1520 – The Spaniards are expelled from Tenochtitlan. White European interlopers were trying to interfere in the indigenous peoples’ quaint custom of splitting open the chests of living victims and waving the still-beating hearts to heathen gods. I find it curious that “Aztlan” proponents affect the trappings of this same ethos today.

1886 – The first transcontinental train trip across Canada departs from Montreal. It arrives in Port Moody, British Columbia on July 4. People get off the train, look around, and say “Dammit! STILL in Canada!”

1908 – The Tunguska Event occurs in Siberia. We still aren’t sure what it was, but it was definitely an event.

1934 – The Night of the Long Knives, Adolf Hitler’s violent purge of his political rivals in Germany, takes place. People with opposing viewpoints died, just like Vince Foster.

1950 – I was born.

1953 – The first Chevrolet Corvette rolls off the assembly line in Flint, Michigan, is bought by a newly-divorced bald guy who badly needs to compensate for something.

1960 – Congo gains independence from Belgium. Freed of the interference of the white European interlopers and fueled by its rich natural resources, tribal harmony is restored and the region becomes a beacon of peace and tranquility known for its fairness and cultural richness. Right?!?!?

1966 – The National Association of Gals (NAG) National Organization for Women (NOW), the United States’ largest feminist organization, is founded.

1971 – Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, thereby putting the amendment into effect. “Dude, I’m, like, votin’ fer him ‘cuz he’s, like, all cool, ‘cuz I seen him on MTV.”

1990 – East Germany and West Germany merge their economies. As in “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down THIS wall!”