“I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?” Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
Tag Archives: sleep
Feeling Witchy
Halloween is right around the corner, and another reminder that I am sick, and I cannot go out and celebrate it like other people my age. No dressing up, costume contests/parties, no pumpkin carving parties and no pumpkin beer tasting parties. I love, love, love Halloween. I love dressing up, being creative and thinking of costumes each year to plan with my girlfriends, and where to go, just all of it. I love it. I obviously hate being sick! I hate the fact that often times that being sick keeps me from another holiday. I not only miss this one, but in the past Thanksgivings, Christmases, New Years Eve’s, birthdays, important ones, you know, like St. Paddy’s day 😉 I am part Irish, lol. I know life is what you make of it, and most of it are the normal days, the non Cinco de Mayo, Fourth of July, Memorial Day celebration days, but there is something special about those days too. Summer BBQ, picnics, just another reason for friends to gather together. To celebrate.
Last year, I was ‘healthy’ and able to go out, and did dress up a little. Except I had about 185lbs of excess baggage that abhorred the holiday, and refused do anything for it. Which meant he didn’t want me to do anything either. I’m supposed to do everything with him, even if it’s staying home on one of my favorite nights of the year. I wasn’t about to let his bad mood get in the way of my good time. He said it was up to me on what I wanted to do (sounds exactly like the traps women set doesn’t it? lol) So I compromised. I went out and I was home by 10pm. And golly, going out two nights in a row without him?! That was like a cardinal sin! But I had two obligations, and he knew that a month in advance, and knew that he was welcome to come. I think that is what lead to the big break up, he realized he was losing his control over me. But now that I think about it, wow, one year almost since I’ve been rid of him! Its feeling very good 🙂
I’m feeling very, moody, let’s say, haha, as of late. I’m having a hard time controlling what comes out of my mouth. Thank goodness its mostly on Facebook, or text because I can edit what I say before I forever regret saying something mean and nasty. But feel like is totally true, just maybe not expressed in the right manner. Once I can think clearly, maybe without I’m guessing hormones, lack of sleep, I’m not sure, clouding my vision, I will know for sure how I feel. I just know that I feel better that I edited myself like 10 times, and finally something civil came out. Taking the high road is so hard, but much more rewarding in the long run.
To Die, To Sleep –
“To die, to sleep –
To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the rub,
For in this sleep of death what dreams may come…”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Being Sick Hurts
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” Paulo Coelho By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
I did not sleep well last night, it was 6:30 before I was able to fall asleep. Yes, that is A.M. I am up right now at 4 am because my hips joints are killing me. I have taken a Rx dose of IB, and have had a heating pad on them for the last couple of hours. It seems to help, but its so damn hot!! LOL Go figure! haha Right now I would give anything for sleep, but I am in too much pain to sleep. Miserable. My hips aren’t the only joints that hurt, but they are the major joints that are bothering me. I can live with the others. These are all symptoms of the relapse I am having.
I wish there was a magic pill to make this all go away. Oh wait!! There is! LOL, a pain pill, which I already took, hahaha. When does life get easier? Rhetorical, because I know it never does!
Dear Brain
I would really like to sleep already? OK? Agreed? Alright. (Though I have a feeling this is more of a “Agree to disagree” type of situation. HA!)
Misery Business
Have you ever noticed with insomnia, the longer the night goes on, the more stressed you are about the lack of sleep you are getting and how that is not conducive to the relaxed state you are trying to achieve? It sucks.
I am having the worst insomnia!! I have been sick with the flu, and I haven’t been able to sleep well the last few nights. I have been sick with chills, hot flashes – no I’m not going through the change! lol, aches and pains, and just your ordinary symptoms. They have been keeping me up at night. I have been super supplementing myself, but with vitamins and herbals that should not cause insomnia, because these are all things I have taken in the past and haven’t given me grief. But alas, I am here at 4 am, frustrated out of my mind thinking that sweet sleep will never come. I hate being sick. But I take solace in knowing that I am “normal” sick, and this flu will pass. I like when “normal” things happen to me.
Maybe I can’t sleep because I have lots of extra stress in my life. I don’t know. We finally found a house to move to. An actual house, not an apartment or condo or townhouse. And its super cute! We are waiting to hear back from another super cute house tomorrow. Hopefully we will have our choice, but after a month+ of searching, we are finally finding what we want, and need. We got rejected by places that would “pass” I think this is His plan to put us in a place we would love. Not just like. When I lose faith, these are the kinds of things that bring me around. So I guess I will be moving in a week or so. I abhor moving. And I’m getting my car fixed this week. Dealing with insurance is no fun. I don’t know what else is bothering me. But I’m just on edge.
Maybe I’m having a hard time sleeping because I’m lowering the dosage on my medication. I bet thats it. It helps me sleep and helps me cope, LOL. Twofer!! What a great word btw.
Maybe its all of this combined, but the bottom line is no sleep and no getting over the flu…
Sleep, Where Art Thou?
“O Sleep, O Gentle Sleep, Natures Soft Nurse, How Have I Frightend Thee, That Thou No More Wilt Weigh my Eye-Lids Down And Steep My Senses In Forgetfulness?” – William Shakespeare
You too?!
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C.S. Lewis
I am a wild sleeper. Always have been. I’ve been known to sleep walk, sleep talk, and now I sleep text if someone texts me in the middle of the night sometimes. Months ago, back in January I sprained my rotator cuff while I was sleeping in bed. Alone. I’m freaking talented! I went to my doctor – the one I was “on leave” from, and she gave me a cortisone injection, because I had been treating myself with a course of NSAIDs as she would have done, and gave me some exercises to do. Which didn’t seem to be a big deal. Of course, neither she nor I took into account the fact that I did this in my sleep, and I was more than likely to do this again, and again! It is July. And I am still recovering! If it isn’t the left shoulder that I initially injured, somehow, I managed to injure the right one as well.
I thought I was the only one who could be this self destructive sleeping. Until today. One of my oldest friends came over for a visit, and it was so good to see her! In more than one way. We got to chat and catch up, I can’t remember that last time we saw each other. But it really came down to the fact that she told me that she injured her rotator cuff in her sleep as well!! I’m not the only one!! (Of course I’m sorry she has another injury…) With all of the other injuries that we have sustained throughout our riding careers, falling off, getting thrown off, and God knows what else. Now we are 30 and no longer putting ourselves “in the line of fire” so to speak with the horses, and now the pillow top beds with down pillows are taking us down. Are we ever going to be injury free? haha I think I can speak for the both of us and say, I’d much rather get a “fun” injury, than one sleeping!!
Wilting
Painting/Photo Credit: Tali Marotz
The past few days, I haven’t been making any forward progress. I feel like a wilting flower. Springtime is over, and I haven’t received the proper nutrients to survive properly. Mainly sleep. Sleep is the one ingredient that helps us cope with the rest of the “crap”for lack of a better word in our lives. The lack of sleep the past few nights is really starting to make an impact on my health. Oh geez, I just remembered I was supposed to call my doctor to change my meds to get something to help me get some rest, because obviously what I’m on isn’t working for me, and is negatively impacting me. You see? This is part of my daily struggle. Maybe the daily B1 shots will act like a canister of water and help me flourish again, and bring me back to the beautiful flower I used to be, living every moment of life, or at least being more independent than I am now. Maybe getting out of the wheelchair and into the walker. I have so many plans that I want to see through. So many friends that I want to see. I want to be able to get out of the house for more than 2-3 hours at a time. Maybe the weekly B12 injections will be that extra boost. Something.
Right now I am feeling so weak. I took a Valium last night instead of a Flexeril for a muscle relaxer because I ran out of the latter, and took a larger dose than normal, but still within normal range, and still something that is prescribed to me. I’m hoping that today I’m weaker because of the Valium and not because of the lack of sleep (and no I did not get much sleep last night either), and the emotional let down from the breast cancer doctor, and the stress from the insurance, and my mom being in the hospital. Stress is as much of a trigger for a set back as anything else physiologically. It is the end of the business day and I still have not heard about my insurance appeal. Can’t take that off my plate yet. Tomorrow is a new day. Let’s see how the flower is doing then.
New Shoes
“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world” Marilyn Monroe
Oh, how I love her!
Maybe I just haven’t found the right pair of shoes yet…Will everything be alright when I do?
I’m reminded of a song by Paolo Nutini, “New Shoes”
“Woke up cold one Tuesday,
I’m looking tired and feeling quite sick,
I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
So I quickly opened the wardrobe,
Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
Topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
That were ripped around the seams,
And I thought these shoes just don’t suit me.[CHORUS:]
Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody’s smiling,
It’s so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I’m running late,
And I don’t need an excuse,
’cause I’m wearing my brand new shoes.Woke up late one Thursday,
And I’m seeing stars as I’m rubbing my eyes,
And I felt like there were two days missing,
As I focused on the time,
And I made my way to the kitchen,
But I had to stop from the shock of what I found,
A room full of all off my friends dancing round and round,
And I thought hello new shoes,
Bye bye them blues.[CHORUS]
Take me wandering through these streets,
Where bright lights and angels meet,
Stone to stone they take me on,
I’m walking to the break of dawn. [x2]”
Shoes, like fancy underwear give you me confidence to get anything done. If this means shopping, I’m more than happy to go 🙂 So shopping for more doctors, more tests, more courage, more strength, more patience – I’m not sure which store sells those last three, but I’ll shop for them too!
Whatever it takes to find answers, to find what ails me, to even find rest right now, I will gladly do it.
And if it starts by shopping for a new pair of smokin’ shoes then bring it on!
And like Paolo says, “Bye bye them blues”
Life on an Island 