1520 – The Spaniards are expelled from Tenochtitlan. White European interlopers were trying to interfere in the indigenous peoples’ quaint custom of splitting open the chests of living victims and waving the still-beating hearts to heathen gods. I find it curious that “Aztlan” proponents affect the trappings of this same ethos today.

1886 – The first transcontinental train trip across Canada departs from Montreal. It arrives in Port Moody, British Columbia on July 4. People get off the train, look around, and say “Dammit! STILL in Canada!”

1908 – The Tunguska Event occurs in Siberia. We still aren’t sure what it was, but it was definitely an event.

1934 – The Night of the Long Knives, Adolf Hitler’s violent purge of his political rivals in Germany, takes place. People with opposing viewpoints died, just like Vince Foster.

1950 – I was born.

1953 – The first Chevrolet Corvette rolls off the assembly line in Flint, Michigan, is bought by a newly-divorced bald guy who badly needs to compensate for something.

1960 – Congo gains independence from Belgium. Freed of the interference of the white European interlopers and fueled by its rich natural resources, tribal harmony is restored and the region becomes a beacon of peace and tranquility known for its fairness and cultural richness. Right?!?!?

1966 – The National Association of Gals (NAG) National Organization for Women (NOW), the United States’ largest feminist organization, is founded.

1971 – Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, thereby putting the amendment into effect. “Dude, I’m, like, votin’ fer him ‘cuz he’s, like, all cool, ‘cuz I seen him on MTV.”

1990 – East Germany and West Germany merge their economies. As in “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down THIS wall!”

1613 – The original Globe Theatre in London burned to the ground after a cannon employed for special effects misfired during a performance of William Shakespeare’s Henry VIII and ignited the theatre’s roof. Sure! Blame the pyro guy. According to one of the few surviving documents of the event, no one was hurt except a man whose burning breeches were put out with a bottle of ale. Yeah, in its day, Shakespeare was “must-see TV”, the entertainment of the masses.

1922 – France grants 1 km² at Vimy Ridge “freely, and for all time, to the Government of Canada, the free use of the land exempt from all taxes”. Can you imagine how much foreign blood has been spilled in France over that last hundred years just so they don’t have to speak German?

1956 – The Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 is signed, officially creating the United States Interstate Highway System.

1894 – Labor Day becomes an official US holiday. Naturally we celebrate “labor” by taking the day off.

1902 – The U.S. Congress passes the Spooner Act, authorizing President Theodore Roosevelt to acquire rights from Colombia for the Panama Canal, enabling Jimmy “I never met a murdering dictator I didn’t like” Carter could give it away later.

1914 – Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria and his wife Sophie are assassinated in Sarajevo by young Serbian nationalist Gavrilo Princip, the casus belli of World War I.

1919 – The Treaty of Versailles is signed in Paris, formally ending World War I between Belgium, Britain, France, Italy, the United States and allies on the one side and Germany and Austria-Hungary on the other side. The terms of the document, mainly due to French demands, place such an onerous burden on German that the foundations of WW II are laid. Twenty-one years later Hitler “let” France sign the surrender to Germany. In the delicate terms of international diplomacy, this is called “rubbing their noses in it.”

1950 – Seoul is captured by troops from North Korea.

1965 – First US ground combat forces in Vietnam authorized by President Johnson . Ain’t nothing like a dimmocrat president playing with the military… MC note: “Wow, man… like deja vu…”

1898 – The first solo circumnavigation of the globe is completed by Joshua Slocum from Briar Island, Nova Scotia, in his 36+ foot converted oyster sloop, Spray, thereby feeding the dreams of sailors and wanna-be sailors ever after…

1905 – (June 14 according to the Julian calendar): Battleship Potemkin uprising: sailors start a mutiny aboard the Battleship Potemkin, denouncing the crimes of autocracy, demanding liberty and an end to war. “an end to war”? You’re serving on a BATTLESHIP. What do you think it’s for? Fishing?

1915 – Temperatures of 100 degrees F (38C) recorded at Fort Yukon, Alaska, a state record. Da*n those SUV’s!

1923 – Capt. Lowell H. Smith and Lt. John P. Richter perform the first ever aerial refueling in a DH-4B biplane.

1950 – The United States decides to send troops to fight in the Korean War. Can’t have commies just arbitrarily running the place, that is until they can fool half the country into electing them…

1957 – Hurricane Audrey kills 500 people in Louisiana and Texas. The number of deaths is an arbitrary figure. I was almost seven. Dad worked the night at the refinery, straight through the storm. Our next hurricane worthy of the name wouldn’t come until 2005 when Rita showed up.

1967 – The world’s first ATM is installed in Enfield, London. Second customer waits ten minutes while the first customer, a woman, rifles through her purse looking for her card, then tries to find her PIN written on the back of a scrap of paper.

1985 – U.S. Route 66 ceases to be an official U.S. highway, killed by the Interstate. Traveling the old US Highway routes is a trip into Americana that you miss from the interstates.

1986 – The International Court of Justice finds against the United States in its judgement in Nicaragua v. United States, mainly because the ICJ is an arm of the UN, composed of a majority of people that only WISH their sh*thole nations amounted to a pimple on America’s a*s.

1284 – The legendary Pied Piper leads 130 children out of Hamelin, Germany. Michael Jackson says “Wow! I can use music to get me little kids?!?!”

1917 – The first U.S. troops arrive in France to fight alongside Britain, France, Italy, and Russia against Germany, and Austria-Hungary in World War I. British and French generals start drooling over fresh meat. General Pershing says “no way! We see how you take care of your men…” After receiving a lesson on battlefield tactics by a British officer, one American officer thanked him, and then told the Americans, “We appreciate the gentleman’s information, but remember, THEY’VE been using these tactics for four years and it hasn’t done ‘em much good.”

1918 – World War I, Western Front: Battle for Belleau Wood – Allied Forces under John J. Pershing and James Harbord defeat Imperial German Forces under Wilhelm, German Crown Prince. Marines come off with the nickname “Devil Dogs” and my old Second Infantry Division gets a battle streamer.

1945 – The United Nations Charter is signed in San Francisco. Hmmmm! UN starts in San Francisco. That explains a lot…

1948 – The Western allies begin an airlift to Berlin after the Soviet Union blockades West Berlin.

1948 – William Shockley filed the original patent for the grown junction transistor, the first bipolar junction transistor.

1960 – British Somaliland (now Somalia) gains independence from Britain. Once rid of the white European colonialist interlopers, the nation goes on to become a bastion of peace and plenty. It didn’t? Oh, come on!

1963 – John F. Kennedy speaks the famous words “Ich bin ein Berliner” on a visit to West Berlin. In vernacular German, this translates to “I am a doughnut.”

1974 – The Universal Product Code (bar code) is scanned for the first time to sell a package of Wrigley’s chewing gum at the Marsh Supermarket in Troy, Ohio.

1993 – The U.S. launches a missile attack targeting Baghdad intelligence headquarters in retaliation for a thwarted assassination attempt against former President George H.W. Bush in April in Kuwait. This wasn’t part of Clinton’s “Missiles for Monica” program. That came later.