1669 – Citing poor eyesight, Samuel Pepys records the last event in his diary.

1678 – The Godiva procession through Coventry begins. Now there’s a tax protest.

1795 – French Revolution: The Revolutionary Tribunal is suppressed. It’s been motive to 42,000 executions as France achieves Liberte’, egalite, fraternite’.

1884 – Dr. John Harvey Kellogg patents “flaked cereal”

1889 – Johnstown Flood: Over 2,200 people die after a dam break sends a 60-foot (18-meter) wall of water over the town of Johnstown, Pennsylvania. FEMA slow to respond. Bush widely blamed.

1909 – The National Negro Committee, forerunner to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), convenes for the first time. There’s money to be made in racism, and they’ll keep it going as long as they can.

1911 – R.M.S. Titanic’s hull is launched. This will end well.

1916 – World War I: Battle of Jutland – The British Grand Fleet under the command of Sir John Jellicoe &Sir David Beatty engage the Kaiserliche Marine under the command of Reinhard Scheer & Franz von Hipper in the largest naval battle of the war, which proves indecisive.

1927 – The last Ford Model T rolls off the assembly line after a production run of 15,007,003 vehicles. The VW Beetle (Type 111)finally beat that production number, topping out at 21,529,464. 15,444,858 of them were built in Germany.

1961 – The South African Constitution of 1961 becomes effective. In another ten years they’ll have to hire an outside consultant to read the next one to them.

1539 – In Florida, Hernando de Soto lands at Tampa Bay with 600 soldiers with the goal of finding gold, gets run over by an 83-year-old retiree from Brooklyn who’s driving a full sized Lincoln with a seatbelt hanging out the door and a left turn signal that’s been blinking for the last fifteen miles.

1783 – Benjamin Tower of Philadelphia publishes first daily newspaper in US.

1806 – Future U.S. President Andrew Jackson kills Charles Dickinson in a duel. Not to be outdone, future president Barry Setoro whacked a buddy with a bong. Or some other long, cylindrical inanimate object. Reports vary.

1848 – Mexico ratifies treaty giving the United States most of New Mexico, all of California, parts of Nevada, Utah, Arizona, and Colorado in return for $15 million. We paid for it.

1868 – Decoration Day (the predecessor of the modern “Memorial Day”) is observed in the United States for the first time (By “Commander-in-chief of the Grand Army of the Republic” John A. Logan’s proclamation on May 5)when two women in Columbus Mississippi placed flowers on both Confederate & Union graves.

1896 – First recorded car accident occurs as Henry Wells hit a bicyclist in New York City. Three lawyers are injured in a scuffle over who gives the victim a business card first.

1911 – At the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the first Indianapolis 500ends with Ray Harroun in his Marmon Wasp becoming the first winner of the 500-mile auto race. Pedal. Brake. Turn left. Repeat. Grab trophy. Kiss babe. Drink milk. Tradition.

1937 – Memorial Day massacre: Chicago police shoot and kill 10 labor demonstrators. Now they’re just as likely to BE the labor demonstrators.

1958 – Memorial Day: the remains of two unidentified American servicemen, killed in action during World War II and the Korean War respectively, are buried at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery.

1968 – Charles De Gaulle reappears publicly after his flight to Baden-Baden, Germany, and dissolves the French National Assembly by a radio appeal. Immediately after, less than one million of his supporters march on the Champs-Élysées in Paris. This is the turning point of May 1968 in France. Even De Gaulle knows that the easiest way to get something going in France is to start out from Germany.

1971 – 36 hospitalized during Grateful Dead concert after drinking LSD-laced apple juice. Drugs? At a Grateful Dead concert? Shocked, I tell you. Shocked!

1972 – In Tel Aviv members of the Japanese Red Army carry out the Lod Airport Massacre, killing 24 people and injuring 78 others. If you’re gonna make a name for yourself as an international terrorist organization, you gotta do Israel.

1588 – The Spanish Armada, with 130 ships and 30,000 men, sets sail from Lisbon heading for the English Channel. (It will take until May 30 for all ships to leave port). In a big hurry to get a butt-kicking…

1754 – French and Indian War: In the first engagement of the war, Virginia militia under 22-year-old Lieutenant Colonel George Washington defeat a French reconnaissance party in the Battle of Jumonville Glen in what is now Fayette County in southwestern Pennsylvania.

1863 – American Civil War: the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, the first African American regiment, leaves Boston, Massachusetts, to fight for the Union.

1871 – Fall of the Paris Commune. In a war against the French, the French win!

1905 – Russo-Japanese War: the Battle of Tsushima ends with the destruction of the Russian Baltic Fleet by Admiral Togo Heihachiro and the Imperial Japanese Navy. The Japanese Navy grows fiercely overconfident from this victory, and the overconfidence contributes to their losses in WW II.

1937 – Neville Chamberlain becomes British Prime Minister. The Neville Chamberlain School of Diplomacy is highly regarded by the Left. “Peace in our time”, my a**!

1940 – World War II: Belgium surrenders to Germany to end the Battle of Belgium. In ancient tongues, “Belgium” translates to “Gateway to Paris”.

1942 – World War II: in retaliation for the assassination attempt on Reinhard Heydrich, Nazis in Czechoslovakia kill over 1,800 people.

1964 – The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) is formed, because hating Jews needs a new official letterhead.

1975 – Fifteen West African countries sign the Treaty of Lagos, creating the Economic Community of West African States, publishes lists of the best places to stash off-shore bank accounts filled with ‘foreign aid’ funds, where to buy Mercedes limos and Savile Row suits.

1987 – 19-year-old West German pilot Mathias Rust evades Soviet Union air defenses and lands a private plane (‘stealth’ Cessna 172) in Red Square in Moscow. He is immediately detained and is not released until August 3, 1988. Several high (and low, no doubt) ranking officers are ‘disciplined’ in the Soviet military.

1996 – U.S. President Bill Clinton’s former business partners in the Whitewater land deal, James McDougal and Susan McDougal, and Arkansas Governor Jim Guy Tucker, are convicted of fraud. Bill and Hillary, however, are as pure as the driven snow (or some other four-letter word beginning with “s”)

1998 – Nuclear testing: Pakistan responds to a series of nuclear tests by India with five of its own codenamed Chagai-I, prompting the United States, Japan, and other nations to impose economic sanctions. Pakistan celebrates Youm-e-Takbir annually. This puts atomic bombs in the hands of a Muslim nation with a history of corrupt and shaky governments, so I feel MUCH better.

2002 – NATO declares Russia a limited partner in the Western alliance. Bet you forgot that, huh?

1703 – Tsar Peter the Great founds the city of Saint Petersburg. Then it’s Leningrad. And now it’s Saint Petersburg again. In another five years it’s liable to be Putinopolis.

1919 – Charles Strite patents the pop-up toaster. I still contend that toast from a hot, butter-coated cast iron griddle is superior.

1919 – The US navy NC-4 aircraft arrives in Lisbon after completing the first transatlantic flight. Wasn’t even close to being non-stop, and two sister aircraft, NC-1 and NC-3, didn’t make it.

1927 – The Ford Motor Company ceases manufacture of the Ford Model T and begins to retool plants to make the Ford Model A. Neither of them had BlueTooth.

1935 – New Deal: The Supreme Court of the United States declares the National Industrial Recovery Act to be unconstitutional in A.L.A. Schechter Poultry Corp. v. United States, (295 U.S. 495).

Speaking to aides of Roosevelt, Justice Louis Brandeis remarked that, “This is the end of this business of centralization, and I want you to go back and tell the president that we’re not going to let this government centralize everything.”

Now, the whole point of the federal government is to centralize everything.

1941 – World War II: The German battleship Bismarck is sunk in the North Atlantic killing almost 2,100 men. There is epic sacrifice and bravery on both sides of the battle.

1995 – In Culpeper, Virginia, actor Christopher Reeve is paralyzed from the neck down after falling from his horse in a riding competition, becoming the Left’s favorite vegetable.

1997 – A springtime tornado outbreak in Jarrell, Texas. 27 dead.

1828 – Feral child Kaspar Hauser is discovered wandering the streets of Nuremberg. Today you can tour government-subsidized housing anywhere in American and see packs of feral kids roaming around. Today America’s cities are FULL of ‘children’ who are arguably feral.

1865 – American Civil War: Confederate General Edmund Kirby Smith, commander of the Confederate Trans-Mississippi division, is the last general of the Confederate Army to surrender, at Galveston, Texas.

1879 – Russia and the United Kingdom sign the Treaty of Gandamakestablishing an Afghan state. They should’ve asked the Afghans.

1897 – Dracula, a novel by Irish author Bram Stoker is published.

1908 – At Masjed Soleyman in southwest Persia, the first major commercial oil strike in the Middle East is made. The rights to the resource are quickly acquired by the United Kingdom. Without oil, they’d still be molesting goats and nobody’d care…

1927 – Ford Motor Company manufactures its 15 millionth Model Tautomobile.

1938 – In the United States, the House Un-American Activities Committee begins its first session. With Nancy Pelosi as speakeress, the House IS ‘Un-American’ activities.

1940 – World War II: Battle of Dunkirk – In France, Allied forces begin a massive evacuation from Dunkirk, France. Hitler pulls his punch instead of allowing his army to push the attack forward, and thousands of Allied soldiers escape. Four years later, they’ll come knocking.

1986 – The European Community adopts the European flag. Napoleon tried. NOpe. Hitler tried. Nope. Now, all of a sudden, it’s a good idea…

1521 – The Diet of Worms ends when Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, issues the Edict of Worms, declaring Martin Luther an outlaw. You can’t stuff the toothpaste back into the tube. The Protestant Reformation is under way.

1721 – John Copson becomes America’s first insurance agent. I suppose it had to happen. I mean, we already had LAWYERS and it was still too early for used car salesmen.

1837 – The Patriots of Lower Canada (Quebec) rebel against the British for freedom. Didn’t work out for them…

1895 – Oscar Wilde sentenced to 2 years hard labor for being a “sodomite, having “committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons”. Today he’d appear on six talk shows and a congressional hearing. Hell, being a sodomite is a PLUS on a dimmocrat resume’.

1945 – Arthur C Clark, a science fiction writer, proposes relay satellites in geosynchronous orbit at a time when we couldn’t even get a rocket into low earth orbit.

1953 – First atomic cannon, Atomic Annie, electronically fired at Frenchman Flat, Nevada. Just what we needed – cannon-cockers* with The Bomb.

1961 – Apollo program: U.S. President John F. Kennedy announces before a special joint session of Congress his goal to initiate a project to put a “man on the moon” before the end of the decade. Kennedy was a dimmocrat. Some of his views, if propounded today, though, would put him on the far right wing of the republican party… Today’s dimmocrats can’t even figure out which bathrooms people should use…

1963 – In Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, the Organisation of African Unity is established. Three words, two lies – it’s not ‘organized’ and there’s no ‘unity’. but it’s definitely African, full of ‘statesmen’ parading around in Savile Row suits while their countrymen starve, a similar tactic employed by black dimmocrat politicians here.

1977 – Star Wars is released. It rapidly becomes a cult classic and is the start of a multi-movie franchise. Well, three pretty good movies and several subsequent releases that lived off the coat-tails of the others.

2009 – North Korea allegedly tests its second nuclear device. Following the nuclear test, Pyongyang also conducted several missile tests building tensions in the international community. This is widely regarded as bogus since Bill “Bring on the fat chicks” Clinton negotiated with the NorKs to stop that shit and EVERYBODY knows Bill’s reputation (as a ‘statesman’, among other things) But fear not, Black Jesus  Obama and his supremely capable and qualified Secretary of State Felonia von Pantsuit Hillary Clinton will put a stop to it THIS time.

(* – “cannon-cockers” is a derisive term used in the army to refer to artillerymen)

1607 – 100 English settlers disembark in Jamestown, the first English colony in America.

1830 – Mary Had a Little Lamb by Sarah Josepha Hale is published.

Mary had a little lamb.
She fed it castor oil.
And every time it turned around,
It fertilized the soil.(Or worse… Feel free to add your favorite version in comments…)

1813 – South American independence leader Simón Bolívar enters Mérida, leading the invasion of Venezuela, and is proclaimed El Libertador (“The Liberator”). This august individual, deified by the present despot of Venezuela as somebody to emulate, was described by Karl Marx (Yes, THAT Karl Marx) as a “falsifier, deserter, conspirator, liar, coward and looter”,

1830 – The first revenue trains in the United States begin service on the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad between Baltimore, Maryland and Ellicott’s Mills, Maryland. What? You can make MONEY at this?

1844 – Samuel Morse sends the message “What hath God wrought” (a biblical quotation, Numbers 23:23) from the Old Supreme Court Chamber in the United States Capitol to his assistant, Alfred Vail, in Baltimore, Maryland to inaugurate the first telegraph line. ACLU files suit for violating separation of church and state.

1879 – Birth of H. B. Reese, American inventor of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and founder of H. B. Reese Candy Co. (d. 1956)

1940 – Igor Sikorsky performs the first successful single-rotor helicopter flight. Russian immigrant. America is was where you come to give wings (or rotors) to your dreams.

1941 – World War II: In the Battle of the Atlantic, the German Battleship Bismarck sinks the then pride of the Royal Navy, HMS Hood, killing all but three of 1,418 crewmen.

1980 – The International Court of Justice calls for the release of United States embassy hostages in Tehran, Iran. The hostages would not be freed until the following January. This shows the efficacy of the UN’s greatest tool, the “Sternly Worded Letter”. Oh, and 1981? Ronald Reagan is sworn in. America has a real president. Iran knows the difference.