An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me .. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost?� God listened very patiently and kindly. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.� To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.� But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam. �The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!� and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!�

When I was at the store the other day, I parked in a disabled space and a bystander shouted to me,

“Hey, what’s your disability, man?”

I said, “Tourettes, you a**hole, get f***ed!!!”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer – you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender’s neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything – but the guy won’t die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret —

“What is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies our friend.

(here it comes) Continue reading Auuuggghhhhh! →

A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, “Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am I’m blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it’s $20.” She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”

Hi, my name is Jim, and I am a recovering thinker…

It started out innocently enough; I began thinking at parties now and then to loosen up.

Inevitably though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone, “…to relax…” I told myself, but I knew it wasn’t true.

Thinking became more and more important, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I even thought on the job.

I knew thinking and employment didn’t mix, but I couldn’t stop.

I began avoiding friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I returned to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What exactly are we doing here?”

Things weren’t great at home either.

One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life; she spent the night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in and said, “Jim, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking is a real problem.

If you don’t stop thinking on the job, I’ll have to let you go.”

This gave me a lot to think about.

I went home early after my conversation with the boss.

“Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce.”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“Yes it’s serious,” her lower lip quivering. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled and stomped out the door.
I headed to the library in the mood for Nietzsche, roared into the parking lot, and ran up to the big glass doors … they didn’t open.

The library was closed. To this day I believe the higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. The words “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life” stood out in large letters.

You may recognize the line; it comes from the standard issue “Thinkers Anonymous” poster.

Today, I am a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job and things are a lot better at home.

Life just got easier, somehow, once I stopped thinking.

Soon, I’ll be able to vote Liberal again.

There was this cruise ship. The entertainment consisted of all the usual old tosh. Singers, dancers, a band and, newly hired, a magician.

The magician, wanting to be close to his audience so that he could astound them with his sleight of hand, asked to be allowed to perform in the bar area.

First evening, he begins his performance, causing jugs of milk to disappear, flowers to appear from thin air, watches to be smashed and reappear whole again, etc, etc. The audience is astounded by his professionalism.

This continues for about 2 or 3 days and then, on the 4th day he gets a surprise. In the bar, there’s a parrot, probably an African Gray, sitting in a cage and it’s been watching the act, closely, every night.

As he’s doing a particularly good card trick, the parrot squawks “It’s up his sleeve”. The audience titters, the magician smiles.

Then he does the trick with the broken watch, the parrot squawks “It’s in his pocket”.

Then he does a trick with paper flowers, “They’re under his jacket” says Polly.

The audience thinks this is all part of the act and roar with laughter. The magician, professional and devoted to his art as he is, loathes the parrot, smiling through gritted teeth.

This goes on, every night, and the magician is getting desperate.

One evening, during his act, the ship is gently cruising along, when it gets hit by a gigantic oil tanker, under the flag of a well-known oil company, captained by a drunk. The cruise ship is sliced in two and sinks like two bricks.

Next morning, as the dawn breaks, the magician comes to and finds himself lying on a large piece of the deck with the sea lapping around him. Gingerly, he sits up and looks around, scanning the sea and the horizon and sees – nothing, not a boat not a soul. Continuing to look around he suddenly realises that he’s not alone on this remnant of decking. On the other side sits – the parrot.

Hours pass, the two of them just sitting and staring at one another.
Day turns to night and then day again.

Suddenly, the parrot squawks “All right, I give up, what have you done with the f##king* ship”.