Category Archives: Friendship

Lent (#1)

Posted on by Michelle

Normally, I like to give something up for Lent.  The hardest thing I ever gave up was sugar.  I have the biggest sweet tooth!  So it was incredibly hard to go 40 days without anything sweet, and watching those around me eat sweets.  I think the hardest part was imagining what the first thing I would east would be, or just thinking of sweets that I loved, cause then I had a craving I couldn’t fill.  I wanted to give that up again this year, but I am trying so hard to gain weight, that pulling any sort of food wouldn’t be a good idea.

I have lost 15 pounds the last few weeks, I think it is because of a hormonal imbalance, with my cortisol levels, but I”m not sure.  All signs point towards that being the root of the problem.  And gaining weight is so hard.  I’ve been on both sides, but trying to gain healthy weight is harder I think than trying to lose weight.

Anyways, so I was thinking, what I could do for Lent.  And I have been terrible about writing here in my blog that I started a few years ago, so I thought I would try for 40 blogs in 40 days.  I haven’t been doing them because I don’t like talking about myself when I don’t feel good, its been a little depressing, etc, and I think I just need to get over that.  Give up my time which is something I haven’t wanted to do in the past because writing these things, “takes too long” sometimes, and I avoid it.  But do I have anything better to do?  No, lol.  But this is what I’m giving up, time, and dealing with mild depression for Lent.  Jesus did so much for us, and this is the least I can do.  Really.  I also think this is just something I picked up in HS that I felt like I needed to do for my faith.  I’m not Catholic, lol, I’m Episcopalian.  I don’t think we give stuff up for lent.  At least that is not how I was raised.  Not how my church did things.

I also do need to keep my friends better informed – which is why I did this to begin with.

My Crazy Dream

Posted on by Michelle

So I forewarn you this might not be that crazy, but I laughed so hard it woke me up!  A while back now I had a reunion lunch with my old formative friends.  We’d go to horse shows together (NOT as glamorous as that sounds!) vacations together (OK thats about right) and just about every weekend we’d have a sleep over at on of our houses – Fri and Sat.

So I dreamt that we had another reunion in a vacation spot and we’d all do crazy jumps into the water – even me. And then we had some drinks in the evening.  Nothing crazy three.  We got back him to my friends home how has a big sister we’re all very close with and start water wrestling?  Ix that even a real thing> we kept on calling it a draw and came out before we hurt one another.  And one of out friends asked if the apples were organic.  She said “Yes, except for the crazy amount of hormones i n those”  I don’t know why I think that last part is hilarious!

Could just be the middle of the night. lol

32 – Like, Crazy

Posted on by Michelle

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“I’m happy.  Which often looks like crazy”  David Henry Hwang

So I had a birthday earlier this week, and normally I LOVE my birthday and go crazy for it.  This year though, I think I was kinda depressed because I haven’t been feeling well, so I didn’t make any plans.  Which I think is a first in well over 10 years.  I normally plan things out at least a month in advance, but this year I didn’t even really plan a family dinner.  Which is one of my favorite thing about my birthday – another reason to see my (extended) family.  I had a nice quiet dinner with my parents and a lovely surprise from a good friend early in the day.  My birthday turned out to be much better than I thought it would.  I got to text and talk on the phone to all my friends who live all over the country and that made me so happy.

Turning 32 wasn’t as depressing as I thought it would be.  Though writing it down does make me feel kinda old because I have been sick since just before I turned 30, just not out of work sick.  That happened three months after I turned 30.  And I mean this time around sick.  I’ve been sick since I turned 18.  I woke up sick on my 18th birthday.  That was no present!  I feel like these years have been stolen from me because my life has been on pause the last two years.  I’m ready for a very grandiose Dirty Thirty celebration and then I can kick start my real life.

And then the day after my birthday was actually better than my real birthday because I treated myself and my mom to a massage which hurt so good!!  She really got to certain pressure points and a few of them were linked to all the migraines I had been getting.  It was a relief to get that worked on, because since I’ve been off the Depakote its been migraine city.  Today was especially bad.  Two Imitrexes down the hole, advil and tylenol and I still feel like I have a vice grip around my head.  I think I am going to make the appointment to get botox to manage my migraines after all.

Back to the day after my birthday – I got news after my massage that my ammonia level has gone back down to normal.  That was one of the best gifts I could have received.  Good health news 🙂  And I was finally able to have a drink!  First beer in ages and it tasted so good.  I really wanted champagne on my birthday but I really just want a nice unoaked chardonnay right now.  I am not sure how that will effect my migraine so its just a far off craving for now.

Later that day, I heard from the one hold out on my birthday.  Have I said “my birthday” enough yet?  haha  I miss him so much and wish he was back here in LA still.  But alas he lived in PA and has a “grown up job” now.  I guess these things happen.  We all can’t stay in La La Land.  We texted for five hours just being totally silly and ridiculous.  And if you knew him, ridiculous is the exact word I’d use to describe him.  I have feelings for him – its no secret amongst my circle of friends, and I thought I’d have trouble sleeping last night because of that.  But tonight I can’t get him off my mind, all the stupid jokes we were making that kept us cracking up.  Five hours worth. So now  I can’t sleep – my head is killing me and the nausea is very unpleasant.  I’m going to NY soonish I think, depending on when my friend closes escrow on her condo, and hopefully we’ll be able to catch up then.

So after everything, I feel good about my birthday.  I’m back to being happy.  I’m doing physical therapy, and that should be the gateway to living a more active lifestyle.  Getting tone and getting back on my horses! Oh, and being able to go back to work, lol.  PT is going to be harder than I thought because after all the procedures I did for my back earlier this year, the rhizotomy didn’t take and I can feel all that horrible pain in my back.  But I have a therapist who is more than happy to work with me and take it slow so I can’t ask for anything else.  She has pretty magic hands too.  I thought only Paul my favorite hot Hawaiian PT had those!  I think 32 is off to a good start 🙂

 

Jail Break

Posted on by Michelle

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I have made two “jail breaks” the past few weeks, and boy does it feel good!! Its so nice being out of the house in real people world.  Feeling the sun, seeing people, meeting people I don’t even know – socializing!  Those things were so a year and a half ago in my opinion, lol.  I have a very good friend to thank for this, for getting me out.  Thank you C.M.G.

I don’t have a lot to say on the subject, except that I’m getting out of the house, which means I’m so much closer to getting well!  I’m off my pain killers, it took forever and a day to wean off those, but its done!!!  We’re in August, so that means I was on pain killers for about 8.5 months.  No driving for that time either.  I’m almost ready to drive (last time was Dec 31st, a night to remember) except I need to get my ammonia levels down.  They are elevated because I can’t process my migraine medication correctly.  And every time I try to wean off those, I get a wicked migraine.  Vicious cycle.  The high levels of ammonia cloud my mind so I can’t always think coherently and I don’t want to risk my life or anybody else’s by hitting the road the road too soon.  So I guess that’s my next hurdle, my next goal.

And I do have to say that I have re-read some of these blogs and my typing and autocorrect is terrible.  Just a warning, that even though I have a college education, there is no battling the meds I take at night.  They made me drowsy, but I still can’t sleep a lot of the time.

New York, New York

Posted on by Michelle

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“New York, New York” used to be my favorite song.  When that baby played, my shift waitressing in a tiny outfit in a small bar wearing a minimum of 3″ heels (not wedges) was over and I could set my tray down for the first time in 8 hours, sit down have my pau drink, and sort tips.  I saw so many Hawaii Sunsets, its kind of sad.  But I made a shit ton of money and the bestest friends in the world, so I’d call it even 🙂

I recently made a stupid post on FB as a part of a breast cancer support chain thing, that I was going to NY for 17 months.  Big fat lie.  I am planning on going after October when my friend closes escrow on her condo.  I don’t know how long I’ll stay for, but its just going to be very mellow.  I’m excited to go and see my friend, but wish I was well enough to go see more of the city.  Time will tell I guess.

Its really nice and reassuring to have friends that will do stuff like that for you (buddy pass – Delta employee).  We didn’t always get along, actually I kinda used to be terrified of her, she was mean!! And I don’t know when it happened, but we became friends.  I also have a friend who wants to fly me to FL so I can get some sun and to help me feel better.  I know him from Hawaii, and he’s lived in SoCal, so I’m not sure what FL son will do for me, haha, again, its nice that the gesture was made.  Now his family has premier tickets that have been passed down from generation to generation for the Kentucky Derby.  I wouldn’t mind taking advantage of that!

I have other friends that in the past week + that have not been too nice to me.  It is the worst feeling in the world to find out that who you thought you could trust, you can’t.  This happens almost every time I get sick.  In HS I only came out with one friend in my senior class.  I got sick, attended 2 weeks, and homeschooled the rest.  I reached out to people, but they didm’t care too much.  And the one friend I came out with, lied to my BF and tried to steal him away from me!  In retrospect, she could have had him, lol.  In college, I had my dorm friends and my sorority friends.  I am fairly good friends with one of my dorm friends, and my super close sorority friends, ditched me when I took a break from school.  Anyways, I was lucky in HI, and they became some of my closest friends, even though they are spread all over the globe sometimes.  When I came back, again I was lucky and had close friends.  But I guess these were times I wasn’t so sick.  Recently some friends have weighed in their opinion on what is wrong with me – all sorts of different things, that sometimes I think is totally nuts.  I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but since we are so close, its hard not to take personally.

But other, older friends, have really been there for me for support.  Telling me to “slap out of it” as Cougar Town would say so I’m not having a total pity party.

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Anyways, in my own thoughts I have thought about moving to some place with cleaner air.  The pollution here, all the fires, isn’t good for me.  I’m thinking about Oregon/Portland, and going back to Hawaii because my health was the best there.  But I lose a lot of my wonderful doctors if I leave.  Hawaii does not have the best healthcare system and I heard OK things about Portland because they have a medical school up there.  If anybody knows of anywhere else I should consider looking, I’d be happy to take suggestions.  I’m not sure I could handle someplace like Minnesota where the Mayo clinic is but I’m willing to hear.  And then if I move, I’ll have to make all new friends and contacts, try to find work.  In Hawaii that is not so much of a problem because I have friends there still, but the cost of living is high.  And its not like you get a lot for your money.  l paid almost the same for a studio apartment there as I did for a townhouse in Brentwood.  Ponderables.

The Eternal Optimist

Posted on by Michelle

 

264508_4779062963651_314354333_n“I am so far from being a pessimist…on the contrary, in spite of my scars, I am tickled to death at life.” – Eugene O’Neill

My TS wonders how I always have a positive outlook.  Its because I only look at what is right in front of me – no more, no less.

County Lock Up

Posted on by Michelle

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I was texting with my TS – which is a bigger deal than many of you realize.  This girl was horrible at returning any form of communication unless it had the words “gossip” in it, and that was before she had her adorable and amazing daughter.  I had a dream that we fought and we just had it out, and I woke up and it felt so real.  I texted her telling her I needed her to apologize (crazy’s girl’s guide to survival!) and we were talking about whats been going on in each others lives.  I love to hear about her daughter and whats going on with her work, its like living vicariously through someone.  Especially I think because I know I won’t have children anytime soon.  I have to be healthy, and find a partner, blah blah blah.  Everyone else has the “find someone” part, but I have to be healthy enough, and I’m not sure when that may be.  So she asked me what I had been up to lately.  I’ve been through 7-8?? minor surgical procedures over the last two months?  I had three this past week.  And once a week for the weeks preceding this.  So I’m not good at math!  When I was talking to her I still had the propofol leaving my system.  It really knocks me down for a good day.  And she was blown out of the water!  She said it was equivalent to hearing that I had been in County Lock up for the past month and my cellie (yea I think I’m cool enough to pull that one off) reminded me of her.

I don’t think what I’ve been going through is a lot, but hearing this from her, makes me think otherwise.  I need to be more open with my friends.  I’ve become a bit paranoid of my other friends; like I’m missing out on some great adventures.  I had planned a spa day and was going to get a few beauty treatments, kinda give myself a little pampering, but I have a huge 2″ long very deep hole in my back so being in a spa all day, not quite the best thing for me!

I haven’t been reaching out to my friends, at least the ones that I feel count.  I’ve been a hermit, afraid of rejection.  My meds are off from my crazy migraines.  I was hospitalized after a month long migraine and I’ve had another one go on for about 3 weeks now.  The drug they have me on is totally messing me up.  I’m crying at the drop of a pin, and I’m talking about for hours over something I’ve seen on TV a million times.  Some friends I haven’t spoken to have really tried to help me with the power of prayer, and its helped a lot.  Anything is possible with His help.  You just have to believe.

I’m frustrated I can’t drive because of the meds I’m on, but let’s face it, I can’t afford to anyways at these gas prices!  I just sold my soul to Sleep Number for a new bed, lol.  And I go mainly to doctors and since I’m such a space cadet I can’t remember anything I need a parent there with me to remind me of things and remember what went on.  It’d be nice for social things, but again, with a limited income, I can’t afford anything fun.  The spa was a Groupon – an addiction I need to get a major handle on!

So this pity party is about to close.  I need to keep my friends more updated, but its hard when I’m so drugged and don’t feel well because I have a migraine.

The Girl Next Door

Posted on by Michelle

tumblr_lobbnaGPdO1qkkvnzWhenever I’m sad, depressed or need a lift, I watch this movie.  And I don’t think it has to do with the fact that its the best movie I’ve ever seen, its just comfortable, and I associate it with feeling better and being cheered up.

This first happened when I was living in Hawaii and I had just been sexually assaulted by three men who claimed to be gay probably to get closer to woman and have them let their guards down.  I know thats how I felt.  I missed by GBF when I lived in Hawaii!!  I was happy to dance with some cute gay boys…only if.  I was so depressed afterwards, and I didn’t have my mom there to hold my hand.  So one of the bartenders at work (we were like family at the bar) came over after work and we stayed up all morning watching this movie.  We were cuddling in bed and another of my gf’s from work was there, offering support, and we all just cuddled and it was the most secure feeling in the world.  I was able to sleep for the first time in a long time and it was a great gift that he gave me.  He didn’t have to ask how I was doing, he could just tell.  Every time I watch this movie, it reminds me of that time, and how I could be so loved by others around me.  Like the world will not end! haha

I have been dating this guy for a few weeks, we went out on one date, but really we talked everyday texting and whatnot.  Carl*** (not his real name) made a date with me for next friday because you see, he lived in San Diego, and I live just north of LA.  And I was excited to get out of the house and get made up and pretty, but I have been questing my feelings for him since after the first date.  There was not magic.  I want and deserve to have the magic!  But I figured I’d give it time.  Wrong.  He weaseled his way out of our date this morning, saying he had some charity work to do.  I gave him the easy out after that.  Why would I want to torture myself for someone I don’t care about that much.  His excuse is  ironic, because he knows I’m doing charity, and the charity I am doing is to support people like he used to be – in the service.  I love my brother but he’s not the reason I feel so strongly about supporting the troops, its all those people I knew and served when I lived in Hawaii.  I served all five branches of the armed services there.  So I gave him the easy out for the date and potential relationship that would be far far down the road.  I use the “r” word loosely.  We both agreed to take things super slow, because he just got divorced and I’m not the picture of health.

IMG_9064So if you can’t tell from the meme, there is a discrepancy between us.  One person is definitely the reacher and another is the settler.  I’m tired of settling!  LOL

Quoted from latest episode of How I Met Your Mother

Robin (saying to Marshall):  “…every good relationship has a reacher and a settler“

Ted (adding on): “Exactly! One person reaches for someone out of their league, the other one settles for someone below theirs”

“….the settler is never jealous of the reacher….The settler, Lily, is the best the reacher, Marshall, could ever get..”

So I’m not sad that we’re not seeing each other anymore.  I’m just sad that I’m not the one who ended things!  I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I like being in control, and I have gotten really good at getting rid of guys.  I’ve dated a lot and most of the time it ends after 2 months, even if we reach bf/gf status.  This is oddly something I’m proud of!  He wasn’t somebody I would have normally gone out with, but I was happy getting to our date and seemed to be happy after.  Though my interest level wained after that.  I have two other people in my life who are interested in one way or another.  As Cheap Trick would say, “I want you to want me” it feels good.  And I think its normal to feel rejected even if you aren’t into somebody, what do you think?

Feeling Tested

Posted on by Michelle

Last night was another night with very little sleep.  This is making me not the most pleasant person to be around – just ask my family!  To my family, I apologize.  I’m on a short fuse.

I went out for errands today and felt like I didn’t get anything done.  I wanted to feel a little pampered, so I was going to go with my mom and get out eyebrows threaded, but the place had a handwritten sign posted a that said “Back in 30 minutes”  The downfall to this type of sign is they didn’t say what time they left.  So we waited, and waited…but we had someplace else to be, so we left after 25 minutes.  I slipped a note in the door telling them to call me for an appointment for tomorrow, but haven’t heard yet.  You think they would want business right?

At our next stop, we were going to see one of our favorite horses being ridden at 4pm.  The driveway was blocked so we had to walk all the way in, which on the huge I’m guessing 40 acres, is quite a walk!  We get there and a horse jumps out of the ring.  Its not ours.  They had something else going on, and our rider comes up to us and says kindly, there are two horses that need to use the area before we can, and with the sunset coming, we all know that the ride isn’t going to happen.  I was frustrated because this is the first time I was able to come out to this ranch since we have moved our horses and I really wanted to see her go. If I wanted to, I could have stayed and waited to get my eyebrows done!

But I have to admit it was nice seeing the other babies we have sold and have moved there over the years growing up in pastures, changing color, body shape, height.  Sounding like a total mom, they grow up so fast!! haha

So tomorrow I shall try to go back to the brow place, and they are riding way too early for me to go watch.  And its that Bitch Mashka’s birthday tomorrow.  You know, the one who is responsible for all this blogness 😉  I love you bitch.  Happy freaking birthday.  So it’ll be a good one 🙂

 

Hey Jealousy

Posted on by Michelle

Tonight I got a brush with good jealousy, I think.  My mom thinks it is jealousy, and she’s always right about these things, so I’m just going to go with it 🙂 After dating, not dating, being friends with, whatever with About a Boy, I think he got a little jealous tonight that his best friend attempted to get in touch with me without his knowledge.  And that makes it sound bad.  His best friend TC wanted to see if he could help me with any of the things that have been going on with my health.

TC and I are friends on FB, but he never uses it so I thought, and About a Boy doesn’t do social media.  He must have gotten my info from there.  I posted about going gluten free and how I couldn’t sleep the other night because of my upset stomach.  From what I’ve heard over the last 6+ years is that he’s gone through some health issues regarding his stomach, and he mentioned some of the special diets that he’s gone on in his email and that he’d be more than happy to help.  And he is such a nice guy – a Bruin no less, lol.

So I guess TC and About a Boy were hanging out tonight because I got a text from the “ex” and it was very direct, saying I should read TC’s email, that he was hanging out with him tonight.  Very uncharacteristic.  I told him I would respond tomorrow that I was really tired, then he was a bit more relaxed saying he was super smart (already knew that one!  About a Boy wouldn’t be friends with a dummy! lol) and that he might be a good person for me to know regarding this health stuff and that he didn’t have anything to do with this at all.  Um, yea, I didn’t think you did until you mentioned it!!

Am I missing some sort of bro-code here?  You can’t email your best friends “ex”/friend without permission?  I don’t get it.  But once that nonsense was out of the way he flipped back on his regular personality and we got each other pumped for the game tomorrow with the new LA Nights uniform.  Yea, we’re fanatics.

If it is jealousy -its a nice feeling, knowing that you’re wanted. For most of our relationship, he was very casual, not jealous, not controlling, not possessive. Quite a change from most of the guys I’ve ever gone out with. And I liked it at first, but then I started to question, does he even care? Sometimes a little bit of jealousy is nice and healthy. I got my first dose of it 2+ years into dating. And now 6+ years in.  Maybe this is the wrong answer, but it makes me happy to know I’m still cared for that much.