Monthly Archives: May 2010

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Lovers to friends

Is it possible to remain friends with your ex? Yes, but there’s no universal rule to this. All depends on how the relationship ended. And it takes time to develop a real friendship with your ex. I’m not talking here about the civilized relationship we can keep with our ex for the sake of our children.

I don’t think it’s possible to become instant friends with your ex just after the breakup. There’s always frustration and bitterness in the way.  “With N., despite I had no feelings for him at all at the end of our relationship, we didn’t get friends immediately. When we broke up, he didn’t want to see me anymore. And we ended up not speaking with each other for several months. Then, he called me and asked if it was possible just to have a drink together in a cafe. I didn’t know what to expect from it, but I accepted. And this is how we began our friendship. He was seeing another woman. I didn’t feel he was trying to win me back. It was very clear he only wanted to be my friend. And that’s what I wanted too” G.,32, said.

True friendship means honesty, and if the feelings aren’t clear with our ex, this is how it can  create tensions that can lead to a huge fight and the conclusion we don’t want to see him again. The ultimate test for this is when we start to have a new love life. “I was supposed to be friends with my ex, but when I got a new man, he acted like a jealous boyfriend with me, and even tried to ruin my relationship. I knew I didn’t want him back, so I told him to stop his behavior. He didn’t want to, so we concluded it was best if he stayed away from me” I., 35, said.

The reverse  situation can also happen if he/she jumps into a new relationship.”O. and I. had a complicated relationship. I was never satisfied because he never acted like I wanted, but yet, I couldn’t help running back to him whenever we had a huge fight and I threatened to leave him. Until I left him for good. He didn’t want to lose me, and asked if we could remain friends. I accepted, but when he started dating women again, I was so jealous. I could have decided to concentrate on my own love life, but I couldn’t. As a result, it took me years to get over this relationship. This destroyed my self-esteem” T., 36, said.

The new love interest of your ex, or yours, will have to accept this friendship. And it’s not an easy task, because he/she can consider you as a rival.  And if you’re not clear with your feelings, this is how you can end up either in a love triangle, or lose this friendship.

So, do you think it’s possible to be friends with your ex?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The mess I made

Leaving a loveless relationship seems to be easy. But when you spent years with your ex, it can still be difficult. Even if you know you took the right decision to leave.

Life is too short to have regrets. Yet, we’re neither heartless nor without memories, and we can’t erase like that years of relationship that made up who we are now.  This is why some people take months to really make the separation in their head, even if they were the one who left the relationship.

Guilt plays an important part in our hesitation. When it’s over, we can’t help wondering if things would have been different if we have said this or reacted like that instead of letting our relationship destroy itself. But the past is the past, and we can’t rewind time. This can only serve as a lesson for us, a lesson that teaches us who we are, and what we shouldn’t do anymore.

Our level of responsibilities in the break up plays an important role too. If we left the relationship because we had simply enough of his/her behaviors, this won’t be the same as if we leave it because we came to the conclusion we don’t love him/her that much otherwise we wouldn’t have cheated on him/her.

The eternal unsatisfied would have such dilemma. It’s the kind of person who’s never happy, who doesn’t really know what he/she wants and can’t really enjoy the other’s company for just what it is.  Casanova and seducers fall into this category. They’re just trapped in their need to be seen by most of the people, as Milan Kundera explains it in the “Unbearable lightness of being”.

One person doesn’t look at them as he/she should, and suddenly, this person becomes more important than the rest of the world. But once the seducer got what he/she wanted, this person becomes not so important, until another one takes his/her place.

In the breakup, they would fear to become less important to the one they left. That’s why it can hurt so bad in their ego.

In the end, it’s our own failure that reflects into a breakup. Our own image. And we may be not comfortable with it. But we have to accept it. Otherwise, when love will come knocking on our door again, we can miss it with our hesitation.

There’s no peace in indecision.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The key to your heart

Do you believe there’s someone perfect for you? Someone who holds the key to your heart?

Some believe it, some don’t. Among those who argue that soulmates don’t exist, some say that it’s like wishing for something that will never happen. And that this is how you can miss great opportunities to meet great people.

Many of my friends don’t believe in soulmates. Yet, some of them are married. And they tell me that they didn’t think their other half was the “one”. One of them met her husband in a dance class. He was there with other guys she got along. She said she could have been with them too. But he made his move, and got her. She’s happy with him. She doesn’t think he’s the one, because they don’t have a lot of common points. But she’s convinced there’s nobody else who can make her happy like he does.

Another one met her man in high school. Back then, she said she wasn’t interested in him at all. But she let him approach her. They did separate a few months when she went studying in Copenhague, but when she came back, she decided to take him back. The men she dated during her year off weren’t as kind as her man, and she realized she was better off with him. As for the one, well, she said he could be the one, after all these years spent together.

Maybe she’s right. Love isn’t immediate, and takes time to develop genuinely. Only time will tell if he/she’s the right person for you. Of course, time on itself isn’t enough. Otherwise, why would couples divorce after 6 to 13 years?

In the end, I believe that the one is the person who helps you to build your couple, the one who helps you to write your love story, the story of your life.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, rant, relationships, thoughts, women

Lie to me

Baratiner. In French, this word is used when you lie to someone. It is also used to describe a way of cruising, particularly among the young. Yet, when men grow up, this doesn’t disappear. It can even evolve into a sophisticated lie.

Normally, following this simple rule as mentioned in the rules would prevent you to get fooled: let him call you. If he doesn’t, then you know he’s just playing with you. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t spend the night with him directly.

But there are curious cases. A., let’s call him that way because it is the first letter of Asshole,  did call, not only once, but twice after a date. He would play with you the “me too” and asks a lot of questions about yourself. He would elaborate projects in the future with you, and promise you thick and thin.

Then, all of a sudden, A. becomes distant with you. Once he made sure you were falling in love with him.  Some of my friends think men like that are just afraid of commitment. But in the case of A., he got married twice. Maybe in between (and during) his marriages, he’s just playing it as a sentimental delinquent.

In any case, this is what we call a toxic man. How do you heal from that kind of ASSHOLE? Well, take your distance with him. And if you feel blue and want to get in touch with him, follow this advice a very good friend of mine gave me: send your SMS/email to a friend and call a friend instead of him.

And remember: on the long run, a lie is unsustainable. Sooner or later, you will discover the truth. Even if it hurts.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Playing by the rules

Recently, we discussed with some of my female friends about “the rules”. Because let’s face it, we all have set some rules regarding dating. Our experience taught us about these. For instance, sleeping on the first night. If we don’t want to see the guy after, or just want to have sex with him, this rule doesn’t count. Yet, there are exceptions.  We all know women who slept on the first night and are married to the man.

Another one would be not making the first move. Of course, we all know exception to this. One of my friends had to make the first move because her then future husband was too shy to try anything with her. But in general, this is a good rule. Because it helps you to sort the pretendant. Most of my friends don’t do this. They did try in the past, but the results were really disappointing. So, they decided to let the man come to them.

Then, there’s the phone call/SMS/ email. The trickiest part. Of course, if he doesn’t call, this just means he’s not interested. But we all agree that we shouldn’t let him call and not respond to him until the third times. As the rules mention it. One of my friends thinks it’s just cruel. And I do agree with her. Unless you want to take your revenge on the guy, don’t do this. We all believe this could discourage him from calling you. But we all agree he has to call after our date.

All in all, I do believe that we don’t choose our partner by pure randomness. Therefore, we should listen to our emotions rather than simply follow these rules. When I ask my friends if they felt something for the guy who didn’t call them afterwards, most of them admit they didn’t like him. But it’s tough to get rejected, even by  a guy we didn’t like, isn’t it?

Of course, you can get fooled by a man. There are allergic to commitment, intimacy,… But generally, they come with a warning signal. Some even told you directly they’re not good for you. If you don’t listen to that, you should ask yourself why.

Some men do change. They can become faithful, mature,… if they find the right person. This doesn’t mean you’re the right one, unfortunately. You have a tiny chance to be this person. Just listen to the signs he’s giving you. Remember that a relationship is based on two people. If love is only one-sided, it’s doomed.

Friends and family are a precious help if you don’t see clearly in your emotions. I know, it is difficult to listen to them. But it’s important to share with them what ‘s wrong with your partner. They have a better ability to see what ‘s wrong than you. Simply because we often see clearly what the other don’t see in their life.

So, if there are any rules, these would be: follow your emotions, and respect yourself.

What are your rules for dating?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

In the mood for love

How come we can completely lose desire? Some argue that exhaustion can explain this. But I’m not convinced at all.

Desire/lust is something complicated. And our looks can’t help that much in this equation. B., 31, lived with a total hottie for five years, but she ended up having no sex with him on the last six months of their relationship. She said she didn’t fancy him anymore. Her ex has a banging body, but this wasn’t enough. He didn’t treat her the right way. She got so angry with him that she lost completely her desire for him.

A., 41, told me she had the best sex of her life with a true nottie. She didn’t expect it at all the first time she saw him. But he had the ability to dominate her in the bedroom. She said she could have done anything with him.

Sometimes, jealousy can help us to win back our libido. Sometimes, not. I.,34, and her husband, needed to have a lover to get back their desire for each other. She got jealous he could see elsewhere, and so did he. But they realized their desire wasn’t dead. They just needed a trigger.

O., 35, did go elsewhere too. But this only made her realize she didn’t fancy her husband anymore. She didn’t care at all he had a mistress too. In fact, she secretly hoped he would leave her for his mistress. But he didn’t. So, she decided to break.

Paradoxally, our desire needs tensions to develop. There’s no better sex than the one after a fight, isn’t it?  There are natural tensions between individuals that make us in lust or not. But when there are too much tensions, our desire just runs away.  Tensions can come from frustration, coming itself from humiliation, anger, fears,…

Maybe this is a good indicator for our couple. When we lose desire, this means we’re having big problems in it. So, either we solve these problems if it’s possible. Or we just call it quits.

Most of my friends think that when desire is gone, the couple is dead. They may have reason.

So, what makes you in the mood for love?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, rant, relationships, thoughts, women

What’s my age again?

As I evolve right now in the thirty-something world, many people ask me if I plan to get married or have children really soon. Most women of my age fall into that category.  But I don’t see why I should absolutely follow their example. And many of my single friends agree with this. After all, we decide what we want to do with our life. It’s not our age that should decide what we have to do.

It’s true that most of thirty-something women follow the same social pattern. That particular age is the one where our professional career finally takes off after many years spent to build something without that much success.

It could also be that age where we finally find the career we want to follow. A friend of mine only found recently what she wanted to do in her life. So, this is the right time women choose to have a baby. Or not.

Yet, some women do have their kids earlier or later because life has decided otherwise. A friend of mine, who’s 42, told me she lost hope to have a kid and settle down. She’s not exactly what we could call a conventional woman. But she has lived her life like she wanted so far. This included living in various countries,  changing jobs and men repeatedly.

For those who hear their biological clock ticking, this age can also be a problem. I’ve seen many women of my age adopting curious eating habits, dieting to the extreme, abusing sports and looking for the help of surgery just because they feel it’s now or never to catch their “prey” or keep him. It’s among them that you will find the one who can’t go out without any makeup, high heels, and a killer style. They are also the ones who have a more daring sexuality (and who collect sextoys).  Younger women are generally too shy or too unexperienced to do this. And older women don’t care or are much confident about how they look to try this.

This is an age where we can make our key choices. We can choose convention, tradition, order, and its opposite, confusion. I guess  I chose the last one. I know I’m not the only one.

So, when did you know you had to follow your own path?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

An easier lover

I wrote recently that I don’t believe it’s easier to date an older man. Well, a recent conversation with one of my friends, and an article I found in a magazine, made me change my mind.

In fact, it depends a lot on how the man sees a woman. I’ve met a lot of disrespectful men in my life, who only treat women as pure object, and I must say I’ve been influenced a lot by it. In my world, my professional, I often see powerful men dating young and very beautiful women. I can’t count the numerous dinner galas where I was invited and where all those guys were accompanied by their “wife”, who looked as if they just finished a photoshoot in the latest Vogue edition.

But then, I realized that all men weren’t like that. Luckily. My friend told me I had it wrong when I wrote my previous post. Because some men do love women for what they are. No matter how fat, how imperfect  they are. This is what he said. “We’re all  not looking for a woman who will satisfy us in bed. This doesn’t make a relationship” he said.

He’s convinced older men can be easy lover, depending on what we expect from them. “All men don’t want just a one-night stand. And passed a certain age, we can get tired about that. So, if we pick a woman, it is to have a serious relationship, and this won’t be based on her looks. We also look for a strong connection” he said.

Hence, the recommandations of those two women can come handy to catch that kind of men…

Maybe I’m too cynical.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Patience

Infinite patience produces immediate results. This was my fortune cookie for friday. In this world where we consume everything quickly, patience is like setting yourself aside from it.

In my job, patience is essential. I have to interview big personalities, who are not available. And it can take months, even years, before I get the opportunity to have them in front of me. Even for writing my articles, I need material, informations that don’t come easily.

When it comes to love, patience is essential too. One of my friends says it’s important to take your time before jumping into a relationship. It’s even more important to wait before spending the night together, she thinks. I do agree with her. Love doesn’t come easily.

This is how you can fall desperately in love with someone, but don’t get into a relationship immediately because there are a lot of hurdles. When I was in high school, there was a girl who was secretly in love with one of my classmates. But he never knew about it until recently. He was the guy who dated most of the girls in our school. And was never alone. So, she never dared telling him about her feelings at that time. She thought her love for him would fade away when they would study in different towns.

They went their separate ways during College. But funny enough, they got back to our school. They’re now teachers. During College, he got fed up with dating so many girls, and wanted to settle down. But never found the woman he was looking for. She, on the other hand, decided to take her love life in hands, and dated as many men she could. But no one could keep up with her former flame.

When they met again, in our school, years later, they looked at each other and wondered if they would make a good match. It didn’t happen immediately. It took them a year to get together. They needed to tame each other first.

She told me she felt her heart racing again when she saw him after all these years. And almost blew it up because she was too excited to get into that relationship. He wanted to be sure she was the one, so he put her to the test. She was a bit disoriented by this. But we all told her to wait, to be patient.

They’re now married. And she’s pregnant with their second child. I think it was worth waiting.

But it’s not easy to wait, isn’t it?

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Modern couples

Once, we had a conversation with some of my friends about what’s defining a couple. Nowadays,  when we look around us, there is no universal rule for this definition.

Many couples I know live together, have children together, go on holidays together. Yet, there are couples I know who don’t go on holidays together, don’t live together, and choose to pick a father/mother for their child because they don’t feel able to do this on their own.

One of my friends, who lives separately from her fiancee, says she chose this option because it has saved their couple. They did try to live together. But it was a catastrophe. Now, she says they only share the good part of the couple, aka the one without household chores, storage, stupid decision about decoration,…She’s also convinced that routine kills the romance.

One of my acquaintances is also convinced about this. That’s why she chose to live in a separate apartment from her man. They both have children, and live with them. They try to see each other as much  as possible, but apart from their home.

Another of my friends chose to live with a married man who’s not her lover, just her best friend, with his wife’s blessing. She said that after her friend and wife spent one year living together, they decided to live separately again, but this doesn’t mean they’re breaking up.

There’s no manual for living together, we don’t teach that in school, always says one of my coworkers. Maybe this explains why some people choose to distance themselves from the classical form of the couple.

Does it mean it’s the best way to have a sustainable couple? I don’t know. I guess if both parties agree on how their couple should work, then it’s ok. But it’s important to know what you want in your relationship first.

So, do you think living together is a living hell?

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