It’s a beautiful morning in southwest Louisiana. The skies are clear and the temperature was in the mid sixties when I walked out to get the paper. It’s headed for the mid-eighties. I will go out this afternoon and work on Li’l Dumplin’. I got her raised yesterday. She’s a mess. I have to get some debris cleaned up so the Coast Guard will be happy. Dumplin’s future is still murky. A rebuilt engine to replace the one that spend a week under water is multiple kilobucks.
The morning paper brings us birth announcements from tow local hospitals. One is the big one that gets the majority of the “I ain’t been havin’ a period an’ I been gainin’ weight an’ now I gots dese cramps” crowd. From August 15 to September 19 we get 88 births, 52 of them to parents who hadn’t done that “let’s make it official” thing, and ten of the new mommies are still wrestling with that question about exactly who the baby daddy is.
We’ll lead off with a few folks who thought their baby needed more than the standard two given names:
Dale & Nickie A. bring us their new baby girl, little Caoimhe (!) Evelyn Lily. I’m sure that the first name has some tremendously profound meaning in, oh, maybe Gaelic. Ain’t nobody Gaelic around here so it looks just plain pretentious.
Shaun & Megan T. bring their baby giel, little Amley Kieran Sharrie. Amley? Contrived. Kieran? Tryndeigh. Sharrie? I cain’t freakin’ spell…
Cynthia P. & Xavier S. tag a son with Xavier Jud Wayne Jr. That means, of course, that daddy’s parents were goofy too, making this an example of intergenerational repetitive stupidity.
Debra R. & Robert S. tag their baby girl with Kaylee Shay Lynn.
Next we’ll look at people wh say “I like that name but it won’t be so common if we spell it different to show we’re people of quality.”
Megan K. & Thomas W. bring a son, little Alexander Kannon. They use a “K” so you won’t mistake him for a piece of artillery.
Timothy & Elizabeth D. name their baby girl Matilyn Leigh. What was so wrong with “Madilyn”?
Ricardo & Shakeesha G. name their son Jordin John. If only there were some old book that would give them a spelling accepted for centuries to help them out. And if your momma is named “Shakeesha” you don’t stand a chance anyway.
Nina V. & Kevin S. have a new son, little Kameron Dawayne. The “K” so he wouldn’t be associated with a small southwest Louisiana town wrecked twice in three years by hurricanes, and “Dawayne” because they thought that “Dwayne” might be confusing to pronounce.
Next we get a herd of names that make you ask questions like “Where’d you find THAT?” or “Why didn’t you wait until the anesthesia wore off before you chose a name?” or “Are you sh*tting me?”
Miss Kayla M. presents her little girl Amari Faith. “Faith”? Like what’d get you to church where they teach you about fornicating and getting pregnant and not know who the baby daddy is?
Kenired & Dajuana A. loved that Sesame Street expose’ of the letter “J” so they tag their son with Jaundre Jujuan.
We have a pairing here: On Aug. 23 Andrew & Amanda G. had a daughter, little Abriele Raine. On August 29 Miss Shawna G. had a daughter too, little Journei Rayne. Both of them used either a weather phenomena or the name of a small town in Louisiana, but each spelled it in her own particular way. “Journei”? I guess that means the trip Miss Shawna’s gonna have to take to find the missing name for the baby daddy.
Brittney M. & Geoffrey P. have a new son, Carson Even. Not “Evan”. Even.
Ebony B. and Kraylon C. perpetuate the “Let’s name our kid after synthetic fabrics” thing with their son Traylon Lavell.
Mary L. and Tyrone B. have a son, Malachi (a good biblical name) Dejuan (pure fabrication).
Miss Kassie M. presents her new daughter, Jaylyn Janae. There’s that letter “J” thing again. And “Why you cryin’, Momma?” “Dey be jailin’ Janae today.”
Another pairing. Same hospital. On Sept. 8 Taylor M. & Justin B. had little son Kanaan Harper. A day later Jacob & Rachel D. had a son, little Canaan James.
Jessica L. & Curtis W. presents her daughter, little Mela Lashay.
I’ hoping this is a typo and not a new trend. I transcribed it exactly as it was printed: Britney G. & Chase H. bring their little girl, CassideeKayt. No spaces. It would have been bad enough WITH the space, but if it’s really that way, we have a little kid with a 13-letter name. Write THAT in crayon.
Fairlyn J. & Brandon B. have a new son/ canvas for their creativity: Brandel Joshuiah. Yes, bucky, that name was spelled “Joshua” for centuries, but these ‘artists’ knew they could improve it.
Ebonie L. & timothy K. have a new son, little Tejon Jamaal.
Yet another pairing: Miss Megan G. hasa son, little Michael Blaze on Sept. 16 in one hospital. On the same day in another hospital Lakeshia L. & Courtney G. also have a son, Tristian Blaize. Two little boys names after a famous stripper. Cute.
Samantha M. & Timothy B. tag their new daughter with Kamea Noelle.
Miss Brandy S. was watching TV reruns and tagged her son with Landon Michael. Good thing it wasn’t old Bonanza shows because we’d be seeing Greene Lorne and Blocker Dan.
Mr. & Mrs. Philip C. get tryndee with their new daughter Anslea Renee.
Saving the fun for last, we look at the fold who just need to get out of the box provided by twenty-six letters of the alphabet, so they start into punctuation:
Miss Michelle C. has a new little girl, Kiara’yana Kichelle. She seems to have failed to mention the daddy’s name.
Rochelle R. & Justin P. show their baby boy, little Brae’Lynn Jamar.
Bryan & Kim S. present their new daughter Mia’ Breon.
Kedra L. & Dedrick L. (different “L”) bring a little girl, D’Aira K’eyona.
Miss Angela M. brings her baby girl, little Marlie Monet’
Jessica H. & Corey M. tag their baby girl with Ja’Lissa Na’Shay.
And I guess the “Name of the Week” this week will be Kiara’yana Kichelle. See you next week.