1814 – Britain & allies march into Paris after defeating Napoleon. this event marks the beginning of Parisian status as the five dollar whore of Europe. How many foreign armies have paraded through Paris? the ONLY way tht fop de Gaulle was able to march ‘victoriously’ into Paris in 1944 was that the path was paved in the blood of America and the British Commonwealth.

1842 – Anesthesia is used for the first time in an operation by Dr. Crawford Long. He uses ether. Ether this or it’s gonna hurt like h**l.

1858 – Hymen Lipman patents a pencil with an attached eraser.

1867 – Alaska is purchased for $7.2 million, about 2 cents/acre ($4.19/km²), by United States Secretary of State William H. Seward. The news media call this Seward’s Folly. The news media is always right, you know…

1870 – Texas becomes last Confederate state readmitted to Union. Lately they’re asking about a do-over on that. If they do, I’m gonna get me a big hat and haul my Cajun butt over there.

1932 – Amelia Earhart is first woman to fly solo cross the Atlantic, spends first half of trip with left blinker on, applying mascara.

1951 – Remington Rand delivers the first UNIVAC I computer to the United States Census Bureau. 5,200 vacuum tubes, weighed 29,000 pounds (13 metric tons), consumed 125 kW in electricity.

1981 – President Ronald Reagan is shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley, Jr., who is trying to impress Jodie Foster. Contrary to rumor, I did NOT send Hinckley an letter telling him that Obama was banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.

1991 – William Kennedy Smith allegedly rapes a woman, in keeping with his family’s high tradition. Also in keeping with his family’s high tradition, he’s found “not guilty”