Tag Archives: #LightofDay

The Second Chance at the Second Half of Life

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It’s been two months since I’ve had a period. Now I could always spontaneously ovulate at any time and start the countdown all over again but as of now, I’m in the countdown to the grand finale of peri-menopause to total menopause. I am not missing my periods at all, and I’m not missing the insane PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) I was having either. Now my body is slowly beginning to heal and adjust to the new reality of the second half of my life.

It was forty years ago this year that I was diagnosed with scoliosis, which is curvature of the spine. Mine was diagnosed in the fall of 1986 when I was twelve years old, though people had noticed my spine was starting to twist and curve when I was about eight years old. But since I was fat and clumsy, I guess no one thought anything of it. To correct the curvature, it would take complete spinal fusion surgery, which is extremely expensive, just like it was back in 1986, which is why I didn’t get it (also, because I was fat and the doctors wanted me to lose weight first, too). So between forty-plus years of scoliosis, massive years of stress, then the huge hormonal shift of menopause, my body has taken a battering. But with the hormonal situation beginning to level off, I feel like I’m getting a second chance with the second half of my life.

In addition to peri-menopause/menopause, scoliosis, working through what is probably a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or what I call ‘silence’, I’ve also had to learn and understand that I am neurodivergent with an unofficial diagnosis of autism and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. I would say in the last ten years my life imploded into a huge pile of broken pieces that I’ve been sorting through and slowly putting back together. But what I’ve gotten out of this is something that no one can take away: clarity, peace, and healing. Most of all, if someone ever tells me to my face that if I don’t shut the fuck up and go along with their bullshit or I’ll end up all alone and no one will ever love me or want to be around me at all, I can look that person directly in the eye and say, “Fuck you.”, and then walk away with my head held high. Because that motherfucker, and no one else including myself, knows what the future will bring. But I’m not going to stay silent and still. Instead, I’m going out into he world and finding what’s out there.

Healing is possible. It’s a long, hard road but well worth traveling in order to reach the light of day. Because it was ten years ago that I walked away from my last regular day job in call-center hell. As I drove away, I blasted the song ‘Light of Day’ by Joan Jett and that song is just as true for me now as it was on that day. It’s been hard because it’s been such a struggle, and I know I’ve probably burned a few bridges along the way and for that I am truly sorry. That’s regret, guilt, shame, and remorse I will carry for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I managed to keep myself off the streets and on the road instead, and for that I’m grateful that I didn’t give up or quit, and that I had a lot of help along the way, too.

Over the years, I’ve talked about ‘trauma brain’, or the part of your brain that was seriously warped and fucked up by repeated exposure to assholes as I’ll put it. This is the part of your brain that lies its’ ass off to you and tells you that you’re worthless and will never accomplish anything, and why do anything worthwhile in the first place. Learning how to stand up to that part of your brain is liberating and hard but in the end, well worth it. The human brain is amazingly resilient and also able to adapt and change if you regulate the input and output yourself.

The reason I’m writing this is to say that it does get better. Slowly but surely, in tiny increments and small moments in time, things do get better. So for those you barreling into forty or fifty, hang on and hang in there. For those of you coming into forty, hang on because it’s going to get really bumpy. For those of you coming into fifty, it will start to smooth out. Yes, you’ll take longer to heal up, longer to recover your energy, but hey, life isn’t a race to the finish. Take your time and enjoy things and as my father always used to say, don’t sweat the small stuff.

Conversations From the Road – Persist

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For the last two years or so, I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to hit the road and make money. I started doing these early-early runs as I call them because that’s where the money was (albeit not big money at first but enough to cover my ass and keep me going). Now, very slowly and in tiny increments, I’m beginning to get a hand-hold to climb out of the hole I’ve been in for so long. And I’m beginning to see a tiny sliver of light above me. Yet I’m also thinking the timing really sucks, doesn’t it?

As my late father would say, good times don’t last forever, but neither do bad times. He would also say sometimes life hands you a bucket of shit that you have to carry around despite how heavy it is and how awful the stench is. But eventually, you won’t have to do that. I will say this instead:

The timing is never right.

Maybe you think there is a right time and place to do something but in my experience, that hasn’t been the case for me more often than not. Usually, I’m just dealing with things as they come to me, and just pushing through no matter what. My problem was dealing with people who thought perfection existed, but they sure as hell made sure I knew that I wasn’t perfect and that I was never going to be good enough for them or anyone else. But now I know what to say to that: fuck them and the ugly nag they rode in on.

Like so many people, I’ve been in a hole for a long time. In the last nine years, I’ve had to persist through a shitty presidential administration, a pandemic and a very slow recovery, my own mental and emotional shit I had to sort and work through, a body with a lot of issues (severe allergies, arthritic joints, and the female middle-age hormonal roller coaster).

Now the physical stuff wasn’t the worst of it, believe it or not. It was the mental and emotional shit that had me thinking I’m pissing someone off somewhere and that I would have to deal with their shit at some point in time. So far, no one has come at me directly and if they did, I’d unleash a torrent of profanity on them because I have no tolerance for stupidity and emotionally immature people anymore. I’m not the better person and you know what, I’m okay with that.

Nine years ago next month, I drove away from my last call-center gig with nothing to go to after that. I didn’t have another job lined up nor did I know what I wanted to do other than not work in another call-center gig. On that day when I drove in to the office, a huge thunderstorm blew up and the sky got really dark and while I was inside turning my equipment in and signing a bunch of paperwork, a huge storm down-poured outside. But when I was all done and I walked outside, the rain had stopped though the clouds were still dark and heavy. I got into my car and I put a cd in the stereo and blasted the song, ‘Light of Day’ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (song written by Bruce Springsteen). There’s a line in the song I keep coming back to after all these years:

“Things can’t get worse so they got to get better.”

And I know that might be sarcastic irony but in reality, things can always get worse, but they can also get better. I’ve been through worse, a hell of a lot worse than what I was going through nine years ago, and since. I persisted not out of stubborn pride stuck my ass like some people said, and not really out of fear like I always thought I did. I persisted because I never gave up on myself, and because I believed what my father always told me, “No matter how shitty your day was, and no matter how awful your night was, over there is east, and the sun is coming to up and you’re going to be given another day to work with. Try to make the most of it.”

Things will get worse before they get better, but the bullies and emotionally-immature assholes of this world don’t know that. They live without conscience, empathy, and compassion, and instead, they live in fear and with no persistence. This is why they will get knocked on their asses and you have to knock them down to where they won’t get back up so easily. You have to persist no matter how hard it gets because I have persisted and for the first time since I drove away blasting that old song, I’m seeing a sliver of light above me.

I’ve got one writing project waiting to go into the self-publication pipeline with two more to follow (just need to finish up a couple of things with both of them), and I’m working on a marketing and promotion campaign with a budget near to zero. I’ve got a lot of material I want to put out again and most of all, I’ve got more to come.

I will persist. And if you want to succeed in life, persist.

Breaking Radio Silence – Seven Years From the Light of Day

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It was seven years ago this week that I left my last call-center job. Actually, it was when I brought my computer equipment back to the office and out-processed because I had been working remotely for the previous year. And when I drove to the office, a huge thunderstorm blew up and it got so dark the streetlights turned on. But as I drove in and then when I drove out, I was blasting one song, “Light of Day” by Joan Jett (written by Bruce Springsteen).

I didn’t tell anyone at the time I was leaving this job because I didn’t want anyone to try and talk me out of it. It was a toxic environment that was affecting my physical and mental well-being. And there is NO reason whatsoever for someone to suffer through that. Now I didn’t have anything lined up when I left that place because I needed to heal up first (I had two disks in my lower back that were either compressing or bulging and causing me enough pain that would have made anyone else scream). Then when I did begin to heal up and got into gig work, I moved on to the mental and emotional part of myself to work on.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to walk away from a toxic environment or relationship because too many people will tell someone to just hang in there and that it will get better. That advice is just as toxic as the environment or relationship someone is trying to get away from. That puts the responsibility to clean up the toxic environment or relationship on the person who isn’t causing it in the first place, and it places shame and guilt on someone that they don’t need to deal with.

If someone comes to you wanting to get out of a toxic environment or relationship, do what you can to help them. First, you support and validate their experiences. Two, you don’t tell them they haven’t done enough because most people are powerless in shitty environments like this. They’re powerless because they’re in places with people who refuse to stop being shit-heads and deal with their own toxic bullshit. Worst of all, some people just won’t pull their heads out of their asses because they like it up there. So why should people put up with this shit if they can find a way out?

Another thing I’ve heard is that someone might be walking into something worse. Yes, I was told this several times in my life and that’s bullshit. No one knows the future or what will happen if someone does something. If someone walks out of a bad situation and does their best to learn and do better, encourage them and support them. If you can’t do that, fuck off because if someone is trying to do better in their life and you can’t support that, you’re a part of the problem and not the solution.

I’m sure some readers might be thinking: what if someone keeps making the same mistakes? Your job in life is not to pull someone’s head out of their ass for them but if you’re trying to get them to think and trying to keep them from going back into the toxic shit, that’s the best you can do.  You can’t live someone’s life for them but in reality, I don’t think this happens nearly as often as some people have gone on and on about. I think it happens because people don’t feel like they can do better or if they try that they won’t be accepted as wanting to do better. Again, be supportive and back it up.

The reason I was blasting the song ‘Light of Day’ back then was because of these two parts of the song. The first was this line,

Things can’t get worse, so they gotta get better

That is so damn true because if you walk away from something bad, things have already gotten better.

Then there is this part of the chorus:

Well, I’m a little hot-wired, but I’m feeling okay
And I got a little lost down along the way
Well, I’m just around the corner ’til the light of day, yeah

Yes, we’re all tired but when you’re away from toxic shit and toxic people, you’ll feel okay. And  yes, you might get lost along the way. But if you’re lost, you can find your way to where you need to go. Too many of us are afraid to get lost or drift or take a different path because we listen to well-intentioned people who don’t realize that if we take a different road away from our shitty pasts, we’ll turn the corner to the light of day.

Song ‘Light of Day’

Writer/s: BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

Publisher: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.

Breaking Radio Silence – Lost and Found

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“Well, I’m a little hot wired, but I’m feeling OK
And I got a little lost down along the way

Well, I’m just around the corner ’til the light of day, yeah”

‘Light of Day’

(written by Bruce Springsteen and performed by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts)

Six years this month I quit my last call-center job. At the time, I was in a world of shit pain-wise as I had two disks in my lower back that were either bulging or compressing (I didn’t have the time or money to get them looked at because I had such shitty insurance with this job, which was ironic considering this was a health insurance company). And I honestly don’t think they would have made any accommodations to help me (like springing for an ergonomic work set up because I worked at home) because they were very good at saying ‘no’ more than ‘yes’.

On my last day, which was just driving my computer equipment back to the office and out-processing, I blasted the song ‘Light of Day’ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts on the way in and on the way out. And it was a very cloudy and rainy day so that song was more wishful thinking on my part. But the lyrics were so true though I had no idea just how much until now.

In the first month after I left that job, I just focused on healing and getting my pain down to a level that didn’t make me want to scream. Then I got a gig delivering food and I discovered I liked gig work. Looking back, I know I could have researched gig work better and handled things better but in EXPLANATION AND NOT DEFENSE (I put that in all caps to make my point here), I had no confidence in myself to change my life as radically as I wanted to.

Why? Because I felt like if I did something I liked someone would come along and shit all over it and try to bury me in their shit. Back then, I was that fucked up and it’s taken me six years to repair the damage of that line of thinking. I have kept so much of my life to myself because I don’t want to hear someone pontificating about something they haven’t done. I like to think if someone comes at me like that now I’ll either be nice and walk away or tell them to fuck off with their ignorant toxic-waste bullshit.

One thing I’ve gained in the last six years is something no one can take from me: inner peace. I define ‘inner peace’ as accepting I’m as flawed as every single person on this planet, that I have the right to pursue things I love to do, and that I have to the right to my thoughts and feelings no matter what they are. Once I began to accept these things as truth, things got better for me. I’m still busted down to almost nothing but I can see where I can move forward.

‘Things can’t worse so they gotta get better’ (from ‘Light of Day’)

This line is so true. My anxiety-fueled mind likes to tell me all the bad things that can happen so I have to counter that with plans to deal with those things if they happen. I think you can only plan for so much because as my father used to say, you can’t live your life as if you always listening for the elephant to come charging up behind you to stomp you into a puddle of shit. I think a lot of people spend too much time thinking like that because of high-stress situations and people riding other people for no damn good reason other than be walking, talking assholes.

All my life I’d been told I was weak and unable to do anything really hard. That was a complete lie because when the shit came down, every single person whoever told me that cut and ran and left me to deal with all the shit. And I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself because I honestly thought no one gave a shit about them. But I give a shit about them, and I give a shit about other people who have felt all alone in this world like I have. My life and my writing are not an act of revenge. They’re about healing.

This line of thinking from that ‘Light of Day’ day six years ago has led to the point I’m at now. I’m writing the ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ book, section by section, chapter by chapter. And none of it has been deleted in a fit of rage and sadness like previous attempts. I have finally hit the point in my life where I can write about it.

And this is what I was driving to six years ago though I didn’t’ know I just had to get a little lost along the way.