From an email that floated around the office yesterday:

• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• We have too much gun control. What we need is idiot control.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly, too.
• I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Cancer and she’s a bitch.
• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.