So my birthday is a week away.  I love my birthday.  Normally.  This year, I feel kind of different.  I’m ambivalent.  Maybe its because now I’m in my 30’s and there is nothing to really be excited about.  Maybe its because I’ve wasted almost the entire 30th year of my life.   Or maybe because I don’t even know where I’m going to be spending it!  I’m pretty sure we’ll still be here at the ranch, but moving shortly thereafter.

When I turned 30 last year, I had just settled down into a new apartment with my fiancee, and we were planning everything!  Life seemed so good.  But deep down, I knew it wasn’t.  I knew I wasn’t happy.  He promised me amazing things.  He promised to take me overseas to Italy, France, Ireland, Greece, or the Islands.  We kept on compromising, but as long as we were going out of the country I was happy.  I’ve never been out of the country, except to Mexico, which being a resident of Southern California, is like really Southern California!  We didn’t end up going anywhere.  He was planning a huge party for me at his parents amazing house, with a band and a bar, and the whole nine yards.  That was great!  I was happy.  A little disappointed because I had been so looking forward to going overseas all year, but I understand finances.  He couldn’t get his act together for that.  So a week before my birthday he sent out invitations to a bunch of people, and only a few people ended up coming.  Last minute and all.  And most of them were his friends, who I liked, but it wasn’t the same.  One of my friends came, and another showed up very late, because it was so last minute.  Others were confused on the location, it was a nightmare.  It didn’t feel like a party for me with his friends there.  It was the first time I ever left planning to another person.  I normally have giant extravagant legendary parties, that I love and everyone has fun at.  This was not fun.  It was none of the above.  We didn’t go anywhere, nobody dressed up, I had mid to late 20th birthdays that blew this way out the water, and this was 30!!!

That was how I started my 30th year.  I went on to constantly fight with him, and a month and a half later, break up and move out.  A month after that, I was bedridden.  Only the last month or so, have I been able to walk around.  And last weekend was the first “normal” weekend I have had.  It was wonderful!  AND UCLA has been winning.  Life hasn’t been too bad!  Hopefully 31 will be much better.  But I just don’t want to waste another year of my life.  And I guess there is no such thing as “waste”, we’re all learning lessons all the time, but I would just rather be learning them being active, and healthy, rather than on the sidelines.

And yes, there is some anxiety about being 31 and not having accomplished too much in life.  I know I’m on my own path, and shouldn’t compare myself to others, but my friends are mostly married and some are on their second kid by now.  Or working on their PhDs because they’ve def finished their masters.  I don’t hold the education thing too much against people, but I want a family.  I want to be healthy enough to have a family.  I can get an education anytime, but fertility only lasts so long.

There is also one thing I can’t get off my mind.  That my birthday is the very first day of work at a new job for someone very special in my life.  For once in my life, I’m not sure if my birthday is going to be all about me.  Weird, crazy and complicated.  Complicated for sure.

So I guess I am a little sad writing this.  But I do know one thing.  I will throw a bad ass party, LOL.  Maybe not quite around the time of my birthday, but I can be a diva and do things on my own damn time!!  Going do it, gotta do it right 🙂