there are some people who would say they’re more than a bit vanilla, too. But to each their own and whatever floats your boat and rocks your world.

I’m halfway through my first ‘Hot Takes’ collection. I’m going to do ten stories per volume so readers have a good amount of material to read. I’ve got listings for three more volumes after this with three stories already lined up for the next volume. With this first volume, I’m at five stories with five more to go.

I’m having fun with these short stories as yes, they’re stories to have ‘fun’ with, with or without battery-operated assistance. But they’re not just ‘wham, bam, thank you, ma’am’ kinds of stories. I do have what I call a setup for them, or a reason the couple in the story want to get together and have wildly passionate and completely mutually-satisfying sex. I’ve always liked erotic short stories where there was a good setup and also stories that didn’t just read like ‘insert tab A into slot B’ kind of things, either. Yes, there’s sexy and explicit content, and some colorful language, but again, it’s mutually satisfying and all about pleasure. Because for me, I have to like the characters in order for them to want to have sex with each other.

It’s also been a challenge to write these stories in first-person but I’ve chosen to do that because these stories are just one whole scene. Now my other short story collection I’m working on, ‘One on One’ will be in third-person because these stories will be longer and in more than one point-of-view (POV). I need to get cracking on these as I’ve only got like one and a half scenes written on the first one in a two-part series, ‘Yacht Rock Babes’. These stories will have a little more to them in terms of plot get-together and some conflict that my couple will have to work through in order to be together.

The next steamy, spicy, sexy story I’m getting ready to start is called ‘Dare Me’ and it’s sort of inspired by hearing about ‘shenanigans’ at conventions, conferences, and corporate events in my Uber. Not that I’ve heard anything really spicy but it’s been more than hinted at few times. This one is my take on it and I’m hoping to have some fun with it. Hopefully I’ll have it out by the weekend if I can find time to work on it and my allergies don’t act up too badly.

In the meantime, I hope you like the new story, ‘Fool in the Rain’, and if you want to read the others that will be in the first ‘Hot Takes’ collection you can go here. If everything works out right, my goal is to have the first collection published by early September, or sooner if I can manage it (I just need to write five more stories between now and then!).

Conversations From the Road – The Thrill of a Good Book

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I was feeling like crap for a while today- gray and chilly-icky outside which made my joints hurt, allergies still kicking my ass as they always do, and I started my period today. But once my head cleared, I sat in front of my laptop as it did a file cleanup (yeah, it slows down and then does this file clean-up thing that can take a while). So I pulled out my charged-up Kindle and finished the book I’d started and here I am.

I love it when I finish a really good book. And I just finished one I started before the end of the year but was finally able to get a clear head and some time to finish today. The book is “The Most Wonderful Crime of the Year” by Ally Carter. It’s the first book I’ve read from this author but trust me, I’ll be reading more by her. It’s a very clever, very well-written mystery and romance with more twists and turns than a massive maze on a massive English country estate (if you read the book, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Link to buy here.

Over the last few years, my reading has slacked off considerably. A lot of it is due to problems I have with concentrating due to what I will mental and emotional bullshit, physical issues like massive sinus problems and exhaustion due to my perimenopausal journey from Hell, and a brain that works way too hard sometimes. Needless to say, I’ve told myself I want to read more this year and I’ve started off on the right page here with this book.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how my parents kept me in books when I was a kid. I was an insatiable reader when I was young, reading everything I could get my hands on and if I didn’t have new stuff to read, I re-read what I had till the books literally fell apart and I had to tape them back together. Thank goodness for libraries and parents who bought me books both new and used. Later on when I began to earn my own money, most of it went for books. Books were always something I had and I’ve had tons of them over the years.

But in the last eight years or so, my reading really began to slack off. I haven’t binged-read as I’ll call it here for years and I miss that. Binge-reading was where I’d read a book by someone and love it then search out their entire catalog and read that, too. It was where I always had a book to read in my purse and by my bedside and always would be pulling books off my shelves to read over and over. Heck, I read so many books so many times I can practically quote them from memory. I also do this binging with movies, tv shows, and music so that’s why I can quote stuff from memory.

Sometimes with books, movies and music, I would get story ideas and have to run with those for awhile and that’s gotten so bad from time to time that I’ve cut back on my movie and tv watching. I think I did that because maybe it was easier for me to generate ideas than it was just to get caught up in something. I mean, I always got ideas from stuff like movies and tv and songs, but to use it as an excuse not to watch or really listen to anything was an over-reaction. But my anxiety and accompanying crap can take something good and twist it into something I feel like I have to avoid.

I know this probably sounds weird to a lot of people but us neurodivergent folk like me are weird to begin with so how we consume things can be very different than most people. Us neurodivergent folks can become totally obsessed with things to where we have to seek out every last detail we can find, and in my case, I can recall it fast. I have a lot of what I think would be called ‘eras’ now, times when I got into this or that then got away from them. My dad was the same way and I have a lot of friends like me so for the longest time, I didn’t think it was all that weird to go all-in on something then set aside for the next-best thing.

But the thrill of a good book has never gone away for me and in the last few years there have been some really good books that have given me this thrill. And it’s not just the thrill from a really good story but it’s also the inspiration for me to continue working on my own stuff. Because I’ve always felt my writing was a way to pay it forward in gratitude for all the authors I’ve loved in appreciation for all their hard work and dedication in sharing their stories. I hope someday someone says they get a thrill from my work and want to dive deeply into it (once I have a body of work, that is). And hopefully…. It won’t be an obsession for someone a la Stephen King’s ‘Misery’ (great story but a bit scary to think about, so I won’t).

So this year, in addition to continuing to get my shit together once and for all, I plan to put the pedal to the metal and read more, and watch more, too. Maybe at some point I’ll start a review-weekly wrap-up kind of feature and I will say my tastes can go in a lot of very different directions. But when I read a good book, I want everyone to know that because I love recommending good books and supporting authors.

Dirty Thoughts and Stories – Not Shy In My Fiction

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First, I just uploaded a new erotic short story for your reading pleasure HERE. I hope you like it because it was a fun story to write though like all my others, it did take me a little while to get it going until I found the turn I needed to make.

It’s the fifth erotic short story I’ve posted here and I’m thrilled with that. Because I will tell you all right here and now, I still have a lot of shyness to push through sometimes in order to write.

All my life I’ve been told I’m shy, and yes, too shy sometimes. Why? Because I’m either too quiet, or not quiet enough. I feel clumsy most of the time trying to talk and interact with people and I think a lot of is because of this nutso-brain of mine being neurodivergent, and running at two hundred miles an hour on a good day. I think it’s also being comfortable not saying anything and just watching and listening to what’s going in front of me. And sometimes, it’s also me daydreaming because I’m bored with what’s going on in front of me or I don’t like I have any role to play in what’s going on in front of me.

And I want to come right out and say this: people who don’t function like me still don’t handle people like me very well. Oh, there’s been some improvement but the majority of the work is still done by me. Now, why do neurodivergent people have a hard time fitting in or just interacting with neurotypical people? Mainly it’s just the difference in how us neurodivergent folk process things and the fact that sooner or later, our tolerance for bullshit wears off completely.

In my fiction, though, I’ve always tried to just be myself, to not hold back unless I have a valid reason to. I’ve always felt a freedom in fiction because I could say, of course, it’s not real. Fiction is just my imagination though the emotions are sometimes mine, and sometimes my characters have bits and pieces of my life in their lives and background. For the longest time, I would deny that my own experiences and emotions went into my characters but I won’t deny that now. Why would I deny that? Well, I used to be afraid of people coming at me for some stupid bullshit reason about how I shouldn’t put myself into my fiction and so on and so forth. Yes, there have been people like that in my life and now I just don’t give a shit about something so stupid.

If you don’t think that a writer doesn’t put themselves into their work, and especially in their fictional work, well, you’re a special kind of stupid. And no, I’m not being mean in saying that because saying that a writer shouldn’t put their own thoughts and feelings into their work is like, what the hell are they supposed to write about then? Fiction is a way for a lot of writers to work through things they may not be able to work through in other ways. So saying something should be entirely fictional with nothing from the writer themselves is complete and total bullshit. If you’re ‘uncomfortable’ with the thought of a writer’s thoughts and feelings in their work… deal with it. But then people who have a problem with this don’t understand creativity to begin with so having this conversation with them is pretty pointless.

So for any writers reading this, you write about what you want to. With my erotic short fiction, I’m having fun. Yes, I like writing about sex, but I like writing about it in a fun, and yes, positive way. It’s not ‘insert tab A into slot B’ but I feel there is a story that yes, ends in mutual sexual pleasure. And as for my longer stories in my ‘One on One’ series, I’m still writing about characters but I’m not closing the door on their sexual encounters because those encounters are a part of the story. This is a concept that some people really don’t understand, but if you do want to write about sex in a good, healthy, positive, and yes, fun way, DO IT.

Writing has to be an individual process, and yes, writers have to write for themselves first and foremost. You can’t write in fear of what someone might think or potentially mouth off at you about. In fiction, you don’t have to be shy in the hopes that people won’t be stupid and shitty to you. In fiction, you can let your imagination run wild, and yes, you can also put your own feelings and experiences in there in your characters. Because I will say this, there is a part of me in every character I write, female, and yes, male. If you’re not in touch with  your emotions, I don’t think your writing will have a real deep impact. For me, I feel this embrace of my thoughts and feelings, of not being afraid of what someone might think about putting bits of myself into my writing has made my writing so much better.

Because for the longest time, I used to think something was missing from my writing though I couldn’t figure out exactly what that was. Then over the last eight years I realized it was myself, my own thoughts and feelings and the freedom to express them in my own way. If someone asks me if this or that is from me, I’ll be completely honest with them. And yes, my erotic fiction stories are fantasies of mine because there is NOTHING wrong with having an imagination. Because most of the time, in the words of my generation, reality bites.

Finally, I’m not as shy as I used to be in real-life. I still feel like a klutz sometimes but I don’t beat the crap out of myself over it. Instead, I just keep on going, and most of all, hit the keyboard and write on.

Conversations From the Road – Write to Survive

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Eight years ago when Trump won the first time, many of my fellow writers were shocked, hurt, and grieving. And we grieved hard with a lot of us not being able to write for some time. At that time, I was writing in notebooks and doing a little blogging and the notebook writing, or journaling as I will now call it, was what kept me going. At that time, it was the vey beginning of what would become my ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ project. I was doing it because I had the idea of using writing to figure out why I think and feel the way I do in order to learn how to make better decisions in my life.

Now I write to survive, like I always have.

Please understand I’m not talking about physical survival, but mental and emotional survival. I write because I have a mind overflowing with thoughts and feelings along with a healthy dose of imagination. I began writing when I was about ten years old because I realized I could get all that out and someday put it into books for other people to read. I wanted to be like the writers and creators who had been there for me. And dear readers, I still say that is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

In the 1990’s, my shit-decade as I call it, I found a book called ‘The Artists Way’ by Julia Cameron. It’s still one of the best books I’ve ever read about what I would now call ‘creative recovery’ as it applied a lot of the principles of recovery from substance abuse to recovering your creativity. One key thing in the book is ‘Morning Pages’, which is where you get up every morning and write three pages in longhand on paper. I did that for probably close to a year but then as things started to get worse, I stopped and got rid of all the notebooks I’d written in.

Why? Because I was afraid of someone discovering them and using them to hurt me, to blackmail me in some way, or worse, taking them to my parents and twisting what I’d written in horrible ways. And trust me, the possibility of this existed as there was mounting opposition to what I was doing at that time- living at home, caring for my mother, and trying to have some kind of life for myself. I wasn’t going out and partying or anything like that and maybe if I’d done that… no, the shit would have hit the fan with that, too. I think the real fear was if I had kept writing I would not have silenced myself so much, and I would have stood up to that bullying-bullshit behavior. Hopefully I would have called the bluff on that but the possibility that wouldn’t have worked kept me silent.

I’m bringing this god-awful shit up because to my fellow writers, we need to write more than ever. And yes, we may find ourselves leaning towards the dark side a little more, or a lot more, and I will tell you to go for it.

To those who don’t identify as writers, but who may be feeling overwhelmed with thought and emotion, and maybe don’t have the resources for formal therapy, you can pick up a notebook and a pen and start writing. Don’t tell anyone you’re doing this and hide it away if you have to. In time, you will feel better because you’re getting things out and not encasing them in silence. And if someone does try to use that against you, stand up to them like the terrible bully they are, call their fucking bluff and knock them on your ass if you have to.

And at this point if you’re reading this and feeling all butt-hurt and shit, wanting to deny that you see writing as a threat to your meager, narrow-minded existence, in the words of my generation (Generation X):

If you’ve got something to say to me, come and say it to my face. Trust me, at the age of fifty, I’ve pretty much heard it all.

Writing is an act of defiance, and of rebellion. It’s where the words come from to stand up to hate, cruelty, oppression, and to bullies. Writing is where the words come from to inspire, to encourage, and to comfort. Your words matter, even if no one ever sees them because they are your words and when you write them down where you can see them, they are free from silence.

So to my fellow writers, especially my fellow romance writers, we may lean towards the dark side for a while, or be able to continue writing what we love with light and humor. Block out all the raging bullshit in any way you can, and I find music is a great way to do that, and put those hands on the keyboard.

Because we need writers more than ever, and we have to survive, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too.

Yours in the Resistance, Michele