Category Archives: men

celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why aren’t you married?

EMMA WATSON DEC19Recently, one of my coworkers told me she was shocked by what her therapist said to her.”You cannot grow old alone” her therapist told her, because my coworker told her she was happy to be single.

While it’s true that you’re better off alone than in bad company, being single over a long period can be difficult too. But I guess it depends on your personality.  Among writers, Louisa May Alcott, the novelist behind “Little women”, was never married. It’s an exception.

Among the people I know, there are also unmarried people who live with their significant other. They have never got married despite a long time together. One of my friends has been with the same man for over 23 years now. They have never got married, even if they have a child together. Another friend of mine isn’t married to his significant other, who is expecting their first child. He’s convinced marriage is a question of tax, as this taxation encourages married couple over those who are not married.

There are some people who are not married and not in a relationship. But they were previously in a relationship that turned sour in the end. One of my friends left her abusive ex and hasn’t found any stable relationship since then. Another one has been in several long-term relationships, over 2 years, but has never settles so far. They are both in a transition period of celibacy.

Some people are also single because they are in a relationship with someone who isn’t available. Either because they are married to another person, or are just not interested in a serious relationship.

My coworker didn’t say if she was just single, or in transition period of celibacy.

There is also a pride about being single nowadays, especially for women. Some celebrities like Emma Watson are proud to be “self-partnered” .

The hashtag #selfpartnered is also gaining popularity on social medias like instagram.

It’s a trend among millenials. I guess when you’re young, you don’t want to ruin all the possibilities you have.

My coworker is also a millenial. Maybe that’s why she was shocked by her therapist.

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Living apart together (LAT)

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Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Brad Falchuk, don’t live together all of the time. She said they live apart three days per week, and together four days per week. Kaley Cuoco and her husband,  Karl Cook, don’ t live together every single day. But they plan to move together once their house is built. I also read Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband plan to move together.

One of my friends, who’s single, says he doesn’t want to live with his significant other all of the time. Because he needs some space.  His cousin doesn’t live with her husband every single day, because he has an apartment in a town where he’s a professor during the week. He only lives with her during the weekends and during his holidays. So far, their marriage is strong. They’ve been married for 20 years now. They are living apart together.

There are many reasons why we don’t live all of the time with our spouse/significant other. In my country, the law forbids married people to live apart, but in real life, there are married people who don’t live together all of the time. One of my acquaintances works in another country, not very far from our country. But his wife works in our country. So during four days of the week, he lives alone in a little apartment they bought together, while she lives in their house with their three children. One of my coworkers is married to a man who often travels around the world. He’s not always home because of that. Sometimes, he’s away for three weeks.

It takes a lot of trust to live apart from our significant other. Yet, some people find some agreements especially when we fall in love late in our life. Recently, one of my coworkers told me he interviewed one of our former ministers. He was surprised she told him her significant other just lives in the apartment next to hers, on the same floor. “Every one of us needs our space” she said. So, they agree not to live with each other. But they live very near to each other. When my coworker ended his interview, her significant other entered the room and went to the kitchen to have a coffee. “He’s always welcome here, of course” she told him. My coworker, who’s married, admits he doesn’t understand this.

Does distance (some of it) keep the flame of love alive? There’s always the risk to grow apart from our significant other.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

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life, love, men, relationships

Losers of love

I finished reading “Eros Capital. Climats” by the philosopher and politician François de Smet. In his book, he describes the evolution of relationship between men and women,  focusing on heterosexual relationships. He says men had for centuries power and wealth. The trends is only changing nowadays. But because of that, women married for economic reasons. Because without a husband, they could not survive. Or survived as a prostitute. Which is not very appreciated in our society. The goal for women at that time was to get married.

The author reminds that today, women are independent because they have an access to work. Because of that, divorces are on the rise. Yet, in this society, there are people who are excluded from the love market. Poor men are excluded, and old women too, no matter if they’re rich or poor, according to him.”You wouldn’t find any medicine student in incel groups” he says, referring to men who gather online to trash women because they don’t have success with them. It reminds me of the ligue of lol, in France, who harassed online mainly female journalists, bloggers, or artists. I read some of the members of this Facebook group were rejected by one of their victims. It screams revenge.

In this society, it’s better to be rich if you’re a man, and beautiful and young, if you’re a woman. Every jar doesn’t have its lid, according to him. That’s why there’s a pressure for women to be beautiful, and to spend a lot of money on their beauty. There’s no guarantee now your marriage will last forever. Because love doesn’t last long, according to him. Maximum 3 years. Enough to get pregnant and to secure your kid a future, according to him.

Yes, his book is very depressing.

I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re single and not young. Especially now, with Valentine’s Day in two days.

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life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Different needs?

Getting your ex back

Recently, a scandal broke in France about some male journalists who created a Facebook group to mock bloggers, artists, journalists,… Especially female ones. Immediately, some articles about how some male journalists created a group on Slack called the Darrons or #radioBièreFoot. Those groups were just awful with female, especially young ones, journalists.

But it just says collaboration between male and female coworkers is still difficult nowadays. Before World War II, women were not a force in companies. They were most of the time housewives, who depended on their husband. My grandmothers were housewives. They raised my uncles, aunts, mother and father while taking care of the house. But no one of my aunts or mother is a housewife. They were or are still working for a hospital, a bank, a school. No one complained how difficult it was to work, but my mother, for example, was working with other women in her team. Even her boss was female. The same goes for my aunts.

It’s not my case. Even if during my college years, there were more women than men studying with me, in my professional career, I’m still a minority. As my profession is mostly a male one.

When I started to work, there was a scandal in my company about a guy who used to go to Thailand and Morocco and proposed BDSM, golden shower, and other joys, to women while promising them to marry them. Of course, he never married, but he collected pictures of his trophies, and shared it with his coworkers. It ended because one of the brothers of one of his victims recognized him and sued him. My coworker was fired because of that. But his male coworkers were not shocked by his attitude. They just found it funny.  Female employees in my company were just “stupid”, “desperate”, … Not very respected. Fortunately, some of those who were disrespectful either left or were let go and were replaced either by women or men who are respectful to everybody. There were just left two guys who flirted openly with the young female coworkers. During our office parties, one of them screamed he wanted to fuck X or Y, much to our dismay, and to the stupefaction of X or Y. Luckily, after many complaints to our HR, he was let go. The other one left us because he wanted to pursue other goals.

There are still tensions between opposite sex. Because we pursue different goals.  Women in general want equality, while men want to conquer. It ‘s difficult because of this.

 

 

 

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love at work

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Recently, one of my friends told me she was shocked her boss has left his wife to start a relationship with one of his assistants. “It gives our company a bad publicity” she says. Unfortunately for her, work relationships are very common. A recent survey by Careerbuilder said that 36% of people admit they already had a relationship with one coworker, and 22% with their boss That doesn’t mean these are well accepted. In some companies, it is forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker. People can get fired for that. But it’s not the case everywhere. It depends on the policy of the company.

In my company, there are no rules. My boss is in a relationship with our head of marketing . They publicly revealed their relationship last year, during our office party, where they were kissing each other and holding hands, to much of our dismay. It just shocked some of my female coworkers, who remembered that the previous year, our boss was accompanied by his then-wife. Some of my coworkers are also together. At our last office party,  our photography director appeared inseparable from a tall blonde who works as a secretary for our boss.

In some companies, people are asked to sign a love contract when they are hired, in which they commit to reveal their possible future union(s). This kind of transparency can be damageable because depending of the policy of the company, you can be fired or asked to work for another department. No one wants to see intimacy at work. And also, it can spark jealousy if you are in a relationship with your boss, because people will suspect you have an advantage over your coworkers.

But I can’t understand why is it forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker, because with the evolution of the society, women are more and more gaining their independence, as they work, and are not a housewife most of the time. As a friend says, you spend most of your time at work, where temptations are high.

But there’s also a reason why it is forbidden to have a relationship at work: harassment. Company that forbids work relationship try to avoid situation where those who have power over a team abuse their power. Luckily for me, in my company, my boss and superiors never use their power to destroy my career because I refuse their advances. They never made any unwanted proposals to me.  Some companies want to avoid this because it’s easier to prevent that to have a problem with harassment, as there’s a law in my country against it.

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celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The best out of ten

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Is it possible to find your soul mate based on math? I read a post about it, and I’m not very convinced.

How it works is basically you take the number people that you think you could go on dates with in your lifetime and so, let’s say 100. And mathematicians say take the square root that number, so that would be 10, and then you go on dates with those 10 people and afterward you tell them all, “No thanks.” But you remember out of those 10 which one was the best person that you met?

Then keep going on more dates and the minute you find someone who is better than that best person out of the 10, that person is the closest thing mathematically to finding your soul mate.

Basically, you have to remind who was the best date you had  out of 10 people who turned you down, and find someone (who won’t turn you down) who’s better than that person. What happens if you never find that person? Of if that person want to end the relationship after just one month?

Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee your “best person” is available to you. And basing you strategy to find that “best person” on a date which wasn’t for you isn’t a good idea, no matter how that person was awesome.

Do you remind your best date out of the 10 people who told you “no thanks”? Personally, I don’t, since I want to forget any of my bad dates. It would be difficult to find someone who is better than that.

And you can be a serial date if you search for the best person.

And  the feeling  that’s it all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

There’s no rule to find your soul mate. The best advice  I guess it’s to find someone who treat you with respect mutually.

 

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celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The danger of Tinder

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This week, a TV reporter made a video about her experience with Tinder. During the two months she was registered, she met two men who were very disrespectful with her. One used a model photo he found on google images for his profile. He arrived at their date two hours late, with a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He told her not to be stressed. And proposed to her to go to his place. The other one was very odd at the start, sending her sexual messages on their first contact. She reluctantly met him at a bar. He wanted to go to her place. And said it’s like that with Tinder. At the end of the conversation, he asked her if she wanted to touch her when she goes home. And sends her a pick of his dick.

Unfortunately, there are weirdos on Tinder. But one alarm should ring immediately if you see a photo of a man who looks like a model, if he matches with you. Even if you’re a model yourself, you should be extra careful with the picture. People lie easily on internet. When it seems too good to be true, it’s not true. It’s not a good idea to swipe right on a profile with pictures of his bare chest. Unless you only want to have sex, at your own risk.  It’s not a good idea to accept a drink right away after just two exchanges.  If he offers you to exchange phone numbers, accept. Because you will have access to his real name, and to his Facebook profile, Linkedin profile, … Especially if he has a public profile on Facebook. What he posts on Facebook is very revealing of his personality.  If he jokes on women on his profile, there are chances he will be horrible with you. It’s not a good idea to invite a total stranger to your place, or to meet a total stranger at his place for the first time. I’ve heard countless stories of women who found her date touching himself when they went to his place, or who were just watching porn.

Whitney Wolfe, the co founder of Tinder, and the CEO of Bumble, advises people to put several pictures of themselves (and not mirror selfies, group pictures, picture with a woman). Because it helps to tell who you are. I tend to swipe right men who put several pictures of themselves and a little bio. It’s a sign they’re not  looking just for a one night stand.

There are people who are looking for a serious relationship on Tinder. It’s just a way to meet people. Unfortunately, there are impostors, crooks, womanizers, sociopaths on Tinder as well.

Even if it’s Tinder, you should take you time. Time is your friend to know more about a total stranger. I still discover new things about the man I met on Tinder two years ago, and who has become a good friend of mine.

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The unlikely seducers

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In the movie “Wild life”, Jeanette, the lead female character, finds herself in an affair with a much older man than her husband. Her lover isn’t handsome, but he’s rich, and full of promises. The film doesn’t show who made the first move, but it’s understood that he was the one to pursue Jeanette.

It takes two to tango. Jeanette could refuse his advances. But she’s seduced by him. But why does she choose him? In an interview, Carey Mulligan explains Jeanette is angry.  She’s angry because her family has moved 8 times, as her husband can’t find a good job. She’s angry because all of sudden, her husband decides to leave for a dangerous job. She feels her world is collapsing.

In theory,  a seducer should be a handsome man. But it’s not always the case. The word “handsome” doesn’t pop into my mind when I see one of my ex-coworkers, who tried to seduce every female journalist in my newsroom. He didn’t score with everyone, but he managed to seduce two of my female coworkers. The guy has a long list of contacts, who could introduce him to the greatest exhibitions, cocktail parties, concerts… in my country. He’s also very charming with women in general. He can’t help giving compliments to a woman during a simple conversation.

Another one in my newsroom just preys on the young one who are just recruited in my company. Usually, the young recruit doesn’t know anyone in the company yet, and is relieved to have someone to talk to at the coffee machine or at the cafeteria. At least, at the very beginning.

Michel Houellebecq, in “Particules élementaires”, writes men who used to be bullier when they were younger have easier than other men to seduce beautiful women, as they have understood how to seduce them. He doesn’t say if those women felt weak, but in his book, the bullier ends up with a beautiful but fragile orphan woman.

Of course, it helps if the man is handsome. But there are handsome men who are not at ease with women in general. And not that charming. In my newsroom, one of our photographers is a very handsome man. But he’s shy and doesn’t hit on the female workers.  As women don’t like when it’s too easy,  they are numerous in my company who offer him to have a lunch with them.  Sometimes, he just likes to eat on his own, reading his magazine.

 

 

 

 

 

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In love with your male friend

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Friendship between opposite sex is often difficult, because of the sexual tension. Even if you’re both gay, it’s complicated. One of my female friends, who is lesbian, told me she’s attracted to one of her male friends, who is gay. There’s always a grey line. My friend even flirts with him in front of her significant other and his other one during parties. Usually, it turns into a fight with her significant other who is jealous. And it’s worse when my friend is drunk.  When she drinks to much, and her male friend too, they can’t help to touch each other. Her significant other is so pissed she starts to cry and leave. My friend is often sorry for that, and apologizes all of the time. Her male friend has also difficulties to keep any relationship because of her.

I asks her if she would consider dating her male friend. But my friend replies she can’t because he’s not interested. “I just feel he doesn’t love me like I do” she told me. She never told him she loves him. Because she also loves her significant, and doesn’t want to lose her.

It’s possible to fall in love with two different people, but not at the same time. My friend met her significant other at her gym class seven years ago, while she met her male friend two years ago, in a bar. He was the bartender.

But how do you know you’re in love with your male friend? Usually, if you can’t help talking about him/her to your friends, family, etc, it’s a good indication. If you feel jealous when your male friend likes pictures of other women, or talk to other women, it’s also a sign. But the opposite can also be true, because your male friend can also feel in love with you. A good sign is his jealousy, especially when you date other men. He won’t find any of your dates worth for you.

And the feeling doesn’t disappear if you have an other significant other.

 

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