Humor – How to Be Funny, Like Jim
Posted: February 8, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Writing | Tags: Comedy, Funny, Guest post, Humor, Madonna, People Magazine, Super Bowl, Wordslinger 32 Comments
Since Madonna performed at the halftime show at the Super Bowl this past weekend, it seems so appropriate to use one of the “Material Girl’s” references: Today, MJ Monaghan, will be “touched for the very first time” – okay, people, I’m talking about the blog, not me! – by a guest blogger.
This is an exciting, and groundbreaking moment for us here at “MJ.” We have none other than James Chaney of The Wordslinger (one of the coolest blog names, EVER). Jim and I met on the ever-so-helpful Facebook blogging page, “We Blog … A Blogging Community” (see badge to the right of my sidebar for info). He has a quirky sense of humor – like yours truly – except he’s actually funny! Do check out his blog, you’ll be regaled by is storytelling – about life in general, his take on parenting, or about sports. Oh yeah, and in his spare time he’s writing a book!
Without further ado, please welcome THE WORDSLINGER, Mr. James Chaney:
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Growing up, I always wanted to be “the funny one” in a group of people. I’m not sure how or why this goal developed; though it likely stemmed from my inability to find a girl who liked me. I entered my middle school years with an undersized physique and an oversized schnozz, so to use a baseball analogy; I was behind in the count early. As cliques began to form faster than the pimples on a pre-teen, I knew I had to insinuate myself into a group quickly before all the funny guy openings were filled.
My experience with being humorous had, to this point, been limited to reciting a joke my father told me as a child.
“Where do generals keep their armies?” I’d begin with a sly grin on my face. “In their sleevies.”
A classic quip if ever there was one, wouldn’t you agree? Anyway, I had no time to learn how to be funny as there were undoubtedly other jokesters waiting in the wings to take my spot in the group. So I did what any young buck would do in my position, I faked it. I tried several different approaches in my attempt to prove my comical genius to the crowd.
My initial plan was to simply laugh at everything. I figured that by laughing at things that no one else seemed to find amusing, I would be perceived as having a superior humor-sensing radar and supreme knowledge of all things ha-ha. In retrospect, I may have overestimated my popularity and powers of persuasion. Instead of leading the group like the Pied Piper of hilarity, I received mostly glares of confusion and questions about my mental capacity.
Next I tried saving my laughs as if they were quarters in a piggy bank, and only giving them out when the comedic stars were perfectly aligned. Unfortunately, this strategy was foiled before it even got off the ground since it came on the heels of my “laugh at everything” plan. Now, instead of being “the funny guy”, I was being referred to as “the bi-polar guy”. Not exactly what I was going for.
Through some extensive trial and error, I eventually found my niche in the comedic department. As I got older my sense of humor developed, which helped me greatly in social situations since my looks didn’t exactly follow suit. At 5’7” and a depression-triggered eating binge shy of 130lbs, not to mention the aforementioned Pinocchio-esque beak, I certainly wasn’t destined to win “Most likely to be featured in People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Issue”. I’m sure my soon-to-be therapist will refer to my quick wit and sometimes snarky comments as “a defense mechanism”, but to him I’ll say, “insert snarky comment here.”
When I look back at those middle and high school years, I can’t help but think how much simpler my life would have been, had the internet been bustling like it is today. I mean a simple Google search for “How to be funny” yields over 100 million results! There are step by step instructions, visual aids, even videos to demonstrate how best to be funny. Perhaps if these services were available to me, I would have succeeded must faster in my goal, as well as received less attention from counselors and the man with the comfy couch whom my parents insisted I visit weekly.
After perusing some of the helpful guides out there, I think I’ve added a few new arrows to my quiver of quips. If you’d like, I’ll share a few nuggets of wisdom with you right now. You would? Excellent; here we go:
Be uber attractive or insanely wealthy: From what I’ve been able to gather from Wikipedia and other extremely reliable sources, your level of comedic genius can be directly influenced by your looks or bankroll. If you are a super model, famous actor, heir to a fortune, or Oprah, people will find everything you say to be hilarious. If I were going to give one piece of advice to someone trying to be funny, it would be to make sure you are good looking and/or rich.
Get a prop and keep it with you all the time: I’ve noticed that many “how to be funny” lists indicate that being known for a prop is a good way for people to know you are funny. As someone constantly on the lookout for funny people, so as not to be blindsided by a potential humor duel, I find this tip extremely helpful. When in a crowded room with people I’ve never met, it’s good to know that the guy holding the rubber chicken is my comedic adversary.
Work on some impressions: People love impressions. I once did an impression of a guy I knew in high school that was so dead on, my audience was left speechless. Yep, no one made a peep. I’m pretty much an expert on impressions so let me give you a piece of advice. Impersonate people that no one else knows. It’s always worked for me. Every time I do an impression, all I hear are crickets. I’m telling you, the sign of a great impression is a silent audience.
Show videos of people doing stupid things: One of the great joys of the internet is watching videos of people doing stupid things. Today, there are “comedians” that have developed entire routines around showing these videos and commenting on them. This is a comedic gold mine. The videos speak for themselves, so all you really need to do is add an “ooohhh! That’s gotta hurt!” or “Yikes, that’ll leave a mark!” every now and again, and sit back and enjoy the laughter.
So there you have it. A few drops of knowledge to help your funny flower grow, from an expert in the field of farce. At least that’s what I intend to write on my Wikipedia page.
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Hope you enjoyed Jim’s slice-of-life on being funny. Do check him out; he may end up being bigger than Bollywood film actor and superstar Rajinikanth, and you’ll really regret not jumping on his bandwagon.
And as always, your comments are very welcome. Share with The Wordslinger how much you thoroughly enjoyed his post!
Social Media – Obsessed – Top Ten
Posted: January 31, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Social Media | Tags: Facebook, Google, IPad, IPhone, Pinterest, Social media, StumbleUpon, Twitter 89 Comments
Okay, some of us may be taking the whole social media thing too far. We have our blog(s), Twitter, StumbleUpon, Facebook, Google+, Tumblr, Pinterest, and of course email accounts; and these are just the ones that readily come to mind!
With all the time and focus spent “connecting” with others on our desktops, laptops, iPhones, Androids, iPads, Kindles, etc. we have to force ourselves to make time for life – hehehe! Much like Jeff Foxworthy‘s “You might be a redneck if …” I present my take on:
You might be obsessed with social media if …
10. You start a joke with, “So this blogger walks into a bar …”
9. On vacation in the Virgin Islands (wishful thinking on my part), you say to your family, “You guys run along to the beach, I just have to get this post published really quick.”
8. You try to limit your side of a conversation to 140 words or less like you do on Twitter.
7. Whenever you meet someone new, you introduce yourself as “@mjmonaghan_”
*insert your own name there*
6. While out shopping, you spot a great gadget or design and promptly state, “I need to take a picture of that and pin it to my Pinterest pinboard.”
5. When your definition of “+1” is not bringing someone with you to an event or party, but rather adding someone to your Google+ account.
4. You’re frequently heard saying, “Did I tell you about the post I read on …”
*fill in just about ANY subject*
3. Someone in your family screams for the tenth time, “It’s time for you to come out of the virtual world, and back into real life. We have things that have to get done!”
2. In the middle of an important “talk” with your significant other, you throw out the dreaded, “Can we talk AFTER I finish commenting on a few blogs?”
and the #1 reason you might be obsessed with social media:
1. As you’re about to leave the house, you holler, “Okay Tweeps, let’s go, we’re gonna be late!”
Okay, my sarcastic friends – you know who you are – what are some of your comments that you have said, or had said to you about your obsession with social media?
12 Provocative Song Lyrics
Posted: January 23, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Music, Writing | Tags: 50 Cent, Buffett, Chuck Berry, Lil Wayne, Lyrics, Madonna, Marvin Gaye, Mick Jagger, Provocative, Rolling Stones 91 CommentsThis post is rated:
Music has stimulated our creativity, enhanced our ability to learn, inspired us to do great things, and in some cases given our bodies something to move and groove to. Song lyrics have given artists an opportunity to push the boundaries of sexuality. This phenomenon has been occurring since at least the early 1930’s (And no, thank you very much, I don’t remember that far back!).
Through my crack-research-team – do not confuse this with my team researching crack use, however – we have compiled a list of twelve songs with lyrics that were, and may still be, considered titillating.
Now I fully expect some double entendre comments, you know who you are – in particular Mikalee (Me 2.0) and Leanne (ironicmom) – and welcome your interpretation, memories, and additions to our “research.”
Song name is listed first, then artist, year of the song, and how many weeks on the US Billboard Charts:
12. Why Don’t We Get Drunk, Jimmy Buffett, 1973, never on the charts
Before Jimmy got all “Margarittaville” on us, he came out with this novelty song that got a lot of jukebox airplay, but never hit the charts. Can still be heard in bars and clubs.
11. Squeezebox – The Who, 1975, peaked at #16
The song was really about an accordion, right?? Plus, how could you resist the hot 70’s outfits?
10. My Ding-a-Ling, Chuck Berry, 1972, #1 for one week
I’m not sure what that title means. Ringing phone? Calling Mr. Ling? Whatever it means, he loved to play with it … according to the song.
9. Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band, 1976, #1 for two weeks
How could a band not be hugely popular with decapitated “head-shots” on their album cover? And I thought Afternoon Delight meant taking a nap!
8. Let’s Get It On, Marvin Gaye, 1973, #1 for two weeks
So very smooth! Marvin put the soul into romantic, groove music. Still one of the best ever! Reminds me a LOT of me … except he can sing and he was cool. 🙂
7. Lollipop, Lil Wayne, 2008, #1 for four weeks
Who says you can’t have a mouth full of chrome teeth and still get your sexy on? Could it be Weezy’s version of how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
6. Honky Tonk Women, The Rolling Stones, 1969, #1 for four weeks
Fantastic song with a lead singer who dances like a chicken. That has to be sexy! The incomparable Mick Jagger and his band that brought us “Satisfaction.”
5. Like a Virgin – Madonna, 1984, #1 for six weeks
Groundbreaking edginess for it’s time. This is a picture from my wallet that Madonna sent me when she loved me back in the 80’s. Really … it seriously could have happened! I asked her to tone down the underwear look and she ditched me. Her loss, MLB’s gain!
4. Tonight’s The Night – Rod Stewart, 1976, #1 for eight weeks
Great song! And I’ve been looking for that same, sweet-looking Speedo for years! Britt Ekland was either mad for the hair or the skimpy swim threads! Tonight must have been their night when that pic was taken. Be glad I didn’t put this in the post at full size! Eww … sorry, I just feel a little dirty now.
3. Candy Shop, 2005, 50 Cent feat. Olivia, 2005, #1 for nine weeks
Dapper rapper, 50 Cent, with Olivia, spins this song that is decidedly NOT about buying Hershey’s or Willy Wonka candy. Sorry ladies, no shirt-off Fifty in this post!
2. Physical – Olivia Newton John, 1981, #1 for ten weeks
How steamy is a unitard with a diaper at the crotch, and leg warmers? Pretty darn spicy … if it’s the 80’s! Twist a little matching white cotton for a headband, and voila – you’re talking UBER-SEXY!! What woman didn’t want to be Olivia back then? And how many guys had posters of her? Maybe I did …
1. I’ll Make Love To You, Boyz II Men, 1994, #1 for 14 weeks
According to Billboard Magazine, this trio – who creatively used not one, but two Roman numerals in their name – is the most successful group of the 90’s. The song title says it all; can’t add anything to that. I guess they thought, “Let’s just cut to the chase.” It worked for 14 weeks atop the Billboard Charts – not bad for three guys from Philly!
Okay, you’re saying, “Hey what about fill in the blank with song name??
Lay it on me – figuratively, please! Share what songs you think should have been in my list, or how you feel about the songs above.
Top 10 Blog Quotes (From Women)
Posted: January 20, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, wisdom, Writing | Tags: Andra Watkins, August McLaughlin, Blog, Humor, Leanne Shirtliffe, Little Women, Maineiac, NYC, Vegan 94 CommentsThe best part about blogging is reading great posts by so many excellent writers. I’ve been jotting down some of my favorites over the last few months and wanted to share them in a dedicated post.
My Top 10 is in no particular order, nor is it a complete list of the blogs I love to read (my RSS reader has over 250 blogs and counting). These ten women are some of the finest writers, bloggers, humorists, or foodies that I’ve read recently.
Give them a click, if you haven’t already:
10. She’s a Maineiac
Darla, or D-Woww, as she’s known in NYC nightclubs (I actually made up the NYC nightclub part :)), is one of the funniest, sweetest bloggers out there. Penning humorous observations about raising kids. Great stories.
Quote: “Time Management Able to flip pancakes, clean ketchup off ceiling, figure out an algebraic equation, unclog toilet filled with Polly Pockets, do 10 loads of laundry, drive kids to various practices, classes and play dates all at the same time.”
9. Leanne Shirtliffe – ironicmom
Another, very funny writer who chronicles her twins, Thing 1 and Thing 2, as well as her observations about life in general. Great humorist.
Quote: “DON’T use duct tape to fix the hem on your pants. Duct tape was invented to make ammo cases waterproof in World War 2. If you’re going to use it on your wardrobe, you’d better be packing heat.”
Yes, she has a month named after her! August writes on nutrition and making good lifestyle choices. This quote is taken from a recent post on her eating disorder; a must read!
Quote: “I awoke later, lying in the grassy cradle, the taste of blood and dirt in my mouth. Rather than wonder how long I’d been there or if I’d been hurt, one thought filled me with terror: Does dirt have calories?”
Cara has one of the best blogs on food, even if it is Vegan! So much fun to see what great treat she has whipped up, and the words to go with the amazing photos are like poetry!
Quote: “But once I arrived at Anthropologie (which by the way, if God is a woman and wears clothes, She so would shop here, I’m convinced) …”
6. The Accidental Cootchie Mama
I’m always amazed at Andra’s use of words to so aptly describe anything she’s writing about. From a poignant tribute to her husband to writing PG-rated posts with old porn movie titles – yep, you heard that right! – she is a marvel with the English language.
Quote: “Every day with you is another package to be unwrapped. Savored. You are my favorite person, the one who takes the raw edges and colors them, untangles them, unites them in a way I could never envision on my own.”
I recently discovered Patricia’s blog. What a talented writer who brings her memories, good and bad, into her posts. Well worth a visit.
Quote: “The 1960′s – my 1960′s – were coloured in lime-green paisleys and denim-blue. I didn’t grow up in an episode of Leave It To Beaver but more like Little Women directed by Alfred Hitchcock and I am always Jo.”
If you haven’t read anything by Tori, you might want to stumble over there in your Snuggie, with cup of Joe in hand, and spend some time laughing through your nose! Flat-out-funny!
Quote: “As the old adage goes, “Don’t stop ’til you get enough”, and pretty soon my tapping toes and hair-flipping ruckus could not be caged. Energy aimed for a brilliant blog entry recalculated, took a left to Funky Town, and weaved willy-nilly across lanes and through red lights until I forgot that my sole purpose in waking this morning was not, in fact, to bring sexy back.”
3. The Heartbreak of Invention
A writer’s writer, Patrice crafts word and emotion – seamlessly. You walk away from one of her posts sweating with discomfort on the one hand, and feeling like you just witnessed the release of a heart-heavy burden. Cathartic!
Quote: “I sometimes wonder, outside of transcending oneself, where exactly does an earthbound creature find her peace? Where does she encounter the courage to continue with this beautiful yet doubt-filled contraption of a life, this only life she truly knows, this only life that is truly hers? Where will she be kindly escorted, time and time again, back to the battered entrance of herself?”
Full of interesting observations – on life, a pet, or maybe a child, Terri has a knack for taking you on her journey with an ease of familiarity. I Love reading her stories.
Quote: “I wanted to run after her, grab her by the curls and throw her down on the pavement. I wanted to poke the heel of my boot into her chest as she lay on the ground and ask her who she thought she was. I wanted to ask her who writes a check for five dollars worth of potato chips anyway? I wanted to ask her if it had occurred to her that all she had accomplished was humiliating a poor high-school girl.”
1. Me 2.0
Not sure where to begin with Mikalee. Such a talented, funny writer. Insightful, interesting, but never irreverent or sarcastic! 🙂 I could have pulled any random sentence(s), but settled on her “About …” for this post.
Quote: “About Mikalee Byerman How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting, blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings…sheesh, people…) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping other people heal.”
Have you read any of the blogs above? Any comments you’d like to share about these talented writers?
I changed the title by adding (from Women) because the men were feeling left out. Future post from Men coming in the near future. No slight intended, guys!
I Had A Dream … Too!
Posted: January 17, 2012 Filed under: Humor, Lifestyle, Writing | Tags: Alfie, Dream, garage, High jump, interpretation, Javier Sotomayor, Martin Luther King, Mechanic, nightmare, Psychology 51 CommentsNo, seriously, “I” had a dream. I mean no disrespect to Martin Luther King, Jr. He was, and still is, one of my greatest heroes. So the fact that, 1) I had a dream that I actually remembered, and 2) had this dream on MLK day – well, MLK day … night, actually – seemed astonishing, and well, a bit ironic.
Dreams can be a fuzzy thing. A misty fog that makes it hard to see clearly; especially when you’re in the middle of the dream. This one was not like that. There was a clarity that I rarely have in the dream-world.
The setting is an industrial site in an outlying area of a nondescript city (is it nondescript, if I’m describing it??). There’s an auto garage, and behind this service station is …
A high jump standard and landing pads.
Of course, this is something one sees EVERY day in the waking world:
Your friendly mechanic with a high jump area behind his garage!
In this other-world, I’m competing in an intense sporting match – of course, wearing jeans and my trademark white t-shirt. You have your “little black dress,” I have my “extra-large-white-t-shirt!”
Mind you, the WORLD RECORD for men’s high jump is 8 feet. An incredible mark set by Javier Sotomayor of Cuba in 1993. That is … until last night when I broke the standard with an absolute, record-shattering 11 feet!! Two exclamation points are required because it’s so mind-blowing to surpass the previous high by an astounding 3 FEET!
I say this for honesty’s-sake: It actually took two previous attempts (both misses), before I finally stepped up and glided smoothly over the bar. You didn’t think I could clear 11′ on the first try, did you??
I’m thinking it looked something like this (in my mind, anyway):
Yep, that’s exactly how my legs look – all chiselled from my years of high jumping. Well, maybe not quite as muscular as that. Probably a little more like this:
So, what’s-this-all-about-Alfie? This crazy high jump dream. Setting some unattainable record? Having such a clear reverie; on MLK day, no less?
Any dream interpreters out there? Would love to hear any guesses as to why this vagary!
RSS Feed Reader – Even an MJ Could Do It!
Posted: January 13, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Writing | Tags: Blog, Feed Readers, Google, Google Reader, News aggregator, Paranormal, RSS, Sisyphus, Surely MJ knows better! 86 CommentsGenius. Intellectual. Brainiac.
Three words you will not see in the same sentence with my name. See here for proof. I make no apologies; one has to accept the gifts one was given, right?? My talents lie elsewhere – fortunately, none of them are any of these, either (just “WOW!” to #1 – did he really do that??).
You see, most of you are using only 10% of your brain – as studies suggest. However, in my case, I’m using the full 100% of my mental capabilities and still falling short of your 10%!
The PROBLEM 😦
After months of blogging, commenting on blogs, and replying to comments on my posts, one thing has been haunting me. Something scarier than the trailer for Paranormal 3:
I CAN’T get a grasp on how to stay up with all the blogs I want to read and comment on. It has been something that has kept me awake at night – cold sweat running down my forehead. I’ve clicked on the links to those who make comments on my blog, mentally ran down a list of those I could remember, had posts come via email (disastrous to the inbox), and spend hours each day trying to keep up.
I am Sisyphus – pushing my giant ball of blogs up the mountain, only to slip back each day, never getting everything read that I had hoped for. Am I just a boulder -achiever over-achiever?
Some of you “smart ones” like Rosemary Jayne, Being Arindam, and
My Haphazard Proclivities are going to be laughing at me as you read further – though I don’t mean that in a bad way.
The SOLUTION!! 😮
Well, after getting frustrated for so long, I went in search of something that would aggregate, or consolidate, all the blogs that I’m following into one list that showed a snapshot of the posts for each blog. Okay, techy people “rolling on the floor laughing” right now – watch out for MJ karma! 🙂 For all of you non-techies, like me, this little tool is called an RSS Feed Reader.
I’m not going to go all up in your grill about the technical aspects of how this gizmo works, because, well … I can’t! So you might want to ask someone with “skills.” Anyway, here is what my actual Google Reader looks like:
Actual screenshot of my Google Reader.
The blogs that I subscribe to are on the bottom, left-hand side of the screen (there are many more if you were able to scroll down). In the middle is the highlighted subscription – in this case, it’s Leanne Shirtliffe at ironicmom.
You can probably tell that I’m a little excited about something that could save me two to three hours a day. It will also help ensure that I’m not missing one of the blog posts that I want to read from one of my favorite blogs.
Maybe this is something that would help you in your blog reading – or maybe you’re thinking, “duh, dude!” Either way, I just had to share this with you all, just in case it could help someone.
Anyone have an even better way to to organize blog reading? I’m always open for improvement.
Here’s to better-organized, voluminous reading of your great blog posts, my friends!
And the Oscar, Emmy, and Pulitzer Goes To …
Posted: January 9, 2012 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Writing | Tags: Bacon, Blog, Candle Lighter Award, community, Emmy, Liebster Blog Award, Oscar, Pulitzer, Versatile Blogger Award 106 Comments
One of the greatest things about blogging is the sense of community. And you are a giving group. In accepting the awards below from so many of my blogging heroes, I want to also give back.
Without further ado:
The Liebster Blog Award
“‘Liebster’ means ‘favorite’ or ‘dearest’ in German. This award, which originated in Germany, recognizes up and coming bloggers! In accepting this award, I agree to:
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Thank the person that gave me the award and link back to their blog
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Copy and paste the award to my blog
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Reveal the 5 blogs I have chosen to award and let them know by commenting on their blog
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Pay it forward by awarding it to bloggers I would like to honor”
Here are the five blogs that I have chosen to receive this award, please check out their great blogs:
The Candle Lighter Award
Thank you so much to the following awesome bloggers for nominating this blog for the Candle Lighter Award:
Being Arindam …. Arindam
happykidshappymom Melissa
This award is for those bloggers whose words light the way through the blogosphere. It originated at Believe Anyway, for blogs “that bring light to the world [and offer] inspiration, hope, optimism, good advice, faith filled assurances, and even humor.”
There are no rules for this award. It’s just a way of pointing out inspirational blogs.
I would like to pass the Candle Lighter Award on to the following blogs:
1. stayoutofmyhead
2. i know i made you smile
3. These Are Days
4. Fork and Beans
5. For You, Daddy!
6. iliketheworldfuzzy
7. FiftyFourandAHalf
8. The Heartbreak of Invention
9. candy coated musings…
10. jayjaysfavorites
11. Day by Day the Farm Girl Way…
The Versatile Blogger Award
Many of my favorite bloggers nominated my blog for this award:
critters and crayons Patricia
Mother, Beader and Coffee Lover Jen
http://cathyespiritu.wordpress.com/ Cathy
http://jayjaysfavorites.wordpress.com Judy
Cause Mom Says So Jess
allaboutlemon Dolly
FiftyFourandAHalf Elyse
Please show some blog love to the following nominees for the Versatile Blogger Award:
- Life, Love, & Baby
- I’d Rather Be In Iceland
- earthriderdotcom
- Sunny Side Up
- ARTICLES OF ABSURDITY
- Me 2.0
- The Wordslinger
- http://aggiesprite.wordpress.com/
- http://www.thelainelist.com/
- musings of a twenty-something
- livingoutmypurpose
- queensrules
- My Haphazard Proclivities
- Violets and Cardamom
- THE BACKGROUND STORY
- August McLaughlin’s Blog
- Sweet Sophia
To cover all my bases, I’m going to give ten things about myself that you may not know:
1. Bacon – it’s what’s for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Very versatile.
2. I’m the second oldest of seven.
3. Always sleep with my socks on – winter or summer – and that’s all I’m sayin’!
4. Favorite city is San Diego, and the north San Diego coast is my favorite area.
5. I get along well with numbers.
6. Have a tremendous love for England – the people and the countryside. We lived there for four years.
7. Hate being scared. Have hit people who surprised me by scaring me, not knowing my fear.
8. Got married in upstate New York.
9. Won a national championship (in my division) in 3-on-3 basketball in my mid 30’s.
10. MLB says I have trouble saying “I’m sorry.” She could be right.
You all shouldn’t have, but it gave me a great opportunity to recognize other amazing bloggers.
It’s a Boy’s World! (or “Boys Will Be Boys”)
Posted: January 2, 2012 Filed under: Family, Home, Humor, Writing | Tags: brother, car, confession, fire, glue, matches, model, mom, parenting, priest 47 Comments“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. My last confession was a month ago and these are my sins …”
————
My brother Scott’s ’57 Chevy melted like candle wax.
Ooh, look at the hood, man! It’s so distorted,” I said to Scott.
We were like most boys our age – we had worked really hard on building our model cars. Painstakingly putting together all the plastic pieces. The smell of model cement lingering in the air – and no, we didn’t sniff it!
It was a boy’s world, and it was ours to destroy. We rarely painted our polystyrene works-of-wonder; there was no point wasting the time, or money, on detailing. As soon as we finished building our cars, my brother and I would venture into the woods, model cars in hand, and do what we did best:
Pyrotechnics!
We would bring our matches – readily available in any household, back then – find a secluded spot in the forest, and … start a small, controlled burn for our plastic masterpieces.
It was a sweltering day in the late ’60’s when the unthinkable happened. Scott had already completed a successful melt, and his ’57 Chevy model was looking sweet – nicely twisted. The doors folded into the middle of the body, the hood sunken in, plastic wheels like sludge in the dirt. A “melt” well done!
Now it was my turn. I built up a little kindling and set my ’62 Impala on top. It looked like a mini funeral pyre. Something like this:
Well … maybe not quite this large!
I grabbed my book of paper matches and pulled a single match out of the book. The only problem I had was that I wasn’t very good at striking the match against the striker on the bottom. So what I always did, was insert the match between the cover and the striker and pull the match sideways to light the match. Don’t be laughing, YOU! You know that some of you used this same technique, right??
As I pulled the match to the side, the match lighted. Unfortunately, so did the rest of the full book of matches. In a split second – that seemed to last forever – I saw a flash of fire in front of me … AND … the webbing between my thumb and index finger, engulfed in flames!
I flailed my hand in the air trying to put out the fire, and then pounded my hand against my pants. As quickly as it flared up, it was extinguished. But the damage was done. Looking at my hand, there were already large blisters appearing. And wow -searing pain started to register on my brain, now.
The first words that were uttered came from my brother: “DON’T tell mom! DO NOT tell mom! We’re gonna be in big trouble for playing with matches!” The words trailed off as I took off on a dead run. Normally Scott would have been able to outrun me, but the adrenaline was too strong. I ran that quarter mile home like an Olympic sprinter, and bolted through the front door.
I screamed out, “We were playing with matches … burned hand … matches … hand … burned … hurts!”
There were seven kids in our family – all a year apart. This meant that we were no strangers to the emergency room, and that Mom had the cool and calm of a trauma nurse. She packed us in the station wagon, and off we went.
This is all my brother and I heard on the way, and we were concerned: “I’ll talk to you boys after we get home.”
Well, the doctor remarked that this was a serious burn, and that I would not be able to get it wet for several weeks. This was really bad for someone like me who swam like a fish, at the local public pool, nearly every day. I got the wound cleaned, ointment put on, and my entire hand wrapped in a bandage, and we started for home.
It was a VERY silent ride home. Mom was undoubtedly mulling over what the punishment would be for this heinous crime. And yes, we were still worried. Anything but telling Dad. That was quite possibly worse than death.
We walked in the door at home and my brother and I tossed off our shoes and headed to our room.
“Where are you going??” Mom said, in a tone that stopped us in our tracks.
“Get your shoes back on, boys!!”
So … my mom did what any self-respecting Catholic mom would have done – made us walk the two miles to church, for confession!
“New” is Not the OLD “New”
Posted: December 30, 2011 Filed under: Blogging, Family, Humor, wisdom, Writing | Tags: abs, Blog, Eminem, family, home, is the new, proverb, writing 47 CommentsNostalgia,
Sentimentality,
Romantic notions,
Thoughtful recollection.
Another year. And time for reflection.
Stream-of-consciousness-style.
From the time I was a wee lad, I’ve always loved a profound word, or the wisdom of a proverb. When I was a child, my dad would bring home these calendars that had sayings on the top of each page. You know, “Early to bed, early to rise …” – that kind of thing. I would read all of them in a couple of hours and pore over their meaning for days.
I remember thinking how old my grandparents were, years ago, when they were the age I am today. I wondered what it would be like to be THAT old.
“Old age is fifteen years older than I am.” Oliver Wendell Holmes
This is one of the things I love about blogging with this great community. There is no age – really. Young and old – let’s just say “older” – alike, share their experiences; their hopes, dreams, failures, and yes, their successes.
And their boundless creativity.
ethericwarriors.com
It’s like being around one of those electric-y gizmos that has all those tiny lightning bolt things in a clear globe and when you touch it your hair stands up straight. That’s the kind of excitement I get reading about everything so many of you do. The writing, drawing, photography, graphic design, etc. – along with your thoughts and emotions.
I’ve felt younger than I was, since I entered my 20’s. So I’ve been a proponent of the “30 is the new 20,” and then, “40 is the new 30,” and lately “50 is the new 30 40.” 🙂
Yes, the once-tight pecs are now soft-ish-man-breasts; the eight-pack abs have been relegated to a single-pack; the hair drizzled mostly grey; and legs that used to run 20 miles at a time, are now struggling to make it up a few flights of stairs!
But I don’t envy youth; I admire them. Still relating to their enthusiasm and zest for life. I AM 20, 30, 40, and 50! Really! I am all of those ages. The thrill of bench-pressing 280 lbs several times, running six-minute-miles ad nauseum, flexing 15 inch guns in the mirror, wooing my lovely bride at 26 years old, slapping gel on my newly cut “fade,” and flooring the accelerator on my Camaro, are all vivid memories.
But I also look back at the smiles on my kids’ faces, their sports and arts done well (mostly), and the successes and mistakes I made as a husband, father, son, brother, and friend.
So, I don’t get bummed out as another year ends, and a new one begins. It’s just the next chapter in the book.
As I hit play on my iPod, Eminem rings out:
“Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth …”
I can’t help but think, “‘New’ is the new ‘new’!”
Is Today Your Day?
Posted: December 29, 2011 Filed under: Blogging, Humor, Lifestyle | Tags: holiday, Literature, New Year, New Year Resolution, procrastination, put off, shakespeare 35 Comments“Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed.” Grenville Kleiser
This is neither insightful nor wise: I’ve decided not to wait until 2012 for my New Year’s resolutions. Okay … I know, it’s only a couple of days early! It’s not that I’m super-productive or any better than the next person. I’m above-average in terms of getting things done, and I sometimes frequently succumb to the “p-word.” (shhhh! – “procrastination“)
joeydevilla.com
But I just came to the conclusion that “today” is the day to start kicking it in gear a little bit more than normal.
“Today” is the day I said, “I can just do it tomorrow!”
Here are some things to ponder:
– You don’t have to get everything done today, and done perfectly, you just need to get it started. Cut back just a little on food (except for chocolate, of course), do a bit of housework that’s been put off for a while. Don’t try to do everything all at once. *do as I say, not as I do*
– The word “procrastinate” should be a noun, since there’s no action that takes place with it.
– When opportunity is knocking, be sure you have your keys and coat ready. But that can only happen if you’re prepared. Right?
Just a short post (aka, “postito” – thank you, Mikalee Byerman) today. Hope it’s a productive one for all of you! And happy blogging – I, personally, have no problem keeping that aspect of my life going! 🙂
“In delay there lies no plenty.” William Shakespeare
mj monaghan 