Good morning, dear friends! It’s a dreary overcast day as I gaze out upon the panoramic vistas visible from the FEMAtorium while I read my morning paper. This morning we have one local hospital reporting in with 59 births. Of those, 28 were to parent(s) who decided that they didn’t need the benefit of formal marriage.

Let us proceed.

Under the “If I spell it funny, everyone’ll KNOW how special he/she is” category:

Amanda L—— and Clinton S—— announce their daughter Maddison Isabel. Two “d”‘s, twice as special. On the same note, Scott and Bobbi (with an “i”(!)) announce their daughter Isabbella Nicole.

Keith A—– and Rachel C——- announce their daughter Destani Rae. I guess if you pick random words to make names out of, you NEED to spell it funny. Note that they left her with an “i” at the end of her name, suitable for dotting with a little heart of a smiley face in the future.

Jarib H——- and Kimberly V——– announce their son Braedyn Gary. Well, it COULD be spelled RIGHT, seeing as how “Braedyn” is rather contrived, anyway. But that extra “e”, and the “y” instead of the “e”, that makes him sound more like the offspring of sophisticates, doesn’t it?

Travis and Kelly L—– announce the birth of Laynee Kapri. Double “e”, and a “c” traded for a “k”… These people must have been to a seminar on careful selection of baby names…

Melissa C—— named her daughter Kamilah Faye. She spelled it like that so the child would not be confused with Prince Charles’ new wife…

Next comes the “where’d you get THAT?” category. I always think this one is very interesting.

Leading off, we get a pretty good one: Stephenie B—— and Stephen M—- (Stephenie and Stephen! Awwwww! A match made in heaven, right?) named their daughter Kor-Tasia LaShay. Note the extra capital letters and punctuation that mark true quality parentage…

Megan A—- and Marcus J—– named their son Martez Makenzie. The “family” has a thing about the letter “m”, apparently.

Diana B—- named her daughter I’lynn Kayriel. De daddy name be missin’.

De daddy name be liss’ed on de nex un. Albert S—– and Patrice C—- named their son Alquez JaShawn. I’m thinking NBA all the way…

We have a couple of triples, too.

Lynn F—– and Jake F—— have a new son, Bill Bradley Bryce. They either had to pay off a lot of IOU’s in the families or somebody had a thing about basketball coaches.

Brandon and Anna J—— named their daughter Hayley Alida-Ann. Well, I guess technically that’s a hyphened middle name instead of a triple, but you get the picture…

And we have a couple of names that I just couldn’t pass up:

Sonya F——- and Shawn C—— named their son (get ready! here it comes!) “Dusty Layne”. Now, imagine the fun that the playground crowd is gonna have with THAT handle…

Steve and Altria C—– named their son Bo Paul. In an obscure mental linkage, I’m just hoping that the kid isn’t known for bad gas…

There you have it, folks. And just remember, “If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!”