So, I decided to subscribe to a dating site again. Of course, in the hope to find love. But something is telling me that it won’t be easy. First, because I’m terrified. I published a profile very specific, mentioning what I expect from the man who will share my life.

I thought this would dissuade many guys, but no. And nobody has yet written me a very personal (and kind) message telling me he relates to who I am. Instead, I get tons of messages from guys who just drop by and see if there is any chance they could score with me. It could be with me, it could be with any other woman.

I bet some just copy/paste their pick up lines in their message. There’s nothing personal in it.

Then, I also found some curious cases too. Like the guy who doesn’t know me but decided I’m selfish and doesn’t hesitate to tell me about it. And when I took a glance at his profile, I just saw he was looking for a woman of maximum 38, while he’s 48. Nice.

There are also the guys (desperate) who describe everything personal in their life, in the hope you will pity them. It just reminds of my old days in College, where you see a young student not very handsome trying with every girl in the room, hoping one will say yes. Usually, he got what he wanted in the last hour of the party. A usually lost and drunken girl would yield to his advances. How nice.

And I also find a guy who complains women never answer to messages. I wonder why…

I did try to make the first step. But here, I got rejected. I realized the guys were only interested in having sex. Curiously, no one is quite honest about this in their profile.  I would prefer some honesty here. It would prevent me from wasting my time.

So, do you have a good experience with dating sites? If so, tell me about it.

I was reading last week an article about the difference between men and women when it comes to say goodbye. The article basically said that men were all cowards and don’t know how to break up properly. Either they chose a very violent option or they will try to push their future ex to take the decision to end the relationship.

And if they leave themselves, they hardly give a decent explanation for their act. They will also help themselves with another woman.

I was quite surprised to read this, because I must admit I’m not that different from a man when it comes to leave a relationship. And most of my female friends did admit that either they choose a violent way to end the relationship, or they will try to push their future ex to take the decision to leave. Some of them also told me they needed to have another relationship to find the courage to leave their old one. This was also my case, when I left a twelve year relationship seven months ago.

Why are we so coward?

It’s difficult to leave and to call it quits. Unless you realize you were with a true bastard and that he/she just deserves no pity, it’s very hard to say goodbye to someone you loved but you don’t love anymore. You just feel bad, like a monster. It’s very culpabilizing because you know you will hurt your future ex.

But we can’t leave without any explanation. it’s like denying the existence of your future ex. This can destroy him.

My ex needed to know the reasons why I left, and I had a really hard time to tell him the truth. But I did. I was really afraid of his reaction. But we managed to stay friends despite all of this.

Telling him the truth helped him to do the mourning of this relationship. And move on. When I left him, he insisted to know the truth and told me that I owed him that. He was reason.

My ex is 38. He’s much wiser than B., who’s 49, and who is a coward. B. never explained why he wanted to end our relationship. He just said we needed to take a break because his wife was aware of my existence and that he was in trouble for his job. But he didn’t want me to go away. And he’s still very present in my life today. As a  result, I’m still hoping he would change his mind. He hasn’t given me the help I need to do the mourning of this relationship.

I did try to cut all contacts with B. But each time, he would call me and tell me he doesn’t want to lose me. And I’m weak and powerless over him. But I know I can’t go on forever like this.

And for sure, I’m not ready to jump in a new relationship because of all of this confusion.

So, if I can give an advice to all of you, it should be this: always tell the truth when you leave someone.

Recently, I went to see an old friend of mine who lives abroad. She asked me to meet her at her parents’s house. Her parents divorced seven years ago, and I was surprised to hear they got back together.

Among my friends, she’s not the only one whose parents got back together after they divorced many years ago. When I left high school, one of my friends was devastated because he learned his parents were divorcing. Ten years later, they decided to reignite their flame, without telling my friend about it. He lives abroad too, so it wasn’t difficult for them to hide their affair. Until he discovered it when he came back in our country without telling them about it.

Both of my friends’parents divorced because one cheated on the other. Each time, the father left for another woman. And years later, he came back miserable. In both case, they got back together after a tragic event. My friend n°1 lost her newborn two days after she was born and went into a severe depression after that. My friend n°2 had his sister really sick. She needed to be hospitalized for several weeks to cure her disease. These tragic events forced their parents to see each other very often. But I guess nostalgia played an important role too.

When you spend ten, twenty, thirty years with the same person, the memories you have with him/her can be numerous. Plus, he/she knows you thoroughly after all these years. This thought can be comforting, especially in hard times. And these bonds are hard to erase. These will always remain.

One of my friends says we all have doubts about getting back with our ex. She told me this once as we were speaking about the man I love, who’s separated from his wife. She said that against her, I have a heavy disadvantage: she knows him better than me.  She warned me he could hesitate and think about getting back with her.  And I know she wouldn’t mind about his return. In fact, she’s not accepting their separation. So, my friend makes a point here.

But every story is different, and I also know long term couples who split and never come back together. Simply because they found happiness and a new equilibrium elsewhere. Those who come back do so because they didn’t find happiness and realized they made a mistake by leaving. We can make mistake like that.

Besides, coming back to your ex doesn’t guarantee you will spend the rest of your life with him/her. “I left him for another man who asked me to follow him to Canada. But after six months there, I felt really alone and I realized I didn’t get along so well with my man. So, I packed my bag and return to my ex. He was relieved I came back to him. But for my part, the feeling wasn’t there anymore. One year after we got back together, we decided to split. This time, we both agree we should call it quits, not because he or I found someone else. We ended it just because it was the end of our story, the end of our journey together” A.,42, said.

“My ex and I got back together once. He had enough of his girlfriend and I was lonely at that time. But when we got back together, I suddenly remembered all of his bad habits and realized he didn’t change at all since we called it quits seven years ago. And I also met someone else, someone I really liked. So, I decided to leave him for good to live my life with the man I love, the one who really makes me happy”P., 40, said.

Like I said, every story is different. Some ex lovers will go back together and stay together on the long run. Some will but won’t make it till the end. Some will never go back together.

When you apply to a competition, and end up second instead of first, this is disappointing. Of  course, this place is better than finishing last of the competition. But yet, you regret you didn’t make it to the top.

When it comes to love, it’s not a competition. Yet, there are situations where we don’t like to finish second or last. Because there’s only one place we want to occupy: the place of our significant other’s heart. And it’s all or nothing. There is no in-between.

So, when the one you love suddenly tells you he just wants to be friend, or tells you he  fell in love with someone else and that she might be the one, it’s difficult not to feel disappointed. This is how you end up with a broken heart.

This is exactly how I feel right now. The man I love asked me to be just his friend. Just his friend.

This is a pill bitter to swallow. And I know that it’s not possible to develop a genuine friendship with him. Not after what we went through. I would be too resentful and frustrated by this. And I know I couldn’t bear seeing him with another woman.

It’s simply not possible to switch from love to friendship just like that. It’s like being downgraded. And here, friendship is something like a small consolation.

One of my friends told me it’s simply impossible to be friends with the one you really love once it’s over.Because somewhere in your heart, it’s never over. And you will always wish he/she has a change of heart.

She’s been in love with the same man for eight years now. And she told me she tried everything to forget about him. But she simply can’t. She dated other men, cut all contacts with him several times, tried to make him jealous, tried to be just friend with him. But it never worked. “I simply can’t get him out of my mind. I think he’s the one” she said.  But the one she loves is just simply too afraid to commit to her. Yet, he can’t let her go.

She said she can’t be just friend with him. That’s impossible.

Friends come and go in our life. Only the true ones stay over the long run by our side.

When we end up a relationship, especially a long term one, not only, we lose the one we used to love, but also his/her personal friends, and friends of the couple. This is the part of the break up.

There are some exceptions. But generally, this is the case. Especially if the break up was really bad. If you left your ex for someone else or he/she did that to you, or left because he/she cheated on you, there’s little chance you will remain friend with his/her friends afterwards. And there’s little chance he/she remain friend with yours too.

Personally, I wouldn’t appreciate if my true friends started to see my ex after the breakup. I would consider this as a betrayal. But also, this would be completely awkward.

“After the breakup, one of his friends started to call me often, and asked me if I would accept having a coffee with him sometime. His mate left me for another woman. I was devastated. I didn’t expect his friend to come up as a shoulder to cry on afterwards. He apologized to what his friend did to me. And started to say negative things about his friend. But I wasn’t interested at all” T, 40, said.

“They picked me as their kid’s godfather. When they broke up because he left for someone else, she said she needed to talk to me about what went wrong. She was so desperate I couldn’t refuse. I feared she would commit suicide. So, I invited her several times to lunch, only if she asked for it. But she wasn’t my friend at first. I was friend with him. Oddly, I didn’t have that many contacts with him afterwards” L., 42, said.

Besides, when the breakup is really bad, it’s a comforting thought to have friends who care about you and who help you to get over it. And these friends can eventually stay longer in your life than your different lovers.

For instance, I have two friends I know since kindergarden. And they probably know more about me than any of the men who shared my life so far. I also know more about my friends than the men who shared their life too.