Tag Archives: #VanLife

Van Life Dream – Still Going Strong

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I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I wrote a blog entry specifically about what I call my ‘van life dream’. No, I don’t have the van and not one dime saved towards it. That’s because being broke is expensive but I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about that.

I keep reading articles on van life and sadly, most of them are about how it didn’t quite work out for people. Okay, I’m good with that but as I keep reading these articles that are all beginning to sound the same, I’ve realized my expectations about life on the road are minimal and flexible compared with most people. Also, I’m doing it as a dirt-broke middle-aged dumb ass without a college degree. I’m not fleeing corporate life because I walked away from that shit almost ten years ago. I like to think I’ve been on sort of a practice run with the way I’ve lived in the last ten years so living in a van will be like a luxury to me.

The core dream of van life for me has remained steady- something simple and easy to take care of with minimal overhead. And yes, if I spend a lot of time in parking lots and Wal-Marts and Cracker Barrels, I’m not going to give a shit what anyone thinks. Because the last article I read was about this modern-day yuppie couple (what do they call thirty-something Millennials these days?) who set out in a van to work remotely and camp out all the time. The dude said they spent time in parking lots and were worried that they were going to look ‘unhoused’ (the newest term for ‘homeless’). Also, that campgrounds weren’t always like the pictures and things broke down and la la la….

First, I will freely admit here I’m a cranky middle-aged Gen X bitch and yes, I do think Millennials are a bit on the whiny entitled side. Camping to me means roughing it unless you’re into the glamping thing. Also, if you’re worried about what ‘someone’ (who in all likelihood only exists in your imagination) thinks about you parking your van in a parking lot… well, grow up. I’ve committed myself to pushing the thought of what that wonderful dumb-ass anonymous ‘someone’ will think out of my mind once and for all. Basically, I expect life on the road to be anything but glamourous, to be hard at times, and for shit to happen without any notice.

Second, I’m not working remote for a corporate job. I work for me, myself, and I and I live pretty cheap. I just need enough to live on and anything extra will just be put into my shit-happens-rainy-day-savings-fund. Also, I plan to build out my van as simply as possible so I can fix stuff with tools and spare parts if at all possible.

Three, I’m not running from anything or anyone. This isn’t about going on the road to get away from something, but just to see where the road takes me. If at some point in the future, I decide to stop and stay in one place, that’s my choice. No one knows what life will bring, or how things will turn out, and I’m pretty good at rolling with the punches so to speak.

I’m not going to treat van life as a test run, like I’m just feeling it out. Nor will I treat it like it’s going to be for the rest of my life either. If it does turn out that way, fine. If not, fine, too. I’m going to treat it like another chapter in my life, another era if you will. Life is a series of chapters and eras and there is no need to be stuck in one all your life for whatever fucked up reason.

I’m working my ass off now to get away from thinking about what ‘someone’ might say, or that ‘someone’ will come and tell me I can’t do this. No one told me I couldn’t be a caregiver and that I should step aside. But they sure as hell told me I couldn’t be ‘normal’ when that would have been one hell of a lot easier. And then when I didn’t give up and quit the shit hit the fan. But I survived that. I also survived my father being an asshole to me when I applied for what would turn out to be my most-successful call center gig. I didn’t back down and I got the gig and did good in it. And I left that gig on my own terms, and without burning a bridge.

Can I earn a living on the road? Yes. How? Any way I have to. I’m simple, though, and I don’t need a lot of money to live on. Also, I’ve been my own boss for the last ten years and frankly, I’m the best boss I’ve ever had. My father told me most people have to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Then he looked right at me and said, “Not you, though.” I’ve done pretty good even though there’s wreckage behind me. But no one is perfect and if anyone says they are, they’re full of shit.

So, the van life dream is still on. And there’s no deadline, nor is there any set plan, and most of all, I sure as hell will be grateful to be rumbling over the road in my turtle shell-era.

Dreams of the Road (poem)

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A new poem that I hope you will like, about what I dream about a lot these days: life on the road.

Poem – Dreams of the Road – pdfDownload

Conversations From the Road – On the Road Again

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This morning I was on the road a little after three a.m. (yes, I do up that early most days, and have now for the last couple of years or so) and by daybreak, I had been from one end of the city, and county. Best of all though, and best of every morning I’m on the road, is I got to see the sunrise. I love the way the sky changes color from jet-black, to dark blue, then the colors of light, red, orange, yellow, and sky-blue. Then if there’s not heavy cloud cover, I get to see the sun itself slowly rise up over the horizon and into the sky. And when I see that, I say a little prayer of thanks to God for giving me another day.

I’m not a church-goer or adherent to any one religious faith or creed as I believe the Universe is seen, heard, and felt by each person in their own way. But when I ‘pray’, I’m sending my thoughts and feelings out into the Universe. I say ‘thanks’ for my own life, and I say prayers for those who are hurting, sad, lonely, or in need. A few years ago, I had a young man in the car one night and he said he was a Divinity student and asked if he could pray for me. I told him I was okay and thankful for what I had, and that I pray for others in need.

I don’t do ‘resolutions’ because I don’t feel like I need to focus on ‘improving’ myself because I’ve done the work as the saying goes now, and I will always continue to do the work of treating and healing my wounds and doing my best to learn how to face things head-on. I’m not perfect, and I sure as hell won’t let anyone hold me to that perfection-shit either. This is why I think people should focus on learning about how and why they think and feel the way they do and to learn from that. That’s a lifelong process and not something that someone just needs to ‘get over’. Being on the road every day shows me this because I do a lot of my best thinking in the darkness before the dawn when everything is quiet and still and I’m all alone with my thoughts.

Instead, I have goals. My primary goal is to get my van up and running to where I can live and work on the road. Another goal is to work to generate income to live on from my creative work like my blog and website here and other things. Yet another goal is to try and improve my health one step at a time because I don’t do the ‘exercise-eat healthy-weight loss’ thing for some aesthetic bullshit and no one else should either.

Another big thing I want to work on this year is managing my neurodivergent-ADHD tendencies better. I don’t want sticky notes and phone numbers to be places where good intentions go to die, like they seem to do so now. I want stuff like this to be ways for me focus and concentrate and do things and not let ADHD-bullshit as I will now call it, make me immobile. Because most of all, I know it’s my ADHD-bullshit that says ‘someone’ will be pissed off at me if I do something and if that ever happens I’ll just freeze up and go silent like I did in the past. I won’t go silent ever again and in the last eight years, no one has ever come at me for this and if somehow that ever does happen, I’m more than ready.

I also want to find ways to reach out and help people, small ways because I need to take things in small steps. I want to learn how to give back because I think we need to do this now more than ever. And yet again, I have to learn how to overcome the thought that ‘someone’ will come at me for this (yes, my brain is that fucked up to where this thought comes up way too often).

I think if I didn’t have the road, I would have gone clear around the bend years ago. I think I would have ended up under a bridge somewhere lost and out of my mind if I hadn’t been able to get on the road every day and drive. I know when my Uber days I’ll end, I’ll miss it. But I know that I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life and the road of that chapter will be wide-open and ready for me.

I know the road can be hard sometimes, very hard indeed with monster traffic, gobs of idiots and assholes, and sometimes it’s like life itself. My father used to say sometimes life hands you a big bucket of steaming shit that you have to carry around for a while despite the stench that times will make you want to puke. But you have to carry it until you can find a place to put it down.

On the road, in the middle of the night, or on an early morning like today, it’s not bad at all.

So as I said this morning, from the old song ‘Signs’:

Thank you Lord, for thinking about me

I’m alive and doing fine

Songwriters: Les Emmerson

Signs lyrics © Sony/atv Acuff Rose Music, Unichappell Music Inc., Galeneye Music

Conversations From the Road – Riding Like the Wind on that Yacht-Rock Vibe

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I put on my Yacht Rock channel and what song did I get first? San Antonio native Christopher Cross’ ‘Ride Like the Wind’ featuring backing vocals by the Yacht Rock King himself, Michael McDonald. I’m kind of hoping for a miracle to get to see Mr. Cross when he plays here in San Antonio soon because by all accounts, he’s a really nice guy and a great performer.

I thought about doing a rant this morning about how no one in the media seem to go after the trolls and assholes and ask them why they are the way they are, but that’s pointless because one, you’re not going to get a straight answer and two, no answer is going to make up for the shit they’ve spewed. Now the media and other pundits are ‘shocked’ that those of us who have been subjected to that abuse want to get away from it and stay away from it. I’m beginning to embrace that because frankly, I’ve had enough of that shit.

Now, I will keep up on the shit-show that in our world right now but I’m not going to wallow in it like I have for far too long. Instead, I’ll rant a little here and there but once I let that loose, I’m turning on the music and thinking about things that aren’t so damn ugly and useless. Yes, I said the word ‘useless’ in reference to people spewing bullshit and hate and lies simply because they can. Personally, I’d like to knock people on their ass for being assholes but as my father used to say, it would be like beating the shit out of a drunk or an idiot. Because as my father used to say after that, it’s pointless to do that because five minutes after you finish beating the crap out of some idiot-asshole that, they won’t remember why you did that to them in the first place.

So dear readers, pace yourself. Because for the next four years, give or take, things are probably going to get a hell of a lot worse before they’ll get better. So party like it’s 1999 or the end of the world and feel fine like REM sang so well. I’m just trying to focus on feeling good because I think my brain has finally figured out that no one in my life is going to shit on me for that. And if someone ever does crawl out of the muck and say something stupid, I’m just going to look at them and go, “Wow, you really do have shit for brains, don’t you?” And before I can listen to their spluttering reply, I’m walking away.

Because dear readers, we all have places to go, people to see, and things to do and that doesn’t have to include dealing with idiots. For some stupid-ass reason I honestly don’t give a shit about anymore, there are people who feel like those of us who are just trying to mind our own business and do our own thing, have to stop and listen to some dumb-ass spew shit at us because that dumb-ass thinks and says, they’re ‘special’. No, they’re not ‘special’ just because they’ve made demands on people when they had no right to, tried to dictate people’s thoughts and feelings, or just ran their mouths without thinking about it.

Soft rock rose up in the 1970’s after the tumult of the sixties and early seventies after Nixon was run out of office, people just wanted to relax and take it easy. My generation is now discovering this because we were the first generation that really took it in the shorts as my late father would say with student debt, a shitty job market, gaining and losing what little we were able to get, and most of all, deal with the young Republican shit-heads we went to high school with in workplaces and other parts of our lives. Now we’re just leaving them behind and although it’s kind of funny to watch them get in a lather about being ignored and no one paying attention to them, it’s a funny thing I can do without quite well. Because I sure as hell don’t need some uptight asshole telling me I’m not ‘cool’ or ‘with it’ or any bullshit like that because I won’t be a raging hate-outrage idiot.

So let’s chill out, kick back and relax. Focus on the things that make you happy- a job that you actually like if you’re lucky to have one like that (I do!), kids and grandkids (especially the little ones because they’re the best!), pets because at least someone’s always happy to see you when you get home, good music and good vibes, and most of all, holding on to what’s good in this world and doing your part to make it so. Work towards your goals and dreams like I am, whether it’s a van, a house on the coast, or just the ability to get away from it for a little while.

Another thing is being happy is not an act of defiance. To me, it’s a human right because as my father also used to say (yes, he was full of wisdom like no one I’ve ever known in my life), you have the right to be happy, and you don’t have to walk around feeling sad and sorry for yourself. Because deep down, happiness matters and it’s not something that can be taken from you. So don’t give it up for anyone either because trust me, the average asshole doesn’t know what to do with misery so don’t give them happiness that they don’t know what to do with, either.

Ride like the wind, all night long, breezin’ away to the good in this life.

Conversations From the Road – Holding the Line With a Yacht-Rock Vibe

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I thought about doing a lovely ranting post about bullying, especially the bullying of transgender people by members of the United States Congress, most notably South Carolina Republican Representative Nancy Mace (she’s bullying the first transgender woman elected to Congress, Sarah McBride). Personally, I think Nancy Mace is mostly coo-coo for cocoa puffs as the old saying goes (she’s posted like two hundred times on the hellsite Twitter/X about this and her entire staff up and quit on a regular basis). But I’m leaving that one for a later date because right now, I feel like it’s pissing in the wind and I think I’ve made my feelings for that kind of bullying bullshit very clear (if you’re not clear, just go through my blog and read everything since November 5 of this year).

So I’ve put on the Yacht Rock channel on my music service (I’m on Amazon Music) and am just writing this out. Because I know when I think about my yacht-rock vibe as I call it, I feel better. And maybe that’s my privilege right now in this world- an ability to get away from ugly bullshit unlike other people. But I’ve wallowed in that shit for a long time myself, about eight years to be more precise. And if there is one thing I’ve learned, once the damage is done, there’s no going back and changing it. And sometimes you need to take care of yourself, too.

I also feel like chilling out to a yacht-rock vibe is an act of defiance, too. I know that might sound crazy or stupid, but I think it’s real. The bullies of the world as I’ll call them here, don’t like their targets to be happy. I speak from experience on this one and I’m sure there are people reading this who understand what I’m talking about here. How many of you have had someone shit all over you simply for liking something, or smiling when your bully is in a shit-mood and taking it out on everyone else?

Right now, if you don’t want to rant-and-rave every single day about some bullshit in the news, don’t do it. Burn it out in your mind, or behind the wheel like I do when I’m alone on my early morning runs. Then take the road to some place better than the roadside roach motel where the bullies live.

I think that’s another thing that makes me love the whole yacht-rock vibe as I call it- the call of the road. I’ve always felt better behind the wheel and over the last seven and a half years of being an Uber driver, I’ve been grateful for being able to do that more times than I can remember. So many times over these past seven and a half years, if I was feeling like shit, I could say to hell with that and hit the road, and make money in the process. And sometimes even sitting in afternoon traffic made me feel better because I couldn’t go anywhere else and do otherwise.

But I want to circle back to an earlier point here: why should feeling good and or getting away from bullshit feel like an act of defiance? I think it’s because we’ve heard the message for way too damn long that we have to sit and listen to someone’s bullshit because they have a ‘right’ to speak to us. No one has the ‘right’ to speak to you like shit so if they start up with that, you can walk away. And thankfully, people are starting to realize that. It’s not running away to ‘safe spaces’ and being little wimps as right-wing bullies online like to say. It’s about going to a place where people aren’t mean to you, to where people care about you and don’t treat you like shit. What the hell is so fucking hard about that for bullies to understand? You know what, that’s not a question that deserves an answer from anyone other than said bullies. And those answers won’t make a difference anyway, so hit the road and leave them behind.

Even though we all know things won’t always be alright, or okay even, we know sometimes they can work themselves out. I know things can feel better if I don’t give in to the need to rant-and-rave every time something pisses me off. I think you can pick your battles as my father used to say, and that it’s okay to turn away and let people wallow in their assholery-bullshit. Because when I first started thinking about hitting the road I worried people would accuse me of running away from my problems. Now I just don’t give a shit what anyone might ‘think’ about me hitting the road or why or any part of my decisions. That’s a true sign of healing when you let go of petty bullshit like that and leave it behind.

Speaking of the yacht-rock vibe, when I hit the Ventura Highway in California, I’m putting on the song by America when that happens. In fact, I think I’m going to work on a road mix of yacht-rock for the road. Because it’s nice to have that dream to look forward to, and to have a faint glimmer of hope that the incoming administration might continue to fuck up (Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz just withdrew himself from consideration for the job, and since he resigned his seat in the House, he’s also unemployed at the moment) and buy us some more time to get things right, and hit the road with nothing to look back on, or look for the mushroom cloud.

And as REO Speedwagon are singing now to me, “I believe it’s time for me to fly.”

My Van Life Dream… So Far

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Yes, it’s flashback week again here on my blog as I’m busy with other things but want to keep putting up content. So, if you’re new to my blog, here are some posts about my lovely van life dream as I call it along with the main page for it:

My Van Life Dream
My Van Life Dream – Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude
My Van Life Dream – Manifesting the Turtle-Top
Van Life Dream – Breaking the Silence of my Call to Wander

My Van Life Dream – Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude

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Oh, yesterday’s over my shoulder, so I can’t look back for too long
There’s just too much to see waiting in front of me and I know that I just can’t go wrong

‘Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude’ by Jimmy Buffett

Early this morning, around three am-ish, I picked up these two young ladies and one of them was crying over a guy she’d been dating because she found out he’d been cheating on her with multiple skanky hoes. I told her to just throw him out like day-old trash. But I also wanted to tell her this:

There is a whole wide world out there just waiting for you to explore. Don’t tie yourself down to someone who doesn’t give a shit about you at all. Live your best life and take care of yourself.

When I first started talking about hitting the road about ten years ago, I got told I didn’t know what I was getting into and the unspoken part was that I should just shut the fuck up and keep to my quiet little existence. In reality, people were talking out of their asses as my late father would say because that was just ignorant bullshit on their part. It was like when I was told in the 1990’s, during my shit-decade as I call it, that no one wanted to know what I was thinking or feeling. Because back in the 1990’s, I’d be out doing errands and come to the interstate and for about a minute or two, I’d think of just hitting that highway and never coming back. I thought if I left at least people wouldn’t have to deal with my mopey, pity-party unspoken bullshit. What kept me from doing that was I had promises to keep, and I’m proud that I kept those promises.

Now I realize people who mouth off and tell you that you don’t know what you’re doing at all, or that no one gives a shit about your thoughts and feelings, just have their heads up their asses so far they can’t think straight. And as I like to say, your job in life is not to pull someone’s head out of their ass for them. So if you’re reading this and you feel the call of the road as I say here, or as the late Jimmy Buffett sang about, if you feel the need for a change in latitude and a change in attitude, go for it. Because like the line in the lyrics I quoted above, you can’t go wrong wanting to go into the world.

I think more and more people every day are caring less and less about what other people think, or might think about their decisions, or the directions they want to take in their lives, and most of all, they’re not caring about people who don’t give a shit about them past a certain point. People are walking away from emotionally-immature people, people who refuse to shape up and not be shit-heads. More people are walking away from people who lie, cheat, and hate. This is where the divisions are in our society and it’s not the fault of the people walking away, but from the people unwilling to learn how to be better people.

After my mother died, my dad talked about buying a little RV and hitting the road and maybe even moving to Costa Rica as the cost of living there is really cheap for American ex-patriots and also my dad was fluent in Spanish. I wish he’d done that because I probably would have joined him. Looking back, after my mom’s third or fourth cancer reoccurrence I wish she and my dad had said to hell with that shit and hit the road and I would have joined them, too. But I know why they didn’t do it and that was probably because they didn’t want to deal with everyone’s bullshit. But I’m not giving up on this dream of mine and that’s why I’m committed to talking about every week here on my blog. I want to encourage people to make that decision if it’s what they want to hell with anyone that doesn’t like it.

Because like Jimmy Buffett sang in the song I quoted here, yesterdays are behind you and you don’t need to spend all your time looking back. Also, he’s right about a big wide world out there waiting for you and you can’t go wrong wanting to see as much of it as you can. So a change in latitude and a change in attitude is a good thing because for me, I’ve already changed my attitude so now I just need to change my latitude.

If you’re not leaving people hanging, or not breaking any promises that need to be kept, then follow the call of the road. It’s taken me a long time to realize that because I kept my promises and paid a price for that I shouldn’t have. The road can be healing and I think that’s the next stage I’m trying to reach. The late Neil Peart of the band Rush hit the road for two and a half years after his wife and daughter died within a year of each other. He said it was where he found healing and though I don’t have that enormous grief that he had, I know the hum of the road as he called it has healing properties.

Hopefully next week I’ll talk about something else but for now, remember there is nothing wrong with a change in latitude and a change in attitude.

My Van Life Dream – Manifesting the Turtle-Top

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2001 Chevy Turtle-Top Van – van pick from National Van Sales website – by the way, not my van

The above picture is of what is called a ‘turtle top’ van. It’s called ‘turtle top’ because the shape is rounded. I like that shape and it’s an older design so finding a van in that style might be more affordable for me. Personally, I think it looks more like an old camper-style van from the 70’s/80’s so it’s a bit of a retro look, too.

Over the last few years I’ve been reading about this idea of ‘manifesting’ your goals and dreams. At first, I wrote this off as a serious case of ‘woo woo’ but now I can see where it comes from. It’s not just giving voice to your goals and dreams and letting the world know what you want to do, but I also feel it’s putting it out there in front of yourself to make you think about it and start to work towards making those dreams a reality.

Now, another reason I had trouble with this idea for so long was that I had a fear that if I started doing anything to make my dreams a reality, shit would happen and knock me on my ass.

Newsflash here: Shit will happen no matter what. All you can do is roll with it and deal with it as best as you can.

Second, in the past I had more than a few people crap all over me for reasons known only to them. It’s taken me a long time to realize most people who crap all over people’s goals and dreams don’t do it because of their ‘best intentions.’. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions as my father always used to say. Most of the time, it was done out of ignorance and insecurity, and also a fear of anything that deviated from their narrow little worlds.

When I saw that turtle-top van yesterday, it was like a huge klieg light went off inside my mind. It was like I heard a perfect tune in my mind and I realized this is the design I’ve been looking for. Then when I saw it was older, cheaper, and that I wouldn’t need a CDL (commercial drivers license) to drive it, I realized I’d found my van type. I’ve been looking at various models for years but this one finally clicked for me.

So when this click happened for me yesterday, I realized I’m working on manifesting this into reality because now I know exactly what to look for now. And I’m talking about this because if you’re reading this and you’re struggling with finding something, keep at it. Because unless someone is pointing a gun right at your head with their finger on the trigger, you’re not under any deadline.

Another thing with manifesting is I think you have to be ready for it in some specific way, though I don’t think you’ll know that specific way until you reach that point in time. For years, as I’ve been out and about I’ve looked closely at various van designs and studied them but what I saw yesterday finally clicked for me. I realized I wanted something more casual, and yes, even a bit retro looking. I’m a Generation X kid who secretly wanted a van to travel around in and now I’m a Generation X middle-aged kid who is now actively looking for her home.

For the longest time, I’ve always felt I had to be ‘serious’ all the time, especially as I got older.

Why can’t someone my age have fun?

I’m not going to let anyone answer that question for me and you shouldn’t let anyone answer for you, either. Because as I will always say, your job in life is not to pull someone’s head out of their ass fort them. That’s not your job, and it’s not anyone else’s job either. I know about fifty percent of the population lost their shit in 2020 and they didn’t have a lot to lose to begin with. But don’t let someone from that population group tell you what to do, or let them get inside your head.

I’ve been thinking for a while I’d paint my future-van green, but with a turtle-top that would work very well. So yes, someday I’ll be driving around in a turtle-green van seeing everything I can and I hope little kids like it. We don’t need to give up our whimsical childhood imagination and fun just because some uptight moron tells us to.

Finally, the late Jimmy Buffet had a really great song called ‘Off to See Lizard’ and the last lines from the chorus definitely apply here:

Deja deja deja vu
Believe it and it will come true
Veja veja veja du
What works for me might work for you

Songwriters: Jimmy Buffett / Jay R Oliver

Off to See the Lizard lyrics © Jay Oliver Music

Van Life Dream – Breaking the Silence of my Call to Wander

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Yesterday as I was out driving, my mind began to wander, as if often does (and trust me, I can drive with a slightly-wandering mind because I’m a woman and I can multi-task quite well). But on this open road of my city on a very quiet Saturday morning, I realized my call to wander has been with me all my life.

When I was a kid, we took trips by car through the south all the way to Georgia and Tennessee and Kentucky to Arkansas, and up to Colorado and New Mexico. I loved those trips because of the places we got to see. Yes, I was pretty young but I remember Colorado quite vividly- the first time I ever saw snow on Pike’s Peak and going across the Royal Gorge bridge. I remember Sun Studios in Memphis, and eating grits for the first time in a little place in Georgia. I remember seeing the adobe architecture of Santa Fe, New Mexico. And I remember the piney woods of east Texas and the beach at Galveston, Texas.

Yesterday a memory surfaced that I hadn’t thought about in, well, forever. The memory was not just the unspoken plan I had to set out for Los Angeles, California to go to film school or just try to make it as a screenwriter. It was also a dream to just hit the road and travel, work odd jobs and write about my adventures and stuff. I NEVER spoke about either plan out loud to anyone because if I had said anything about this back then the answer would have been, “NO.” It would have been that I didn’t have what it took to make it on my own like that, that it was too ‘dangerous’ for me to be on my own, and that I could do other things. Most of this would have come from my father who was extremely over-protective of me at times and sadly, I gave in to his shit way too many times just to appease him and not set him off. Looking back, I wish I had stood up to him and hit the road. He would have gotten used to it eventually. But like I’ve said before on this blog many times before, I don’t regret putting those dreams aside to take care of my mother.

But looking back now, after my mom’s cancer came back the second time I should have told her to pack up and hit the road with me, to say to hell with chemo and radiation and all that nasty shit and just see and do as much as we could. She would have been a hell of a lot happier and not had years of pain and misery. And no, I’m not wanting to wander to run away from that but instead, to make my memories without having a ticking time bomb inside of me slowly winding down. And if I did have a ticking time bomb inside me I’d still want to hit the road.

If anyone reading this is feeling ‘uncomfortable’ now and thinks I should just want to be a homebody and not do anything, fuck off. And don’t tell anyone else to just stay put and be ‘happy’ with their lot in life if they’re not happy with it. Luckily, I think this stay home and just wallow in misery shit, or just be happy with whatever suburban bullshit you’ve bought into is really waning.

Right now, I’m reading a biography of the American writer and journalist Martha Gellhorn, who in 1926 left home to go to college then dropped out in her junior year and began to travel around. By 1930, she was wandering around the south of France picking up odd jobs, selling an article here and there, and getting money from her parents (her parents were loaded, by the way). And all I could think is how much crap and pressure there was for women back then to just marry and pop out babies and how women could be denied any job or anything really back then. But she defied all that and spent most her life wandering the world and writing (hence the reason I’m reading about her and also because she was a fascinating woman).

In a way, I feel like I’m one of those ‘bohemian’ women of decades ago who didn’t marry and have children. Women who worked their asses off to travel and write and do things so damn many men and their ladies auxiliary bitch squads said women shouldn’t do. And the really shitty thing about today is you’ve got right-wing male assholes and their ladies auxiliary bitch squads saying the same damn shit all over again, that women should just shut up and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Why? Because an independent, childless woman can’t be happy on her own, right?

Look, if for some fucked up reason the road doesn’t work out for me I’ll adapt and keep going. But I honestly can’t think of any real good reason why being on the road won’t work for me. I don’t have anyone to answer to and no one has to answer to me or follow me or anything like that. People are free to do whatever they want and free to ignore me or not. But I won’t let anyone tell me I can’t do something, especially if they haven’t done it themselves like most ignorant self-righteous assholes who run their mouths.

There is so much I want to see and do and I’m going to make it happen sooner or later. There’s no race to run on this or deadline to meet or any bullshit like that. I just have to take things one step at a time and yes, my steps involve my writing and other things I’m working towards also.

But I’m still listening to that call to wander, and I’m working on answering it.

Conversations From the Road – Give Me a Break Here and a Whole Box of Kit Kat Bars

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A couple of days ago, I was on an early-morning run with this couple and the guy asks if the construction we were navigating through was truly necessary (this is a major construction project on the north side of San Antonio at I-10 and Loop 1604 that’s about twenty years overdue because of the massive growth in the area and the infrastructure that didn’t keep up at all). I was stunned into silence for about a minute because all I could think was,

“Really? You honestly think construction projects are done simply to tear shit up then build new stuff over it simply because someone decided to?”

Instead, I said, “Uh, yes. The traffic out here is a nightmare most days and in about two hours or so there will be a massive traffic jam.”

Then this guy told me he was retired and didn’t go out during peak traffic times.

Okay, then he started talking about all the road rage incidents he’d seen on the news (in reality there was only one this past week) and I had to stop him with that one before he got rolling because I’m on the road every single day (give or take) and trust me, if it was as bad as all the news stories my car should be shot up so badly it would look like Bonnie and Clyde’s after the Texas Rangers shot it up with their tommy guns.

When I got home after that morning run, with no holes in my car, and having safely navigated traffic, all I could think was:

Give me a break here and a whole box of Kit Kat bars.

The reason I say that now is because I used to let stupid shit like this slide and I let it slide so damn much for so many years I used to think I was the idiot and didn’t know anything and I was just fumbling through my day and making it due to the grace of God and some goofy guardian angels. I used to twist and minimize all kinds of shit in order to appease people and keep people from blasting me or making me feel like shit even though they were idiots to begin with. Now I’m through with this crap and so much so that when I call it out people back down real fast and clam up.

Please understand, I don’t take any joy in calling out stupidity and ignorance. I’d rather have conversations with meaning, or just laugh and joke about things. But the problem with stupid people is that they’re so damn stupid they think they’re the smartest people in the room. And the really shitty thing is that we elevate these idiots to positions of leadership and control that they have NO qualifications for, then we clean up their damn messes later. I’m sick of this shit and I think it shows big-time and you know what? I’m glad it’s coming through with my dry, slightly-sarcastic (though mostly missed by these morons) way of talking.

And then I had to put up with more ignorant crap when I mentioned how I’m not interested in buying real-estate but instead buying my van and living on the road. He said van life is glamorized and hard because of the lack of routine, though he hadn’t done that at all. I told him seven years as an Uber driver has made me quite adept at not having a set routine and also, I told him I don’t need to live on a lot either. He then told me he and his wife had lived in a few different places after he retired a few years ago but couldn’t settle anywhere because they couldn’t get into a routine. All I could think was they needed to get some hobbies or get jobs because if you can’t kick back and relax and just chill then why retire? I mean, I don’t plan on just traveling and chilling as I will also be writing and doing other things to support myself. But then as my daddy told me many years ago, I’m  not one of those people who need to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.

The reason I’m asking for a break here and a whole box of Kit Kat bars is that we need to start calling people out on their damn bullshit once and for all. And no, this doesn’t make me a stuck-up conceited bitch so don’t even think about projecting your ignorance and self-righteous stupidity onto me or anyone else. Fuck that shit. And we need to make sure self-righteous idiots are NOT promoted or given any real responsibility since they’ll fuck things up sooner or later. Most of all, QUIT VOTING FOR IDIOTS, and don’t vote for people who are cruel, sadistic, and try to twist and gaslight you into believing they’re anything other than that (see South Dakota governor Kristi Noem and her awful bit from her book about shooting and killing her puppy- fucking bitch).

I’ve been scared to rattle off on this here but you know what? Bring it on. I probably won’t get any real reaction to this but I sure as hell feel better writing on it. I’ve been struggling to fill my blog space here and I’m going to fill it however I want to even if I just need a break here and a whole box of Kit Kat bars.