1520 – The Spaniards have to fight their way out of Tenochtitlan. White European interlopers were trying to interfere in the indigenous peoples’ quaint custom of splitting open the chests of living victims and waving the still-beating hearts to heathen gods. I find it curious that “Aztlan” proponents affect the trappings of this same ethos today.

1886 – The first transcontinental train trip across Canada departs from Montreal. It arrives in Port Moody, British Columbia on July 4. People get off the train, look around, and say “Dammit! STILL in Canada!”

1908 – The Tunguska Event occurs in Siberia. We still aren’t sure what it was, but it was definitely an event.

1934 – The Night of the Long Knives, Adolf Hitler’s violent purge of his political rivals in Germany, takes place. People with opposing viewpoints or dangerous information died, just like Vince Foster.

1936 – Emperor Haile Selassie of Abyssinia appeals for aid to the League of Nations against Italy’s invasion of his country. The League of Nations was as useless then as the United Nations is today.

1950 – In what I consider the single most impactful event of the 20th Century, I was born.

1953 – The first Chevrolet Corvette rolls off the assembly line in Flint, Michigan, is bought by a newly-divorced guy with a bad comb-over who badly needs to compensate for something.

1960 – Belgian Congo gains independence as Republic of the Congo (Léopoldville). Freed of the interference of the white European interlopers and fueled by its rich natural resources, tribal harmony is restored and the region becomes a beacon of peace and tranquility known for its fairness and cultural richness. Right?!?!?

1966 – The National Association of Gals (NAG) National Organization for Women (NOW), the United States’ largest feminist organization, is founded.

1971 – Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, thereby putting the amendment into effect. “Dude, I’m, like, votin’ fer him ‘cuz he’s, like, all cool, ‘cuz I seen him on FaceBook.”

1986 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules in Bowers v. Hardwick that states can outlaw homosexual acts between consenting adults. The Supreme Court is ALWAYS right, huh?

1990 – East Germany and West Germany merge their economies. As in “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down THIS wall!” Economically speaking, though, it’s a bit like a billionaire marrying a bag lady.

1997 – The United Kingdom transfers sovereignty over Hong Kong to the People’s Republic of China. Residents of Hong Kong regret this decision today.

2013 – Protests begin around Egypt against President Mohamed Morsi and the ruling Freedom and Justice Party, leading to their overthrow during the 2013 Egyptian coup d’état. Practically erases Hillary and Barack’s biggest diplomatic move – Arab Spring – in Egypt. That’s okay – they screwed up Libya and Syria bad enough that we’re still seeing the destruction.

1613 – The original Globe Theatre in London burned to the ground after a cannon employed for special effects misfired during a performance of William Shakespeare’s Henry VIII and ignited the theatre’s roof. Sure! Blame the pyro guy. According to one of the few surviving documents of the event, no one was hurt except a man whose burning breeches were put out with a bottle of ale. Yeah, in its day, Shakespeare was “must-see TV”, the entertainment of the masses.

1881 – In Sudan, Muhammad Ahmad declares himself to be the Mahdi, the messianic redeemer of Islam. Causes a bit of heartburn until he’s ‘pacified’ by a newly-formed the British colonial government.

1889 – Hyde Park and several other Illinois townships vote to be annexed by Chicago, forming the largest United States city in area and second largest in population at the time. Under decades of enlightened dimmocrat rule, Chicago is now ‘Chiraq‘, with a few score of shootings and deaths every week.

1922 – France grants 1 km² at Vimy Ridge “freely, and for all time, to the Government of Canada, the free use of the land exempt from all taxes”. Can you imagine how much foreign blood has been spilled in France over that last hundred years just so they don’t have to speak German? I’m sure Arabic will fit them well.

1945 – Carpathian Ruthenia is annexed by the Soviet Union, which is MUCH better than what Hitler was doing, just arbitrarily snatching up countries and oppressing their occupants.

1956 – The Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 is signed, officially creating the United States Interstate Highway System. Many miles of those highways have the sweat of my grandfather, a heavy equipment operator, on them.

1975 – Steve Wozniak tested his first prototype of Apple I computer.

2007 – Apple Inc. releases their first mobile phone, the iPhone. I have an iPhone Xs Max.

2014 – The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant self-declared its caliphate in Syria and northern Iraq and NO country on the planet had the resolve to stop them. Backbone has been rediscovered since then. They meet with success equal to that Mahdi fellow in 1881 when Trump takes office.

1360 – Muhammed VI becomes the tenth Nasrid king of Granada after killing his brother-in-law Ismail II. To this day, this is a common form of regime change in the Muslim world.

1635 – Guadeloupe becomes a French colony. Their motto is “At least we’re not Haiti.”

1894 – Labor Day becomes an official US holiday. Naturally we celebrate “labor” by taking the day off.

1902 – The U.S. Congress passes the Spooner Act, authorizing President Theodore Roosevelt to acquire rights from Colombia for the Panama Canal, enabling Jimmy “I never met a murdering dictator I didn’t like” Carter to give it away later.

1914 – Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria and his wife Sophie are assassinated in Sarajevo by young Serbian nationalist Gavrilo Princip, the casus belli of World War I.

1919 – The Treaty of Versailles is signed in Paris, formally ending World War I between Belgium, Britain, France, Italy, the United States and allies on the one side and Germany and Austria-Hungary on the other side. The terms of the document, mainly due to French demands, place such an onerous burden on German that the foundations of WW II are laid. Twenty-one years later Hitler “let” France sign the surrender to Germany. In the delicate terms of international diplomacy, this is called “rubbing their noses in it.”

1950 – Seoul is captured by troops from North Korea. North Korean Army conducted Seoul National University Hospital Massacre, murdering 900 including doctors, nurses and patients.

1965 – First US ground combat forces in Vietnam authorized by President Johnson . Ain’t nothing like a dimmocrat president playing with the military…

1987 – For the first time in military history, a civilian population is targeted for chemical attack when Iraqi warplanes bombed the Iranian town of Sardasht. But poor ol’ mistreated Saddam didn’t HAVE any WMD’s, okay…

1556 – The thirteen Stratford Martyrs are burned at the stake near London for their Protestant beliefs. This is what comes after ‘You can’t eat at this restaurant.”

1898 – The first solo circumnavigation of the globe is completed by Joshua Slocum from Briar Island, Nova Scotia, in his 36+ foot converted oyster sloop, Spray, thereby feeding the dreams of sailors and wanna-be sailors ever after…

1905 – (June 14 according to the Julian calendar): Battleship Potemkin uprising: sailors start a mutiny aboard the Battleship Potemkin, denouncing the crimes of autocracy, demanding liberty and an end to war. “an end to war”? You’re serving on a BATTLESHIP. What do you think it’s for? Fishing?

1915 – Temperatures of 100 degrees F (38C) recorded at Fort Yukon, Alaska, a state record. Da*n those SUV’s!

1923 – Capt. Lowell H. Smith and Lt. John P. Richter perform the first ever aerial refueling in a DH-4B biplane.

1941 – Romanian governmental forces, allies of Nazi Germany, launch one of the most violent pogroms in Jewish history in the city of Iasi, (Romania), resulting in the murder of at least 13,266 Jews. Like Obama’s IRS, they didn’t need specific orders. They knew what the boss wanted without him having to tell them.

1950 – The United States decides to send troops to fight in the Korean War. Can’t have commies just arbitrarily running the place, that is until they can fool half the country into electing them…

1957 – Hurricane Audrey kills 500 people in Louisiana and Texas. The number of deaths is an arbitrary figure. I was almost seven. Dad worked the night at the refinery, straight through the storm. Grandma’s house, twenty two miles from the Gulf of Mexico, had six feet of water in the yard. Our next hurricane worthy of the name wouldn’t come until 2005 when Rita showed up. Grandma’s house was still there after that one, too.

1967 – The world’s first ATM is installed in Enfield, London. Second customer waits ten minutes while the first customer, a woman, rifles through her purse looking for her card, then tries to find her PIN written on the back of a scrap of paper.

1980 – Italian Aerolinee Itavia Flight 870 mysteriously explodes in mid air while in route from Bologna to Palermo, killing all 81 on board. Also known in Italy as the Ustica disaster. No official cause of the crash is given although there is somewhat credible evidence that the plane was shot down by the French who mistook it for Moammar Gadaffi’s plane.

1981 – The Central Committee of the Communist Party of China issues its “Resolution on Certain Questions in the History of Our Party Since the Founding of the People’s Republic of China”, laying the blame for the Cultural Revolution on Mao Zedong. Somewhere between one and twenty million people died. We’ll never know for sure, but what does it matter? You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

1985 – U.S. Route 66 ceases to be an official U.S. highway, killed by the Interstate. Traveling the old US Highway routes is a trip into Americana that you miss from the interstates.

1986 – The International Court of Justice finds against the United States in its judgement in Nicaragua v. United States, mainly because the ICJ is an arm of the UN, composed of a majority of people that only WISH their sh*thole nations amounted to a pimple on America’s a*s.

2008 – In a highly scrutizined election President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe is re-elected in a landslide after his opponent Morgan Tsvangirai had withdrawn a week earlier, citing violence against his party’s supporters. It hasn’t happened here YET.

1284 – The legendary Pied Piper leads 130 children out of Hamelin, Germany. Michael Jackson says “Wow! I can use music to get me little kids?!?!”

1794 – French Revolutionary Wars: Battle of Fleurus marked the first successful military use of aircraft. “Aircraft’ is a stretch, it’s a balloon, lift coming from hot air, something the French have produced in abundance for the last few centuries.

1843 – Treaty of Nanking comes into effect, Hong Kong Island is ceded to the British “in perpetuity”. Or until the Brits decide to sell Hong Kong out to the Red Chinese…

1848 – End of the June Days Uprising in Paris. The government tries to shut down make-work welfare programs and rioting ensues. 10,000 are killed or injured, 4,000 deported to Algeria, guaranteeing that Algeria will be a mess for the next couple of centuries, at least. Rioting over the end of welfare? Wait for it.

1886 – Henri Moissan isolated elemental Fluorine for the first time. Compared to fluorine, my old friend chlorine is mother’s milk!

1917 – The first U.S. troops arrive in France to fight alongside Britain, France, Italy, and Russia against Germany, and Austria-Hungary in World War I. British and French generals start drooling over fresh meat. General Pershing says “no way! We see how you take care of your men…” After receiving a lesson on battlefield tactics by a British officer, one American officer thanked him, and then told his American troops, “We appreciate the gentleman’s information, but remember, THEY’VE been using these tactics for four years and it hasn’t done ‘em much good.”

1918 – World War I, Western Front: Battle for Belleau Wood – Allied Forces under John J. Pershing and James Harbord defeat Imperial German Forces under Wilhelm, German Crown Prince. Marines come off with the nickname “Devil Dogs” and my old Second Infantry Division (Yes, infantry divisions have tanks) gets a battle streamer.

1942 – The first flight of the Grumman F6F Hellcat. It is the platform that shot down the most enemy aircraft in the war.

1944 – World War II: The Battle of Osuchy in Osuchy, Poland, one of the largest battles between Nazi Germany and Polish resistance forces, ends with the defeat of the latter. The Soviets nearby offered no help as the Germans killed off the types of poles that might have opposed the oncoming Communist ear in Eastern Europe.

1945 – The United Nations Charter is signed in San Francisco. Hmmmm! UN starts in San Francisco. That explains a lot…

1948 – William Shockley filed the original patent for the grown junction transistor, the first bipolar junction transistor.

1953 – Lavrentiy Beria, head of MVD, is arrested by Nikita Khrushchev and other members of the Politburo. he had a tiger, Stalin, by the tail, and when HIS tiger died, other tigers were ready to devour him.

1960 – British Somaliland (now Somalia) gains independence from Britain. Once rid of the yoke of the white European colonialist interlopers, the nation goes on to become a bastion of peace and plenty. It didn’t? Oh, come on! Wait! I know, let’s import a several thousand into Minnesota and let them show us how to do it here!

1963 – John F. Kennedy speaks the famous words “Ich bin ein Berliner” on a visit to West Berlin. In vernacular German, this translates to “I am a doughnut.” Germans cheer wildly because they’re looking at the guy who’s boinking Marilyn Monroe. Obama would’ve gave Berlin to the Soviets and played a round of golf…

1974 – The Universal Product Code (bar code) is scanned for the first time to sell a package of Wrigley’s chewing gum at the Marsh Supermarket in Troy, Ohio.

1993 – The U.S. launches a missile attack targeting Baghdad intelligence headquarters in retaliation for a thwarted assassination attempt against former President George H.W. Bush in April in Kuwait. This wasn’t part of Clinton’s “Missiles for Monica” program. That came later.

1995 – Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani deposes his father Khalifa bin Hamad Al Thani, the Emir of Qatar, in a bloodless coup d’état. There’s only ONE true democracy in the Middle East, and it’s Jewish.

2003 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules in Lawrence v. Texas that gender-based sodomy laws are unconstitutional. Now it’s just about to be made mandatory.

253 – Pope Cornelius is executed (beheaded) at Centumcellae. Today’s Muslims employ this same method of proselytizing Christians among them.

1848 – A photograph of the June Days uprising becomes the first known instance of photojournalism. Like much that’s gone on in France until recently, it’s hard to tell which side to pull for.

1867 – First barbed wire patented by Lucien B. Smith of Ohio. It is oh, so useful! Fences. Concertina rolls. Double aprons. Tanglefoot. And the complete, transcendental joy of running your tank cross-country, dismounting, and finding you’ve wrapped a few hundred feet of that crap around your sprocket.

1876 – Battle of the Little Bighorn and the death of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer. He’d been a brevet (temporary -‘acting jack’) general in the Civil War.

1938 – Federal minimum wage law guarantees workers 40 cents per hour

1944 – World War II: The Battle of Tali-Ihantala, the largest battle ever fought in the Nordic countries, begins. Out-numbered three to one, the gutsy Finns fight the Soviet Army to a standstill, saving Finland from becoming yet another commie satellite.

1947 – The Diary of a Young Girl (better known as The Diary of Anne Frank) is published. Real Nazis kill young girls.

1948 – The Berlin Airlift begins. When America had the guts to stand and say “NO!” instead of “Can we talk?” while people die.

1949 – Long-Haired Hare is released in theaters starring Bugs Bunny. Warner Brothers is at the pinnacle of the cartoon game, dare I say, the ACME?!?!?

1950 – The Korean War begins with the invasion of South Korea by North Korea. American troops are STILL there. We clearly need an exit strategy. Of course, each successive North Korean despot is wackier than the last…

1996 – The Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia kills 19 U.S. servicemen. The culprits are a mob of radical Norwegian Baptists. Wait! NO? Saudis, you say? Muslims? You’re kidding, right? That’s like, the Religion of Peace” and those are our, uh, ALLIES.

2009 – Michael Jackson dies from a drug overdose instead of being beaten to a pulp after being imprisoned for molesting young boys.

1374 – A sudden outbreak of St. John’s Dance causes people in the streets of Aachen, Germany, to experience hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. We had the same thing in the US in 2008 and 2012, except they called them Obama rallies.

1497 – John Cabot lands on North America in Newfoundland; the first European exploration of the region since the Vikings. He thought he found Asia.

1692 – Kingston, Jamaica is founded.

Q: What do they say in Jamaica when they run out of dope?
A: Mon, dis MUSIC SUCKS!

1793 – The first Republican constitution in France is adopted. Don’t let the word “Republican” fool you, folks! This is FRANCE we’re talking about, and they’re chopping off heads left and right under this document.

1812 – Napoleonic Wars: Napoleon’s Grande Armée crosses the Neman River beginning his invasion of Russia. In the precise language of military science, this is known as “biting off more than you can chew”. But don’t feel bad for France. Germany made the same mistake in 1941. And yeah, I know I did this yesterday too, but a monumental screw-up like this deserves two days…

1846 – After noting the sounds produced when he stepped on his cat one night, the saxophone is patented by Adolphe Sax in Paris, France.

1916 – World War I: The Battle of the Somme begins with a week long artillery bombardment on the German Line. By the time it ends in mid-November, 650,000 French and British and 450,000 Germans are dead, wounded or captured. It is during this battle that the tank makes its battlefield debut.

1939 – Pan Am’s first regularly scheduled US to England flight. Pan Am is no more, and before long, there wont be a reason to fly to England.

1945 – The Moscow Victory Parade takes place. Part of the display is the captured German Army’s standards:

1947 – Kenneth Arnold makes the first widely reported UFO sighting near Mount Rainier, Washington. Is it just me, or did anyone else notice that UFO sightings have dropped off considerably with the advent of ubiquitous digital cameras and cellphones?

1948 – Start of the Berlin Blockade. The Soviet Union makes overland travel between West Germany (actually the British, French and American sectors. West Germany wasn’t a country yet.) and West Berlin impossible. The Berlin Airlift ensues.

1973 – The UpStairs Lounge arson attack takes place at a gay bar located on the second floor of the three-story building at 141 Chartres Street in the French Quarter of New Orleans, Louisiana, USA. Thirty-two people die as a result of fire or smoke inhalation. That thing in Orlando by a gay soldier of Islam to get even with a couple of Puerto Ricans who might have given him AIDS bumped this slaughter out of first place in violence against gays. The suspect in this one, never arrested, was gay as well.

1982 – British Airways Flight 9, sometimes referred to as the Jakarta incident, flew into a cloud of volcanic ash thrown up by the eruption of Mount Galunggung, resulting in the failure of all four engines.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get it under control. I trust you are not in too much distress.”

The subsequent landing with a scarred windshield and partially inoperative ground navigation equipment was in the words of Captain Moody, “a bit like negotiating one’s way up a badger’s arse”. I’m thinking that having a beer with Captain Moody would be quite an experience.

2013 – Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is found guilty of abusing his power and having sex with an underage prostitute, and is sentenced to seven years in prison. Who’s he think he is? A Kennedy? Bill Clinton?